How did I used to live? How did I used to survive, doing the same thing each day? The same torturous schedule over and over again. How was I happy, content, and over all ok, living such a life?
Each day was the same! School, swim, work, over and over again. Skate on weekends maybe, always alone. I lived on alone time. Skating alone was so perfect, music was my source of energy, and my friends drained the life out of me.
How did I do it? Why has everything changed? Why can't I be happy anymore? Why can't I stand being alone anymore? Why can't I focus anymore? Why do I need attention?
I wish that skating meant the same thing to me. I wish swim still meant the world to me. I sometimes wish that I never even met them at all. They make me ok. They make me fell special, loved, important. They make me feel, well, worth full.
I don't know why, but the fact that I have actually been shown real love now, means that I can't live without it. I can't stand being away from them. I need them. I need them so much, that my life seems pointless.
I can't stand being alone anymore, and it's terrible. I get so upset so fast, so easily. I can't handle the silence. I can't handle the cold. I can't handle not being near them.
Well, I guess I have friends now. Friends who care. Friends who will hug me, force me out of my comfort zone. Fuel me. Fix me. Love me, It's strange.
I like to be hugged, touched in any way. I like to hold hands, I never did before. Before I met them, or rather, got close with them, I couldn't handle physical contact. I feared it in fact. It was anxiety inducing, threatening, terrifying.
Why was it so terrifying to be touched? Was it because I wasn't hugged much as a child? I never found it a problem. Was it because I had trust issues? I could never know. I guess, I lost a lot of people without realizing.
I lived so far away from anyone who cared, who I loved and cherished. But now, they are at the tips of my fingers. One text sent, they are over in minutes. How, did I survive?
I'm so scared, that we are already falling apart. Each day that I'm denied contact, or even being in the vicinity of these people, I feel like I'm being gutted. I feel like they hate me! I know they don't, I know they worry, I know they care.
But do I really know? I suppose they tell me often. Why can't I trust them? Why can't I just let their words flow right into my mind like I let others do! I could let an insult prick me through the skull, but I can't let an assuring word even touch me?
Why would I let an "I hate you" cut through my soul, but an "I'll always be here" will be deflected? Whether I denied it verbally or not, I denied it either way. Because, I guess, they always leave.
I really do have such a hard time trusting comforting words. Because they always seem to be lies. I can trust hateful words so easily though, because I never receive truth that they are lies.
Insults, are so truthful. "Do you ever shut up?" That one cuts pretty deep I guess. I got so close to crying when he said that to me. I'm such a child. He was upset, and I had bothered him, he said he didn't mean it later on. but I'll keep quiet around them because of it, it's always been in the back of my mind whenever I make eye contact with him.
God. Eye contact. I have always been afraid of that. Why? Because my eyes always betray me. I can hide emotions, in words. From my mouth. But never from my eyes.
And he knows that. He can look at me, and immediately know that something is wrong. I am so scared to look at their eyes, while they look at mine. In fact, I don't look at eyes; because I fear that they will look back. I won't unsheathe the knife; because I fear that I will be cut.
I will walk, staring at the floor. I will look at my hands, I will stare at my knees, avert my eyes from a friends, a classmates, a teachers, a parents. Eyes betray me. They always have, and they always will.