I walked down the street and some shit exploded for some reason and when the smoke cleared some big-ass motherfucker whirred at me menacingly so I shot the big ass red tank on his back with my laser crosbow and he blew up. After he died I did a victory kick-flip and ran to the nearest goon hideout, but I guess I went to fast and ended up dusting the entire building off the face off the earth, so I went to the one cross the street instead. Some pieces of vagrant trash were outside so I shot them and went the fuck inside the stupid ass building. There was some idiotic lookin' motherfucker at the other side of the room giving a presentation, the slide switched to a big fucking red screen that said, "there's some bitch over there" then they started tryna' shoot my ass so I did a 360-nosedive-coffin-fucker-supreme killing them all instantly except for the velociraptor. After the smoke cleared I walked up to the podium lookin'-ass podium and took the presenter guys laptop, bitch wasn't gonna' use it anytime soon anyways.
After attaining the lay a' the land through google maps I went to the local library and ate as many books as I could to attain knowledge. I learned that the president was Bigman McGomery, which is a stupid fucking name but whatever, apparently the piece of shit had like some layer of security through these like guards and shit, blah blah, I need to kill 10 of his stupid guards to get to him. My first fucking target was Lemphold Jeremy, He was a master of using-a-gun-to-shoot-things-dead which was like, some old ass martial art apparently, which explains why everybody sucks dick at aiming. Anyways he was located at the amphitheater which is apparently like some big ass fighting arena in the direct-ass fucking center of the city.
After locating my destination I needed to apparently murder the waves of enemies in the arena to fight Lemp, so I did a kick-flip to the amphitheater and made my way in. As I came in a big ass siren went off and a shit-load of goonies rushed in. I started poppin' them with my laser crossbow but there was like, a million billion fuckers so I quickly started unleashing kick-flips on em'. Each successful kick-flip unleashed a big ass shock-wave of pure sick energy. As I cleared the last of the shit-faces a big ass horn blared and Lemp came out to the arena in a big fucking mech. It was all bedazzled and shit, I quickly tried to do a kick-flip, but had to jump away when the mech ass mech shot a gigantic fucking laser beam at me, it hit and destroyed my board, as panic set in the mech nearly crushed me and I quickly rolled away. As I ran from the mech I heard a deep clicking noise and quickly clicked back requesting help. Soon a giant fucking T-rex burst into the arena as I smiled on. The Tyrannosaurus fucking drop-kicked the mech through a wall before giving me a sly wink. I shed a tear as I watched my new Dino-compatriot duel a giant fucking robot.
As the battle neared a close, my new friend clicked at me, "Yo fam you need a new board?" I quickly responded, "Yeah bro my board got fucking atomized." He quickly ani-morphed into a hover-board with sick ass dinosaur patterns and shit, it was sick as fuck but I made sure to ask if my new homeboy was aight with me stepping on him. He quickly clicked back, "Nah fam it's fine." So with the stupid piece of shit Lemp dead and a new comrade aquired I set the fuck off to my next target: Hongle Dingus, the literal pure energy being.
The books snaking their fucking way through my GI tract told me that Dingus was in the local shopping district trying to buy some tacos, which is funny because he's made of energy and can't really eat, but anyways I tried out my new sick ass T-rex hover-board and as expected it was fast as hell. As I accelerated to ludicrously fast fucking speeds I reached my destination and crashed into a pile of filth and decay. I quickly poked out of the pile and scanned the area for the piece of shit. After locating him I shot at him with a crossbow shot, it missed and hit a store clerk instead but he luckily didn't even notice, I took 7 more shots at the motherfucker before I hit, or would've hit had he not been like, fucking ethereal and shit. I took T-board and jumped down to the district and said, "activate drop-kicking mode." T-board quickly accelerated himself and launched me at around an absolute fuck ton of mph. I drop kicked the asshole into a wall, but he simple floated back to his neutral position. He suddenly threw a fucking haymaker which I barely managed to deflect, then he through a straight jab which T-board blocked. I quickly took the opportunity to tackle the shit-whore to the ground, throttling him to death.
After he definitely died and was definitely dead I started walking to T-board, but the motherfucker wasn't dead and he started choking me out. But luckily T-board ani-morphed back into a fucking T-rex and ate the fucker, which gave him a power boost cause of the whole pure energy being thing. I stood up and sighed, the next target, James "James" Jameson was like, across the entire fucking city, so I asked T-bro if he wanted to eat some shit, he of course replied yes and we started out our date, we went to eat some vagrants, we played cards, we went window shopping and we ended of the night in a cheap ass hotel.
"Aaaaaah, T-bro, you're my best friend bro."
"Thanks bro, you to bro."
We went the fuck to sleep and dreamed peacefully, which is kind of fucked because we were like super wanted but whatever.