It was lunchtime.
the cafeteria was filled with students eating, chatting, and laughing. Each table containing their specific tribes and groups of friends, Jordan felt lost while staring at that sea of people, the waves of their loud conversations crashing against him, overwhelming his brain that was already working overtime with controlling itself, since adrenaline was being poured inside his veins in buckets. It was lunchtime. Jordan feared lunchtime today. Lunchtime meant that he would have to face Mauve and facing Mauve was not the problem, but he had to succeed in talking to her, on getting her to listen to him, and most of all, he had to fix their relationship because something very serious depended on it, and failing would mean that maybe they would not be able to do what needed to be done the way he wanted to do it.
Jordan took a deep breath, he lost count of how many he already had taken that day. He spotted Mauve along with her new friends and their dead faces, if they felt emotions Jordan imagined, that the range of them wasn't very big. How could he approach her if she was surrounded by those people? Plus, Karen was nowhere to be seen and she was the bridge that would allow him to get to Mauve, at least that was what Jordan hoped would happen. He sighed and sat down at an empty table, it was near enough that he could keep an eye on them, but not enough that he could listen to what they were saying above the cacophony of the cafeteria talk. Jordan was not happy at all at that moment, he felt that each passing second was being wasted because he could not approach her, and Karen had yet to make her appearance.
Just when Jordan was about to despair and believe that Karen had abandoned him, she showed up. Karen was at their table, she had decided to go directly to Mauve instead of talking with Jordan first, and it had worked. Mauve glanced at him a few times, her discomfort and dislike etched on her face like an ugly mask; yet Karen had somehow managed to get her away from the mob of passive-aggressive looking people. Jordan almost choked on his food a few times, but he managed to eat as much as he could before bolting out and following them. Jordan walked as fast as he could but still kept a safe distance from them, finally, Karen stopped with Mauve at the door of an empty classroom, they exchanged a few words and went inside. Now Jordan had a new dilemma, how would he get inside of that classroom and talk with Mauve?
He was mulling over it just a few steps away from the door, he wanted to walk inside, but he also felt that maybe that approach was wrong, he could see Mauve's back and Karen's serious face, he had never seen her so serious before and it, somehow, worried him more than not being able to distinguish if Mauve was angry or not. Suddenly Karen seemed to have lost her patience, she swiftly pointed a finger at Mauve and said a few curt words before walking to the door and opening it.
"Get inside."
Jordan nodded and walked inside feeling awkward, the atmosphere was not good at that moment, and never had he expected Karen's bossy voice to be so scary and effective; there was a profound and deep authority to it that prevented anyone from thinking about not obeying whatever her request had been.
"I'm going to eat, you two talk. Please."
She said before walking out and closing the door behind her, and although he had indeed said "please" her voice left no space for any challenge, she wanted it done and it would have to happen. Jordan turned his attention to Mauve and was taken aback by just how angry and dissatisfied she was at that moment; although it shocked him, that vision of hate also managed to calm him down, Jordan thought to himself that that reaction was nothing out of what he had already expected from her and what he had always received for a good while now. So he sighed, walked closer, and sat his behind on top of a table, his calm gaze resting on Mauve's angry eyes, as calm as he felt at that moment, he also discovered that he was actually fed up with all of it. As far as Jordan was concerned he had done nothing to offend Mauve and he was completely sure about that, even when he paid her no mind she hadn't felt that wronged.
"So?"
She said, crossing her arms in front of her chest and staring him down with all her might.
"So what, Mauve?"
"That's my fucking question, Jordan."
Jordan raised one eyebrow at her and crossed his arms, his pose almost perfectly mimicking hers. That had done it, he was indeed tired of that situation and her unwillingness to solve it peacefully was the last straw for him; if she were really not going to make the smallest effort for a childhood friend, then he would put an end to it. Yes, people were depending on it, but if Mauve were to remain that unwilling and unattainable, then Jordan could go the extra mile and help those girls the hard way, after all, no one was obligated to do stuff the easy way around.
"Don't. I'm tired of it, you got mad at me out of the blue and keep acting all high and mighty with me as if I'm too stupid or too low, and whenever you look at me you give me this hatred filled stare. You either talk and solve this, or I'm honestly fucking done."
Mauve scoffed at him, her hands instantly shooting to her hips; she assumed an air of superiority that did not fit her, the haughtiness in her eyes was so overbearing that Jordan felt something on the back of his mind, and suddenly the image of Lola overlapped itself over the Mauve he was seeing at that instant.
And right then, Jordan hated her.
He hated her so much that he wanted to leave before he did something stupid, and Jordan was sure that he would do something that he would regret later; after all, even if she resembled Lola so much at that moment, she truly was not Lola.
"Do you think I need you, Jordan? You're done? I have been done for weeks now if you haven't noticed! You ruined everything and then kept pestering me like a little annoying fly that I just couldn't squash!"
Jordan got up slowly; at the full height of 6'4 he towered over Mauve easily, but his height had never been a problem before to her, Jordan was a gentle giant and Mauve knew it; however, at that moment he was angry, so angry that when she looked defiantly at his eyes, she shuddered. Having a big guy towering over you is scary in itself, but an angry 6 foot and 4 inches tall guy was terrifying; it was no surprise then that her bravery abandoned her at that moment as the figure of Jordan seemed to grow larger and darker around her, edging to the corners of her quivering field of vision. Mauve felt so scared right then that she completely forgot that she was mad at Jordan and it was that fear that allowed her brain to work rationally again, and when Jordan looked at her one last time with so much disgust that she felt smaller than an ant, and proceeded to walk away without saying anything, she panicked. His words played themselves inside her mind, shooting with the same power as a .50 BMG against the walls of her castle of anger, and Mauve realized that she was unfair to him and that she would lose the friendship of someone she considered precious. And oh why was she remembering it just now?
"Wait!"
Jordan stopped at the door, he did not turn around though, because inside of his head the image of Lola was still lingering and overlapping with the image of Mauve, with her hands on her hips and her demeaning gaze. It was bad, so bad that Jordan felt his veins boiling, and every fiber of him seemed to be crawling underneath his skin fiercely, he wanted to get out of there and away from that new and hateful Mauve, he wanted to take a walk, to play basketball, anything to work those feelings out of his chest before they exploded in a wave that he wasn't sure that anyone could contain. But Mauve had asked him to wait and he hadn't forgotten about why he was there and why he was trying to solve everything with her. So he remained where he was, near the door, away from her and with his back facing the thing he did not want to see, grasping at that small remnant of reason.
"I'm sorry Jordan, that was mean of me."
Jordan still did not answer her, he honestly felt that he couldn't utter a single word at that moment; her apology did not make him feel better, on the contrary, it had only caused his feelings to clash against each other with even more strength; he wanted to turn around and scream at her, tell her to stick that little half-assed apology where the sun don't shine, he wanted to hurt her for leaving him like it was nothing and treating their friendship like shit, but he also wanted to hurt her for the things that she hadn't done, for the sufferings that Lola had inflicted upon him and despite being so angry that his entire body was shaking, Jordan still knew how unfair that would be. So, took a deep breath and worked his shoulders, trying to calm himself down, he had an objective and there was so much depending on that talk right now, he couldn't simply throw it all away just because he was feeling bad. Lives were depending on it, he couldn't forget the consequences of living with such trauma on a woman's life, he had seen the results of such a thing.
"Give me another chance, okay? Let's talk it out... please."
He lowered his head, his hands balled on tight fists. Jordan was trying very hard not to explode and not to leave, and it took him a few moments to remind himself that those were not his only options; he took another very deep breath and forced himself to speak even if his voice sounded constrained, even if he seemed to be growling to Mauve's ears, and even if said growling only caused her heart to quake and skip a beat out of fear.
"Just talk, okay? Just say what the heck is your problem with me."
Mauve felt terrible, she sat on top of the same table Jordan had rested just a few seconds earlier and sighed, it was only fair that she opened up at that moment, she owed it to Jordan and she knew it. So, Mauve took a deep breath to encourage herself and steel her conviction, she willed her trembling heart to be brave once more; she remembered clearly now the root of her problem and understood with that single deep breath that she was actually the one to blame for letting her feelings, her fears, and her troubles blind her so deeply that she would forget who she was and who Jordan was.
"I didn't want to be abandoned by you guys."
That confusing statement vanished with Jordan's anger like a gush of strong wind and he turned to look at Mauve, his failure at understanding what she meant was written all over his features and Mauve almost felt like laughing out loud for the first time in a long while; she would gladly laugh at herself, at how stupid she had been, at how much of a coward she truly was, if only that moment allowed such behavior. That much confusion could only have meant that Jordan and Karen never, for a single second had considered abandoning her, Mauve felt so stupid, but she also felt so much relief that she could not hold back the tears that overflowed down her flushed cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Jords! I was so utterly stupid..."
Jordan still could not understand a thing and watching Mauve cry only complicated things further, he did not like to see girls crying, he felt nervous at a deep, instinctual level, he felt like doing something, anything to make her stop crying but at the same time, he had no idea whatsoever about what to do to reach that result. He felt like maybe he should hug her, but maybe he shouldn't, but also maybe he should offer her something to dry her face, but what? He had nothing on him that could do that. Despair was creeping at him, squeezing his throat.
"I knew you liked Karen, I saw the way you looked at her and I was pretty sure that Karen liked you back, or at least in due time she would like you. And I thought you guys would get together, all lovey-dovey, and would forget about me."
"What! Why would we do that?"
"Because that is what always happened to me, every time my friends got a new boyfriend or girlfriend."
"Mauve, what the heck!" Jordan screamed back at her. "Did you even check if we would get together or something before going all kinds of crazy?"
Mauve blushed. There lied her biggest mistake and the thing that made her realize that her bravery was just for show; when she in fact needed to exercise it, she shied away and pretended that nothing was happening, only to then be so consumed with fear that her brain turned deaf and blind to reason. All that had happened between them could have been avoided with such a simple question, and yet, it required big amounts of courage, courage that she learned she was lacking.
"No... I thought that if I went ahead of you guys it would hurt less."
Jordan did a face-palm, he could not conceive how scared, stubborn, and stupid Mauve had been. He ran his hand down his face and sighed deeply, fixing his gaze on her messy features, he did not feel so desperate anymore while watching her tears streaming down, he felt calm, the tranquility that possessed him at that time was just as heavy and deep as his agitation from a few seconds earlier. Jordan understood two things at that moment, but he pushed them to the back of his head because he knew perfectly well that he was not ready to deal with them.
"Mauve... that was dumb. Surrealistic levels of dumb."
"I was scared of being alone."
"So you chose to be alone? Look, I'm not here to judge you or anything, for real, it was a dumb decision but you already know it. All I'm here to do is ask you if you could be our friend again; so... could you?"
Mauve stared at the ground still ashamed of herself and the mess she had done, but she nodded while hugging herself out of the desperate need she felt of crawling inside a hole at that moment. Jordan simply sighed once again and turned back to the door, he wanted to leave and take a walk for a completely different reason at that moment.
"Good... I'm heading off now, so..." He ran a hand through his hair, he felt tired, exhausted even. "Just, ask Karen if you need anything, okay? See you."
"Yeah, thanks, see you."
And just like that, he left. When he closed the door behind him, without even turning around his gaze fell on someone that had been waiting outside of that empty classroom, and despite feeling like giving her a bear hug and just enjoy how nice her hair always smelled, Jordan just turned to his left and walked away. When Karen saw his face she almost jumped at him to give him the comfort she knew he needed at that moment, but although her eyes were screaming at him that she wanted to be with him and help him fix whatever it was that was so destructive to him, she only managed to watch him walking away. She remained glued to that spot, unable to decide if she should run after Jordan or go inside the empty classroom to speak to Mauve and learn how things had gone, and when Mauve opened the door and Karen saw her messed up face, she had a very bad feeling, coldly coiling around the pit of her stomach and crawling up her spine.
"What happened?"
While Karen was learning the story between Mauve and Jordan's little interaction, Jordan had managed to hide at the basketball court, he was lying down at one of the bleachers seats while his brain contemplated the two terrible truths that he had learned that day. Firstly, Jordan understood how much fear influenced human's decision making; and secondly, he understood just how egotistical fear was.
Those two pieces of information were heavily burdening him at that moment, and his tiredness came solely from them and the perfect example Mauve had provided him with; and Jordan understood that in all truth, humans were very complicated and very dumb; we acted based on our emotions and the whims of our hearts, and Jordan could not say that our emotions and even our hearts were trustworthy, especially after having such a situation rubbed on his face. How would he dare to lie to himself so deeply? He couldn't. And once he accepted that, Jordan felt unsure if he wanted to deal with humans at all. And just like that, all his walls were starting to build themselves up again, but for a different reason.
Jordan was at a loss and he was unsure of human value anymore, were we truly worth the effort that we demanded?