Chereads / The New Job Of Deadpool / Chapter 13 - Years One's End.

Chapter 13 - Years One's End.

Wade Wilson's body hated his brain for some of the decisions it made right about now. The wise-cracking mercenary would question his own sanity for going up against the Dark Lord Voldemort and managing to defeat him, somehow. Granted, he didn't necessary beat him. He just threw cleaning products in Quirrell's eyes and knocked him into the fire. And a Wild Poltergeist punched the spirit of the Dark Lord directly in the face to send him back to whatever hell he rose up into.

"What a day," Deadpool said. "We actually got through the first year as well….there's a fairly decent chance I could be here for another six years. Maybe less, but unlikely more, it really depends."

The Mercenary stopped face to face with Dumbledore who stepped inside. Deadpool acknowledged the Headmaster.

"Did Amy B give you an ass chewing?"

"Well, she had some few choice words about keeping the Philosopher Stone in Hogwarts without informing the Department of Magical Law Enforcement of the fact," Dumbledore said. "I've given her assurances that I will not do anything like that. It was a desperate move in the end. And Nicholas, well he's….he's resigned himself to the fact that the Stone needed to be destroyed."

"Or so he claims," Deadpool offered.

"Yes, so he has assured me," Dumbledore said. "And I've destroyed the stone."

'You know, there's a pretty good chance Flamel has the know how to just create a new stone,' the sane part of Deadpool's brain thought. 'Or he didn't even allow Dumbledore to have the Stone in the first place. You know, because why would he keep his most prized possession in a bank vault in a bank run by a group of creatures who enter rebellions constantly?'

'Hey, quit making sense!' one of the voices popped in. 'We'll have none of that in these parts.'

"I do hope you do not resign over this," Dumbledore said. "I can assure you that this year's events are out of the ordinary at Hogwarts."

'Well, this is going to happen for seven years, but I'm pretty sure nothing that strange happened before this seven year period which Harry Potter just happens to attend Hogwarts.'

"Hey, I'm game for another year," Deadpool said. "It would be a shame if I let a little near-murder at the hands of the Dark Lord color my experiences of this school."

'Besides, I've got a lot more shit to screw up,' Deadpool thought. 'I just have a funny feeling second year is going to be fun. And fifth year even more so for some reason, although I can't put my finger on why right now.'

"Have a pleasant day, and have a nice summer," Dumbledore said. "I expect you back here in August for the staff meeting. And Mr. Filch I believe has been cleared."

"This job isn't nearly as exciting with Captain Dread Sanitation Pirate Filch," Deadpool remarked. "I think I've done a good enough job in holding down the fort in his absence."

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "I have to prepare for the pre closing feast staff meeting, so if you excuse me….."

"Hey, good luck," Deadpool said.

Deadpool stepped a couple of feet and noticed a Ministry official standing at the end of the hallway. He held a very imposing looking envelope in his hand. He marched down the hallway with a purpose.

"Wade Wilson?"

"Yes, sir," Wade commented. "The one and only."

The man shoved the envelope in Deadpool's hands. Instantly, he had been curious and a little bit apprehensive. Deadpool allowed the envelope to slide in his hand and frowned.

"Does this mean I'm getting fired?"

'Well if that's the case, thank you all for reading, because this story is wrapping up.'

"Open it, Mr. Wilson."

Wade opened the envelope to receive an official letter from Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic himself. The Minister himself acknowledged his existence. Wade put on a pair of thick reading spectacles and looked at the contents of the letter.

"It says here I'm qualified to receive the Lancelot Award."

"Yes, for helping save the school from Quirrell and the magical parasite he picked up in his trip to Albania," the Ministry official responded. "We just need to assign you this, and you will have your plaque mailed to you in four to six weeks."

Deadpool frowned and looked at it. He knew from experience it was best to read anything you signed. You never truly knew when you were going to get your kidneys sold off to Russian mobsters or something along those lines.

"Wait, a minute, this looks a lot like a liability release form. You mean, I could receive money from the Ministry for damages if I wanted to apply for it. In the tone of a hundred galleons per year."

The Ministry Official began to sweat nervously as Deadpool mulled over the liability release form on his hand. He wondered why he was receiving the Lancelot Award, and not a standard Order of Merlin, even a Third Class. He wondered what a Lancelot Award was.

"So, I can either take the Ministry for gold, or I could get a plaque declaring that I defeated a very powerful dark wizard," Deadpool said. "Is the plaque shiny?"

"Yes, Mr. Wilson, it's very shiny."

"Well, good enough for me," Wade said. "I'll sign here and here, and…here and put my X here and we'll be good to go."

"Thank you, Mr. Wilson and you are a hero for your services to this school."

Deadpool gave the man on the other side of the hallway a big grin.

"I just do what any Deputy Custodian of Magical Sanitation would end up doing. It's nothing big really. Just someone who is doing his job."

The Ministry official stepped back with a brighter smile on his face. He stopped dripping buckets of sweat when walking off. Deadpool moved away and prepared to head off on his duties. He saw a very familiar face at the end of the hallway. His spirits picked up.

"Filchy! You're back!"

Argus Filch took a half of a step back. He dressed in his usual moldy tailcoat and scowl on his greasy looking face. His hair looked all in disarray like he had been through a hell of a time. Filch took a step forward and walked up to Deadpool. Deadpool extended his arms forward to offer Filch an embrace. Filch calmly walked past him a couple of minutes later.

'Denied.'

Deadpool looked at Filch who paused and turned around. He got one look at Filch's bloodshot eyes.

"You still here?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," Deadpool said. "The Ministry's giving me a Lancelot Award for services to this school."

Filch snorted at the word coming from him. That fool did not really know what a Lancelot award was. It was a sham award to keep people from suing the Ministry for putting them in danger. It came with a decent amount of gold as well, but nowhere near enough.

Then again, Filch really couldn't get the Ministry for charges if he wanted to thanks to an agreement he signed in condition to work for Hogwarts.

"Well, good for you," Filch said. "Where's Mrs. Norris?"

The Caretaker turned his nasty gaze onto Deadpool. Deadpool took a deep breath when seeing Filch peer down onto him.

"You better not have done anything to my pussy. If you molested my pussy in any way, you're going to pay."

"That's what she said!" Deadpool popped up.

Filch took a few seconds to debate whether or not he would acknowledge the statement of this madman in any single way whatsoever. He turned his attention away and started to look around. Deadpool turned his head. Mrs. Norris scampered down the hallway and tentatively "meowed" at Filch when making her way into position.

'There's nothing more beautiful than seeing a man reunite with his pussy.'

X-X-X

Harry Potter moved his way from the Gryffindor Common Room. Deadpool caught sight of the hero of this particular world. Who he just robbed out of a chance to perform those particular heroics, but that was neither here nor there. Deadpool moved into position in front of Harry.

"I heard you ran into him," Harry said. "Are you okay?"

"Kid, I've had much worse," Deadpool said. "Well, maybe not much worse. Voldemort was a shade of his former self and yet still dangerous. Things might have gone a lot different. You did a smart thing telling your friend to tell her aunt. I wish I had that kind of sense when you were younger."

"What would you have done if you were my age?"

Deadpool would have likely gone down into there to fight the Dark Lord and gotten his ass stomped. Maybe, Dumbledore would have rescued him just in time. Maybe he wouldn't, or maybe something else would happen.

"Nothing smart," Deadpool admitted. "Regardless, I think this year turned out pretty well. The Philosopher's Stone is safe, in fact, according to Dumbledore it was destroyed."

"Yes," Harry said. "And he also gave me fifty points to Gryffindor for using a cool head and logic."

"I'm sure his critics on the Internet would not like him being portrayed in such a positive way," Deadpool said. He received one of those confused looks from Harry. He was pretty used to receiving looks like this from anyone, especially from Harry. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you should make your way to the feast. You wouldn't want to lose out on any of the food there."

"Right?" Harry asked. "So, I guess this is it. Back home after the year."

Deadpool noticed the look on Harry's face resemble someone who had been just told their number was coming on death row.

"Hey, two months go by pretty quickly," Deadpool said. "And you never know, I might be in the neighborhood for reasons. So I might stop by and meet your relatives. I'm sure they'd love to have me for tea."

Harry responded with a very obvious snort. He could only imagine his Uncle Vernon's reaction to the Deputy Caretaker. Petunia's would be equally hilarious come to think about it.

"Why would you be in….well on Privet Drive?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I do a lot of pest extermination in the summer months," Deadpool said. "It's some dirty work, but it helps pays the bills. You got to do what you got to do."

Harry just responded with a nod. He did not have it in him to argue with him. Deadpool clapped him on the shoulder. Just a second later, Susan came around the corner.

"Aunt Amelia says you did the right thing," Susan said. "She just wishes that Dumbledore didn't put the Stone in the school. The Ministry's investigating what happened right now."

Susan and Harry walked off to leave Deadpool. He figured he should make his way to the feast as well.

'Hell of a year. Had some adventures, and Harry Potter traded up to a better redhead. Oh, and saved an evil wizard from getting his hands on the Stone. Good times, good times.'

Something told Deadpool that year two would be an interesting one with whatever madness happened. But first, Deadpool had to give some serious thought of how he would spend his summer vacation.