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Chapter 18 - Hidden truth

i cannot smile anymore . I am done .

i try to hide behind a perfectly created illusion

and make the world see that i am ok .

i laugh when all i want to do is scream out my pain and let all of my emotions flow through me.

i keep it in and say nothing when im hurting or being seen as weak . It is not ok for me to not be ok .

so i must lie . I must lie to those around me .

i surrounded myself with people who don't even know what colour i like or even know how to spell my name right

those few friends whom knew everything

about me from a to z , have now left and became some body else's source of comfort

how can i express what i am feeling

when the people around me make it impossible to feel anything else besides pain and anger

my life is suppose to be perfect

i have everything , yet have nothing

i cannot even talk to anyone

about these emotions hold me captive

i have a perfect home

but am consistently remined that i don't belong

i watch with my own eyes as the people in this "family" of mine betray each other

always wanting to fight

always making my life hell

always , always so bitter

but to the outside world

a perfect gentleman

helping those in need with something that someone else has given in their name

to the poor but no it was all this gentleman's

doing

i am tired of not wanting to come home

i am tired of watching other people smile

without having to force it onto their faces

i am tired of worrying what did i do to deserve this mental and emotional abuse

that is becoming more and more unbearable

with each passing day that goes by

tell me please what did we do

to deserve such great treatment from somebody who is seen as a perfect husband , father and grandfather

it is not her fault either that you go out and gamble your life away and expect us to treat you the way you see fit

i am done , i am done

my emotions are a mess

my head is not in the right set of mind

i cannot sleep at night because i am thinking of tomorrow

a tomorrow where everything will be fine

just for a moment

so that we can be in peace

~A.