Mrs. Norris roamed the halls of Hogwarts in the days following Christmas. That weird man, Filch, who adopted her, went off the deep end yet again. Christmas triggered him due to it being a very painful reminder of his traumatic childhood. It was only the eighth or the ninth time during his time at Hogwarts where he attempted to steal the holiday season.
He would be back, Filch would always be back. Norris allowed herself to roam the halls because of an old nuisance she hoped to find. The ginger kids had a rat which smelled familiar. It had the smell of someone who tormented her all those years ago at Hogwarts. Norris crouched down on the ground and the cat gave a meow as she sniffed the creature out.
Vengeance would be hers, on dish best served cold, and that dish would be quite delicious. The cat prowled around Hogwarts to search for this rodent. She gave a hiss when seeing it scurry across the ground. The worn ear, the missing toe, there was something strange about this rodent.
'Finally,' the cat thought in glee.
Norris stalked the creature and moved closer towards him. She crept on the floor and prepared to pounce on the ground. So close to grabbing the creature, but yet some far was a pair of hands caught her before she pounced.
"There you are, I've been looking for you."
That weird masked man who that weird Filch man hired grabbed her. Norris hissed in anger and tried to scratch away at the man who held her. The man, this Deadpool as he was known, held Norris in tight.
"I'm afraid Argus is not well."
Norris resisted the compulsion to roll her eyes. That mad had not been considered well in quite some time. In fact, this man holding her was not well. Beard man was not well as well, he was the least well of them all.
'Stupid humans. One day, you'll be doomed.'
Her mind drifted to a moment in time before being Mrs. Norris. She was actually a witch, a witch who had been popular but might not have been the most beautiful person in the world. Still, she had been well known and very rich. There were those who were very jealous of her success and turned on her.
That one who turned on her, Norris hissed at thinking about her. Life might have been easier being turned into a cat, except when the humans did not want to leave her alone. She hated when all of these humans wanted to pick her up and pet her. She hated them even more than the ones who kicked her just to get back at Filch. Although those were bastards as well.
"It's going to be okay, Mrs. Norris. Argus will be back soon. Why don't we get you some place safe so you stop roaming around Hogwarts? No one likes a loose pussy."
Norris's mind returned back to her days as a stupid human woman. Those days, she had been gullible and less cunning, but still, what happened to her was done out of jealousy. No one bothered to look for her, taking the word of the bitch who transfigured her into a cat that she just up and left with a note. The Ministry did not question the note. They forgot about her.
"There you go. Have some nice dinner. It's on me."
Norris looked at the bowl of food placed down onto the ground and pulled a nasty face. She hated this particular brand of food. It turned her stomach.
"Come on, Norris," Deadpool said. "I know that you miss Argus."
The cat hissed angrily and almost overturned the bowl.
Deadpool never saw a cat this disagreeable. He figured there was something else happening. He looked over to notice the rat who Norris went after.
'Hey, that's the rat that was with the ginger kid who hung out with Harry Potter for a couple of months before a troll waffled him in the face,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head thought excitedly.
'Thanks for the exposition,' Deadpool thought.
"Hey, did that Weasley boy leave you behind?"
The rat looked up and backed off. Deadpool grabbed the rat by the tail and pulled him off of the ground. A nervous squeak came from the rat who looked very nervous.
"Kids these days," Deadpool said. "No responsibility for pets."
The rodent looked terrified. He never thought Ron Weasley would be ignorant enough to leave him behind.
To be honest, the rat liked Percy a lot better than Ron, because at least Percy actually paid attention to him and did not complain about him. He enjoyed sleeping in Percy's bed and how warm he felt when snuggling against his cheek. He could have chosen a better name than Scabbers, but that was just a mild problem.
"Okay, I think that there might be some kind of lost and found for pets around here," Deadpool said. "Maybe, I should take you to the Headmaster."
The rat tried to get away. Dumbledore might have figured things out if he saw him up close. The jig, as the Muggles said, would be up. The rat almost bolted, with Deadpool grabbing him by the tail.
"You've got a lot of fight in you, don't you?" Deadpool asked. "You haven't been neutered have you? The last thing we need is you taking up with some girl rat and having to pay rat alimony or something."
The rodent shook its head wondering what the hell this man's problem was. He had been fixed. As if Percy Weasley would have allowed him to run around without being properly fixed. And most certainly that shrill harpy who Percy's mother would not have let something like that happen. She most certainly would not have been irresponsible enough to allow something like that to happen.
"I'll take good care of you until I figure out something," Deadpool said. "Maybe I should go to Snape. He might have something to calm you down."
Snape was even worse than Dumbledore. The rodent recalled Snape and knew how much that foul greasy bastard and his little gang of junior Death Eaters used to bully him at Hogwarts.
Mrs. Norris observed her chance of revenge leave. She put her paw on the wall and scratched it. Her stomach rumbled and she needed something to eat. It was time to start begging the Hufflepuffs for table scraps. They were gullible enough to fall for the poor worn out pussy act.
Still, she would get her revenge on that awful Dolores Umbridge for turning her into a cat. Even though her life had gotten much better, revenge would be had on the general principle of the matter.
Not much of note happened over the last few weeks at Hogwarts. There had been some Quidditch match between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor coming up, and there were rumors that Snape wanted to be the referee which got everyone up in a stir.
'I'm sure Snape will call things right down the middle,' Deadpool thought. 'I mean, if Ravenclaw wins than Slytherin has a better chance. But still, fair game and all.'
One of the most surprising sights ever was Hagrid creeping out of the library. Hagrid and library did not go together instantly. And he held a large black book behind his back.
'Hmm.'
Deadpool held Scabbers the rat against his chest for a second. The rat had been his constant companion because Deadpool had not gotten around to see either Dumbledore or Snape about him just yet. The day would come, Deadpool thought.
"Hey, Scabby, I think we've got another mystery on our hands."
The rat squeaked a couple of times, sounding rather frightened.
"I wonder what Hagrid is hatching in his hut."
Full panic mode came into the rat. Deadpool pulled out a cracker dipped in cheese, and tried to feed it to Scabbers.
"Maybe you'd like the peanut butter ones better."
Scabbers would have to agree that the peanut butter ones were even better. He looked at Deadpool, pacified for a brief moment.
"I think you can agree that Hagrid hatching anything might not be that good."
The rat would have to say that it went without saying. Regardless, he was being dragged on this insane adventure by Deadpool. The Mercenary stopped short and noticed Harry Potter making his way out, and he was talking to both Daphne Greengrass and Susan Bones.
"If he's after a dragon, that's not good," Susan murmured underneath his breath. "I'm not going to be the one to turn him in."
"No, I won't either," Daphne said. "But, he's absolute rubbish at keeping a secret. You know that. I know that. Everyone knows it."
Deadpool had a feeling these three would be on the hunt to see what Hagrid was up to. The words dragon caused Deadpool a certain amount of dread. The last time he encountered a dragon, it ended poorly for him.
'I know I shouldn't do it. I know there's no way I should do it. But, I can't help myself.'
The Mercenary moved closer. After all, he was a responsible adult, legally speaking. And he would have to make sure those children did not get themselves into too much trouble.
Outside of the hut, Deadpool moved around. He held Scabbers close who tried to keep getting away in the night.
"I swear, you must be the only rat in the world with ADHD," Deadpool said. "It's going to be fine. It's just some….potential dragon that Hagrid's hatching. I mean, how big can a dragon get?"
Deadpool realized something.
"Oh, Hagrid," Deadpool said. "You live in a wooden hut."
"It's a restricted item," Susan said. "And it's bound to attract attention. And I'm not sure if you could afford the fine. How did you even get it?"
"I won it," Hagrid said.
"You won it?" Daphne asked.
"Yeah, in a game of cards," Hagrid said. "The guy wasn't very good. He kept revealing his hand, and it was easy to win. I thought he was taking me for a minute, but he raised the stakes."
"Well, the guy could be having a laugh, I suppose," Harry said. "I mean, what's the chances of this being an actual dragon egg?"
"Pretty high," Daphne said. "If this is a forgery than it's a good one. It's a pretty good one. I don't even think that anyone could make a forgery this good."
She paused and moved to the door. She swung it open and held her wand out. The paranoid nature of the Slytherin came on through. She only relaxed slightly.
"It's that weird temporary caretaker."
"Hey, it's the Acting Weird Caretaker of Magical Sanitation and Maintenance."
Hagrid looked up suddenly and relaxed when he realized it was only Wade Wilson. Had it been someone else, or one of the other students, he would have been terrified.
"Hey, Wade, come in, have a pint."
Harry put his hand on his head. Those two drinking could not be anything for trouble.
"I've got something to ask you, I can't stay wrong," Deadpool said. "Is that an actual dragon? As in a dragon? A real actual dragon that is real?"
"Yeah, it's going to be beautiful," Hagrid said.
"I really hope I don't have to tell you and the dragon to get a room for when it hatches….and YOU'RE HATCHING A DRAGON!"
Deadpool reached over and slapped Hagrid in the face. Every single bone in his arm shattered after hitting him in the face. Hagrid looked concerned with Deadpool holding his arm.
"Are you okay?" Hagrid asked.
"Yeah, it will heal," Deadpool said. "Eventually…but seriously man…A DRAGON?"
"I've been reading about it, and I think I can take care of it," Hagrid said.
"Oh, yeah, a dragon," Deadpool said. "You know, there could be a problem if you try and raise a dragon in a wooden hut. And keep it a secret in a school full of nosy children."
The brow of Hagrid crinkled up. His hands pushed on the top of his head as he looked at him in confusion.
"It's abusive to the poor creature to keep him cooped up in here," Deadpool said. "Dragons need wide open spaces. They need to roam free. They need to be free. A hut is no place for a dragon to grow up."
Hagrid extended his hand. He did not think about that. He never wanted to harm a magical creature.
"And did you ever think of how the person had the dragon egg? He could have been a poacher. A poor mother could have been killed to get that dragon egg."
"That's…that's awful," Hagrid said sounding horrified.
"Yes," Deadpool said. "How long is it before the egg hatches?"
Hagrid scratched the head and thought about it. It took his mind a little bit to work before nodding.
"It's going to be any day now," Hagrid said. "What am I supposed to do? It will kill him before he's even born, and I can't get that."
"How do you know it's a he?" Deadpool asked.
"Well, no one knows for a few years," Hagrid said. "The female is the far more vicious of the species. They can really rip you up and be rough, especially when you threaten their eggs."
Misty eyes showed that Hagrid felt some regret. Daphne, Susan, and Harry set back.
"Kids, you should go," Deadpool said. "Let us take care of this. I would say you should get back to the school before Filch sees you but….."
Deadpool trailed off for a second.
"I'm technically Filch," Deadpool said. "So….don't let me catch you out after hours again, or I'll have you scrubbing toilets with Snape's toothbrush."
"Right," Harry said. "I guess we better get back."
Susan and Daphne nodded, but they saw someone looking in the window. And Deadpool saw him as well and bolted out of the door in an instant.
"Hey, buddy!"
Deadpool knocked Draco Malfoy down on the ground. Malfoy struggled against the grip of the Merc with the Mouth.
"I need to tell…..Snape…dragon!" Malfoy yelled. "Let me go you stupid Mudblood!"
"Hey, that's racist," Deadpool said. "And inaccurate as well. Eleven billion points from Slytherin!"
The blonde ponce underneath Deadpool's grip went completely red in the face.
"You can't do that!" Malfoy yelled.
"Maybe, I don't know, I never tried," Deadpool said. "And guess what. For contradicting me, you get to spend the next week as my toilet buddy. Detention!"
"Can't I just write lines?" Malfoy asked.
"No, good old toilet scrubbing will learn you some respect," Deadpool said.
"My name is Draco Malfoy, and you can't make me scrub toilets!" Malfoy howled. "Just wait until my father hears about this!"
Harry, Susan, and Daphne exited the hut. Hagrid watched the spectacle with widened eyes and a smile twitching underneath his beard. It did the old heart good to see a Malfoy get knocked down a peg.
"Oh, and for your information, you're not just scrubbing toilets," Deadpool said. "I'm sure I can find some other disgusting tasks for you to perform."
Malfoy sputtered in anger. His best robes were covered in dirt and now he was expected to scrub toilets like a glorified house elf. To make things worth, Deadpool dragged Malfoy into the school by the ear.
"Let go of me!" Malfoy yelled. "You just wait. I'll get you fired. You won't be fit to work in Knockturn Alley!"
"Hey, I'll have you know all of the best magic whorehouses are in Knockturn Alley."
Confusion spread over Malfoy's face. Deadpool answered with a sigh, even though he did not relinquish his grip on Malfoy's ear.
"Ah, that will make more sense in a couple years."