As my eyes met with hers, I ceased to think for a short moment. My mind went completely blank and even though it was only for a couple of seconds, this world of mine became shrouded in an all illuminating white light. A light which I had never seen before.
When I finally came to my senses, I still had no clue what to say, "S-so, how's the weather?", maybe I could say something like that? No, that's just stupid. "What's your name?", That's way too forward! There has to be something better for me to say. Hmm, maybe I could go with: "You come here often?", yeah, I like that! It sounds cool and invites conversa-
"Do you know that you're bleeding?", the girl crouched beside me said.
"Huh!? I am?", I said as my hand went up towards this forehead of mine, the one which had just crashed straight into the ground. When I touched it I could feel something wet and sticky, then as I inspected my hand it looked like someone had taken one of my cans and sprayed it all over my palm.
"I guess I am… fuck", surprisingly it didn't hurt that much, instead all my focus went towards how I would explain this to Ingrid.
The girl giggled, "You're bleeding and that's all you have to say?"
She surprised me and I once again found myself at a loss for words. "W-well, yeah. Is there something wrong with that?"
She shrugged her shoulders," I don't know, I just think 'fuck' sounds funny", after saying that a goofy smile appeared on her lips and she stood up. "Anyways, we better clean the wound before it gets infected"
I nodded and began to get up from my pitiful position on the ground.
Then, as I was getting on my feet, she reached down with her hand to help me. I hesitated a short second but soon grabbed onto it.
As she helped pull me up, I managed to get a better look at her face. She had opal blue eyes and I noticed that her hair wasn't actually black, instead it was just a darker shade of brown. She appeared to be about the same age as me.
"We'll need to get some water in order to clean it. Luckily for us, I've got just the thing we need" After saying that she proceeded towards the floor of a destroyed house, as in literally the only thing left of the building was its cold stone floor.
As she went away from me, heading further into the dark, it felt as if I had exited some kind of trans. Suddenly my rationale returned and out of nowhere, all my previous questions exploded back into existence.
"What was she doing here? How long had she been here? Could I trust her?", this assault of the mind continued. The questions burying me in their disbelief.
Somewhere deep inside, I could feel a storm brewing. This was my place, this was the only place… the only place where I could forget ME.
Here I relished in my silent rebellion. I didn't need it to be heard, in fact, I didn't want it to. All I wanted was to have my graffiti. It was something which I didn't need to share, something that was mine - only mine.
Then she returned, with a blue plastic bottle in hand and with the same white light as before accompanying her. A light that made this storm of questions calm itself, making everything but it seems so trivial.
She looked at the bottle in her hand and then at my forehead, as her eyes wandered a puzzled expression formed on her face.
"So, how do you think we should do this?", she asked. Seeming genuinely unsure.
"Eh, I think, if I'm allowed to think, hehe, a little joke there. So, anyway, what we should do is, well… pour the water at the wound or something. R-right?", after that awful display of conversation, the girl in front of me just seemed confused.
Then, out of nowhere, she suddenly covered her mouth, as if about to throw up. But in this case, what she was trying to hold back wasn't any vomit, it was laughter.
After having covered her mouth for about ten seconds, the rumbling of her body finally ceased. "I'm sorr-", she wasn't able to finish that sentence without once again having to cover her mouth.
I was starting to get kind of irritated now. Here I had been, making an effort to discuss and solve the problem at hand, a problem which SHE had brought up. And all she did was laugh?
A shining light? What kind of fairy tale was that? Was I really such a failure that simply having a girl talk to me made me see her as some kind of angel? If that was the case then I'm glad I realized it, because now, all I was seeing was an ungrateful bit-...
I shocked myself with that sudden outburst. The words had appeared in my mind without any consent or warning. I even found it hard to believe that they were mine.
But before I could dwell on the subject any further I noticed that the laughing had stopped.
The girl finally seemed to have been able to calm her laughter. She took a deep breath to seal the deal and then attempted to speak one more time, "I'm sorry. That's what I wanted to say before. Actually, it wasn't really what I wanted to say, well I wanted to say it but it wasn't what I originally wanted to say, or you could say I wanted to say that more now than the thing I originally wanted to say, you know?"
All I did was nod and smile, trying my best to hide the terrible confusion her words had brought me. But those same words did make me feel a little bit better because they helped remind me that being bad at expressing yourself wasn't something only unique to me.
Though in contrast to me, she didn't seem shy as she spoke. Instead, it was more like her mind had wandered somewhere else while speaking. As if her words had simply appeared and then vanished just as quickly; no thought behind them.
The girl continued, "So, what I originally wanted to say: should I pour the water on you or will you do it yourself?"
"Wait, that's all?"
She raised her eyebrows, "yeah? Anything wrong with that?"
I could feel my irritation from before seeping back in, "Well, no. Not really. But why did you make such a scene of it?"
I could clearly see that she hadn't liked my words, not one bit, "What do you mean, 'make a scene?"
I didn't want to continue this conversation, yet I did, "As I was bleeding, all you did was laugh at me and waste my time", I pointed at my forehead, "This hurts you know".
She made an expression that oozed with confusion. Confusion about how this conversation had so quickly escalated into a blaming game, "What are you trying to say? Do you seriously think I laughed because I was trying to make fun of you? Like, I'm trying to help you, right?"
I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, sure", those words, once again I found myself doubting them.
The girl took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Trying hard not to let irritation fog her mind, "Please, pause for a moment", unlike before, what she said now appeared to have some serious thought behind it. "Let's not fight each other, instead, please tell me what's gotten you so mad all of a sudden"
For some reason, those words lit a fire."What? Are you really that oblivious? You-you just barged in here without thinking! Then, after that, you laugh at my bleeding face? And now you want me to explain why I'm mad?! Yeah, thanks sooo much for caring!"
It wasn't me. The one yelling and harassing this girl, it wasn't me. It couldn't be..."Is it that hard to just keep to yourself? Would you die if you didn't laugh at or bother someone every ten seconds? Maybe you can trick everyone else with this little act of yours, but in my eyes, you're just a fake. All of you are just fakes!"
"That's right Grey, this isn't you. None of this is you", this voice, it echoed in my mind.
"The one yelling at this girl who's only trying to help, that isn't you. The boy who didn't get to see his dad for the ninth time, that isn't you either. The boy who's just a useless piece of shit, someone who can't see color, someone who can't even be heard. None of those are you, so just sit back and watch, because that's not you who's yelling"
The girl tightened her fists, still holding the blue water bottle she had intended to help that boy with. Now, she was looking ready to knock him out, "I don't even know you, dude! And you don't fucking know me! You got that!?"
I could tell that the boy's words had hurt her, I could tell that they had provoked something uncomfortable. But since they weren't mine, did it matter?
The boy, the one who looked exactly like me but wasn't, continued, "You don't think I know you? That's where you're wrong. I've known 'you' my whole life!", those words… they were mine.
I knew as soon as I realized who they referred to. The "you" those words talked of, I knew them. The cold wave which washed over me whenever "that" person was mentioned, that's how I could tell. Tell that those words had been mine.
"So you really are just using her as an escape. Not that I really expected anything else, Grey", the voice said.
No, I said.
No, the voice said.
No, I said.
Who said anything? All those cruel things the boy who wasn't me had said to the girl. Who was it that had really spoken?
It couldn't have been me. Like seriously, it couldn't have been me. No, but seriously, I had only watched the words being spoken; so it couldn't have been me.
It. Couldn't. Have. Been. Me.
It. Couldn't. Have. Been. Me.
It. Could. Have. Been. Me.
It. Have. Been. Me.
It. Been. Me.
It. Me.
Me.
NO
It was the voice who had said all those horrible things. I had only watched. I was safe. As long as I only observed it all, as long as I only sat by my desk and listened, then I was safe.
"But Grey, you recognized the 'you'. That means those words came from your mouth, doesn't it?"
Shut up…
"And if that sentence came from you, then all the others also did. Isn't that true?"
Shut up…
"Don't worry though. Even if it looks like you're the one who said all those horrible things to that girl. Even though it looks like you're the boy who didn't get to see his father. Even though it looks like you're the one who's a piece of shit. The boy who can't see a single color. The boy who can't be heard or change a thing. Even so, don't worry"
Please… stop…
"Because I will always be there when school starts, not missing it a single time. I will be there when you're lying still in bed and staring at the roof. As all those walls of flesh surround you, I'll be there. While you slowly drown in this gray and monotone world, I'll be there, watching. Then, when you're finally on death's bed, staring at the roof - I'll be there"
"Am I… A horrible person?" I asked the voice, only to notice that it had ceased to exist.
"Oh, I guess I am… Fuck", I had spoken those words out loud, not that it really mattered anymore though.
I wondered what the girl in front of me was thinking right now. This "discussion" that I had shared with the voice, to me it seemed to have lasted a lifetime, but in reality only a couple of seconds had passed. To her it probably looked like I was some kind of psycho, uttering nonsensical words out of nowhere.
But as I tried to observe the reaction my words had brought her, I discovered that she was nowhere to be found. Then as I looked around, it became clear that the destroyed houses which had surrounded us, they too were gone. Everything was gone.
I closed my eyes. The back of my eyelids looked exactly like this empty space, devoid of color. I could hear my heart start to beat faster, I could feel as my breathing increased its speed. Cold drops of sweat slowly began their descent against my back, I tried to wipe them away, but they simply wouldn't stop.
Then, as if predetermined, something got stuck in my throat. At first, it was only a slight annoyance, but then it began to grow. It hurt, feeling as if I had swallowed acid. I tried to swallow this big clump of pain, only for it to grow larger. Soon it started to spread towards my chest and not before long the same acid-like feeling had begun festering straight in the middle of it all. Boiling. Suffocating me. Slowly destroying my insides.
If my throat was to disintegrate this very instant, if it were to collapse into a bloody mess and let out all of these clumps of pain into a gory poll, then I would've been relieved.
I wanted to open my eyes, but the strength I needed to do so that absolute minimal amount; I couldn't even gather half of it.
My breathing began to lose its tempo and every breath I took suddenly became a conscious action. It felt as if I was struggling to keep myself from drowning in an invincible ocean. This thought, the thought that I could drown any second if I simply ceased to swim, terrified me.
Then, out of nowhere, the clump of pain in my throat exploded. It hurt, it hurt so much. I tried taking a deep breath to calm myself, but instead, I started coughing midway through it. Those drops of sweat on my back began pouring down, making my shirt stick like glue. Then as I once again tried to wipe away these drops, I could hear my shirt begin to tear apart while my whole arm aggressively forced its way under it. I began trying to wipe away the drops as if my arm was a windshield, but when it didn't work and the sweat just kept pouring, I began scratching my back in irritation. My nails dug themselves deep inside the skin and blood began to mix with the salty drops of sweat, proving a painful combination.
I couldn't take it any longer, I needed to escape this place. My eyes, if I could just get my eyes to open then this painful world would cease to exist. In a last reach of desperation, I put all my remaining strength into opening these gates blocking my view of the real world.
My struggle against this ocean finally showed results as my eyes opened, revealing…
An empty void, devoid of any life or hope. It was almost comical.
Then I began to drown.