"All you have to do is grab the handle, push it down, and enter. It's that easy!", standing in front of the door to the school roof, I tried as hard as I could to convince myself about continuing forward.
"Running away after getting all this way just seems like a waste, doesn't it?", the school day had ended about ten minutes ago, I had been standing here for five…
"She's waiting for you on the other side. The longer you take to decide, the more of her time you will waste", when the transfer student had appeared by our lunch table and summoned me, I had honestly felt relieved. It felt good to know that she hadn't simply chosen to ignore me, but as I stand before this door, I find myself wishing that she had.
She obviously wanted to talk about what happened yesterday, I mean, so did I. But was all she wanted to ask that we left it behind us, or was her intent something more malicious than that? Maybe she intended to blackmail me? If the school found out about my graffiti, then perhaps I would be expelled? I mean, I don't think that's the case since it doesn't have anything to do with the school, but if my "hobby" were to be discovered, the school finding out about it would be the least of my worries.
If dad found out, there were sure to be consequences. But even so, him learning about it was nothing compared to the horror of "her" discovering it. The mere thought sent shivers through my whole body. If that were to happen, I could say goodbye to my life at the apartment, and even worse, it would probably mean having to say goodbye to Ingrid.
I couldn't let that happen. This small taste of freedom which I had found here, I wasn't willing to let it go.
I was surprised. These strong feelings of wanting to stay, they surprised me. But I realized I couldn't spend another five minutes pondering them, so instead I made up my mind.
"Whatever this girl does, whether it be blackmail me, request that I never speak to her again, or demand an apology; I'll press forward!", was the conclusion I reached.
Then, with a newly discovered determination, I finally grabbed a hold of the door handle and pushed it down. Opening the door in a powerful, yet controlled manner.
The roof was now fully in my sight, allowing me to view it in its full mundanity. All the half-burned cigarettes and white dots of dried chewing gum any sane person would ever want to see lied before me, spreading across the piss brown roof.
It was kinda… Underwhelming. All of that worrying and all of these motivational monologues and this was the result? Well, it is what it is.
The roof was shaped like a rectangle, the surface entirely flat. There were metal railings surrounding the area, but they seemed to have been placed there more because it was mandatory, instead of serving any real functionality.
I continued scouring the area, which proved pretty easy because of the lack of elevation. That's when I discovered a horrible truth; I was the only one here.
That girl, she was nowhere to be seen. Having realized that, my mind began spiraling in all kinds of directions. Thoughts such as: "Had she tricked me?", "How could I have been so naive?", "Was this revenge?", filled my mind.
Just the fact that I had even come here seemed so stupid now. Why had I thought that she still cared to see me? Ah, it was so embarrassingly stupid!
"You sure got here early", this voice… Why did it always have to appear right behind me every single time!
I slowly turned around, trying to keep a deadpan expression; not wanting her to see how much she'd shocked me. "Well, times relative, so maybe you're the one who's late"
She gave a small smile, "You saying I'm late?"
"Well, no, I'm just saying that what you perceive as early I might perceive as normal. Therefore, in my perception, you're the one who's late", the words just kept on coming and I didn't even understand half of what I was saying.
The transfer student pressed her chin against her palm, seeping deep into thought. She fidgets a lot while thinking, looking like a kid who had just made some kind of revelation.
It honestly… looked kind of cute…
Then a gleam suddenly appeared in her eyes, and she looked directly into mine. Her's were blue. "I knew it! You're totally saying that I'm late!"
Was this really the same person who had seemed ready to punch me just yesterday!? "Maybe, but is discussing the concept of time really why you called me here?"
The transfer student froze up a bit, "Okay, you've got a point. I didn't come here to discuss all this theoretical crap. So, let me ask you, what do you think was the 'point' of me calling you here?", she reeled the conversation back in! It was a bit rough around the edges, but she did it!
"Eeeeh, you wanted to talk about last night?", it felt weird to just mention it like that. I had yelled at and insulted her, none of which I had yet apologized for. Yet here I was, bringing it up so damn casually.
"That's right! I… wanted to apologize for yesterday. I got riled up and screamed at you, letting my emotions take over like that, it was wrong of me. So I just wanted to apologize. I hope you'll forgive me", she wasn't looking at me while speaking those words, instead, her pupils moved around frantically in every direction that wasn't mine. She seemed… afraid. But not of me, no, the thing which appeared to scare her, it reminded me of what I myself had feared coming here. The fear of someone else discovering a secret you would've preferred stayed hidden.
That's why, this apology seemed more like a request; asking to leave all that had happened yesterday behind.
But none of her subtle body language or any of the lines between her words registered in my mind. Because the only thought I had was: "Why is she the one apologizing right now?"
"Anyways, that's all I wanted to say. Sorry about calling you up to the roof like this, there was no real reason for it. I wanted to be up here while talking, like in all the TV shows. I thought it would be pretty cool, but it was kind of underwhelming honestly…", she forced an awkward laugh.
"Oh, okay", was the only response I could think of. But now I suddenly realized that I had just missed the perfect chance to apologize. I should've done it after she did it, but the shock of it all had made me forget.
Well, it doesn't really matter, I can still do it. I can still apologize to-... To who? I suddenly realized something pathetic, I didn't know her name. She had introduced herself to everyone in class today, yet my egotistical self hadn't even remembered her name… "Fuck"
"What was that?", Fuck!!
"What was what?", there was only one way to handle this situation…
"Well, I thought you said something. You didn't?"
"No. Not a word"... Total naivety.
"Really? I was sure that I heard some kind of crude word being spoken, you sure?", She seemed awfully specific… I tried to gauge whether or not she was making fun of me, but her expression gave me nothing.
"I'm sure, I mean, I imagine I would know what comes out of my own mouth", then I gave my own variation of an awkward laugh.
"Oh, okay", her expression turned totally dead! There wasn't a single sign of life behind those eyes! It was as if she was telling me with every fiber of her being that she didn't see me as a fellow classmate or even human; just filth!
"Y-yeah, t-that's r-right!", I had to fight the tears back.
"I mean, of course, you wouldn't just begin babbling on without actually knowing what you were talking about, duh!", she raised both her hands in a shrug, "how stupid of me to even assume that", okay, now I knew for a fact that she was messing with me!
"Y-yeah, obviously…", yet I still had to play along, because otherwise, my act of naivety would've been for nothing.
"Anyways, with that out of the way, I'll be taking my leave", and just like that, she began heading away.
As I saw her back increasing its distance further and further from me, I couldn't help but observe it. Watch how and where it curved, see how every muscle moved; everything working together - holding it up. This was the perfect distance. Not too far away, yet not too close. This way I could view it perfectly, without having to squint my eyes in order to get a better look and without it being close enough that I might accidentally touch it.
I imagined that this was the last time I would talk to her. We might converse with each other due to some stupid group assignment, or maybe we would just bump into each other in the hallways and have five minutes to waste, but I imagined that this would be the last real conversation we would ever share.
And that feeling… kinda sucked. Not that I actually realized why I felt that way. I mean, all I had done was push my own thoughtless and cruel words onto her. I had used her to vent my anger, and I had shown her no empathy whatsoever.
Twenty-two. That was how many times I had thought about apologizing to her, yet I had turned none of those thoughts into reality. Instead, I had kept on waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, all for this "perfect opportunity". Then, as I had still been hesitating, she had apologized. Creating the opportunity herself.
I still couldn't comprehend why she had done it though. But I summarized it as yet another failure on my side because the truth is; I don't understand others.
That's why I didn't try to stop her as she reached for the handle on the door leading back to the school and away from me. Because someone such as her would never gain anything from someone like me. I had learned that, and it was a lesson I never wished to be taught again.
So, as expected, she grabbed the door handle with zero hesitation and… turned around!?
Her eyes met with mine so drastically that it seemed as if I was just imagining it at first, but as the seconds passed, I realized that those were really her opal blue eyes which I was staring straight into.
She seemed hesitant, but she still managed to speak, "Sorry, I forgot to mention it, but I'll see you tonight at the same spot", then she pulled the door open and vanished.
…
…
…
…
…
I take back all of those previous thoughts… This girl is clearly just crazy!!