Jordan could attest to not being the same after his talk with Karen, and, in his eyes, neither was she. Karen had revealed herself to be one of those humans that Jordan was so interested about; she had brains, beauty and discretion, her heart wasn't made of gold but it was on the right place, and Jordan spent the next days chastising himself for being so blind and prideful. He had been so busy feeling alone and, in a way, superior to others that he managed to be fooled by Karen and instead of being the observer he became the observed. That overall was still kind of fine with him, but judging her character wrongly and assuming she deeply disliked him, was the thing that kept him awake at night with a mental whip. Misjudging people was a new realm to him, he knew perfectly well that people, even shallow ones, had layers and that maybe he never would get to see every little aspect of them to form a flawless assessment, but he had always believed himself to be neutral and unbiased. Karen had proved him wrong, he wasn't unbiased at all, he judged people based on their reactions toward himself it seemed. Jordan now spent most of his nights questioning how much he had polluted his opinions on people with his own self and how much people's opinions of him had been polluted by his own opinions of himself. Maybe there hadn't been as many dirt looks as he had believed, and maybe, just maybe, he wasn't underestimated as much as he thought.
With his world views being shaken it wasn't exactly a surprise to Karen that he was moody, nor that he had become even more introspective than before, but Mauve was taken aback when she said hi and Jordan didn't bat an eyelash at her direction. Karen knew he needed time to process and digest everything he had heard, who she was and his own decision of action before they could actually form a proper plan, but Mauve had absolutely no idea why Jordan was ignoring her and the world around him and what had happened that made him retreat so deep inside himself that no external stimuli could bring him out. Even his teachers were beginning to worry about his wellbeing, Jordan had never been talkative, but he also had never ignored their requests for answers or readouts.
However, before any of said teachers called Laura or Peter, Jordan began to resurface once more and his aloof attitude alarmed only the one person that considered him a dear friend and had been kept out of the loop on abused girls inside her high school building. Mauve was hurt and was about to snap, during his retreat inside himself, she had tried to maintain contact and get any reaction out of robot Jordan, but to no avail. So, finally, she left him by his lonesome self, if he needed space to deal with whatever then she would give him space and would wait patiently until he would talk to her again.
But of course, it did not go as planned and before Jordan had finished with his digestive mental exercise, Mauve was stomping toward his unaware self with vapor coming out of her ears.
"Hey! Mauve, right?"
She turned and blinked a couple times, there was a hand holding her right bicep delicately, but insistently and a girl was looking so deep inside her eyes that she couldn't help but stop her marching horses and halt her war troops.
"Yes... and you are?"
"Karen" the girl smiled softly at her. "I'm Jordan's foster sister."
Mauve was stunned. It wasn't as if Jordan would never again have a foster sister, but part of her was utterly surprised specially by the fact that he had never mentioned one and, if she was to be completely honest with herself, she was a bit jealous of their imaginary intimacy.
"Oh!" Was all she managed to say and Karen only smiled broader.
"Come with me for a bit, okay? I think we need to talk."
"Okay..."
And that was how Mauve was delicately hauled away without Jordan even noticing and never knowing just how much he owed Karen for saving him from the biggest storm he would have had to face in his teenage life when he wasn't prepared at all.
Karen debriefed Mauve with discretion, yet she said enough to make the poor girl calmer and secure that it wasn't her fault after all, Jordan was simply going through the process of rebuilding himself and his views of the world and the best thing to do was leave him to himself; at least for now. And to Karen's luck and Mauve's relief they found in each other an unexpected friendship and likeness of character, however explosive Mauve's character could be, she, like Karen, enjoyed honesty and simplicity; and though Karen's own emotions weren't as flammable, her heart was strong and brave, things that Mauve admired to no end.
So, after his weeks of mental health and self-discovery, Jordan resurfaced to encounter that unexpected friendship right before his eyes with Karen and Mauve sitting side by side along himself at lunch time. They were laughing and joking around, while he had been silently brooding and mechanically eating.
"Since when you're friends?"
"Jordan!" Mauve practically screamed causing the people nearby to stare at them for a few seconds while she apologized. "Dude, I thought you'd never resurface again, geez."
Karen only smiled sweetly at him.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you were so self-absorbed this last weeks that no one could get anything out of you."
"Oh... I guess I needed some time to think... about stuff."
Mauve rolled her eyes.
"Very eloquent, Jords, very eloquent."
He rolled his eyes at her and Karen giggled.
"But seriously, how long have you been friends?"
"Almost as long as you've been away, Karen has been keeping me company."
"Yep, we kinda hit it off."
Jordan raised his eyebrow.
"I can see that." He slurped some pasta before turning to Karen once again. "What about your old friends?"
"What about them?"
"I don't see them around."
Karen smiled again.
"They like to eat with other people, we get together when lunch ends and they fill me in with the latest gossip."
"Bet you're thrilled to hear it."
"Oh... yeah... so very thrilled." She smiled again. "But seriously, they're not that bad, they've got limits and principles, they just enjoy lingering on the surface."
Mauve shrugged.
"Cannot judge, will not judge."
"Same."
However good lunch had been and however pleasant the discovery of Karen and Mauve's friendship was, Jordan, when removed from such a safe and friendly environment, found that his new awareness of self, made him rather tender to worldly experiences; human interactions that would have gone through his head or passed as not worthy of his attention now stuck to his mind and interfered with his emotions. That was almost torturous to him, to go from a very one-track mind to one that suddenly was filled with insecurities and overwhelmed with thoughts of possible outcomes deriving from said socializations. Jordan was at a loss on how to deal with his new self and new worries were popping around his brain the whole day. By the time he was marching to Karen's car, for he decided, due to his own nervousness and stressful disposition and their new found proximity, that the best thing he could do was get a lift with her, his face was so troubled and his eyebrows so knitted together, that when Karen saw him, she did a double take. Never before had she seen Jordan like that and that expression changed his face so much that Karen had trouble to accept that that person was indeed the Jordan she knew and lived with.
"Are you okay?"
Jordan shook his head and pulled on the door handle, even though Karen hadn't unlocked the car yet.
"You wanna talk?" She said while pressing a button on her car key and finally unlocking the doors.
He shrugged and proceeded to enter the car and heavily seat himself with a huff. Karen walked around the front of the car, threw her backpack on the backseat and finally seated herself calmly and firmly decided to get Jordan to open up to her.
"Jay... talk to me, what's wrong?"
Jordan scratched his head and sighed.
"I'm not sure I want to talk about it."
"Then you're being stupid. You're clearly upset and that's a new look on you, I've never seen you this upset before."
"Yeah, well, my head is a mess and I can't unravel this mountain of twisted and knotted strands. Each time there seems to be a new thought popping in my head and one that only makes me more and more confused."
Karen smiled sweetly and set her hand delicately over his own.
"You're just overthinking stuff Jay. Breath, slow down a bit, not everything is a motive to freak out and you know it, you've always known it."
She squeezed his hand softly and Jordan took a deep breath; she was right, he was overthinking and he was never one to overthink, analyzing stuff yes, but never overthinking. His thoughts could not overwhelm him like this, Jordan realized he was simply suffering of a bout of fear and insecurity and if he did not put those things away, he would be eaten alive by them. He was still the same one-track mind kind of guy; all he would have to do was adapt his new discoveries to his good old mind and filter whatever went in between. Something that was easier said than done, but Jordan knew that his old character was still there amidst the chaos.
"Listen, I know this can be hard and dealing with our past is awful, but I'm here if you ever need me, okay?"
Jordan sighed and nodded, after that Karen gave him a heartful smile, slapped his thigh and proceeded to turn the car on and drive away peacefully. During the whole duration of said drive home Jordan kept his eyes glued to the window, he had spent a few good minutes shocked with the fact that Karen slapped his thigh and that finally allowed his mind to gear back into its own usual pace and Jordan discovered that Karen was one unusual person to have around and yet, one that he was comfortable, one that he felt wasn't going to ever judge him on anything. Suddenly Jordan felt something new, something he had never felt before in his life, something that was so abnormal to him that he was swallowed by it.
Jordan felt blessed.
He turned to Karen, his eyes big as saucers, his lips parted inhaling one deep and filled with shock breath; inside his mind only two things swirled around like children playing, holding their hands tightly and spinning like one insane spinning top. The first thought consuming his mind was "what had he done to miss this girl so completely" and the second one was "how could this girl make him feel blessed". To both he unfortunately had no answer.
Jordan felt like a blind man that had just had his eyes opened for the first time and the world was presenting itself to him with all its colors and nuances, and there were so many colors and so many more nuances than he had ever imagined. He felt nothing he had lived so far could compare to that feeling, the feeling of being awoken when you've been asleep for decades, of hearing music and seeing colorful splashes dancing around in the air, combining into new shades and in a beautiful catharsis, blow back to their original forms, and while still looking the same, they did not feel the same. He was mesmerized.
Did Karen love him? Is that what being loved felt like? Or was that a consequence of it?
He did not know, but there was someone that might know and that someone was sitting right next to him and in a moment of complete bravery and utter stupidity, Jordan voiced his thoughts.
"Do you love me?"
Karen turned to him before deciding on what to do, she scanned his face quickly and chose the best course of action. Jordan's face was portraying his overwhelming feelings so openly it hurt her, he was more like a lost baby chick than she ever thought it could be possible. However, Karen had no idea exactly what kind of thoughts were circling around his mind and suffocating his rational mind, so she pulled over, a few meters away from the Willow house, cut the engine and took a breath before turning and looking him deep in his eyes.
"Jordan, everyone in that house loves you."
He scrunched up his face in confusion, Karen quickly grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them reassuringly.
"Jay, calm down, embrace whatever it is that you're feeling, don't simply be overwhelmed by it."
Jordan stared deep inside her tranquil eyes and still, he could not really process what she was telling him, his mind was consumed with alarm at the thought of loving and being loved, of this new feeling that swelled up inside his chest, it was almost suffocating to him. He could not comprehend how everyone inside that house could love him and how could Karen give him such a nonsensical answer.
Seeing that he wasn't being himself and was currently taking too much, Karen squeezed his hands again, this time she did not stop squeezing, she wanted to give his desperate brain something easy and solid to hold on to. And it worked.
"Hey... don't worry, tell me how you feel."
He seemed at a loss for words so Karen gently told him to close his eyes, take a deep breath and start talking about the first thing that popped in his head. So, Jordan closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to focus on anything that his brain could, the first thing he noticed was how he was clinging at her soft, yet firm touch, it was anchoring his mind and preventing him of going insane; going from there Jordan could finally read something in that mess.
"I feel alarmed."
"Why?"
"Because I feel happy."
"And why would happiness make you afraid?"
"Because happiness was never a constant in my life."
Karen could understand that, happiness hadn't been a friend of hers before either.
"Why are you happy?"
"Cuz I'm grateful, but... a different kind of grateful."
"What do you mean?"
Jordan scrunched his eyebrows together and a deep chasm opened between his skin folds, then he took a deep breath and tried to find the right words to express himself.
"It seems deeper than before, bigger. I... I feel blessed and I've never felt like this before."
His voice broke with emotion and so did Karen's heart, she wanted to hug him and fill the holes in his heart, but she knew she couldn't, so she swallowed back the tears that were burning her eyes and throat and gave his hands a quick squeeze before letting go. Jordan opened his eyes a bit alarmed still, but he realized that he felt a lot better, he classified the information that was overwhelming his brain and could process what was going on around him again, for example, how Karen was sad at that moment and her eyes were sparkly because of her unshed tears.
"Jay, everything you're feeling is good, I know that it brings back bad memories and insecurities, but look at the Willows, have you ever been with people like them before?"
"No."
"That's right, don't let the bad feelings of your past ruin your present. Things do repeat themselves, but I can say with certainty that Laura and Peter will not be a repetition of anything that has ever happened in any of our pasts."
Jordan sighed.
"You're right." He smiled at Karen and her heart skipped a beat. "Thank you... for everything, you're really something else."
She could feel the heat running up to her ears and cheeks, but Karen really did not want him to see her silly blushing self, so she turned back to the wheel allowing her hair to fall in place and hide her red features from Jordan's prying eyes.
"Don't worry about it, like I said before, everyone in that house loves you." Said she while turning on the car.
"What do you mean by that?"
She did not answer him immediately, instead she drove the distance that was left to the Willow's and parked outside their garage, once she opened the door and was about to leave Karen decided she could answer him.
"Love isn't limited to a romantical feeling, Jay."
And she left, without turning to look at him once. Karen was truthful in her words and she knew for real that Peter and Laura loved them, but at the moment, her own heart was being shaken and she needed to get away from him. Karen knew for real that she had always loved Jordan as a friend, maybe a bit more since they did live in the same house, but all those new experiences and interactions were showing her a new side to Jordan that she never thought she would see. She had climbed the stairs to the second floor quickly and fast as a cheetah she had run to her bedroom and closed the door behind herself.
Jordan had smiled.
She'd never seen him smiling before, he was normally quiet, had little to no emotions displayed on his face, but his eyes had always been more intense than normal. Still, not once Jordan truly smiled, you could get that he was feeling happy about something from the tone of his voice, or how much his eyes would twinkle, but his attempts at smiling were always painful to watch.
"Oh Jesus..."
He'd smiled at her, a real, official, wrinkle the corners of your eyes smile. And it was so pure.
Karen laughed out loud and threw herself on her bed.
"Oh Lord... I'm screwed."