I spend days watching the rose wilt. Each petal that falls is another memory, I remeber how me and Daniel met. It was my 8th grade year, when Mama took me to see the play "Hamilton". It was during the Laurens Interlude, I found myself sobbing onto a strangers shoulder. He simply giggled and ran his fingers through my hair, cooing to me as if I was a toddler. I cuddled him through the rest of the musical, the next day we discovered we attended the same school. He continued to ask me out till of course I said Yes, we continued to date. Got married my freshman year and moved in together soon after.
My first year of college, I started donating my sperm. Daniel was estatic and supported me in every single way he could. When Mavis was born, he took me to the hospital that mind you, was six states away, just to see her. He stayed up with me all night while Corey slept, just admiring Mavis and talking about kids of our own. Afterwards we flew back to Louisiana where the other 7 were born. Daniel treated each of them like his own, even said we were their parents which always made me melt. When Little Mari came into the picture, Daniel took her to heart "she is like you my rose" he would always tell me.
I remeber our first college party. Me and him had gotten very high, and ended up sharing intercourse in a bathtub. It was probally the most blissfull night of my life, So vivid..almost as if it was yesterday. He lead me to the bathroom and closed the door behind us automatically pinning me up to it. I stood shocked, my mouth gaped open from suprise, he chuckled before running a hand up my shirt and grabbing my nip. I gasped softly and bit my lip looking away, it drew alittle blood...he grabbed my chin and made me look at him using his other hand to feel around my chest. Soft moans emitted from my lips as he used his thumb to wipe the blood and kiss me. Soon one hand was in my hair and the other slipping down my waist band. I gasped softly into his mouth and gently went to pull away, he firmly tugged my hair so we were mere inches apart "did I say to move?" He growled in my ear before pushing me into the tub and throwing his shirt off, I stared admiringly at him. He climbed ontop of me and went under my shirt leaving a litney of dark hickey's and bite marks up and down my chest and stomach. I moaned out softly unable to keep quiet, pure pleasure....
That night had been the beginning of many moments me and him would share like that. We were married by the time I started college so it wasn't exactly weird on our part. After he finished his archeology degree he started travelling, I stayed behind to get my masters in law. He would come back and the first thing we did was well...have sex, I won't sugar coat it. When he left, i'd always wake up to a vase of roses that he dethorned for me from our very own garden. I'd always feel apart of him there as he would leave his sweaters for me that smelt heavily of his cologne.
When I used to smell his cologne my heart would race. Now when I do it makes my stomach twist up, It's so intoxicating it gives me a headache and it makes my heart feel weak. The day we discovered he was sick, he has just gotten back from a trip to Egypt. Not long after he was on bed rest...a werk after that he died holding my hand as we listened to our wedding song. "Last Dance With Mary Jane" I say softly to the half wilted rose sighing softly.
I sit up and wipe my tears from my cheeks sighing softly. I couldn't help but let new ones slip down my cheeks as I held the ring around my neck. Daniels memory no longer was something I found myself cherishing, but something that felt like it was holding me back. A weight on my shoulder, the noose around my neck. It leaves me hanging on the ticking arm of a clock leading to my inevibital death. And to think, I will spend my whole life grieving a man who was never around when I needed him.....
As I linger more and more. I have to ask myself this, "did you really love me Daniel..." I mean, he promised, but what does a promise mean? A silent contract you feel obligated to bind yourself to? Is...that what I was to Daniel....an obligated promise?