Tuesday: 30 June
Nothing has changed from what it was 3 days ago. I'm not okay over the fact that the one person I truly love doesn't wanna be with me anymore.
Funny cause I can still smell his lingering scent that he's left in my room. The pain he cause me is still stronger than ever. It's actually getting worse with everyday that passes.
After our talk 3 days ago, he just called to let me know that he'll come get his clothes later today. He's usually done working by 7PM so I'm guessing he'll be here by 8PM.
I've tired my room and I'm dressed nicely.
As I lay on bed thinking about what I'll say to him he calls, "Hey",
"I'm outside your house", he says.
"Alright come in, I'm in my bedroom",
Good thing my parents built backroom closer to the house. My bedroom isn't combined with the main house so it's easier to do things without my family noticing.
I get out of bed as I hear his footsteps by the window and open the door for him.
"Hey, I'm here", he looks me straight in the eyes and I bite my bottom lip just to keep myself from crying. It's just hard, seeing him infront of me and knowing that he'll never be mine just like he was. He doesn't see me the way he used to and that's just a stab right in my stomach.
"Yeah", I break eye contact and walk straight to my wardrobe. I pull out all his t-shirts and Jean's and start packing them in the huge bag he walked in with. He doesn't help me, he watches as I pack. "I think I've got everything in here", I say as I check to see what I left behind.
"You got everything", he says then walks closer to zip close the bag. He glances at me before he grabbing his bag and walking out. I walk after him. He gets to his car and place the bag on the back seat then walks back to me. "I have to go", he whispers. By now the pain of him leaving is more visible on my face more than ever. A huge lump has formed on my throat and I don't trust myself to say something.
As I try to speak, my voice shakes and that's when my tears break free. I try to hold it, and the more I do the harder I can't breathe. I suck in a few breaths as tears burn my cheeks.
"Hey, you'll be okay", he whispers while placing a hand on my back. I can't even stand anymore. I've never felt such pain in my entire life.
I shake my head and try to laugh but that's when I fully break down. He pulls me in a hug and I just cry on his chest, letting my tears wet his white t-shirt and sobbing.
He isn't gonna change his mind, even though that's what I'm hoping for right now. I thought he was gonna be like, 'babe, I change my mind, I wanna be with you', but he doesn't. That's when it hits me. He won't change his mind.
I push him off and motion for him to leave. He keeps saying I'll be alright and leaves. More than ever, I know i have to move on.
I drag my feet back to my room and slowly get on my bed. I feel so empty, I feel like I have no life anymore, like without him I have nothing. I keep telling myself that I'll eventually get over him and all this will be in the past but I can't help but picture my future life miserable without him.
...
4 days have passed and I'm losing my mind. And right now I feel I'm just doing it again. I'm doing what I used to do whenever I felt lonely or had boys problem.
I've been calling him nonestop and trying to convince him that we shouldn't break up. I've been scolding him and reminding him of all the things I've done and sacrifice for him. Still, he's still out.
I'm starting to feel like I'm obsessed, I mean he's doing all he can to push me away and I'm not moving. I can't even cry anymore. It's just moving on without him hurts so bad.
There's a guy I'm flirting with, one of my ex, but still, I can't get my mind off Duncan.
Monday: 6 July.
I wake up in the morning with a heavy heart. I feel like I've been hit by a bus but at the same time I don't care.
I quickly take a bath then head to work. I'm not even in the mood to work, Its been a while since I've had this whole 'hating my job thing'. Just as I walk in the building flashes of Duncan comes rushing through my head. He used to work here, this is where we met. As I climb up the steps, headed to the top floor where everyone is right now, tears suddenly blind my vision. I open the canteen door, greet everybody then head to the restroom. I lock myself in and just let the tears flow.
After my cry I head out and join everyone as if I haven't been crying.
"Hey. You okay?", Nolan, a guy that's totally into me asks. I guess my eyes gives everything away even though I'm trying so hard to hide them.
"Yeah I'm okay, why ask?",
"Your eyes are swollen", he says. I hold myself from rolling my eyes. Ofcourse my eyes are swollen, I've been crying all night and I was crying not too long ago.
"Oh it's nothing, they usually get like this whenever I didnt sleep well", I reply. I can tell from the look he's giving me that he isn't buying my story.
"You look like you've been crying, I hope you're alright", he says.
"I'm okay", I get up and head to the stockroom to start with my job. I feel like i don't have the energy to chitchat with anybody today.
...
Time actually flies when you're busy.
It's past 5PM right now and we all heading home.
"So are you gonna tell me what's wrong?", I sigh. I guess Nolan won't let this whole thing go. He's now walking besides me as we headed to the bus terminals. He looks worried.
"I got dumped", I shrug my shoulders with a forced smile. Tears threaten to roll out my eyes but I blink a few times to hold them back.
"Oh", that's all Nolan says.
After a few minutes of silence as we get closer to the bus terminals he sighs, "I'm sorry about your breakup, you'll be fine",
"Thanks", I smile. He says his goodbye and we head to different directions. We take different buses since we live in different places. Just when I sit down in the bus, I pull my phone out and call Duncan. I dont know why but I find myself listening to his caller tone.
"Hello", he answers.
"Hey, em-", I choke. What was i thinking, why am I calling him. "So you serious about breaking up with me?", gosh, without thinking I find myself asking him that.
"Nina, come on, we spoke about this", he says. I guess its truly final.
"Yeah, I'm sorry", I reply.
"You're from work?", he asks. He's trying to make a conversation, like we cool or something. That just irritates me and I snap.
"Look, you dont have to do that. I know we broke up and I'm sorry for calling",
"Hey it's okay, you know you'll always be the love of my life. We can't be together but you know you can call me for any reason, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you", he says and I smile at his words. They way he said them made it sound so genuine. I don't doubt what he said.
"If you love me you wouldn't have dumped me", I say. It's always been a tendency to say something that will ruin a moment. He knows that side of me and it only appears when I'm upset.
"You know my reasons-",
"Yeah, you cheated. That's the reason", I cut in. He did cheat that's not a lie. But I know what reason he's referring to.
"You see why we won't be able to handle one another if we get back together? You're always gonna remind me about this whole thing. You'll never trust me ever again and I won't be able to trust you either-",
"You never really trusted me that I'm used to. Funny cause I did all I could to put this relationship together even though you did nothing to help. It's not like it's the first time you cheat", I fuming right now. I don't even care that I'm in a public transportation. I don't care if the man sitting next to me is eavesdropping.
"Is this your reason for calling?", he asks.
"Duncan you know how I feel, why now? Why can't we fix this?", gosh I can't believe what I'm saying. This nigga cheated and here I am acting like I'm the one who cheated. He just had to dump me when im madly in love with him.
"I'm working right now, can we talk later. I'll call you", I roll my eyes at that. Why do i even bother with this guy. He must think that I'm some kind of idiot.
"Why am I not surprised",
"Come on Nina, you know I'm working", he says. That's when I say my goodbye and hang up.
I feel my whole body in pain when I get home. I even think that maybe I might have got the trending virus that's all over this world. The covid-19 virus.
I grab my plate of food just after throwing my handbag on the couch.
"Oh man, look at this", my brother laughs as he shows me a tiktok video on his phone. I laugh, even though my mind isn't on it. I told myself I'm not gonna tell my family about my break up. My mum always thought I wouldn't be able to handle a breakup from Duncan. She sweated that it'd kill me once it happens and it'll hurt her too. So I don't wanna put my mum into that, I dont want her feeling my pain.
After eating and joking around with my brother I head to my room. I don't even bother to check my phone since I know Duncan hasn't called. Instead, I delete his numbers.
Babe-; a WhatsApp text pops up. Its my best friend Jullian. We've only been friends for a while but already I feel like we best friends. It's just happened in a really unexpected way. I actually liked her the first time I saw her. Something about her made me wanna be friends with her.
Hey babe-; I reply.
You've been quiet, what's up?-; she asks.
I start recording my story to her since I know typing will take forever. She replies in ways I wasn't expecting. Her words actually comfort me and she makes me believe that moving on don't be as painful and hard as I think it will. She tells me that crying is an okay thing to do since it's the only way to let everything out. Makes me even smile at the reason why I decided to be friends with her.
We talk till we both finally fall asleep.
I actually stop worrying about this whole breakup thing by the end of the week. Duncan calls and we just talk and sometimes fight, depends on the mood he finds me in. I still cry every night though. I've hidden all his pictures from my gallery so I won't see them, I can't put myself into deleting them.
My family still have no idea about my breakup. They've even stopped asking about my eyes since I always say 'it's because if how I sleep'.