For several days onward Jordan re-learned how to be himself after opening one of his hidden drawers of emotions and memories, and throughout all those days Karen was there to help him when he freaked out or felt overwhelmed. Soon he learned to adapt and the things she had thought him were the ones that helped him the most, Jordan believed Karen had learned all those little technics with her therapist and he was not wrong about that; however, Karen and her therapist had one shared secret that Jordan was not aware of, not even her recently discovered best friend, Mauve, had ever thought that Karen could have something hidden in herself that she considered the most precious treasure.
Jordan would be lying to himself if he denied that his interest on the person of Karen hadn't grown considerably, he wondered especially if her calmness and temperance were a result of her therapy, of her natural character or something else he had yet to discover. But the mystery of Karen had gained a big space inside his mind and inside his heart, he was still a straight A's student, still had the biggest and brightest brain inside his class, but now he spent most of his time thinking about her and her words. Every little thing that Karen had said during those hard times to him, had echoed deeply inside his self and carried so much meaning and weight that Jordan could not help but spend endless hours analyzing each phrase with a hungering obsession.
In between this whole situation there was someone that did not have such a big role, but was present and offered her support whenever needed and that someone was Mauve. Mauve did not feel left behind this time, Jordan did not enter his hyper introspective mode again and if he needed someone to confide some of his doubts or someone to distract him of his accelerating thoughts, Mauve was always there, at least when they were together at certain classes and lunch time. Mauve had expressed more than once her agreeableness of such a job and her happiness on being useful, and beyond anything else, she truly was glad that she finally could have hope of seeing that silly little boy from her childhood again, so any and every little thing that she could do to help Jordan was done with the utmost joy and excitement, even if she had to keep them hidden inside her chest. It was during one of their merry reunions at lunch time that Mauve managed to catch a glimpse of something that, for reasons unknown to herself, made her happiness sway and tremble.
At that specific day, Karen had been later than usual and, while they waited for her, Jordan and Mauve were exchanging amenities, learning new things about each other and remembering the funny stories of their shared past, Jordan was a bit more open with his emotions and the fact that he gave small smiles during that conversation made Mauve's hopes swore high and while she was drunk in hopeful feelings and imaginations, Karen finally arrived and Mauve caught the one thing she was completely unprepared to know or accept.
As soon as Jordan's eyes set on Karen, Mauve saw a sparkle ignite at the very bottom of their greenish pits.
Her shock prevented her brain of processing reactions and actions properly, but to her luck or unluck, Karen at that moment was fighting her own sparkling eyes and took a bit longer to acknowledge her presence; with both girls recovering at roughly the same time, none realized the awkwardness of their inner selves, something that was a blessing even if it remained unknown, for it prevented many misunderstandings and needless problems between those three friends. And yet, Mauve was shaken, she knew that that look could have meant only one thing, Jordan was falling in love with Karen; and she suddenly found herself in the one situation she hoped never to be again. It wasn't Mauve's first rodeo as a third wheel, she was well used to it, but the true problem in that situation and the one thing that shook her core was the possibility of losing a friend that she had just gotten back and losing her first best friend all in one go. That thought scared Mauve more than the thought of Jordan having feelings for someone for the first time and that someone not being herself. She could not help thinking about several situations where she got left behind while Karen and Jordan went to live their relationship blissfully and each scene played inside her mind, was worse than the latter. Days went on and through all those days her cerebral cortex kept punishing her while her emotions became physical symptoms.
Mauve tried for a long time to not deal with her thoughts, hide her fear deep inside her mind in a forgotten drawer, pretend that what she saw, and now was unable to not see every time, was just a lie and completely unreal, distract herself with anything and everything just so she wouldn't face what was consuming her; but none of those things worked and, instead of making her problem disappear, it only made it multiply, now her fear of being left alone had met her insecurities and they had babies, babies that jumped around her mind and made her skin crawl, gave her nausea, headaches and, sometimes, dizziness. None of that went unnoticed by her friends, the very subjects of her most recent and terrifying nightmares, but every time they asked if anything was wrong, Mauve would just smile, answer dismissively and wave her hand as if swatting a fly. They tried different approaches and technics, but nothing seemed to open up the shell that was now Mauve, she still had a good time with them, still laughed, but the cost of it was that she was miserable at the moment they separated; miserable in a way that Mauve herself never thought she could feel.
That fear was eating her alive, consuming her soul and heart with lazy ease, savoring each bite.
There was no rush, it knew she would perish.
And perishing she was.
Soon in a suffocating manner she could not see any way out of that dark place she had put herself in, and worse of all, Mauve could not see anyone that she could open up with. She had finally reached the "I need to talk about stuff" stage, but her eyes were blind to anyone and every suggestion that was made by her brain was also shut down by her brain. Finally, things got complicated enough that she began to avoid Jordan and Karen, and both were heartbroken about it. However, one day Jordan decided that he was not going to let Mauve simply disappear like before, he had a choice now and he was not the kind of guy that remained watching life from the sidelines, no, he dealt with his problems, same as he was dealing with his feelings right now.
So, he started to wiggle himself in her life again and no matter how much Mauve tried to avoid him and remain invisible to him, he somehow managed to always find her and always be there when she least expected. Soon instead of an act of friendship and care, Mauve began to see Jordan's efforts as an annoyance and something that prevented her from getting the help that she felt she needed; and unexpectedly she began to feel angry at him, soon the mixture of feelings that she had not dealt with smelt that Mauve had found a target and Jordan turned out to be her scape goat. As unfair as it was, Mauve began to blame Jordan for everything, her reasoning somehow found a way to dump on him her frustrations, sadness and anger and from a dear childhood friend, Jordan turned into a devil that tried to destroy her out of jealousy for not being adopted like herself. The world had turned as sour to Mauve as her own soul, everything was corrupted by her distorted vision filled with hurt and fear.
Jordan was not oblivious to her behavioral change, and this time he realized the wisdom on backing away, Mauve was left to her lone self for real and, instead of being more tranquil now that there was no Jordan around to annoy her, she became even more angry toward him.
Now, at their table, there was only Karen and Jordan, and that loneliness only made Karen's life harder. Now that she had no Mauve to run to, it was apparent to her also that Jordan was indeed developing an interest in her and she had to work double to hide the fact that she had the same interest inside her heart. Of course, such a poor setting could only result in unsuccess and, even though he was a novice, Jordan finally understood what Karen was trying to hide from him and, when he did, his chest swelled in a way he never thought was possible. Jordan felt like he could laugh out loud for real, he was so happy that a delicate smile was etched on his lips the entire day. Karen of course, was aware of it and knew, for her dismay, that her charade was over.
"Karen... may I ask you something?"
Karen kept her hands firmly on the steering wheel, she did not need to look at Jordan's peaceful and smiling face to know what was the thing he wanted to ask. Even though she was glad that the charade was over, her heart also constricted inside of her ribcage; this moment would not be a happy one as Jordan hoped and she knew it, because she would be the one to destroy those hopes.
"Sure." She answered without even moving her eyes in his direction.
"When you said that love wasn't restricted to a romantical feeling..." Jordan swallowed dry, he was incredibly nervous even though he already knew the answer, but inside his brain that little voice whispering "what if you're wrong?" could not be ignored. "Did that include your own feelings as well?"
"At that moment, yes and also no."
"What do you mean?"
Karen sighed and Jordan's heart stopped, he began questioning himself if that was how things were supposed to happen, but being completely honest he had no idea how things were supposed to go, the only experience he had with romance came from an eighteenth-century book that had captured his attention not even because of the romance.
"I mean to say Jordan, that at that moment, my own feelings for you were already changing."
"Oh."
Karen smiled; he was lost.
"Don't pretend you don't know that I'm interested in you Jay, you're only asking because you finally caught up with it."
"Well, yes, but... why were you trying to hide it?"
Jordan had never questioned her behavior up until that moment, for some reason it had appeared to him that concealing one's feelings were the most natural thing to do and so Karen was just acting like anyone else would; but seeing how open she was being he began to question why wasn't she that open before; he could only guess the reason, but at the very least, Jordan directed his reasoning to the right place. Himself. Karen took a few moments to answer and when she did answer, Jordan could hear the straining nuances of someone that did not want to speak on the sound of her sweet voice.
"Say... would you like a cup of coffee now?"
Jordan squeezed his right hand into a fist, if Karen thought it best to have this conversation on another place, then there was definitely something serious about it.
"Sure."
"Good, I know a good place."
He only nodded; finally, dread was setting inside his chest, even if he was a novice, he understood that that was not the way he had expected things to go, Jordan, now free from his nervousness and anxiousness, had the time to search inside himself and discovered that he had indeed set some expectations on that interaction and none of them had included Karen being sad or possibly disappointed. Jordan had hoped for happiness, mutual happiness, a part of him even expected a kiss, mind you it would be his first, but still... Jordan now felt that whatever was coming, it was not going to be good.
At last Karen parked at a quaint little café, they jumped out and found themselves a secluded table where a very solicit and friendly waiter soon came with a pot of hot coffee; she filled their mugs and wrote down their orders, a simple turkey sandwich for Karen and a piece of blueberry pie for Jordan.
"So... what is it that you want to tell me that can't be said in your car?"
His voice denoted his unhappiness and Karen could feel her heart constricting once more. She wanted to cry, but she knew better.
"It could be, but I thought you deserved more than just a quick talk."
"Hm... so, you're dumping me even before we could date or something?"
At that Karen smiled bitterly at him and Jordan regretted ever opening his big mouth. He was hurt when she was being considerate, it did not matter that she probably was indeed cutting him short at that moment, he still had no right to treat her badly, he would have to man up and deal with his hurt at another time, not dump it on her.
"Sorry, it came out way more bitter than I wanted." He said with a sheepish smile.
"It's okay" Karen said, her shoulders going up slightly and her head shaking from side to side delicately. "I understand you're hurting right now-"
"Karen, that's not an excuse to treat you badly... I mean, I should know better..."
She knew that he was talking about Mauve and instinctively her hand slid through the table's surface to find his long fingers, that welcomed her touch gratefully. Jordan smiled sadly and dropped the subject, but not her hand.
"So, what are you trying to explain to me?"
Karen waited for the waiter to set their plates down, thanked her with a kind smile and watched as the girl glided away toward her next table with a big heartful smile on her face. Jordan watched Karen with intent eyes, he noticed at that moment just how different from other people Karen could be, for instance, she was hurting also, after cleaning away his mind from his own hurt, he was able to see better, he noticed how his vision became less egotistical and that allowed him to see Karen for real ever since they went inside that café. He saw the hurt in her eyes, saw how they were glistening more than normal, but he also saw how she made an effort to not treat anyone any worse than normal, he felt ashamed once again from his words and reaction, he understood that at that moment he had begun to build a wall around him and that that wall would've kept them apart, had he not destroyed it. At that moment he also understood Mauve better and he felt deeply sorry for her and for whatever he had done.
"I was trying to hide it from you, Jay, because we cannot deal with it right now."
"What do you mean?"
Karen took a sip from her coffee, Jordan could see the words clicking together inside her head, forming the phrases she wanted to say with care.
"Jay, we're not mature enough for this."
His eyebrows shot up fast and Jordan was once again amazed at her and at how level headed she could be.
"You mean because I'm new to all of this."
"Yes and no."
Jordan raised one eyebrow and Karen laughed.
"I mean because I have my own baggage and you have yours; you're just learning how to deal with some feelings and stuff and I may seem really good at it, but I also have my own difficulties." Karen stopped, pulled on her earlobe lightly, a gesture she always did when she felt nervous or shy and Jordan thought it was the most adorable thing. "A relationship takes a lot of effort and a lot of maturity; we could hurt each other so much that we could lose what we have right now; yes, I'm interested in you, I think you're amazing, but I also think that we are not ready for the tools of a romantic relationship."
Jordan ran his free hand through his hair and smiled at her, he wondered how could she not have a biased judgement, how could she keep her emotions from dictating her decisions. Karen's heart fluttered at that smile and she had to pray for self-control and wisdom once more, that conversation was one of the hardest things she had ever done, she wanted to try just as much as him, but she also knew that it would not work and would probably ruin their friendship forever and Karen did not want to lose Jordan.
"You're right, we're not ready for it, but... what do we do now?"
"I don't know."
Jordan gave her a bittersweet smile and squeezed her hand.
"Then let's just... keep doing whatever we've been doing, we're good friends and I'd love to keep being good friends."
"I agree." Karen smiled sweetly at him and Jordan's feeling clouded his judgement for a second, at that second, he forgot all the sense and sensibility of her argument and wanted to kiss her delicate lips, Karen however affected she was by his intense gaze, remembered her promise. "Just promise me something Jay... don't let your feelings for me distract you from yourself."
That put Jordan back in his place and he was actually grateful for it, he understood the danger of being alone with Karen, he understood how unfair it was to put the responsibility of being sensible only on her and he sighed, his heart heavy.
"I promise."
"Thanks."
They finished eating, Jordan insisted on paying and got what he asked for, after that the ride to the Willow house was a peaceful and uneventful one, all the while Jordan kept thinking about what Karen had said and about that promise. When they were about to leave the car once again, Jordan grabbed her hand and Karen turned around surprised.
"Does that mean that you'll wait for me?"
Jordan received a wide smile from her that he thought he would never get over.
"As long as you wait for me Mr. Williams."
He released her hand and got out of the car, Jordan felt the need to put some distance between himself and Karen, he felt his emotions stirring wildly inside his heart, but as soon as he put the whole metal cage between him and the person, he knew he loved, he turned back to look at her and gave her a smile that she had never seen on him before, Karen was shaken again and she realized why he had gone out.
"That is a promise, Ms. Lahaney."