"Go back in time?", I asked the girl who had just proposed that very thing.
"Yeah, that's right. Do you want to?", she responded in a worryingly innocent manner.
"Like, right now?" Even though concerned, I decided to play along.
"Sure, as long as you're okay with it"
"I see… I have some questions then, if that's okay?", at the very least, this was sure to prove interesting.
She rolled her hand in an inviting gesture, "Ask away"
"Thanks. So, one thing I wonder is whether or not my actions in the past will affect the present"
"They won't", she answered with zero hesitation.
"A-are you sure? Like, if I had something I wanted to change in the past, I wouldn't be able to do it?"
"Do you?", damn, I don't know if she's good at reading people or if I'm just that easy… It's the ladder, isn't it...
"I don't really know honestly, some days I'm perfectly good, but others… well, not so much.", Oh no, that sounded so freaking edgy!
"Yeah, same here. Sometimes I just wish I could've done things differently, you know? Like, when people say that all of those previous events in your life, both failures and success, are what makes you into who you are, I agree. So when they say that changing what happened would mean changing you as a person, I get that, I understand that, but… what if I don't like this person?", I nodded furiously along, acting like her very own personal cheerleader.
But I found myself surprised by the fact that she had actually given such a proper response.
"Totally! I constantly find myself regretting the things I've said and done!...", As an example, just look at what I said right now, that's something I 100% regret doing…
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that", No, don't pity me! Please just make fun of me or something, don't try and console me! If you do that, it makes what I just said seem much more serious than it really is!
"B-but all you can really do is just keep on going, right?"Am I some kind of therapist now!?
She let out a small giggle, "I suppose... and sorry for ambushing you with my thoughts, I didn't mean to ramble on like that"
I scratched the back of my head, "Nah, don't worry about that. I thought it was interesting, and besides, everyone has regrets, no matter how sure about themselves they seem; that's just how it is. But then, the thing you said about not liking the person you've become… I understand what you mean by that, but I like to think that, well, people aren't just their past… or something like that", I just said whatever came to mind, letting the words get out before ever really considering them.
A smug expression was what awaited me after my rambling, "Did you just become a different character or something?"
"A different what!? N-no, it's just… ah, forget it! Anyways, weren't we going to travel back in time or something?", I had chosen to abandon my therapeutic ways.
"We sure were, but you've only asked one question so far, and if I recall correctly; you had multiple. So I'm just waiting for you to say you're done asking"
"Fine, I'm done. Let's just get on with this"
"Don't be impatient, if you have questions, then you should ask them", she was right, but unfortunately for her, I was freaking tired.
"It's fine. They were just questions about how we would be time traveling, but since I'm going to get to see that first hand anyways, they seem pretty unnecessary"
She looked like she wanted to retort, but as she presumably saw the tired expression in my eyes, no objection came, "Okay, but don't blame me for whatever happens"
"Don't worry, I won't", I was genuinely curious now. Wondering what exactly she was going to try and pull.
"Then, let us begin!", as she said that her arm flew up and before I knew it her finger was pointed straight at me, "close your eyes!", she said in a commanding voice.
It took a while before her words registered, "Ehm… okay. But you aren't going to try and kiss me now, are you? I know it's hard to resist, but don't worry; I trust you"
Her lips formed that which by definition is called a smile, but trust me, that was no smile..., "Hehe, don't worry. I won't try anything",... and that was no laugh either!
"Y-yeah, I know. I was just j-joking", why do I keep on making these stupid comments!?
Her eyes opened wide, with a piercing gleam to them. "Oh, that was a joke? But, wait… I didn't laugh. Aren't jokes supposed to do that? You know, make you laugh?", this time… she showed no mercy…
"I'm so sorry, I'll close my eyes and I'll listen to you, so please… no more…" I was powerless in the face of this foe.
She clapped her hands together, "Now that's what I like to hear!", The form her lips had taken, it could actually be called a smile now. "Now close them, otherwise we won't be able to travel back"
I did as I was told and soon everything within my sight was the dark backs of my eyelids.
"Ok, good. Now the first step has been taken", Her voice was the only thing which reached me in this complete darkness and I had absolutely no idea how all of this would turn out, but… I was kind of happy. Happy that I had chosen to come here, despite everything.
"Now, Grey, I want you to think back to the classroom at the start of today. The atmosphere, the people, every tiny little detail you can imagine… do you remember?"
"I do", I imagined it, me being heavily sleep deprived because of the day before and conversing with Sadim. Mr.Baldy and his strict attitude, the transfer student entering, standing before me just like now… I managed to recall a lot more than I thought I would.
"Good. Then, when you feel ready; slowly open your eyes", time travel, huh… if such a thing really was possible, then just imagine all the possibilities. She had said that nothing which happened would change the future, so does that mean we were simply going to be observing the past? Even so, that would surely lead to interesting outcomes! Just imagine all the things one could learn. You could study all of your previous failures and successes on a much more detailed level, then use that to better your understanding of why things happened the way they did. Maybe even prevent the same mistakes from ever happening again…
Just as an example, if I could go back to yesterday and observe my first meeting with this girl, then perhaps, after watching myself get mad and collapsing and hearing that disturbing voice once again, perhaps I could better understand why what happened happened...
But in reality, there's no way that could ever happen. Traveling back in time, I simply can't believe in something as convenient as that… but I still wonder, what if… just what if…
So as I slowly began opening my eyes, that faint hope of a miracle occurring remained in the back of my head.
That's why, when the sight which greeted me was the same one as before, an underwhelming feeling washed over me. It's impossible to go back in time, It's impossible… Yet I had still wished for such a miracle to occur, I had still hoped for such a thing.
The same exact ruins as before greeted me, the same exact night as before and the same exact person… no, I just realized something. There's one thing that is different this time around…
I'm alone.
That girl, she's nowhere to be found… Did she leave while my eyes were closed? Was this just some trick to create an escape for her?
I think about calling out to her. Asking if she's here, but then I remember; I still don't know her name…
Well, I guess something like this was simply inevitable. She said that she forgave me and she was even the one who invited me here, but I knew that something like this was just too good to be true. It's impossible for a person to be loved by everyone and therefore it is also impossible to love everyone. So I suppose this is a good wake-up call not to scream at people you barely know because that tends to be a pretty big negative…
But even after all of that, I still found myself hoping for her to show up. Showcasing that crazy personality of hers once again, doing things I could never predict and making me cease to think about all of the stuff which otherwise always drowned my-
Then the girl suddenly came walking out of the dark shadows of the ruin. I saw the side of her body as she walked, then stopped and turned, facing me directly.
"talk with your friend", she whispered.
I just stood there, frozen.
She looked at me with expecting eyes, "Hey, earth to Grey. Earth to Grey, do you copy?"
Honestly, what had I been expecting? Of course, this is what she would do.
Her jaw then suddenly dropped, as if she had just realized some horrible secret, "Wait… You aren't going to faint again, are you!? Please don't do that! I have no idea what I'm going to do if that happens! I mean, last time I just splashed some water on your face and then walked away all cold-like as you woke up, but even though I was angry, I was really scared that I had left you to die or something!"
As her words came flying at me, I took a deep breath and responded: "Don't worry, I'm fine. Also, fainting like that isn't some normal occurrence for me, so you really shouldn't worry too much about it", so please stop bringing it up…
Her expression calmed after that, which I decided to take as a small victory for my otherwise poor communication skills "That's good to hear. Then we should be able to continue"
"S-sure, but, continue with what exactly?", I felt that I had to ask
Blank. That's the only word that described the reaction my question had given her, she looked as if I had just asked: why do humans need to breathe? "What do you mean? With the time travel of course!"
"Wait… that had already begun?"
"Of course it had!", she did a small jump of irritation, like, she literally jumped up a few centimeters in the air… "That's why I told you to speak with your friend, just like you did this morning!"
The pieces of this absolutely insane puzzle were starting to come together, "So… what you wanted me to do was speak with Sadim?"
She nodded rapidly, "Exactly! Talk with Sadim!"
"But, how should I talk with someone who isn't here?"
"Don't expect me to have all the answers! Think for yourself a little; use your imagination!", my perfectly logical question, was it really that offensive?!
Somewhat hesitant, I carefully asked my next question, "Then, should I just act like he's here beside me or something?"
"There you go! Good boy!", as a teenage boy, this pampering coming from a teenage girl of the same age did not sit that well with me…
"But wait, does that mean you just want me to imagine that we're back in the classroom from this morning?"
"Yes, exactly!", she clapped her hands again and then pointed at me, "Ding ding! One hundred points to Grey!"
"Well, thanks for the points but… How can you call that time traveling?"
The stale smile she was showcasing remained unchanged, almost as if my words hadn't even touched her ears.
An awkward silence arose and I started to feel like I had said something wrong. If this was some kind of sitcom I imagined that this was the point in which those booing sounds would've been placed…
But no… Why would they be booing me? I'm right! There's no way that what she just described can in any way be considered time traveling!
"That's just called using your imagination, nothing else!", I wasn't going to feel guilty about stating the truth!
Her smile crumbled into a straight line and the glint in her eyes vanished without a trace, no doubt my words had reached her this time "Wow, you must be the life of the party."
"Well, I've never been to one so I wouldn't know."
"That explains a lot…", I didn't like the way she put that, but I chose to ignore it for the sake of both of our throats.
But my lack of a response meant our conversation entering a stalemate, neither side sure on what to do.
So that's why time did as time does and moved on, but the two of us stayed. Usually, I was pretty good at handling long moments of silence like this, it was something which had often occurred when dad's business partners had come over for dinner or the like. But this silence felt different because I felt motivated to break it.
But how? If I speak up she will surely answer, but what words should I use? What feelings do I present? How should my tone be and… how can I possibly convey all of that to her?
But Ignoring all of that, what I finally said was, "Hello"
The girl who had been looking up at the night sky during this silence, her gaze didn't divert, but she did smile. "I see that you have learned well, my pupil!", she let out a proud laugh.
"...I'm not a dog you know."
"Don't worry, that's painfully clear. After all, the only sticks you chase seem to be those you throw yourself", apparently she had taken the role of the therapist this time around.
"I don't chase any sticks! Don't you remember? I prefer cats"
"No, I don't remember.", she tapped her forehead, "The only things stored up here are valid opinions and cute puppies, none of which appear to correlate with what you stated"
"But if you can state that there is no correlation with my opinion, then doesn't that mean you remember it?"
"...", no response. Does that mean… I finally did it? Did I actually win for once? After all this time, I won?… I won… I freaking won!! "So should we continue with the time-traveling now?"
Just like that, she disregarded my victory as if it hadn't even happened…
"You mean the fantasizing?", if that's how she's gonna play it, I ain't gonna hold my punches either!
One of her eyes twitched, my attack seemed to have proven effective. But then she suddenly smiled, "Well, you can call it whatever you want, but if we're going to do it, then we should probably hurry up a bit before it gets too late", she's trying to take the moral high ground? As if that's going to work!
"Should you really be the one saying that? Wasn't the 'time traveling' your idea to begin with?"
The sound wave of those words, as it washed over my conversation partner, she... sneered? "That's true. I did bring up the time travel, but why Grey? Why did I bring it up in the first place?"
A strong premonition of disaster, that's what I felt surrounding the memory she wished for me to recall - yet I pursued. "Why? Well, didn't that also have to do with me forgetting something?", our conversation had diverged in so many different kinds of directions, that I was honestly having a hard time trying to remember the origin of it.
Compared to the various business people who had visited dad and the formulaic conversation I had been forced to take part in, what I was doing right now truly was nothing less than the complete opposite of those stale dinners and the like.
Back then I had studied and thought about every single word, constructing sentences in my head and wondering about all the different outcomes they could lead towards. I had been able to recall all that had been spoken before, in actuality, I had probably spent a much greater amount of time thinking about my own and their previous words than speaking new ones. But this hadn't only been limited to these strangers, it was just how I approached most conversations.
Almost like some kind of game, where I thought about the sentence I had received and then was tasked with figuring out the best possible response. Feeling like I was viewing it all from a distant perspective of simple pros and cons, without ever truly engaging.
So that's why me getting lost in conversation and forgetting things, while unfamiliar, felt somewhat pleasant.
And that's how I remembered it - the origin. Then I shoved both hands inside my pockets and leaned forward a bit, almost as if the person opposite wouldn't have heard me otherwise. "Ok, the last guess. I want to say that it starts with an… A?"
She smiled, it seemed like I had managed to get a positive response for once, but then she spoke, "What's with you acting so smug, huh? Are you trying to turn this into some kind of joke? Like, I can understand forgetting the name of some random old classmate that you haven't seen since elementary, but the new and hot transfer student; really dude? And on the same day as their introduction nonetheless?"
"... sorry, I'm just not very good at remembering stuff like that…", I can't keep letting my guard down like this!
Her arms crossed and frowning at me she said," Fine, I'll forgive ya. But make sure to remember it this time"
"Wait… Are you just gonna say it?!"
"Of course not!"
Of course not…
"So, are you ready to travel back in time?", with her arms still crossed, the expression she wore seemed far too serious for what was actually happening right now.
"I'm ready…"
Suddenly her eyes lit up, "I said: are you ready!!?"
This girl was getting far too comfortable about the fact that we were the only people here… "I'm ready"
Still looking displeased, I saw how she took a deep breath to let out yet another yell, but right before she could I gave her a sharp glance, "I'm not going to yell, okay? Can we please start with the fantasi- time-traveling already?"
"Tch, fine, you don't have to", she really spoke "tch" out loud, huh…
"Do you want me to close my eyes again?"
"No, what I want you to do is take the role of that bald teacher and introduce me"
I felt kinda bad for Mr.baldy that that was the one characteristic people always remembered him by, but then I realized the hypocrisy behind that sentence. "Well, um…" I cleared my throat, "Be quiet over there Grey!" then I began.
"So today a new student will be joining our class. You may come in"
Then the aforementioned student entered behind me, seeming as if she had teleported there. As she did that, I thought about what was supposed to happen next and then I recalled that I, or rather Mr.Baldy, was supposed to yell at me and Sadim again. "Hey! You two be quiet over there and show some respect!" I remember feeling ashamed after that. The fact that I hadn't bothered to pay any attention to this new student had made me feel pretty despicable. But I guess it didn't end there because the reason this is all happening right now, is due to the fact that I couldn't even be bothered enough to remember her name...
"I'm sorry…", It was me who had said that, but it wasn't I who had spoken it. The transfer student looked completely disarrayed, or I guess that was supposed to be me?
Well, if she's going to take that role then… "So you can apologize Mr. Criminal?" I winked.
"What!? I don't sound like that! You make me sound like a dying rat!"
"Well, you make me sound like a depressed bigfoot!"
"Have you ever met bigfoot?"
"No, of course not!"
"Then how do you know what he sounds like!?"
"That's not the point!"
We both stared seriously at each other, but then she giggled. "We really are bad at being productive, aren't we? After debating about it for god knows how long and now finally doing it, the first thing we do is argue even more", she smiled with just her lips, vaguely, but somehow it seemed like the most real smile I had seen from her since, well… I met her.
"Speak for yourself. I think that we've been perfectly productive."
She shook her head, "of course you would say that… but I guess the fact that I can say so means we've at least done something right"
"Exactly! After all, the only person who can actually decide whether something you've done is productive or not is yourself. Which means that even though I don't know your name, I've still gotten to know you. I just can't label you yet." I could see my arms helplessly flailing around as I spoke "So in my eyes, this has been something meaningful, arguments and all." I didn't fully believe that, but I still said it because I thought it was the right thing to say. It really was fun being here, she was fun to be with, but I will go home soon and fall asleep; thinking about how it was fun to be here and how she was fun to be with - all while rolling around in bed. Then the sun will rise and a new day will come, though I'll probably be stuck here a little while longer until eventually, this place in time fades; not due to the break of a new day, but simply because I'll forget...
Suddenly she stood right in front of me, our bodies almost touching. "My name is Dawn", I was longer than her, but not by much. She was wearing leggings and a hoodie, the same as yesterday. Maybe the reason she had been here in the first place had to do with exorcising? Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, which seemed to support my theory. Dawn was staring at me with dull eyes as if disappointed about something… Dawn?
"Your name's Dawn?"
"Yepp", the deadpan look on her face didn't change.
"That's… Nice to know…", what the hell?
Her gaze gained a little more life. "Anything else you want to say?"
The navy color of her eyes faded into the night, but since she was standing so awfully close, I still managed to make it out. It was the same with every other small detail. I could clearly see every breath she took, every blink and small twitch too. I tried my best not to look though, feeling like it would be somewhat indecent. "Em… Do you really need to stand so close?"
"Yes", she sure is confident in herself…
Empty for words after such a quick response, I found myself focusing my gaze on the ruins behind her. "It's a nice name…"
"Can you look at me while saying that?", she spoke as if challenging me.
My view still fixated on the ruins, I wondered: "Why?"
"You said you knew me, didn't you? That even if you didn't know my name and couldn't label me, you still claimed to know me." I wasn't looking at her, but I could clearly tell that her expression had come alive. "So look at me and repeat it, prove that you won't forget it this time"
A part of me wanted to laugh at her words, to dispose of them. But another part of me wanted to punch that part in the face. So soon she filled my complete view. Her eyes looked expectantly at me and her lips formed that vague smile once again, all of it seemingly calculated to put the most amount of pressure directly upon me. My mouth opened, but it had seemingly been done prematurely since no words escaped. It was more like I had simply hoped for a sentence to take form… But as I was just about to close my mouth in retreat, I caught a glimpse of her hard to see navy blue eyes once again: "Dawn… it's a nice name…" Ahh!! I need a pillow! Give me a pillow so that I can bury my head in it!!
Her vague smile remained, but it seemed to twitch a bit after hearing my words. "Thanks!", then she did a spin and suddenly her back was facing me, "I'm gonna head home now, but thanks for today Grey, it was really fun." After saying that she started walking towards the other end of the ruins, opposite of where I had come from.
Just like all her previous sudden actions, this also put me in a temporary frozen state, but as I saw her back heading further away - I called after her. "I'll see you tomorrow!", I really hope it's true that no one actually lives here…
She stopped in her tracks, no words came and she didn't turn around, but as she began moving again, with the back of her hand - she waved.
***
Restless in my bed once again, I rolled around, just as predicted. As I thought back on the things I had said to her, I did what I had wished to do then and pressed a pillow against my face. So far this was all according to script, but my own thoughts surprised me when I noticed what they were focused around. I did of course think about our dialog, but contrary to what I had predicted, it wasn't the only focus I had. In actuality, this studying of our previous words only took up a very small portion of my thoughts.
The major subject on my mind was instead… tomorrow. As I recognized this, I realized that underneath the pillow, I was smiling. Then I began pressing it harder against my face as if wishing to hide this fact, but I knew that no matter how hard I tried, it couldn't be hidden.
Tomorrow… I was looking forward to it…
Then I finally recognized just how hard I had been pushing the pillow and pulled it away before accidentally suffocating myself. But as my eyes could finally bear witness to my room once more, I noticed a small light sneaking its way through the corners of the curtain. It seemed that the morning sun was rising.
I sighed heavily. "This isn't funny… Again!? Seriously!?"
Is this some kind of curse? Am I simply doomed to never get a proper night's sleep when meeting the girl called Dawn!? This isn't fair!!
And so, a new day arrived.