'Man, it's been a long time since we've been here,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head remarked.
'Actually, hasn't it been a good two weeks in the real world?' Deadpool asked.
Everyone's favorite mercenary moonwalked down the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He twirled his mop while also carrying his bucket in one hand. The bucket filled with soapy water splashed around. Deadpool dropped the bucket down onto the ground.
'So, I believe in the last chapter we had some Quidditch type stuff,' Deadpool thought. 'And then Harry Potter caught the snitch. And some other stuff happened, but anyway we are heading to the end of the winter season.'
Deadpool washed the suits of armor with his really long mop of death. He had used it previously to attempt to lay the smackdown on a troll, but it did not go completely well. Deadpool washed the suits of armor in the hallway and started to dance to an invisible tune.
He moved down the steps to see Hagrid moving his way up the steps with a large tree in his arms. The Great Hall looked very great, coupled with decorations.
"Oh, Holiday Tree, oh Holiday Tree!" Deadpool sang. "We can't call it a Christmas tree. Because everything is so PC."
Filch came around the corner. He stepped back and noticed pine needles laying on the floor of the Great Hall. Filch looked like he had been shoved in the groin with a fireplace poker.
'Nice visual imagery,' Deadpool thought.
"I hate Christmas!" Filch yelled.
"What don't you hate?" Deadpool asked.
Filch ignored pretty much everything Deadpool said for a moment. He looked around the hallway with those hands placed on his hips and a very ugly snarl on his face. More ugly than usual anyway.
"Pine needles everywhere all over the floor! Tinsel all over the ground. A bunch of punk kids standing underneath the Mistletoe and doing Public Displays of Affection, which are strictly forbidden in the Hogwarts halls."
"Wait, are you saying they hang Mistletoe and ban kissing in the Hallway?" Deadpool asked. "What kind of screwed up mixed messages does that send?"
Filch did not say anything. He frothed at the mouth so much Deadpool wished he had a tranquilizer gun at the ready just in case.
"I hate Christmas, the whole Christmas season!" Filch yelled. "If I could find a way to keep Christmas from coming. I would!"
Deadpool stopped and scratched the top of his head. He took a second to scratch the top of his head for a second as he tried to figure out.
'The Filch Who Stole Christmas?' Deadpool asked. 'Nah, that's crazy talk.'
Everyone's favorite mercenary moved around from the ranting Filch. He could see Harry Potter coming to the Great Hall. After Ron Weasley had been brought home to Hogwarts and Hermione Granger remained but decided to become a less prominent presence in the world of Hogwarts, Harry Potter found some new friends.
'New friends, who weren't his canonical friends,' Deadpool thought.
'Who did he befriend?' a voice in Deadpool's head asked.
'Well, hmm, let's see,' Deadpool thought. 'There's Susan Bones. She has a bad ass aunt in the Ministry who is one of the only competent adults in this world. That could come in handy.'
'Don't forget Padma Patil,' another voice replied. 'And I guess, we'll throw in Daphne Greengrass. She's pretty popular for someone who never appeared in the actual books.'
'Are we really making all of Harry's friends female?' Deadpool thought. 'He really should have a male friend.'
'Why?' another Deadpool voice asked.
'Well, you know,' another Deadpool voice commented.
'What do I know?' Deadpool asked.
'Reasons!'
'What reasons?'
Deadpool threw his head back as the very fractured parts of his personality continued to bicker. Everyone paid no attention to the mentally detached Assistant Caretaker of Magical Sanitation.
'REASONS!'
'Fine, if we have to have a token male friend in there...Longbottom seems to be a decent option, he's well-liked by enough of the fandom to work,' Deadpool thought. 'Plus, in some alternate universe, he is Harry Potter, well in a matter of speaking.'
'I don't know, Neville's a decent bloke and all,' another voice commented. 'But, Neville Longbottom and the Philosopher's Stone doesn't quite have the same ring to it.'
Deadpool stood out in the middle of the Great Hall and shrugged. He snapped somewhat back to life, back to reality, by Argus Filch ranting about how he hated pretty much everything. It was good to be back.
X-X-X
Late night at Hogwarts and Deadpool walked around the school after performing some janitorial style tasks. He had a particular stubborn toilet.
'You would think with the magic of magic, you would be able to have self-flushing pipes,' Deadpool thought.
'Hey, you said magic of magic,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head commented. 'Every time you see the words magic of magic in a Megamatt09 story, you should take a shot.'
A mysteriously half opened door caught Deadpool's attention. He should have known by now not to walk into areas of Hogwarts which he did not know what was exactly inside. Despite the fact, he should know better, nine times out of ten, Deadpool chose not to know better.
'If you get eaten by a giant plant, it's your own fault,' the rational part of Deadpool's brain said.
Deadpool smacked himself repeatedly on the head with a toilet plunger to get the rational part of his brain to shut up. He thought that would have long since been shut down.
With that bit of buffoonery out of the way, Deadpool stepped into the room. He noticed a giant mirror in the middle of the room. It had an inscription on the bottom. Deadpool stepped in front of the mirror and read the encryption.
"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi."
A second passed with Deadpool blinking a few minutes.
"Oh, I see."
Deadpool looked into the mirror. What he saw was completely shocking, so shocking that Deadpool was completely blown away by the image of the mirror. The image in the mirror completely blew Deadpool's mind. It rocked his socks. Despite the fact, he was not even wearing socks, hit socks had been had been completely rocked anyway.
It was the best, the most breath-taking thing on the face of the planet. No matter how many times Deadpool saw the image in the mirror he would have been blown away.
"Whoa!"
Deadpool pumped his fist in the air. The image in the mirror stared back at him for a long moment. Deadpool's eyes remained transfixed on the image in the mirror. He could not believe how amazing it looked. You never really what you truly desired until it reflected back to you in a mirror.
"This is…this is…shocking!"
Across from him in the mirror sat Deadpool's own mirror image. He saw himself in the mirror. The only difference was he wore an extremely fancy new hat.
'We do look fabulous,' Deadpool commented and everyone was agreement.
"That is a nice hat, Mr. Wilson. Perhaps one day, it will be yours."
Deadpool turned around and noticed Albus Dumbledore standing in the midst of the room. He had a smile on his face.
"The Mirror of Erised is a very powerful magical artifact," Dumbledore said. "And not one to be trifled with. It has driven many men and women to despair as they see something which is not there."
"And yet you have left it in the middle of a room where anyone can just happen upon it," Deadpool said. "It makes perfect sense for me."
Dumbledore chuckled in response. Deadpool could see there was much more to what was going here than met the eye. He was just going to have to ride it out and see what happened.
"Well, I am only storing it here temporarily, until I'm able to move it to a more permanent and secure location," Dumbledore said. "Everything will be ready after the first of the year. Given the low number of students who choose to remain at Hogwarts over the Christmas holidays, I believe the chances of anyone happening upon this mirror are very low."
"Which means someone else is going to come across this mirror," Deadpool said.
"Well, I will have been alerted should they come across it and I will be able to properly steer them away from it before the effects become too long lasting," Dumbledore said. "Those who have too constant of an exposure to the mirror can succumb to madness."
"The train's already left the station for me, methinks," Deadpool said.
All Deadpool received in response was a smile and a twinkle in the eye of Albus Dumbledore.
"So, have you ever been tempted to peek in the mirror?" Deadpool asked.
"A time or two," Dumbledore responded.
"And what have you seen?" Deadpool asked. "Surely, the great Albus Dumbledore has some desire deep down."
"Socks," Dumbledore said. "I would like a nice warm pair of socks."
"Well, sometimes the simplest things are the best," Deadpool commented. "Socks are nice, and nice woolen mittens, knitted by a loving grandmother, and a nice hat to cover your ears."
"Yes, those would be quite lovely," Dumbledore agreed. "Unlike others, our desires are in reach. Those who have had darkness in their heart have been twisted even further by making the events depicted inside of this mirror a reality. And those who have light as well. The magic of….."
"Don't say it," Deadpool said.
"Magic," Dumbledore said.
'Everyone take a drink.'
"Is a magnificent thing."
X-X-X
It was the night before Christmas, and all through Hogwarts, not a creature was stirring, not even Lord Voldemort.
'That could have rhymed a bit better.'
Deadpool sensed something was off the moment he prepared to head off to bed. The house elves had been acting a bit strange at supper time, even stranger than usual. They always tripped over their feet, it was almost terrifying to see the lengths that they would go to serve the true masters of Hogwarts.
"Finally! After all of these years, victory will be mine!"
'That sounded like Dead Sanitation Pirate Filch!' Deadpool thought. 'And he's making off with the Christmas booty!'
'Best porno name ever,' Deadpool voice commented. 'Wait, Filch is stealing Christmas!'
Argus Filch slowly pushed a wheelbarrow containing several wrapped presents out of the front doors leading from the Great Hall. He struggled, sneered, and dripped with sweat when he grunted.
"Hold it right there, Filch!"
Filch stopped and looked at Deadpool who stood at the end of the Great Hall. The two stared each other down with neither backing up from their position.
"I can't believe it, you're actually stealing Christmas!" Deadpool shouted. "That's a new low for you."
"I'm sick of this entire Christmas mess!" Filch yelled. "Year after year, I find all of the junk that these little brats don't even want laying around in the hall. I could build a bloody house out of all of the Fruitcake I had to clean up. And now, it's worse than ever. I'm going to take this presents to the Forbidden Forest. Take the entire load to dump it!"
"You can't do that!" Deadpool yelled. "You can't steal Christmas. Have a heart, Filch, have a heart."
"Bah, I don't have a heart," Filch said.
"Wait, so you're a zombie?" Deadpool asked.
"That's not what I meant, you daft git!" Filch growled. "I mean, I'm going to ruin Christmas. I never got what I wanted for Christmas. Each and every year, I wrote a letter to Father Christmas, and asked me to give me the one thing I knew that only he could give me."
"What's that?"
"I wanted him to give me the gift of magic,' Filch said.
'Boy this took a turn the tragic,' Deadpool thought.
"Wait, you can't perform magic?" Deadpool asked.
"No, I can't perform magic," Filch said. "I'm a squib."
"But, you only have two arms."
"I said squib, not squid," Filch said. "That's a kid from pureblood parents who doesn't have a drop of magic in his veins. Oh sure, he can see magical buildings, but he can't perform the bloody stuff. And what's worse, I heard about Angus and how he was the preferred son. He can do magic. He was the prince, even before I didn't get my letter to Hogwarts."
Filch clutched his fists and breathed in and out.
"And now, I have to see those little shits get the magical education that was robbed from me!" Filch yelled. "They're so happy. Even when I try and make them miserable, they're so happy. Because they have magic, and I don't! They enjoy what they're doing, and I have to wallow in their filth, cleaning up their messes. All without magic!"
The caretaker's long gnarled finger pointed towards Deadpool.
"I'm going to destroy all of these presents and there will be no Christmas for anyone!" Filch yelled. "And you're going to help me do it!"
"What?" Deadpool asked. "What makes you think I'm stepping aboard this crazy train?"
Filch gave him a nasty grin, all of his yellow teeth showing.
"Because I'm your boss. And you have to do what I say."
Deadpool reached into his bag and pulled out his contract. He read over it.
"It says here I don't have to work holidays," Deadpool said. "Unless you pay me extra."
"I'm not paying you extra," Filch said. "Fine, if you don't want to help me, then I'm going to dump it myself. And when I get back, you're going to be out of Hogwarts. You've been nothing, but a nuisance over the past few months."
The Mercenary refused to budge from his particular position. Filch reached behind him into the wall and ripped a large candy cane off of the wall. He pointed it at Deadpool.
"Get going, or I'll bludgeon you with this giant candy cane."
Deadpool snickered before he pulled the candy cane off of the other side of the wall. The two faced off against each other before Filch charged Wade.
Both of them battled against each other with their candy canes clashing together like swords. The two drove the candy canes into each other with sparks flying everywhere.
"I'm going to bring you down!" Filch yelled. "You're not going to ruin my plan to ruin Christmas!"
Peeves popped his head out of the wall and started to hum the theme from Star Wars as Deadpool and Filch kept fighting against each other. Their candy canes clung together as Filch backed off against the wall. The two continued their battle against each other.
"What's this rumpus?"
Deadpool dodged the attack and Filch nailed Severus Snape smack dab in the face with a giant candy cane by accident! Snape dropped down to the ground and Deadpool came back to nail Filch with a shot which sent him flying across the Great Hall.
"Finish him!" Peeves yelled. "FINISH HIM!"
Deadpool rushed towards Filch and jumped high into the air. He nailed Filch in the side of the face. The candy cane rose up and waffled Filch right in the gonads and caused him to slide down onto the ground. Deadpool stepped back, the undisputed victor of this duel of giant candy canes against Argus Filch.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas has been saved!"
The groaning form of Argus Filch collapsed down to the ground. Deadpool stepped back, over a concussed and bleeding Severus Snape.
"Um, we better get you to the hospital wing," Deadpool said. "After I deliver all of these Christmas presents to their rightful owners."
The Mercenary noticed one package in particular which tore open. He noticed a silver cloak dropped down onto the floor. Deadpool took the very priceless and important object into his hands.
'Hey, it's Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak which is in no way a super powered Macguffin that will be important in six years,' Deadpool said. 'Wouldn't want this to not get to its rightful owner.'
Deadpool stopped and looked at the cloak. He wrapped it around his body and ran around the Great Hallway. Nothing, but a disembodied Deadpool head ran around the Great Hall. He cackled merrily.
Albus Dumbledore stepped into the Great Hall to investigate. He noticed Filch down on the ground in pain. Snape down on the ground in pain. Two slightly destroyed giant candy canes laid out on the floor. Several Christmas presents loaded up in a rickety looking wagon and Wade Wilson's dismembered head floating around the Great Hall at quick speeds.
'I should cut back on the lemon drops.'