Lacking. That's how I would describe my descent into this empty abyss. The "right" thing to do was for me to keep on fighting against the tides of this gray ocean, but I could find nothing within me that screamed to do so.
My eyes were staring straight at the surface above, yet I felt nothing as I continued drowning. There wasn't anything beyond this place dragging me upwards, even though I knew there probably existed something, thinking about it would just bring back the lump in my throat. That's the one thing I didn't want, as long as I didn't have to experience that pain again, then drowning seemed almost pleasant.
Actually, all of this was rather comforting. The things I had cared for, those who had hurt me, none of it weighed me down any longer. All I did now was exist in this invincible ocean as if I was floating in the air.
I was flying. It made me giggle. "I'm flying!", I triumphantly yelled.
As the surface kept increasing its distance from me, I laughed. Now that I could fly, why would I ever want to return from here?
Whatever the place I was falling down towards would prove to be, I knew that it was going to be better than the world above. Even if the place below proved to be emptiness itself, as long as I could still fly, then everything would be fine. Honestly, if I never saw a real person again, that would be okay.
I began closing my eyes again, it was a pity since I had worked so hard to open them. Still, it's not like I needed them anymore. After all, in this ever-continuing descent of a world, there was nothing left for me to observe.
Then those black gates once again began covering my sight. A small cry of regret appeared in my mind, but it vanished just as quickly. Then I finally became one with this world.
It was all so perfectly simple.
Or at least it would've been had I not been pulled back, but unfortunately, that was exactly what happened. Because this invincible ocean had all of a sudden turned into a real one, with a cold wave suddenly splashing me in the face.
I found myself lying on the ground, and above me, there she stood. With the blue water bottle turned upside down and its top having been removed.
She didn't look at me, "There, now the wound's clean", and after saying that she started heading away from these ruins.
As I heard the sound of her footsteps getting further and further away, that storm of my mind returned: What happened? Why am I on the ground? Did I faint? Where is she going? Should I say something? Was it my fault? Did I do this? Should I apologize?
This chaos continued until I realized that the sound of her footsteps could no longer be heard. I was alone once again.
Slowly my breathing resumed to normal. My back hurt and I could feel a slight headache starting to sneak up on me. As I laid here still on the ground, I felt tired. The ground was hard; not comfortable in the slightest. It was also rather dirty, as the ground tends to be… But even so, I didn't want to get up.
The night sky, I found myself staring straight up at it. Every star shined so clearly, twinkling in the dark of night. I began to count them, not knowing their names or where the different constellations could be found.
I really didn't want to get up.
Was she going to tell the cops about my graffiti? I wasn't really worried about anything happening to me, but if dad found out about it, I feared what would happen to Ingrid. He wouldn't make her leave, would he? If I was the reason she would be forced to quit, then…
No, I shouldn't think like that. The girl had said that she wouldn't tell anyone. Even though I upset her, I don't believe she would snitch on me. I mean, it might have seemed like I was the one who said all of those horrible things, but it wasn't.
The "Voice" was the one who had uttered all those insults. I had just been the messenger. It was hard to believe, but that's the truth. I was just a bystander, an observer. It was as if I had watched a movie, me being the audience - sitting comfortably in those rose-red chairs.
This all sounded so crazy. It always did. I understood that it seemed like a poor excuse as if I was just running away from all of my guilt. Still, I knew how I felt. I even had proof - proof that my claims of innocence were not baseless. That's because the chains of guilt that usually ensnared me were nowhere to be found.
Their freezing coldness, I could not feel it. Their haunting rattle, I could not hear it. Those iron ropes did not tie me down, so in reality, I could get up from this spot on the ground whenever I wanted to. Choosing to stay down like this was of my own volition.
That's right, all of this was a conscious action taken by me; it was my decision. Continuing to stare up at the lights in the sky, continuing to rest on this cold ground, and continuing to come up with every excuse I could think of; I…
...I really didn't want to get up...
***
*Eighteen minutes later*
This place, beyond the door, the air here was stale. It wasn't hard to breathe or anything, every breath just felt so empty. My apartment felt so empty.
Supposedly it was rather big compared to the normal, at least to my understanding. At the entrance, you were immediately greeted to a straight corridor leading into the main room. The walls were blindingly white and the floor had a wooden color.
The walls were decorated with pictures of places all over the world. Such as the Eiffel Tower, Sydney's opera house, a giant Buddha statue, and many more. Though, there was one picture that didn't try to act as an alternative - a group picture.
In it were five people, standing in a horizontal line to the backdrop of a cleanly white room. The people in this picture being myself, my dad, and three others. Two of those three were my stepbrother and step-sister. Finally, the last person in this picture, standing beside dad… was my stepmother.
I hurried straight past it all, entering the main room. Here a big window allowed me to look out over the city in all of its glory, or at least however glorious one considered a bunch of skyscrapers.
The living room was rectangular in form. With the big window being a large part of the outer horizontal wall. A TV was attached to the left vertical wall and a black sofa accompanied it.
A small kitchen could be found directly to my left. With a counter and a couple of kitchen cabinets is all that made it up.
There were three high chairs by the counter, creating a place to eat, though I always found myself dining on the sofa instead. I enjoyed watching stuff while eating, it made the whole process seem a lot more efficient to me.
I will be the first to admit that I don't really have a lot of variety in my meals. For breakfast, if I eat any, I have milk with some cornflakes, but more often than not I just skip it.
For lunch, I'll buy whatever I feel like eating. Sometimes it's a bigger meal and sometimes it's just a bag of chips.
I then end the day with whatever my freezer provides. Ingrid usually refills it every Monday. That's my routine.
It had been different a year ago when I first moved here. Ingrid would cook and we'd eat together. She had even tried to teach me how to do it myself. At first, just cracking an egg correctly proved a challenge. In fact, I remember one time when I had tried to do it by myself. Unfortunately, it ended with a long shower of regrets.
I also used to cut myself all of the time, Sadim would ask about the multiple patches on my fingers and I'd come up with some excuse.
Then there were the onions that would always make me tear up, so one day Ingrid brought a pair of swimming goggles. It did help, but she never stopped bringing it up afterward.
The food was better back then, but as the months passed this had slowly changed.
I still remember the phone call, I'd never seen Ingrid so upset before. She had yelled and argued for an entire hour.
That was six months ago since then we hadn't cooked together a single time. Actually, we barely shared dinners nowadays. Now I just ate.
Anyways, to my right, another corridor revealed itself. I continued, as if in a hurry to leave the kitchen behind.
There were three doors along the walls. One leading to the bathroom, another to the washroom, and the third to my room.
Firstly I entered the bathroom, wanting to inspect the wound on my forehead. To my relief, it didn't look all too bad. I cleaned it once again and then proceeded to my room.
I entered and put down the blue backpack that I had been carrying. Inside it was my cans, I took them out and removed their caps. After that, I cleaned them with a wet napkin, both the cans and the caps.
I then returned the cans to the backpack and put them in the corner of my room. The cleaner comes on Mondays and since today's Tuesday I didn't care much about where I put it. Although, lately I hadn't even bothered hiding the backpack. It almost seemed better to just leave it in the open and not risk any suspicion upon an eventual discovery. It wasn't like they would peek inside it anyways.
After that whole charade, I finally got in bed. The soft mattress did feel a lot nicer compared to the ground, but I found myself missing the starry sky. I suppose you can't have the cake and eat it… actually now that I think about it, isn't that a really stupid expression? Like, here I am, having purchased a cake with my own money; really looking forward to eating it. Then, for some stupid reason, I'm suddenly not allowed to?
"That's really stupid, isn't it?", I said, once again conversing with myself.
"Okay, I admit, the stars looked really nice before and I do miss them, but there's still a certain charm to this roof, isn't there? Like, someone's probably sleeping up there right now, thinking about stupid things like cakes or ghosts. They may even be regretting something they said or did earlier in the day. I mean, I don't know any of the people who live in this complex so I can only guess, but it's a neat thought. Of course, I sometimes see them, b-but..." I put my hands together, letting my fingers intertwine.
"You know, I don't know them... I only really know how they pronounce the words 'Hi', 'Hello' or 'Good day. Oh, and the fact that they're probably pretty well off. But even so, maybe some of them dislike me. I get that it sounds stupid, especially because of what I just said, but sometimes when they greet me I can't help but hear a kind of resentful tone in their voice. It's like they're mad that I didn't work to get here. As if I'm only a spoiled brat, riding on the coattails of his father. Although now that I think about it, I doubt they even know my dad, so I suppose I'm simply being paranoid"
When I talk to myself like this, I realize that it's because I want to forget. Forget that picture down the hallway, ignore the kitchen that brings me such mixed emotions. It may only be a momentary solution, but I know that if I stop, then all which awaits me is that familiar never-ending descent.
That's why I can't stop. I have to keep talking. I have to keep distracting myself at any cost. But even so, that light continues to blind my consciousness. No matter how hard I try, I cannot forget nor ignore it.
"Sooo, talking about people who dislike you, that girl..." I paused my rambling for a short second of thought. "What was her name? Actually, I'm pretty sure she never told me...anyways!", my hands were no longer connected, instead they were now flailing around in an unconscious mess as I spoke.
"Could I have handled the situation better? Yes. Did I lose myself a little? Yes. I admit to all of that, but, like - I can't be the only one at fault. Okay, revising the whole scenario, when did everything go wrong? I mean, there weren't really any problems at the beginning, so what was the spark? Was it when she asked why I was so mad? I thought it seemed rather obvious why, but maybe that wasn't the case?"
I scratched the back of my head, "No, that's not it. Well, that was probably the spark of everything, but it's not where it all began. Was it due to dad? I suppose that played a part in it all, although, I don't think his absence can be contributed as the main reason. The 'Voice' made me say some horrible stuff, but that wasn't until after the fire had begun. Maybe it was because she laughed at me, or just the fact that she laughed at all. Or maybe…"
I suddenly went silent; every second passing by in such a habitual way. I became entranced, staring upwards but not seeing the ceiling. It felt weird, I was literally staring straight at it, yet my eyes didn't register anything above.
All that had happened today suddenly bombarded me. I didn't know how to react so it felt like my only option was to once again fade away.
"I…", This pause had made it all seem so weird. Talking with yourself, hearing voices, and sweating in the cold of night… "Somethings wrong with you", I claimed. Hearing myself say those words felt oddly soothing. "You just want to blame it all on someone other than yourself. Dad, voices, her; who doesn't matter as long as it's not you", yeah, that's right. This boy, Grey, he's a horrible person.
It's not I, it's you. I'm fine watching, you can do the talking.
"So, what should you have said instead? Everything started off well, but when you got irritated about her laughter it all began spiraling downwards. No, actually, everything went wrong as soon as you decided to respond. That was the spark of everything, it all began when you decided to try. You should've just kept your mouth shut, she was pretty, wasn't she? If you had just kept your stupid thoughts to yourself then none of this would've happened. Just do it like me, watch. Only watch. Never try to act, because it always ends the same, doesn't it?"
My hands were once again connected, my fingers intertwined.
"The graffiti's enough, isn't it? That's all the freedom we need"
Those were his last words before delving into sleep.
***
I could feel someone shaking me, "Hey, don't go dozing off! It's only the second day!"
Yesterday, after finally falling asleep, the sun had risen. Just getting to school had taken all of my strength and now I was using the time remaining to charge up as much as I could. At least that's what I would've done, but apparently "someone" wasn't willing to cooperate!
"Don't worry, I'm only meditating", I said in as much of an awake-sounding way I could manage.
"Grey, I get that yesterday must've been tough, not having the light called Sadim; your closest friend around. But that's in the past because I'm here now, so there's no reason for you to act like an old man anymore", besides me in this boring box of a classroom, my friend Sadim sat.
"Is it really so wrong to act like an old man? I mean, when you think about it, aren't they the highest form of existence?", I rebounded
Then I turned my head around, looking at my friend with tired eyes. The reaction my words had brought him, wasn't any disgust or disappointment, instead, it seemed as if his soul had simply left his body. He stared at me with empty eyes and a gaping mouth.
"Am I wrong?", I said.
My friend stretched his arm towards me. It ended up on my shoulder and he spoke with a genuine sadness to his voice, "It's not too late…You're still young...don't give up..."
The irritation those words brought me woke me up. "But it's true, old people are living the dream! They don't have to work and get to play crocket all day!"
Sadim suddenly raised his head, "Apologies to all the old people in the world right now!!"
I once again rebounded, "Why should I apologize?! They're the privileged ones. Actually, all the old people in the world should apologize to me!"
My friend seemed more confused than anything after hearing that comment, "How… How does that make any sense, like, at all?!"
Before I could respond, a yell disturbed our conversation. "Good morning Grey and Sadim! I see that the two of you are very excited to start the new school year, but try to keep it down, okay?" It was our homeroom teacher Mr. Baldy (not actual name) who had interrupted our conversation.
His words seemed to be in a joking fashion, but to Sadim and I who he was staring straight at, his eyes told another story. If I were to translate what they were saying, it would be something like: "If the two of you don't shut up soon, both your asses are going on detention!!", that's why we did as they told us and silenced ourselves.
"It's nice to see you all again, I hope you enjoyed the break, but now it's back to reality. So the faster you adapt, the easier this will be for all of us", Mr. Baldy gave me a bunch of quick glances while speaking those words. I pretended not to notice.
"So, with that welcome out of the way, I want to introduce the new transfer student. You may come in."
"He calls that a welcome?", Sadim whispered to me.
"That's not really new, is it?", I whispered back.
"I guess… By the way, what's with that wound on your forehead?"
I was surprised that he had noticed, "Oh… well…" I drew blank, trying to come up with an excuse but failing miserably. That's why I did the only thing I knew how, I started screaming at myself internally. "Ahhh!! Stupid Grey, stupid Grey, stupid Grey!! Why didn't you prepare for something like this!? Did you really think people paid so little attention to you that they wouldn't notice!? S-T-U-P-I-D Grey!!"
Thankfully I had succeeded in not letting this inner conflict affect my expression. So on the outside, I looked as calm as ever, but inside, I was running a freaking marathon.
"Did you fall or something?" Sadim said, trying to get answers.
"N-no, I… I ran into a wall, that's what happened!", Well… that wasn't a good excuse at all!
"Wait, what!? You were running?!"
"Why is that the part you're surprised about!?"
Hey!! You two, I told you to keep quiet, didn't I?", Mr. Baldy yelled at us once again. "Show some respect for your new classmate!"
After that comment I found myself feeling incredibly guilty, "I-I'm sorry", that's all I said and I couldn't even find the courage to look up while I did it. Instead, my eyes kept themselves busy by inspecting the new student's shoes.
"So you do know how to apologize", That voice, I recognized it. My eyes slowly began ascending from the shoes which they had been inspecting so thoroughly. As they did, a familiar light greeted me. Then, I finally noticed. In front of me and my whole class, there she stood. The only person to have ever witnessed my graffiti.
"Hello there Mr. Criminal", she said. Giving me a playful wink.