The view outside of the window was one of complete darkness. I couldn't tell if the train was actually moving or not, the only evidence was the stations we stopped by every now and then.
Twelve minutes and five stations. The same route I had taken back and forth for about a year now. At first, I had been afraid of using the train, fearing that I would get horribly lost. But as with most of the time, my caretaker had come to the rescue.
Ingrid had taught me every tiny little detail surrounding the subway. Not only had she told me which route I needed to take and the name of every station; she had also told me about the whole subway system itself. When and why it was built. Where on the train I would be safest in the case of an emergency. And also about the different workers, not only on the train but for the whole subway system.
Honestly, I couldn't remember half of the stuff she had told me…
Okay, I get how bad that sounds! So I understand why some might say that it was a waste to teach me, someone only taking the train back and forth between school, all this extra stuff. But for me, just knowing that there was all of this extra stuff to know about the subway, it had made me feel a lot more comfortable taking the train.
Actually, most of the stuff I had gotten comfortable doing was nearly always because of Ingrid. But the big difference between the subway and all the other activities we had done together, was the lack of a "phone call".
That was precisely what had happened when we were cooking together and always what happened when I tried to diverge too far from my supposed path.
It always starts with me being hesitant, fearing that the thing we're doing together will end just the same as last time. Then, after we've done it for some time, I let my guard down and start to grasp after something more than what I already have.
That desperate struggle for some kind of freedom always feels so real. But it never, and I mean never, is. Because the "phone call" always arrives and then the linear road I'm traversing reveals itself.
It always hurts seeing Ingrid try and reason with the person on the other side of the phone, a person who is nearly always "her"; my stepmother…
"Wow, that sure got depressing real fast", I thought jokingly to myself.
This recalling of past events made me think: "A whole year really has gone by since I left, huh…"
I didn't wish to recall any more memories before this year when I had still been living in that house. But I didn't want to confront the present either, so I just sat by my train seat, gazing out of the window, transfixed at the pure abyss on the other side.
"I shouldn't go see her", was the only thought I had as the train arrived at my stop.
***
The torn-down neighborhood stretched out before me, this was the place we called the ruins.
Once again I had snuck out of my apartment in the dark of night. But this was the first time I had ever done so two days in a row.
I honestly couldn't tell you what I was doing here, but this was the decision I'd made.
My mental energy was pretty much nonexistent right now. It had all been used up in order for me to decide what I was going to do. And since I was standing here right now, the only thing I could think to do was continue.
Therefore, I began making my way towards the middle of the ruins.
Since this place had been pretty much abandoned, there were no real lights to speak of. Thankfully the almost cloudless sky allowed the moon and stars to do their part in providing light, but my phone's flashlight did still come in handy.
Most of all, I didn't want a repeat of yesterday. The wound hadn't been that bad, but Ingrid had asked about it. Thankfully I had managed to come up with a pretty good excuse, but if the same thing happened again, it would most likely not go over as well.
So as I stepped on the rubble beneath me, my eyes were basically glued to the ground in an attempt to avoid any particularly large pieces.
This continued until I reached the middle of the ruins, where solid and mostly rubble-free ground could be found.
My neck had gotten rather stiff from all the looking down. So I slowly began raising my head up.
Then she was there. Sitting on a big piece of rubble right in front of me. She was looking at her phone, seeming somewhat bored.
Before I could say anything she looked up at me, "Now, I know time's relative and all, but I'm pretty sure I got here first"
I could see that she was waiting for me to do something in response, but I found myself coming up empty. Because I didn't know what she had just said. I hadn't been able to focus.
Should I laugh? Maybe give a clever response? A response to what!? You just admitted that you didn't hear her!
"Hey, You okay? You aren't gonna blackout on me again, are you? That totally freaked me out last time", she stood up.
"N-no, I'm fine", she did it again. She just mentioned yesterday like it was nothing.
"Okay, that's good to hear", I shouldn't be here.
"Sorry to worry you…" Coming here had been a mistake.
"So what do you wanna do now?", Why's she asking me?
"I don't…", What did I think I could prove by coming here?
"Don't have any ideas? Well, I guess I'm the one who invited you… where are your tools?", doing something like this, it isn't who I am.
Why did I try to grasp after something more again? Have I still not learned my lesson? I can't do this. I can't. The graffiti is enough, why can't it just be enough? I need to go back, I can't stay here. It hurts, for every second I continue to stand here, it hurts.
"... I need to go back… I'm sorry", I finally did it, I apologized.
"Oh, don't sweat it. There's no need to apologize for that"
The last drop.
"What!? Of course, there is!! I treated you like shit, I screamed at you and I used you to vent my anger! I did so many cruel things and then you tell me that I don't need to apologize for it!? How can you be so carefree?! You keep mentioning yesterday as if it's some past memory and you apologize for getting mad when there's absolutely no need to. I have been waiting the whole day for a chance to apologize and when I finally do it you say that it's not necessary?! I don't get it! Why do you keep on insisting to see me!? I don't even understand how you can muster up the energy to look me in the eye after all I've done and-"
" Wait!!!!!", the yell she let out, if people had still been living in this neighborhood, every single one would've woken up with a cold sweet after that.
"So what you're saying is…"
She began to speak. I could feel the regret starting to seep in. Losing my cool like that seemed to always happen every time I talked with her…
"... That you weren't talking about the spray cans?"
Spray… Cans?
Haha, how funny, hehe. Looks like I misunderstood once again, haha. Well, that's just what happens sometimes…
It had all been for nothing!!
I turned back in the direction I had come from and said, "Well, it was nice seeing you. I'm gonna go home now and scream in my pillow. See you tomorrow!"
"No, don't leave! I'm sorry that I confused you, but please don't leave yet", I'm not going to lie, hearing her call out to me like that did give me a pretty strong mental boost.
"...Why?", yet I still found myself asking the same question I had been asking all day. She didn't respond, so I continued, "Why do you want me to stay?"
"Well, because I'm bored", such a straightforward answer!
Without even realizing it, I had turned back; facing her once again. "Bored?"
"Yeah, that's right. I'm bored as all hell. That's why I'm here with you", I didn't know whether to cry or celebrate.
"I don't get it"
"What's there not to get?", she seemed irritated at my questioning of her reasoning, but I truly couldn't understand.
"If you're bored, then why not just hang out with some of the new people you met today? Why insist on seeing me? L-like I get that my overwhelming charm is hard to resist but still…", She just continued staring at me. Ohmygod she isn't laughing!! Why isn't she laughing!? It was a joke! A joke! Please don't tell me she's going to take it seriously! Why did you have to try and be funny Grey!!
But then she finally answered, "Because your graffiti was freaking awesome!"
"...Huh?".She had been totally serious while speaking those words. I had tried to discern any ill intent within them, even judging the tone of her voice and body language, but that effort had just proved her statement even more genuine.
"Like, the way you made all those cool shapes and forms so quickly and how you then managed to make them match with colors and all. It was amazing!!", she sounded so enthusiastic while she spoke, it made me feel bad about doubting her in the first place.
I was surprised that I now found myself thanking the darkness of the night because even though it had been the reason for my fall yesterday, it was currently the only thing somewhat hiding my extreme blushing.
"Don't you agree?", why does she have to be so serious about this!?
"W-well… not really…"
"HUH!!!? Why not!?", geez, that scared me!
"It's just something I do, you know? I don't really think much about it, it's just a hobby; nothing more"
She grabbed her chin, looking at me as if it was now her turn to analyze the other person."I dunno, you seemed pretty passionate about it yesterday if you ask me. I mean, because of my small 'disturbance' yesterday, you began yelling and doing all kinds of mean stuff. If that isn't the sign of an artist then I don't know what else could be", did she just accuse all the artists around the world of being screaming and cruel lunatics?
"No, that's not…", I couldn't find the words, or rather: I didn't know them.
"Not what?", she really didn't let down for even a second, huh...
How should I answer? What's the best way to do this? No, I need to slow down. Take a step backward and consider everything that's happened. Let's not do anything hastily before we've watched the situation unfold a bit more.
"You're doing it again", Okay, so that's what she says. Now, how should I answer that? Maybe joke a bit? Or perhaps talk about my graffiti, she seemed pretty interested after all. Also… Doing what again? What's that supposed to mean? Did I make some kind of mistake? That's not good, I should probably try and figure out what she means before I try to do anything else. So... let's wait a bit more.
In my waiting for her to act, she crossed her arms and just continued looking straight at me; not speaking another word.
Well, this is awkward… What did I do? What's the perfect thing to say right now? I can't just yell out all my thoughts again, that just wouldn't work. So what I should do is… Fuck!! I don't know! Why's she just standing there?! Who does she think she is? Why does she have to bother me!? She was bored!? What kind of stupid excuse is that?! She thinks my graffiti's great? What a load of bullshit. She says I got mad over some stupid paintings? Of course not! I couldn't give less of a shit about my graffiti, so of course, I wouldn't get mad over something like that!
And to top it all off!... I actually believed her... I mean, for God's sake, how could I be so easily manipulated by some simple nice words? Especially when those same words came from someone whose name I don't even know… That's right, a total stranger.
"Are you getting mad again?", those were her words. I felt as if she had been reading my mind this entire time.
"What? Why would I be mad?"
"That's what I'm asking you", I'm not mad! That's what I should say, but that will just make it even more obvious… I need to convince her that I'm not angry. But how? I don't know the words to say.
"Say Hello"
"Hello", wait what?
"See, that wasn't so hard. Now, tell me, which do you prefer: cats or dogs?", was she… making fun of me!? What else was this supposed to be? Cats or dogs? Why would I care? I have-
"Buzz! You fail"
"What? I didn't do anything!"
"That's right, and that's why you failed. You can't take more than five seconds to answer"
"Okay... "
"So, let's try again!", she pointed dramatically at me, acting like some game show host, "Which do you prefer, cats or dogs?"
"Eh… Cats. But I've never had an animal in my life so I don't really know honestly"
"Buzz! Wrong answer", she was scaringly good at imitating one of those red buttons you always see in gameshows…
"What!? How can I be wrong about my own opinion?"
"Everyone knows that dogs are objectively better than cats, so that's why"
"No, they aren't! Cats are much easier to take care of since they don't beg for your attention all the time. They're also much cuter"
"I thought you said you've never had an animal?"
"I haven't, but I know people who have"
"Fine, I'll give you half a point if you're going to be so stubborn about it", so petty!
"I'm not the one saying that the other is objectively better!"
"Okay, that's enough of that", Once again she pointed straight at my face. "Next question: What's your name?"
"Oh, it's Grey"
"Buzz! Wrong answer"
"Wha- How can it be wrong!?"
"Because it's a stupid name"
I clapped both my hands together and took a deep breath, "Why?"
"Well, you're named after a color then, aren't you? Like, that's not very creative, is it?", she just insulted my parents like it was nothing!
"I think it's good!"
"No one asked you Grey", my jaw just dropped.
She stared at me with an emotionless expression, but eventually, she couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing. She barely managed to speak, "I… I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist pulling your leg", My eyes were fully open, staring at her, not fully comprehending the situation.
After a bit, she managed to somewhat calm down and continued, "Let's just consider this my revenge for yesterday"
"S-sure", I would never be able to look at my name the same way…
"But, I'm the same as you, I also really like my name"
"Mhm", I still don't know her name. I still don't know her name. I still don't know her name!!
"I think it's pretty, don't you?", no!! This is the worst possible outcome!
"Yeah, absolutely!", please don't ask me anymore!
"Well then, let's continue", she pointed at me while I took a sigh of relief after having somehow escaped that dire situation. "So then, this will be the final question: what's my name?"
"..."
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
"Buuuuuuuzz! Times up! I told you not to think about it that much, just answer"
"Eh… Can I use a pass?"
Her eyes turned cold far too quickly!, "No", that's all she said...
"Then… I would like to say that it starts with a… B?"
She gave a small smile, but I knew better than to trust it. "Let's go back in time a little, shall we?"