Privet Drive was your standard community of people who hung onto the values of what it was like to be normal. Everyone, mostly everyone, worked respectable jobs. They always had the nicest cars. Their houses were not in any disrepair. Their lawns mowed completely. They all dressed nicely and had their hair cut. No one wore anything which would stand out in a crowd. They were a typical suburban neighborhood. Everyone remained in bed until the sunrise without a care in the world.
A loud crash came through the neighborhood as a gate flew off of the hinges. A large tank barreled down the roads and veered around in an insane manner. The occupant of the tank appeared to have a moderate amount of control over the tank. A light post knocked over and sent glass shattering in the midst of the road. Someone's flower bed received a huge trampling.
The tank skidded to a stop just inches away from crashing into the back of Vernon Dursley's new company car. The tank popped open and the one and only Deadpool popped out of the tank.
"You were expecting Squirrel Girl?"
The Merc with the Mouth shook his head and smiled before he dropped down onto the ground. The smell of chaos followed him down the road. One old lady peered at the door with her mouth agape. An insane scream came close to coming out. She could not say a word.
"How are you doing?"
The old woman fell back onto the porch with an impact which could have shattered her hip. Deadpool reached into the tank and pulled out an energy pack along with a glowing green rod. He raided it from a HYDRA base during an off-screen adventure in between the previous chapter and this chapter. He held the magnificent rod in his hand. The rod twitched and pointed in the general direction of Number Four Privet Drive.
"I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark," Deadpool said. "I've heard a rumor that Harry Potter lives here during this summer and he has not answered his correspondence in the past couple of weeks."
The Gamekeeper Hagrid, who had struck up a kinship with Harry, had sent him a correspondence which had not been responded to well over a week ago. Deadpool heard this rumor a couple of weeks ago. He smelled some kind of magical interference in the area.
The magnificent rod clutched in Deadpool's hand started to beep when he pointed it in the direction of the bush. The door at Number Four Privet Drive opened and a large man who resembled a Walrus came down the steps. His face blotted red as he breathed.
"What the devil are you doing?" the large man growled.
Spittle flew all over the air and showered Deadpool. The Mercenary recoiled a few seconds to recover from the spittle being spread on his face.
"My name is Wade Wilson. I'm the Caretaker of Magical Sanitation at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a mercenary, a really swell dancer, and the guy who you just showered with spit. That's quite disgusting. So, who are you?"
"I'm Vernon Dursley," he said. "And you're trespassing on my property."
"Hey, I'll be gone if you tell me what you've done with Harry Potter."
Vernon's eyes narrowed. His face grew even redder and even splotchier when taking a couple of deep breaths. He peered across the way into the eyes of this man in front of him.
"I don't know anyone by that name."
"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England," Deadpool said. "I'll level with you, Vern, mind if I call you Vern?"
Vernon Dursley obviously did in fact mind hence the reason why Deadpool was going to keep calling him Vern to the level of agitation. Vernon cringed the second Deadpool threw his arm around the shoulders of the larger man. Vernon's teeth gritted the very second Deadpool pulled him in.
"Vern, it says in the official school records Harry Potter lives here. And I know school records are not fabricated. Especially due to the single fact that they are magical records."
The head of the Dursley household recoiled in horror. Vernon's hand grabbed over his heart when the heartbeat continued to go over his body.
"Don't…you…dare….speak…that….dirty word."
"What?" Deadpool asked.
"The M-Word!" Vernon yelled.
Deadpool tapped his head and looked thoughtful. He held the giant glowing rod in his head to look for the strange pulse of foreign magic in the air. It could not be for certain whether or not it had been adjusted properly.
"Oh, magic you mean!"
Vernon's head whipped back like some shot him in the chest at the forbidden word.
"I'm sorry, I can't talk about magic, without saying the word magic. How can I talk about magic, without even mentioning the word magic? I mean, magic would not be so magical if you can't say magic. It would hard to talk about magic without saying the magic word of magic. It wouldn't be very magical."
The large bulky man threw his head back and a pained scream came out of the back of his head. Vernon's head started to roll around his neck. The Mercenary raised an eyebrow as he could see Vernon staggering back. A woman with a long neck peered said neck out of the door and gave a gasp in surprise.
"I think your husband is having a heart attack. Or being a drama queen."
"What are you doing here?" the woman shrieked.
"I'm here to represent Hogwarts, and check up on one my students….."
"Dumbledore swore he would not send anyone from here if we took him in!" the woman yelled at the top of her lungs. "You shouldn't be here!"
"Harry's not been receiving his mail. You haven't been keeping his owl locked up underneath the stairs or something, have you? Because that's cruelty to animals, and you're going to feel the wrath of PETA."
"I haven't locked his owl under the stairs!" Vernon yelled. "I've only locked his belongings in the cupboard he slept in when he was younger. He's damn lucky that I didn't lock his ungrateful ass in that cupboard along with…."
A loud smack dropped Vernon down to his knees. Deadpool drove his large rod into Vernon's face. The impact caused Vernon to clutch his nose and scream out in pain. Deadpool looked towards a horrified Petunia who waved her frying pan at him.
"There's something obviously magical and potentially dangerous lurking around in this neighborhood. At least if I have this magical tracking thing calibrated properly, and there's a pretty good chance I might."
The face of the man on the porch contorted and he fell back onto the porch with a huge thud. He started breathing heavily and hyperventilating. Deadpool looked down at the man on the sidewalk, leaned down and whispered one single word in his ear
"Magic."
The arms and legs of the man started to twitch madly on the porch. Deadpool waved his big rod right in Petunia's face who recoiled at the rod's immense size.
"There's something strange in the neighborhood. I wonder what could be causing this strangeness."
"That's what I'd want to know."
Deadpool jumped into the air straight into the arms of Petunia Dursley. Petunia recoiled in horror and dropped this escaped mental patient to the ground. An imposing redheaded woman appeared on the front porch right in front of Petunia.
"Mrs. Dursley, isn't it?"
Petunia did not see any reason to answer the question in the negative. She just responded with a nod. The woman surveyed her for a few seconds.
"My name is Amelia Bones. My niece and your nephew have struck up a friendship, and she wrote to him twice in this past week. She has not received any correspondence back and she requested that I see if everything is right as Harry has mentioned that he has a strained relationship."
"Whatever fairy tales the boy is telling you…." Petunia said before taking a deep breath. "He hasn't received any post. Whatever is blocking it might be on your end."
Amelia surveyed the woman. Petunia felt very anxious. Her husband passed out from over-exertion and just laid completely on the sidewalk.
"I want you to do something about this maniac who drove a tank all through our neighborhood and disrupted the peace!" Petunia shouted at the top of his lungs.
Amelia turned over towards the tank and tapped her want on it to check for any magical enchantments on the tank. She found it was one hundred percent normal and devoid of any magic. She turned back to the scowling one.
"I'm afraid that since the tank has not been enchanted that it is out of the jurisdiction of the Ministry of Magic," Amelia said. "He may be in trouble with the Mu…the non-magical authorities."
'And I'm pretty certain she had a worse reaction from the word non-magical than she would have from the word Muggle,' Deadpool mused. 'And she's giving me that death glare. Oh boy, that's not good.'
"Where did you get the tank?"
Deadpool swallowed the lump building in his throat. He tried not to lose all sense of composure even though it would be the easiest thing in the world to do. "I took the tank from Nazis. You'll find in the non-magical world it's perfectly legal to steal from Nazis and in some cases punch them in the face without their consent. Therefore, I was well within my rights to acquire this tank."
The Department of the Head of Magical Law Enforcement wondered if she dared asked any more questions. The intense beeping of the pulsing rod clutched in Deadpool's hand went off. She narrowed her eyes. She followed the progress of Deadpool's eyes towards something which shifted in the bushes.
"Come out!"
A little head appeared in the pushes. The most grotesque looking creature Deadpool ever laid eyes on came out of the pushes. He jumped back and fell next to Vernon Dursley's body.
"IT'S A GREMLIN! DON'T LET IT GET NEAR WATER!"
Amelia frowned, a house elf had been stopping Harry Potter's mail, but why? She looked at the house elf who shifted nervously.
"Please tell me your name and what family you serve," Amelia said.
"My name is Dobby, miss, and I serve the most Noble and Ancient House of Malfoy."
He trembled nervously at giving this information. The nice woman had been so polite in saying the question that he could not help and answer the question.
"You've been stopping Harry Potter's mail," Amelia curtly stated.
Dobby threw himself onto the ground and balled up his fist. He hyperventilated when staring at the woman and threw his head back with a wail. Dobby clutched his hands to the top of his head and screamed out to the heavens. The house elf sobbed very madly.
"Please…Dobby….meant….no…harm….he just….he just…..he just!"
The magic binding Dobby to his family house caused him to break down in a very hysterical round of sobs. Amelia noticed all of the hallmarks of an abused elf when she saw one. It was a shame because house elves were eager to serve, it was in their nature, and to free them would be a crime to their nature. It was the best thing to treat them with respect.
"Did your Master order you to stop his mail?"
Dobby shook his head in response and threw his head back against the ground.
"Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby!"
SMACK! Deadpool slapped the house elf straight across the face.
"Get ahold of yourself, man!"
"Dobby is sorry, strange sir, it's just…it's just….I don't….no, Master did not order Dobby. Dobby did on his own…to…to help save Harry Potter. Bad things are going to happen and Harry Potter must not be at Hogwarts when it happens."
"Mmm," Amelia said. "Did Lucius Malfoy mention what bad things there were?"
Amelia could not get a word out of the house elf. Dobby's throat stuck and he shook his head instantly. His fingers dug into the side of his face. Dobby looked to be struggling to mime something. He cradled something in his hand and rubbed the side of his face. His eyes rolled up in the back of his head before sobbing once again.
"Master will not be happy if I'm not home in time for dinner," Dobby said.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to come with the Aurors, Dobby," Amelia said. "Tampering with someone's mail is a very serious offense, especially when that someone is Harry Potter. Once you get settled in at the Ministry, we will inform your master of what you've been up to."
"Master will not be happy," Dobby said. "Master will…"
Dobby started to wonder what his master could do to him and it terrified the elf. Deadpool guided the elf to his feet a few seconds later.
The door opened and a very ragged looking Harry Potter appeared at the front door. Amelia pursed her lips when getting a good glimpse at the Boy-Who-Lived's dress and state of dishevelment. Petunia tried to mime to Harry to go back inside, but the damage already had been done.
"Mr. Potter, I think you should get cleaned up," Amelia said. "We have reason to believe that you may be targeted in a potential assassination plot."
"Again?" Harry asked.
"Unfortunately," Amelia said. "Mr. Wilson, if you could help Harry collect his things, we can get this settled."
A very cynical person might think that Amelia Bones had been looking for an excuse to legally have Harry removed from Number Four Privet Drive. The assassination plot on his person and the potential investigation of a house elf being able to circumnavigate the protections Dumbledore was certain were foolproof resulted in an excuse which few would have the nerve to dispute.
Deadpool gave a salute to the Department of the Head of Magical Law Enforcement before he proceeded indoors to get Harry's things. Harry just shrugged his shoulders. He got out of the Dursleys early, who was he to bitch and moan about being brought to the Ministry?
'One thing I say about that kid as he goes with the flow.'
"What about my husband?"
Deadpool stopped and kicked Vernon in the ribs which caused him to thrash on the porch.
"No worries, he's still alive."