Days have passed.
A few weeks ago I was away to see my sister Nina at my grandmother's house. She took me bowling with her friend and we really had a nice time. Before I left, Travis and I had a really bad fight about sex. I got to be with him the whole weekend and I didn't have sex with him, on the last day with him he tried having sex but I denied him and he got pissed.
Flashback to 2 weeks ago.
"So you're leaving tomorrow and you won't have sex with me?",
"Really? Is everything with you about sex?", I snap.
"No. But I've been with you the whole week now and you haven't allowed me to touch you one bit",
"So?", it's really incredible. I'm not getting turned on by anything he does.
"You don't feel me right?", he asks. I don't, but I could never say that in his face. I cannot. I'm getting so mad by now cause he's starting to notice how not too interested I am with him. I can't control it anymore.
"What? Just because I don't wanna have sex makes you think that I don't feel you?",
"Yes, what other explanation is there?", he snaps.
"What the fuck?", I yell. "I'm sick of this. Everytime you see me you wanna have sex, isn't there anything else better to do?",
"You're my girlfriend, you're suppose to have sex with me all the time",
"Oh fuck no!", no he did not just say that. He makes it sound like it's my job. "Do I look like a sex machine?",
"I didn't mean it like that",
"How did you mean it then?", I snap. "So it's my job to have sex with you? Dude, we not even married, you don't own me. So get things clear, I have sex when I want to not when you want to", I'm furious. My whole body is shaking and I feel I could punch a wall, or his face.
"Why are you so mad? Is it because you don't wanna have sex with me?", he asks.
He's right, why am I mad?
"Why am I even listening to you? All that comes out of your mouth is bullshit. I'm gonna go", I start packing my clothes.
"Bullshit? I speak bullshit now?", he's totally upset. He hates it when I cuss him. I didn't used to use bad words, but it was because I never got to be in this state of anger. I'm so angry these days, I can't control it.
"Fuck this shit. I'm leaving",
"Okay",
I've been a good girl growing up. My mum would be disappointed if she'd discover that this is what I've become. I'm angry most times, everything pisses me off. I'm good at hiding my feelings most times but push my buttons and everything's revealed.
Travis watches as I pack my things. He looks like he's waiting on an apology and trust me he ain't getting one from me, I want an apology. After packing I grab my beg and head out, he follows, walking me home. Along the way he tries making conversation but I ignore him, on purpose.
"Let me help you with carrying your bag", my bag is huge and heavy cause I had everything at Travis since we both on leave.
"I'm sure you can see I still have both my hands, so I can carry my own bag", I reply with unneeded attitude.
"What's wrong with you? I'm only trying to help",
"Dude, I got it covered. And why are you still here?",
"What do you mean?",
"I know my way home", he's irritating me. I wanna be alone.
"I'm taking you home, I'll turn back when I see you safely home", I wanted to die. This guy won't leave, even when I'm rude to him.
"What did I say wrong cause it seems like you mad at me",
That actually stops me on my track, I turn to him with a questioning look. "Are you fucken serious? You said its my duty to have sex with you, making it sound like I'm a sex object",
"That's not what I said",
"Why are you here? I can see my way home", since he's gonna deny everything, he might as well turn back, I don't need him to walk me home.
"I'm sorry alright. I didn't mean for you to take it that way. And it's fine if you don't wanna have sex, I won't ask you from now on",
Seriously, means we'll breakup in no time. But with Travis I think we might go a year without sex and he'd still wanna be with me.
Back to reality
I've been a good girl that's for sure and my relationship is better. That's because I've apologized for my shit before I left.
But I still do think of my ex. Most days I push his thoughts out of my mind, most nights I just grab the green stuffed dinosaur that he won for me at the Mall and hold it tight to my chest, cause that's the closest thing I have of him. Once morning comes I forget all about that and go through my day like nothing as missing my ex ever happens.
I've made a lot of improvements too, I don't cry anymore. Doesn't matter what I think of him or if I ever hear anyone say anything about him, doesn't make me cry. I don't try to call him, or I don't fight with the feeling of wanting to call him. Most importantly, he doesn't occupy my mind that much, just a little but not that much.
Sunday: 7 March
Its my birthday. I know I got a gift on the 14th of February for Valentine's day but I also want a birthday gift.
I'm at Travis's, like I always am on weekends. I got here Friday and luckily we made it to Sunday without arguing.
I wake up stretching my arms without opening my eyes.
"Good morning babe", I hear Travis's voice. I'm too tired to reply so I just mumble some words which comes out as "Mmhmm",
"Hey", Travis whispers. He sounds close, too close. I slowly open my eyes and I see a gift bag and then and there, excitement washes over my whole body. All the sleep tiredness fades and my heart starts beating faster with excitement.
"What's this?", I smile, slowly getting up. In my mind I'm hoping for something good, it'd be weird if I don't like it.
"Take a look", he replies.
I get up, placing myself on a sitting position and grab the gift bag looking inside. And oh wow, I'm impressed. It's a beautiful navy blue tight dress and a set of necklaces. It's beautiful hey.
"Thank you", I smile opening my arms for a hug. He comes closer, closing the gap between us with a hug then kisses me on my forehead. "It's beautiful, really thank you",
"I'm glad you like", he says with a smile. I get off bed to try it on. "I was afraid you gonna tell me you already own the same dress as this one",
"Oh no I don't", I reply as I pull the dress over my head. It's tight. It shows off all my curves and my small waist. He really did good.
"You look beautiful in it", he grabs the necklace box and removes one to put it on me.
"It's nice babe, I love it", one necklace has a heart shape and the other one has Love words.
After trying all that, I strip off and get back on bed. I search for my phone under the pillows and light it up to check for birthday messages. Luckily I find a few, including Jullian's long sweet message. I log on to Whatsapp and check status. I'm all over Nala's status, Kourtney has me on his status too, including my mum.
Travis comes back from the kitchen with his phone in hand. He's suppose to be making me breakfast.
"Here babe, It's Sarki and his girlfriend", he whispers the last part. I don't know how to feel, but it isn't that exciting, I do not like Sarki's girlfriend at all.
"Hey guys", I say after grabbing the phone from Travis. Sarki and his girlfriend start singing and I laugh. No pretending, they're horrible at singing.
"Oh wow", I keep laughing, Travis ends up laughing too. "You guys are really good singers", I mock them.
"Yes we know", the girlfriend replies as she chuckles.
"How do you like your gift. I helped Travis with it", Sarki says.
"Oh my gosh I love it", I reply with a smile.
"I guess it fits huh", Sarki says, making it sound like a question.
"Just the way I was hoping it would", Travis answers before I do. I hnd him the phone, I'm done talking so he might as well intertain his friends.
"I was worried about the size but I now believe you know your girl man", Sarki says.
I continue with whatever I was doing on my whatsapp. I check statuses and realize that hey, Travis posts his family and relatives on their birthday but hasn't posted me. It's not a big deal but suddenly I feel like nah, it should be a big deal.
Duncan never posted me, like ever. I did post him most of the time and I'd make him my wallpaper and he never did. I once even went as far as changing his whatsapp profile Pic myself and putting my picture on it but that never encouraged him to actually do it on his own.
When I dated Sidney, on my birthday he posted me with a caption that says Happy birthday my short little girl with emojis that has nothing that shows we in a relationship. It was just smiley faces, nothing close to something red or with a heart.
Kusam doesn't post me either, with him it's because of his professional career. He's bosses communicate with him over Whatsapp, and his parents are there, plus showing affection publicly isn't allowed in India. I think. Kusam doesn't post anyone except for him game pics and cats and dogs.
I guess thinking about all that makes me sad. I don't care if I'm not posted by any of my boyfriends, but I don't know. I feel like there's more to it. Being posted by the one you love doesn't necessarily mean it's a show of affection to the whole world, it's just to the contacts you have. I feel like if you post someone on your status, it shows how much you care for that person and tells that you're not ashamed to show that person off.
You know I had Travis on my status a month after we started dating. I didn't show his face but people could tell I got someone special in my life again. My cousin Xola scold me on doing that. He said it's too early to post him. He said he doesn't even care if we've been dating a month, 6 months or a year. "Don't post your guy", that's what he said. We did argue over it though, but I thought he's just being a guy, I'm not so sure anymore. It didn't stop me from posting Travis though, I kept posting him and he didn't even try to post me. Keeps posting all his birthday family and friends, not me.
What's wrong with me? Why won't any of my boyfriends post me? I know being posted isn't special at all but once in a while wouldn't hurt. It could be one pictures every after 3 or 4 months, who cares. But nope, none at all.
"Why don't you post me?", I ask Travis as he hands me my breakfast.
"What?", he chuckles but quickly notice that I'm serious.
"You don't post me at all. I'm starting to think that you're hiding me", I say.
"What? no, I'm not hiding you", he shakes his head.
"I don't get it", I look away, grabbing my sandwich to take a bite on it. "You do post your family, which is fine, I post mine too. But not me, like at all", I reply. I feel frustrated now. It's getting under my skin and I don't wanna let it change my mood.
"You spoke too early, I was about to post you", he says and I roll my eyes.
"About to post me cause the one asking for it?", I snap. "Nah", I shake my head. "Don't post me cause I've said so, post me cause you want to",
"I was gonna post you, for real", he argues.
"Don't, it'll make me feel like it's a pity posting",
He just stares at me. I'm hurt, not by the fact that Travis isn't posting me but by a lot of things. I guess it's all getting to me.
After eating my breakfast I check my phone for notifications and I notice that Travis has 3 of my pics on his status, there's no sweet message but there is a heart emoji, which means nothing to me. If he did all this before I said anything, it would have made a difference. But nah, it means nothing to me.
I never got to stress about my birthday when growing up. I never got a gift up until I started dating Duncan. He's the guy that introduced me to real gift. Duncan brought me expensive gifts and so did I. I remember buying Duncan a R1000 Levi's jacket. It wasn't even his birthday. He wanted a Jean jacket and I offered to buy him a Levi's jacket. When I met Duncan he hated graphic tee's, but somehow I got him to like them. So every weekend when he was with me he'd ask me to buy him a t-shirt everytime we pass by Sportscene store. I was deeply in love with him, so I did. He used to buy me lunch everyday. Every payday he'd take me out or he'd give me money to take myself out. He once brought a really nice short white dress cause he thought it'll make me look nice. And he was right, it's the prettiest dress I've ever seen. He'd buy me a hat everytime he buys himself one, and I'm not a hat fan but I appreciated the gesture. Duncan was the best when it came to spoiling me.
"I wanna go home", I whisper. We still on his bed. It's no longer the fun me but the grumpy me. I'm no longer in the mood for anything, I feel bored and upset. I actually feel defeated and I'm struggling to regain what made me happy in relationships.
"Now?", Travis asks. It's midday, and usually I go home by afternoon.
"Yes, I miss my mum", I reply. I don't miss my mum, I wanna be alone and he's not helping. I'm disappointed in myself actually, for letting a guy so deep in my life to actually hurt me this much. Yes, I mean Duncan. He's an asshole, a dickhead, I could call him names all day but it'd never cover up what he did to me. He won't undo how he's wronged me.
"Since when do you miss your mum?",
"I miss my mum everyday", I give him my dah look.
"Oh, okay", he replies but doesn't look like he believes me. I guess he doesn't wanna push this any further.
"I'm taking all my things with me", I say. It's not necessary to say but I feel I need to take all my things back home with me so I don't have to come back. I feel like I need to be alone. I'm unconsciously stressing I guess.
"Why? You won't come back?", he asks.
"Atleast not today",
"Why's that?", he asks. He's really concerned. Sometimes I don't get Travis. I would have dumped me by now if I were him. I'm full of nonsense and I wanna do things whatever way they please me. Why does he stick up with that? That's just plain insane.
I'm thinking I should ask him why he wants me here? What's so interesting that we'll do or talk about. I haven't even had sex with him the entire weekend and I still don't feel like being touched. Gosh, I need to consult about that, maybe my vagina is under a lot of stress which I know nothing about.
"I'd like to spend the rest of my birthday with my family", I reply.
He nods. "That makes a lot of sense",
"I know",
"But can't I take you home a bit later, I'm still enjoying your company", he says.
What company is that? I don't even feel like myself. I'm far with thoughts and spending another night with him would definitely want him to have sex. I'm not up for any of that.
"Nah I really wanna go home",
"Okay, I guess you've made up your mind".