I pace the small room nervously. Rambling about everything that could go wrong, "what if he leaves me at the alter or decides to cancel last minute?!" I bite back tears at the idea, making myself feel bilious, I composed myself and walked down the alter...Ma and Pa escorting me to him. He smiled and took my hands, Daniel...the love of my life, He smiled and kissed my cheeks "you look beautiful. Suddenly there's music...and I open my eyes, not seeing Daniel but the empty side of the bed he used to sleep in.
I let a groggy sigh out as I sit up. "Morning Baby..." I softly kiss the picture of him on the night stand and lay down. Daniel had died from chronic illness two years ago, I still can't get it out of my head....he's gone. "Please give me a reason to get out of bed god..." I plead to a force i've never believed in, not once. Daniel had been a christian, I however happened to be an athiest, who found my way into the arms of a righteous and loving man.
As I closed my eyes again, I heard the pitter patter of feet. 16 to be exact, "Papa" I hear my 5th child yell out as she leaps ontop of me. I squeal out of suprise and chuckle softly....ok god...this is a good reason "Hi Mari" I chuckle at her. As a sperm donor, I have exactly 8 biological children, all with different mothers. They stay with me a majority of the time while their parents take a break or handle work. Mari, much like me had a type of skin disease called "Vilitigo, or loss of skin color" though she only had a patch on her nose bridge.
My other 7 children soon join her on the bed. Mavis, the oldest 16, John the second oldest 14, Carter is 11, Jackson is 9. Mari is 7, Deshawn is 6, Misha is 4 and Greg is 3. Greg was in Mavis's arms giggling "papa! I sat up and took him in my arms rocking him softly, "whats up kiddos?" Carter lays under my arm and shrugs, "we just wanted to know if you'd make pancakes before we had to go home." I stood up and nodded carrying Greg with me, I hated seeing them leave so soon but it was normal for their visits to end fast.
After the kids were picked up I found myself alone with my own thoughts. The weather had picked up so all I could hear was the wind and pouring rain. I sat down and lit my fire place, sipping a cup of warmed wine I started reading. The silence was my only conpany, I found myself glancing out the window to my rose bed. How it's petals danced in the wind, it moved so gracefully...so beautiful.
I remeber when Daniel used to compare me to a rose. Layered, soft, beautiful....but I always had my own thornes. He used to leave roses for me when he went on long buisness trips, always dethorned and in a vase beside my bed. I stood up and hugged myself looking at the bush with a dull eyed look. I felt nothing but pure numbness as I observed it, so pretty...."I envy you..." I talked to it as if it was a person. I mean..it reminded me of everything that was precious to me, Daniel....why'd you leave me like this? Broken and alone, unable to glance at a rose, smell your cologne or see your sweater without lingering on you. Your sweet lips, how warm your hands felt on my cold skin. How your laugh always soothed me and how you made me feel beautiful...anytime I was with you...
As I went to walk away, something caught my eye. An urge to look to the left overwhelmed me as I looked outside and froze, a wilting rose being tossed in the wind. Before I knew what I was doing, I flew out the door to the rose picking it. I winced as thornes sliced through my finger tips, I cried softly, feeling for the first time in what seems to be forever. I carried it inside, soaked and cold....I sat it in my kitchen, took a shower and came back to it picking it up. "I'm just like you huh....even falling apart" I choked out "you're so beautiful...