Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was abuzz for Halloween. It was a big day for them and a day of significance. This was the ten year anniversary of the fall of Lord He-Who-Must-Be-Hyphenated and the loss of Harry Potter.
'Ah Hogwarts,' Deadpool thought. 'Halloween is happening and I'm all excited...I wonder what these magic type people think about the Non-Magical world's depiction of witches as ugly green people with warts on their nose….not too many of those here.'
As if on cue, a group of seventh-year Slytherins stepped their way down the corridor. Deadpool whistled at them which got them to glare at him like they wanted to use him as a test dummy to practice their charm work, the really nasty charm work.
'That kind of was inappropriate,' a voice in Deadpool's head thought.
'What?' Deadpool asked. 'They'll legal.'
The legal seventh year Slytherins made their way into the dungeons. Deadpool turned around the corner and ran almost headlong into a grumpier than usual Argus Filch. Filch gritted his teeth when coming around the corner. The surliness coming from the man took Deadpool completely aback.
"Okay, what's wrong now?" Deadpool asked.
"What's wrong?" Filch asked. "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You're asking me what's wrong when Halloween is coming around the corner. All of these little hooligans making a great deal of mess and causing my work to expand by about three times."
"It's a good thing you have an assistant to help pick up the slack."
Those words were the wrong thing to say. Filch gave Deadpool a long glaring look. "Well, your war with that poltergeist has caused my work to increase about five or six more times."
"You really put a lot of thought into this, don't you?" Deadpool asked.
"I'll be cleaning up for days after the feast," Filch said. "And if you do something useful, keep an eye out for those two twin demons. I think they're planning something. As if Potter, Black, and that entire crew were not enough, those two were spawned from the pits of hell."
"Actually, I believe they were spawned by the loins of Molly Weasley," Deadpool said.
"Same difference!" Filch snapped. "Be on the lookout for them. Because they're going to try something. And I'm going to put a stop to them."
Deadpool heard this same spiel numerous times that he could have just as easily set his watch out. He just gave Filch a nice little salute to make sure the Caretaker knew Deadpool was on his side. He would keep a look out of those two twins to see what Halloween fun they got up to.
'This is going to be delightful,' Deadpool thought to himself. 'And by delightful I mean really insane. Let's see what we have to do now.'
He saw the enemy of any janitor. A particularly nasty stain on the wall practically taunted him. Deadpool frowned, he would see about that getting the better of him. It was time to step forward and head straight into battle.
'Okay you smudge, you're mine,' Deadpool said.
He took out the cleaner and prepared to go to work on the wall. Only, Deadpool stopped the second someone kept creeping around the corner. The last time someone crept around, it was Albus Dumbledore and his obscenely large collection of Chocolate Frog cards.
No, it was not Dumbledore. The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher crept around the corner. He muttered underneath his breath about something. Not exactly the most insane in the world. Deadpool muttered underneath his breath all of the time and he was perfectly sane.
Okay, most of the time. Regardless, Deadpool found his curiosity grow piqued when the gentleman passed him on his way down the hallway. He would have to take a closer look to see where Quirrell was going. The Mercenary tracked Quirrell and found out he was heading his way up to the mysterious and forbidden corridor.
"Hey, you can't go in there!" Deadpool yelled.
The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher jumped with a start. Deadpool slipped on the ground and his bucket of soapy water shot from his hand. The bucket smacked Quirrell in the back of his head and soaked his turban and robes. The Mercenary stepped over and grabbed roughly onto the back of turban, grinding the sponge against the back of it try and dry it off.
"Don't you know there's a monster of a dog in there?" Deadpool asked him.
Quirrell took a deep breath and shook at him. "Y-y-yes, thank you, I must have taken a wrong turn. It's a mistake that won't happen again….I swear it won't happen a-a-a-gain."
The nervous man walked off, and Dumbledore wondered why a Muggle Studies teacher would ever decide to transfer to Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. That was just one of the mysteries of magic which Deadpool found himself scratching his head about.
An anguished cry came out and one of the first year students rushed out of the Charms Classroom. The bushy-haired witch almost knocked Deadpool into the wall. The Mercenary prevented himself from landing.
"Hey, slow down!" Deadpool yelled. "You can't be running into staff members like that."
The first-year girl stopped and shook. She looked to be on the verge of breaking out into tears for some reason. "S-s-sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going. He just…he just makes me so mad."
"Who?" Deadpool asked.
"Ronald Weasley," she practically fumed.
"Oh, yeah, tell me about it…well to be fair, he could either grow out of it or get worse," Deadpool said. "Because there's normally how these type of things work."
"I was just trying to help him," the witch said.
"Well, were you being bossy about it?" Deadpool asked.
"You know it's rude to call women bossy," she said putting her hands on her hips and speaking in a very bossy woman. "It implies that females cannot be assertive and have a voice."
Speaking of people who could either grow out of it or get worse at age, Deadpool was looking at once. He saw a flash of light, as one of the robed figures slapped him with a citation.
"So wait, thinking is illegal now!" Deadpool yelled.
"Negativity is not permitted," the robed figure said. "You must treat everyone with respect. No one should be criticized…."
"Yeah, because criticizing someone could be triggering and violate the safe space of special snowflakes," Deadpool said.
The witch looked with widening eyes, just wondering what the hell was going on. She wondered if it was better off not to know.
"So, what were we talking about?" Deadpool asked.
"We were talking about how Ronald Weasley was rude and has the manners of a garbage disposal," the bushy haired witch responded.
She stopped mid rant when the robed figure slapped her with a citation regarding the bashing of the character of Ron Weasley. Another robed figure appeared next to the first figure and slapped him with a citation.
"What….you…."
"HA!" Deadpool yelled. "By doing your job and issuing Hermione Granger a citation, you broke one of the sacred rules of the Harry Potter groupthink. Hermione is always right and any criticism laid against her is considered bashing. Suck on that!"
"Would someone explain to me what's going on?" she asked. "You can't apparate or disapparate inside of Hogwarts…it says so in Hogwarts a History…this is…this is completely illogical."
Hermione Granger's head exploded in a fiery inferno and shower the room with brain matter. Deadpool's mouth opened and closed it a couple of times. He looked on in absolute shock.
"We just…we just blew her head up," Deadpool said. "Wait, does that mean she's a robot? Or some kind of magical AI that is powered by the magic of the Hogwarts Library?"
A ball of paper shot out of the sky and slapped Deadpool on the top of the head. The Mercenary staggered back a few inches. He picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it.
Stop spoiling future story ideas.
Sincerely,
Megamatt09.
Deadpool shrugged and crumpled up the ball of people. He turned around and saw a Hermione who had her head completely attached to her shoulders.
"So, we're just going to not acknowledge what just happened?" Deadpool asked. "Is it just me?"
"What just happened?" Hermione asked.
"Your head just blew off of your shoulders and your brain matter was right all over the wall just a minute ago," Deadpool said. "Didn't you?"
Hermione responded with a shrug as if to say she did not know what Deadpool was talking about. Deadpool held up a bottle of magical cleaner and started to read the label.
"What's in this stuff?" Deadpool asked. "So, why did Ron make you so upset?"
"Well, we were doing the Wingardium Leviosa charm in Charms…."
"Ah the good old swish and flick," Deadpool said. "Also a decent -enough masturbation technique."
The Wiki-Witch gave Deadpool a glare which Deadpool rated about a five or a six on the Batman death glare-o-meter.
'Wait, we're Marvel, can we be casually mentioning DC like that?' one of the voices asked.
'This is a Megamatt09 story, so you know Kara will show up eventually,' another voice chimed in.
Another ball of paper shot out of the mysterious vortex in the sky and nailed Deadpool on the top of his head. He unfolded the piece of paper and read the words on it.
Knock off the spoilers.
Sincerely,
Megamatt09.
"How is that a spoiler?" Deadpool wondered.
Hermione folded her arms and Deadpool motioned for her to go on. She relaxed for a second and went into the speech.
"I was paired with Ronald Weasley in class, and he was just not doing it right…he was pronouncing it wrong, he was not saying his "gars" nice and long, he was doing them a bit snappy, but that was not the point, the point is, I performed the charm on the first try, and Professor Flitwick gave me five points to Gryffindor, and Ron was all salty, and he was making fun of me, and he triggered me, because he said some of the things my fa…some people I know said about me, and said that it's no wonder I have no friends at this school."
Deadpool found himself mildly impressed that she was able to say all of that without taking a breath.
"So, you don't have any friends?" Deadpool asked. "That's what he said?"
"Pretty much," she said.
"Look, I know you can rub some people the wrong way, but you can't worry about being popular," Deadpool said. "You have to do what makes you happy."
"But...I really do want friends," she said. "It's just, I want to do well in school as well."
"Trust me, Ron's not the kind of friend you want," Deadpool said. "Granted, he could grow out of it, or be on his mother's couch for the rest of his life at the rate he's going. Or he'll be playing Professional Quidditch in one of the worst performing teams in the League."
The Chudley Cannons really were never the same after that farmer wasn't allowed to bring his goat on the field. Or maybe Deadpool was confusing them for someone else.
"You're young, you got plenty of time to figure out who you want to be," Deadpool said. "Don't worry about what people like Ronald Weasley say. He's just…he's got his own issues. Five older brothers who already have done everything, well, that's going to cause some issues for him. Can't believe he hooked up with Harry Potter. Can you?"
"Yeah, Harry seems…well he seems nice," she responded with a shrug.
"Ron can be, but he has a lot of flaws that you're going to have to overlook and I don't think I can do that," Deadpool said. "Just….be what you want to be. If you want friends, there might be people in this school who have more common with you than you think. Just….try and be a little more tactful next time. As much as Ron hurt your feelings, you might have hurt his. He has a bit of an inferiority complex."
Hermione nodded in understanding. He did have a point. She could come off a little strong at times, and yes, as much as the feminist inside of her protested, a little bossy.
"Guess I've just got some things to think about," she said. "Thanks, sir, you might be a little strange…but you're alright….guess I've got some things to figure out."
She shook her head, having just said that.
"I'll go back to my dormitory," Hermione said.
"To do some homework?" Deadpool asked.
"Maybe later."
She walked off. Deadpool returned to get that stubborn stain done. He heard a loud growling from the distance.
"Well, I really hope someone didn't forget to feed Fluffy," Deadpool said.
The loud scream of Snape could be heard, and Snape pushed his way through the door. He dragged his leg behind him, with blood dripping down onto the floor.
'Looks like Snape offered Fluffy a piece of his leg,' one of the voices said.
'I doubt he offered.'
Deadpool stopped and grew completely serious to see Snape dragging his leg across the ground. He almost collapsed twice until Deadpool tried to help him up.
"For the love of Stan, what happened?" Deadpool asked.
Snape shoved Deadpool away, not wanting to be touched. He did not want germs all over him, and this was the last person he wanted to touch him.
"That…dog bit me," Snape growled. "Had to check something….ran into trouble."
"What would you have to check?" Deadpool asked. "You don't look so good. You look like you're in pain."
"Yes, because when a dog mauls the back of your leg, you're going to be jumping around for joy," Snape said through gritted teeth.
"TROLL!"
Deadpool blinked at the sound of something. Snape reached for his wand and did some rudimentary healing magic. Unfortunately, the gashes in the back of his leg only closed properly.
"Should you really be doing magical surgery on yourself? Deadpool asked. "That's….oh god that's a troll."
The troll roamed one floor. It was ugly, gruesome, with snot dripping from his nose. It reminded Deadpool of his ninth grade history teacher. The troll shopped at the same store as the Incredible Hulk, with the same pants and all, at least by the looks of things.
"Hey, come on!" Deadpool yelled. "I just mopped that."
Deadpool dropped down off of the banister. He pulled out a mop from behind him and prepared to do battle with his enemy.
"Back!" Deadpool yelled. "Back, trust me you don't want to know where this has been."
Deadpool twirled the mop like a baton and pointed towards the charging troll. The troll raised his club and howled before smashing the club.
"She could be up here!"
The troll spun around and nailed Ron Weasley in the face to drop him down onto the ground. His nose broke and blood splattered upwards. Harry Potter stood, seeing his fellow first-year fall to the floor behind him.
"Sorry boys, Hermione isn't up here," Deadpool said. "I stopped her from heading off to the bathroom for a good cry but….."
Deadpool received a club to a face. His skull caved in for a moment and caused a resounding ringing feeling to split through his skull.
Harry Potter's eyes widened and he took one look at the troll when it walked over towards him. The troll's eyes widened and he raised the club.
Deadpool's injuries healed and he jumped at the troll. First team up with Harry Potter, and likely not the last. The troll lifted up Deadpool and slammed him into the wall repeatedly, which caused smudges to splatter on the wall from Deadpool's bloodied body.
The troll finally let up and allowed Deadpool's deflated carcass to drop down onto the ground. He turned his attention towards Harry Potter. Harry raised his wand and took a deep breath.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Harry shouted.
He intended to lift the troll's club out of his hand. Harry did not expect to lift the entire troll, club and all into the air. The creature rose up in surprise before Harry let go of him.
The troll fell to the ground and landed onto the stone floor with a thud. The whiplash caused the troll to snap back and drop down to the ground.
Directly, after the danger was over, Harry Potter dropped down to the ground, breathing. Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Quirrell made their way over. They came across a very injured Ron Weasley on the floor.
"Hospital wing," Dumbledore said.
The Headmaster found himself glad to have invested in a good pair of earplugs for the howlers. Snape joined them, hobbling on one leg. He watched when Ron Weasley and his smashed in face were taken to the Hospital Wing.
"That's the troll," Snape groaned. "Someone got a troll into Hogwarts."
"H-h-how can it b-b-be," Quirrell said.
"Well, you're the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Snape dryly responded. "And what were you thinking Potter?"
Harry noticed the funny way Snape walked. He looked him straight in the eye.
'It's a trap!' Deadpool shouted in his head.
"I was…well….."
"They were going after Ms. Granger after Mr. Weasley drove her away, and they thought…they thought she was upstairs in the bathroom crying," Deadpool managed. "Oh, it hurts to breathe?"
"So, that happened?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes, and I'm in pain," Deadpool said. "Just because I heal easily doesn't stop having your heart and lungs being splintered with your ribs hurt like hell!"
Deadpool collapsed down on the ground.
"Yes, Ron….well Hermione can be a bit…."
"She can come on a bit strong, I believe," Dumbledore said.
"Yes, "Harry said. "Still, she might be…well, nothing gave Ron the right to be so mean."
"Yes, I believe his mother will not be pleased to hear of his conduct, but not as much as his injuries," Dumbledore said. "But, I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will be able to restore his teeth, nose, and orbital sockets to optimal health."
Dumbledore stopped and looked at the troll on the ground. Most certainly dead and almost a pity, but Harry only defended himself.
"Oh, and twenty points to Gryffindor," Dumbledore said. "Although, I do caution you against using that spell on actual human beings until you've worked on your control."
He let Harry head off to bed without another word.
The doors opened and Argus Filch stepped through the doors. He looked down at the broken form of Deadpool, the injury of Snape, and the dead troll on the ground. He was very disinterested by that. What caught his eye was the mess, the blood, the dirt, the shattered glass, and porcelain on the ground.
"NOOOOOO!" Filch yelled.
Deadpool would have shaken his head if he could move. He would just wait until the injuries healed to get back and back to his usual Deadpool self.