Karen was running through the school corridors as fast as she could, classes had already started again, but she had managed to commit the stupidity of ignoring that fact and getting into trouble for the first time since she got out of that hell hole that was her previous life, but she had made her choice.
Once Mauve finished explaining everything to her and had apologized profusely, Karen understood why that bad feeling had nestled itself against her innards. Jordan needed her, he needed help more than ever. So she bolted, running at top speed and leaving a very confused and shocked Mauve behind her, but as soon as she turned a corner, the bell rang and every single teenager inside that building got up and started to move toward their respective classroom, and just like one cannot go against the movement of a big herd easily, Karen found herself to be trapped against the flow of that sea of students.
The amount of frustration she felt at that moment was almost unbearable to her, tears filled her eyes so quickly that she could not avoid a few from falling, but she knew that she had no time for crying or feeling helpless. Karen needed to move on and moving on she would. With effort and great trouble she slowly began to win against the mountain of teenagers that would often stare at her as if she was crazy, what could compel someone to move away from the classrooms when the first bell rang was a mystery to them, and a mystery it would remain.
At every foot that she managed to gain in the direction that Jordan had gone to, she felt victorious and put in even more effort to get away from the mob of people. Her brain started to list all the places he could have gone to and every building that existed in her high school that could be reached through that corridor. So, when she managed to free herself from the arms and legs of strangers, she had a small compilation of places where she believed that Jordan could have gone to hide and think by himself. It consisted of three buildings, the basketball court, the infirmary, and the laboratory, which for reasons still unknown to the students, had perpetually remained "under renovation" for the last three years; unfortunately, she also felt that going to all three places would be a waste of time, even more so considering that none of them were actually near each other.
For just a second, she closed her eyes, reached a hand to her chest, and gripped the front of her t-shirt tightly, her knuckles turning white. She prayed to God, asking for a direction, any direction at all, and suddenly her feet started moving again, pounding the floor with each step hurriedly.
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Jordan had his eyes closed, his head resting on one of his arms while he lay down, all in all, his appearance seemed tranquil and peaceful and anyone that saw him like that would believe that he was lazily taking a good nap. But in truth, he was grinding down his thoughts and sifting through them, trying to get a sense of everything and questioning human nature. To any other person, maybe that action was not dangerous, and instead could maybe be considered healthy activity, but to someone like Jordan, who had just recently come out of his shell and was once again waddling through the waters of social interaction, questioning the value of human beings and our motivations was the path of doom. His shaky foundations were not enough to guarantee that he would not back out to the same place he was before, and this time, he would be even more imprisoned inside that mindset than before.
He ordered his thoughts in an organized timeline and proceeded to unravel every single one of them, trying to find their roots and the reasons he had to have reached such a conclusion. Why would he think that Mauve had been offended for something he did? Or why would he think that she had been offended over something that was out of his control? Jordan needed desperately to understand his motives, to understand Mauve's motives, he wanted something, anything to give him a path to follow that did not make him feel as disheartened and hopeless as he felt at that moment. But, each turn he made inside his brain reached the same conclusion, humans were not worth it. We were not worth the love and effort of others, we were backstabbing idiots that believed that following our blind and deaf hearts was a good idea. We were egotistic animals.
Jordan suddenly curled himself into a fetal position, gripping his heart tightly. Inside his brain, the images of Lola, Mrs. Tupper, Caleb, Mona and many others that had ensured his life was miserable were swimming around a whirlpool of anger and sadness. He then felt that it was only logical that they had treated him so poorly, after all, we were worthless, they were only following the evil inside their own hearts as everyone else did; some less than others, but Jordan believed it was inevitable. We would end up following our own evil wants, we were bound to it like slaves, searching desperately for our own pleasure even if it meant trampling one another. It was ingrained in our nature.
Humans were evil.
As his heart seemed to be near to exploding, Jordan felt a small hand touching his bicep, his head whipped around thinking about why would anyone be at the basketball court at such a time and what must they be thinking when finding a big guy curled into a ball all alone. To his utter relief, the eyes he saw were not of a stranger's, and he was instantly pulled inside the depts of Karen's loving gaze.
And all it took was that.
Jordan turned around and pulled Karen into his arms, he deeply breathed in the scent of her shampoo, and a wave of comfort took over him. He wasn't so sure he needed a reason to make an effort right now, in fact, he couldn't understand completely why his mind had headed in such a grim direction. Karen hugged him back and allowed him to recharge his batteries for as long as he wanted, but Karen was there with an objective, and she would not forget it.
Karen believed that even though Jordan needed comfort and warmth right now, she also needed to talk with him properly, to make him understand some things that she understood thanks to her therapist, Karen thought that soon she would have to introduce Jordan to their secret, and that talk would be her way of testing the waters. Would Jordan be open to it? Would he be able to receive it as he should or should Karen wait a bit longer? Those were the questions she hoped would be answered with that conversation.
However, right then Karen was heavily hit with the understanding that Jordan was going through a path, and its way opened up before her eyes; suddenly she understood the process he needed to undergo and why and also, where it would lead him. Karen was tranquilized at that moment, but she also learned that the talk she was hoping to have with him, shouldn't happen at that moment. Jordan needed more time, he needed to go through more sifting and more squeezing before he could hear what she had to say. So, she pushed him away lightly and stared at his eyes in silence, forcing Jordan to go back to the same place he was before, but this time, he was not alone.
Jordan couldn't look her in the eye anymore, he was ashamed of his thoughts, but he also knew that they were not untrue. And yet... wasn't Karen worth all the effort he could make? Wasn't she the one that always helped him and pulled his sorry ass out of the stormy waters he somehow always threw himself into? Could that be considered egotistical? Jordan sighed and ran a hand through his hair, he had no answers, but Karen seemed to be a complete exception to his train of thought and to all the evidence that he had accumulated inside his brain.
Why was she so different?
"Talk to me, Jay."
He sighed deeply.
"I'm just disappointed..."
"With?"
"Human beings in general."
"Why?"
Jordan scrunched up his face, a quick look of disgust blooming and dying, as ephemeral as a breath of air; his body unconsciously moved away from Karen, while he rested both his elbows over his knees.
"Because Mauve blamed us for something we didn't even do; she got so scared that she simply started to hate us. What does that show about humans? We're stupid, disgusting egoistic animals."
"Yeah. We are."
Jordan was taken aback, he was not expecting Karen to agree with him at all, he was ready to defend his point of view to her till she was as convinced as himself. He whipped his head around to face her, eyebrows scrunched together, his mouth hanging slightly open with confusion.
"What?"
"We suck. We're damn evil. What's your point?"
"What! Why? Why are you saying that?"
Karen raised one eyebrow at him, her face dead serious.
"Because it's true. Are you denying it now?"
"What! No! I just..." Jordan couldn't believe his ears, Karen's face and voice were telling him that she was serious, she believed what she was saying for real, but to Jordan, it made no sense at all coming from her. "Why do you treat everyone so nicely?"
"Because that's what I'm supposed to do."
"What are you saying?" Jordan answered, his arms shooting open wide to his sides, his confusion was overwhelming his brain, his sheer shock had rendered him defenseless against it. "Do you even hear yourself? You're telling me that you're supposed to make an effort for worthless, shitty people!"
"Yes, I am, and yes, Jordan, I can hear myself just fine," Karen answered, a hint of humor in the sound of her voice.
"Wha..."
Jordan deflated, his arms falling limply and his eyebrows shooting upward to the center of his forehead, while his lips stretched ever so slightly to the sides. Why would someone be willing to make that effort was beyond him at that moment. Karen gave him a small, lopsided smile and tapped his knee.
"Calm down, Jay, it's not the end of the world. We are all worthless and evil, no one is better than anyone."
"I think you're better than a lot of people."
"Then you're being blind because I'm just as evil as anyone else... Jay, can you know for sure what goes on inside my heart?"
Jordan remained silent, he refused to accept Karen as someone evil, how could she be evil when she was willing to make that effort, and treat people nicely even though she knew how bad they were? But Karen was seeing through him, she grasped his hand and shook her head.
"Stop that, I know you're denying it inside your head, but I am evil, Jay, and so are you. We're humans, and we're not immune to our own humanity."
"Then why go against it?"
"Because someone I love asked me to."
His eyes shot to hers, inquiring desperately about that someone she loved, he wanted to know who that person was, was it a guy? Did she love that guy more than him? Would she be willing to be with that person when she wasn't willing to be with him? Jealousy crept up from its hiding place in the dark and Jordan began to develop mixed feelings about Karen, about what was happening at that moment, and especially about her little hand that was grasping his so tightly. He wanted it gone. But just as his face was turning that ugly shade of green, Karen broke into a knowing and almost resigned smile.
"You're looking so very human right now, Jay."
Jordan felt like her words slapped him in the face with a piece of hardwood.
Karen was right, we were all the same, all bad, all egoistic, and all blind, and he was not an exception to the rule. On the contrary, he was the rule, and worse of all, he was doing exactly what he had condemned Mauve for doing. He was letting his ugly feelings run amock and control his already narrow field of vision.
"I'm not accusing you right now." She said while getting up. "But to answer your unasked questions: I love that person more than anyone and anything, and all I'm doing is because of that person, they're worth it, they're worth my efforts."
Her answer did not satisfy Jordan at all, it still meant that she loved someone more than him, which possibly meant that Karen could be willing to date that person even though she was not willing to date him. That thought kept nagging at him making him feel frustrated, he wanted to move on from it, to let go of it, but the more he tried the more it seemed to sink its sharp little claws at his brain. So, although Karen got up to sign that it was time to go, Jordan refused to move and, even though he was unaware of it, his eyebrows were knitted together, and his expression was not that different from that of a toddler that had asked for something and gotten a big "no-no" from their parents.
"Jay, you need to stop that and remember what we've already talked about, there's no hidden meaning nor any hidden possibilities in what I've just told you. Now, come on" she said while giving his hand a gentle tug. "We gotta go, we're in trouble, remember?"
Finally, Jordan surrendered and with a sigh, he got up and agreed to be dragged to the principal's office by Karen.