While Karen and Jordan had decided to put their possible relationship into hold, Mauve had absolutely no idea about that little conversation, and inside of herself more and more thoughts of aggressiveness toward Jordan were being birthed. Although this certainly did not help, in the end, it also felt for Jordan, that it also did not make things worse, he had grown so accustomed to being hated by his childhood friend, that he began to expect nothing else from her except aggressive anger. It was a sad predicament and Karen, though she tried every day to rekindle their friendship, suffered for both of them; part of her did not wish for Jordan to simply accept that their friendship was ruined, but she also knew that there was wisdom in giving up sometimes, she simply did not see it at that moment.
Discreetly but insistently, she would send Mauve text messages every morning and every night, that method however strange could have been to Jordan's eyes, was very effective to Mauve. She wanted proximity, but she also wanted that with a clear limitation where she could feel safe enough to believe herself out of harm's way; and for that feeling, Karen complied and nurtured her friend's illusion with care. Jordan was disappointed with himself for giving up, he wanted to try more, to do more, he refused to believe that he would restore a relationship only to have it destroyed by the next second. So, after considering what the best approach could be, he decided to do something he had never done before.
He asked for something.
During dinner time he spent most of his time watching Peter and Laura, luckily for him his lack of interaction was so usual, that no one really noticed it, with the exception of Karen, but she knew better than to intrude or point it out, if Jordan had something he wanted to think about then she would leave him to do so in peace. And so Jordan had reached the conclusion that both adults were in a good enough mood that him asking for something would not make either angry or preoccupied, and smartly offered to help Laura with the dishes when everyone was done.
As they stacked cups and tableware, Jordan prepared himself to speak, it was a new experience and he felt slightly nervous about it; there was just something about asking someone to spend their money on your behalf that seemed very touchy to him.
"Laura..." He trailed off suddenly unsure of how to best phrase his request.
"What is it?"
"I was wondering if I could have a MacBook, like Karen."
Since Jordan was known for his disregard for material objects in general, Laura's reaction upon hearing such an uncharacteristic request was very over the top; she turned abruptly to him with her eyebrows knitted together, her head tilting to one side while her mouth quirked upward unilaterally.
"I thought you didn't like that stuff."
"I just never felt like I needed it before."
Laura could see the truth in that statement. Although a MacBook could be used for various functions, almost all of which Karen used with regularity, Jordan had always been too smart to need much help with studying, too much of a bookworm to find researching in libraries difficult, and too much of a lone wolf to have friends; which basically meant that, truthfully Jordan had no use for a machine like that. As a matter of fact, Jordan had no use for most machines, the only electronic object he owned was an alarm clock, he found no interest in series or games, and as a distraction, he always had welcomed books, and as a way of passing his time, he had always felt that there was not one thing that could be better than reading; on regards of televisions, the Willows had a movie night, and that was all the interaction Jordan had with that.
"And now you do?"
"Yes."
"Okay... may I know why?"
"I have an old friend and we've had a falling of sorts, I just think it could help to fix things if I could contact her more often than just at school time."
Laura stopped, looking at him with her warm eyes, she considered his proposal and his situation, she thought about how much Jordan having a friend meant to everyone that cared about him, made some calculations in her head and finally gave him a smile as warm as the love she felt for that lost kid that had come to live in her home.
"I believe you're right, Jordan, and if that friend means a lot to you then you can have one, but first ask Peter about it, please. I can give you a yes, but you do need two."
"I'll do it. Thank you."
"You're welcome, sweetie."
Jordan helped Laura finish with the organizing and turned on the dishwasher before heading out to look for Peter. After dinner, if Peter was a bit stressed or simply wanted to vent out a bit, he always went to the living room with a cup of coffee, sat on his armchair, and watched golf. Karen had once questioned him about it and he said with honesty that there was nothing better to calm down his racing brain than a bunch of guys with sticks, repeatedly trying to hit a tiny ass ball; the repetitive action helped lure his brain into a slow pace and allowed him to sleep, instead of tossing and turning all night, cutting off his rest and he's wife's.
"Peter." Said Jordan once he found him.
"Yes?" Peter answered turning his head around so he could look at Jordan.
With a little quick deliberation, Jordan decided to start his request by giving Peter all the information and so, he firstly assured him that he already had had that same conversation with Laura, while helping her in the kitchen.
"... so I was wondering if I could have a MacBook, like Karen."
"And you want it because..." Peter trailed off waiting for Jordan to fill the gap.
"I have a friend and we've had a sort of fall out, so I thought it could help if we could contact each other at other times instead of just at school."
"I see..." Peter trailed off once again, but this time Jordan did not provide any info or input, Peter wanted to consider his options and Jordan thought it unwise to interrupt him; so, while his foster parent weighed the pros and cons of such a request, Jordan began to grind his own mind with the whole situation, he wanted to go back and visit his conversations with both adults to learn more about himself and those two people that diligently took such good care of him and Karen. He hadn't even finished analyzing his conversation with Laura when Peter broke into a smile.
"It's very good that you have a friend now Jordan, makes me very happy to see you're breaking out of that shell; that being said I can get you a MacBook for sure, but it won't be as good as Karen's, are you okay with that?"
"Yes."
"Good. Then you can have it in a few days, okay?"
"Thank you."
"You're very welcome, Jordan."
Jordan smiled, while Peter turned off the Tv and got up with a grunt; once he turned around Peter unexpectedly placed his hand on Jordan's shoulder and unknowingly triggered some unwanted memories inside of Jordan's brain. However, Jordan pressed them down again, unwilling to deal with the wounds of his past at that moment.
"We're really happy that you're opening up, Jordan. It truly does make me and Laura grateful to see those little steps you're taking."
"Thanks... I'm trying and getting some help."
"That's good, it'll change you, but it'll be for the best, you'll see."
"Thanks, Peter."
"You're welcome, kid." Peter put his hand ever so delicately on Jordan's face before removing it and walking away, all the while with a happy yet tired smile on his lips.
Jordan watched as Peter went upstairs, cup of coffee still in hand, to his bedroom, as soon as Peter was out of sight he's mind exploded with those ugly memories he tried to suppress. Even if he tried to calm down it would spin back to them, it felt to him that he was trying to kill a hydra, he pressed one memory down and two more resurfaced. With no idea how to deal with all of that at that moment, a sliver of himself remembered that easy and objective tasks helped a lot on focusing an overwhelmed mind, so he quietly went upstairs and decided to take a shower, he knew the warmth of the water would be comforting and the repetitiveness of scrubbing his body would be the anchor his brain needed at that moment to sift through everything. Even though the shower had helped, Jordan's mind was decidedly working against him and finally, he realized that he would not be able to calm down by himself and gave up on trying alone. That was how, in the middle of the night, Jordan made the decision of slipping quietly to Karen's bedroom, hoping that she would still be awake; since it had taken him a long time to have so little success, he felt like she was his only hope at that moment, but he also knew that in the middle of his efforts, the household had fallen asleep.
While Jordan was having his own difficulties, Karen was wide awake, not for the same reasons as Jordan and his suffering mind, but for something that was as important to her as life itself and as never before she had been interrupted, that knock on her door was, to say the least, very unexpected.
"Hey, are you awake?"
"Jordan?"
"Yeah, can I come in?"
"What? What are you doing here? Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I can't sleep. I need you... please."
His voice carried that tinge of sadness and desperation that told her that Jordan would not be doing that if he truly did not need it and was also enough to make her heart soften and squeeze at the same time, what followed was Karen putting her stuff away and asking him to wait for a minute. Soon she was opening the door, her cheeks tainted a delicate rose while she moved to the side so Jordan could enter, and her eyes filled with worry. Jordan was much too desperate at that time to regret his decision, he could not remember that the last time he was inside a girl's room he wasn't old enough to even consider them as much more than annoying, or that that particular bedroom belonged to a girl that he liked very much; although he felt that way, the same could not be said about Karen. Yes, she was worried about him, but she also retained enough self conscience in her to feel embarrassed that the guy she loved was entering into her bedroom; the space where she poured her secrets and retained her intimate world privately.
"What's wrong?"
"Can I sit?" Asked Jordan, his eyes filled with hurt, desperation, and confusion. Karen could almost see that he was not really aware of his surroundings.
"Sure." She answered, her eyebrows knitting together in an upward motion, her lips pursing ever so lightly.
Jordan sat on the first surface he could find and it so happened to be Karen's bed, it was covered with a lavender-colored duvet and some stuffed animals were chaotically dumped on top of it. Jordan plopped down and instantly rested his head on his hands, hiding his face from Karen's worried gaze.
"Jay..." Said Karen as she kneeled down in front of him, her hands gripping his forearms firmly. "Talk to me, what happened?"
Jordan wanted to speak, but he couldn't, as soon as he plopped down on her bed his brain went haywire because just like that he felt as if he was back in that dark room, he could feel that big hand squeezing his shoulder, the hot breath against his ear as he whispered and laughed at his suffering. Jordan felt a lump catapult into his throat and his body convulsed violently, he wanted to die at that moment, all he could think about was dying. Karen gripped his forearms with more strength, desperation creeping inside her heart.
"Jay! Please, talk to me, please!"
To Karen's utter horror instead of talking Jordan gave a small, defeated sob and broke down. His whole upper body fell forward and Karen had to fight with everything she had to squeeze herself between his arms and hold him up; she hugged him tightly, desperate for him to feel anything but that hurt.
"No, no, Jay, I'm here, please, it's going to be okay, please Jesus... please let him listen to me, please..."
Karen squeezed him hard one more time putting everything she had into that gesture and all her heart into her one prayer.
"Please, Lord..."
At last, she felt his long arms snaking around her body and she breathed a sigh of relief; he was back, Jordan was back from whatever hell he had visited, and Karen could not be any more grateful. Jordan at first could only relieve his trauma, his skin was filled with goosebumps of disgust and all his senses could only capture what his brain kept playing on an endless repeat; but suddenly he felt something else, suddenly he felt two warm and slender arms around his neck; his brain was still confused, mixing the memories with the present moment and he could not understand where those arms that were squeezing him so tight were coming from.
But, just like a sudden soft breeze brushing against him, he heard her voice.
She was pleading to God, a God that Jordan had forgotten even existed, but it was enough for him to understand just to whom those arms belonged to and, not without difficulty, he slowly wrapped her small frame and hugged her as tight as he could. Jordan heard that small sigh escaping from her lips and the following words.
"Thank you, Lord, thank you so much..."
Jordan felt his chest swelling with a feeling that reached up to his throat and overflew to his self harming brain; in an instant everything that felt so harmful and chaotic was gone, and a peace that Jordan could not understand invaded him. He still cried bitterly, but for the first time, he felt as if the hurt was being washed away from him, along with his tears. Jordan had no idea how long that went on but once he stopped crying, he did not feel worn out; he didn't want to let Karen go, however, but he understood that he had to; so, gently he moved his left hand up cupping the back of her head, Jordan squeezed Karen once more and then let her go.
When Jordan let her go and started to slowly drift away from her, Karen turned her face to look at him, still worried, still thinking about how he had broken down; Jordan was a mess, his face was reddish and wet, and although his eyes were also a bit red, they were shining clearly, Karen thought they looked like pieces of Seaglass reflecting the light that came from within him. She was instantly amazed by their beauty, and even though at that moment, Jordan was sticky and messy, deep in her heart she knew that waiting for him would be worth it.
"Thanks..."
He whispered, a shy smile spreading slowly through his lips. Jordan got not answer from Karen, she simply smiled the sweetest smile he had ever seen and kissed his cheek. Jordan closed his eyes and felt like crying again, but for a very different reason; he grabbed both of her hands and kissed the knuckles of her fingers, still keeping his head lowered to compose himself, but Karen slowly released her hands from his grip, pulled him closer and Jordan found himself resting his forehead against her chest. Karen, gently stroke his hair and though Jordan knew he had to leave, he also discovered that he needed that sweet comfort; so he sighed and gratefully accepted it.
"I love you..." He whispered.
Karen blinked and turned her face to the side, her eyes welling up quickly with unshed tears.
"Jay... you don't know what Love is." She answered, her voice as sweet as honey and as heavy as led.
"No, I don't." Jordan answered with a sigh. "I've never had a good experience with it."
He sighed, raised his head and stared at the swimming pools of Karen's eyes. Jordan saw how much weight she was carrying and how much sadness still lived down in her soul; she was beautiful, brave and sweet and Jordan's only thought was how could he not love her?
"I'm sorry that I don't understand it all." He said, and a peaceful smile spread through his lips, his eyes shining with his own love were heavy to Karen. "But I do know that I love you, Karen."
Jordan kissed her forehead, caressed her hair and got up.
"Thank you, for real, I'm glad I got you. Get some rest, okay?"
She could not look at him, and taking advantage of the fact that from way up there he could not see her face, Karen only nodded and allowed her tears to flow freely. Jordan walked to her bedroom door, he felt so different, so peaceful and certain; he felt solid like a rock, like no doubts could ever shake him again, he felt like he knew who he was and nothing could change that. As he opened the door of her room though, Jordan also realized that there was something that could crack his rock self and that something was that girl, silently kneeling on the floor.
"Good night, Kay."
Karen took a deep shuddering breath.
"Night, Jordan."
And he was gone, back to his own bedroom and bed, leaving only his smell on her clothes and it was Karen's turn to break down.
~~*~~
In the morning Karen was late, so Jordan had to take a lift from Peter; at school, he could not find her at all, Karen had disappeared entirely from his world for that day and Jordan almost felt like last night's memories were a dream. He was worried about her, so much so that very little of what happened around him got registered by his mind.
Since Peter could not pick him up from school, Jordan ended up taking the bus with a bunch of hyped teenagers that were too busy being noisy to take a second glance at him. His empty gaze kept following the long line of the street, it's constant gray color and the occasional bumps, all the while thinking about the night before, how her slender arms had squeezed him real tight and the little words that were exchanged; but the one thing that repeated itself the most inside of Jordan's mind was how he had openly admitted to Karen that he loved her and together with that, his brain kept reminding him that today the girl was nowhere to be found. If he were to judge his present predicament with his past experiences then Jordan would be able to reach only one conclusion, and that was that Karen had run away on him, but his present life was blossoming out to be so much different than his past, that even though the dark claws of old fears were twisting around inside his innards, his mind remained calm.
Jordan arrived later than normal and when he opened the door of the Willow's, the smell of a home cooked meal punched his nostrils, and by the heartiness of it he knew that Laura was the responsible for the amazing meal that was laid out at the table. But before Jordan could get really excited about it, he noticed that Karen was nowhere around.
"Hey Jordan! How was school today?"
Jordan forcefully unglued his eyes from the chair where Karen would normally be sitting, and placed them on Laura's smiling features.
"Same old."
"I see... well, help yourself, okay? I'll be right back."
It was then that Jordan noticed that Karen was holding a tray which contained a bowl of chicken soup, a cup of tea and a two pills. With his eyebrows creased he interrupted Laura's march.
"What happened?"
"Oh... Karen's not feeling well, I'll just take her dinner up to her room and then we can-"
"Would you mind if I do it? I'm not really hungry anyway."
Laura stopped on her tracks once again and turned completely to face him, her eyebrows as scrunched up as his.
"You sure?"
"Yes." Answered Jordan. "If you don't mind." He quickly added seeing as Laura's expression hadn't changed at all.
He knew she must think it very weird for him to ask that, after all for all she knew they were neither on good or bad terms, Karen and Jordan's relationship inside that house was more or less neutral, however Laura remembered that Jordan was trying to open up and was indeed being a bit more active on conversations and general interactions, so she ended up pegging his asking as an attempt to get closer to Karen.
"Okay, sure." She said while reaching him the tray.
Jordan took it, thanked Laura and calmly went up the stairs. In all truthfulness he wanted to run up those stairs, but if he did the soup and the tea would get sloshed around, making a mess and Laura would most definitely pick up on the fact that she was missing something that was happening inside of her house.
With great care he held the tray in one hand and knocked on Karen's bedroom door before opening it, the scene that he encountered squeezed his heart, but also shut up the old voice from his past. Karen was laying down on her bed, her lavender duvet pulled up to her chin and wrapped so tightly around her that the only thing he could see was her head; her eyes were watery, her nose red and several balls of paper were thrown at the floor around a bin basket that had filled up to the brim and could not take any more.
"Hey..." Said Jordan, walking slowly towards her.
"Hey..." Karen answered, her voice raspy and barely above a whisper. "Sorry about today..."
Jordan sat down and pressed his hand against her forehead, sure enough Karen was running a fever, he pressed his lips together before setting the tray on his lap.
"You think you can sit up?"
"Yeah, sure..."
He watched as she shuffled around and slowly managed to sit up straight. Jordan then sat the tray on her lap and watched as Karen sipped the soup slowly.
"How was your day?" She asked.
"Very boring, I spent most of it alone and thinking what could've happened with you."
"I'm really sorry-"
"It's not your fault Kay, you got sick."
He gripped her hand and started caressing her knuckles, right at that moment Jordan had no idea if that gesture was about calming her down or himself; he hated seeing her sick like that and felt helpless again, all he could do was watch as she suffered.
"Jay..."
"Huh?"
"Stop making that face, I'll be fine."
Karen gave him a weak smile, he couldn't smile back but he indeed could try to lighten his features, so Jordan pressed his lips together and gave a deep sigh.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
He kept silent, brooding over the weight of everything that had happened inside of him; Jordan could see clearly that the ropes of his past were still very much attached to him and controlling his emotions and decision making abilities, that day had only felt so heavy and wearing to him because he had to fight against one such rope, the one that kept telling him that everytime he opened up his heart, he would be abandoned. While his brain was sifting through the day's happenings Karen watching him as attentively as her feverish mind could, she knew there was something bothering him, but her faculties were so damaged by her body state that, at that moment, she could not think of anything that could make Jordan that broody.
Karen gulped down her meds with the remanents of her tea and analyzed his features with care. Even brooding, Karen thought Jordan was handsome.
"Hey..." She whispered and watched as Jordan raised his eyes to look at her face. "Do you think you could stay tonight?"
"I can come back later."
"Thanks."