Different-Part 26
Selena's POV
He was going to tell me about his father. And I couldn't help but expect the worst. I mean he seemed to scared about him. And here I was, thinking that I was the only one who knew how pain really feels like. I should stop doing that. Thinking that he doesn't know what pain feels like. I guess I've been jealous about how he's been taken care of by a living mother his entire life and I thought his dad was nice but at home.
I gulped not knowing what to expect from his past. Not that I would ever judge him.
But I was scared a little bit.
He seemed like he didn't like his dad and I couldn't help but wonder many times before if I've ever reminded him of his dad before.
I mean I've snapped at him a lot of times and who knows maybe that's why he looses his shit with me because it reminds him of his own dad's snapping at him.
"You're a child, you're a freak, and always will be" I burst at him before I slapped my hand over my mouth when I realised what I just said.
I watched Jace as he slid up a lil against the headboard, clutching on to me and I held onto him tightly.
He was holding me so differently. It was wierd but I could feel it in my bones. He was holding onto me like he was scared. As if I was going to disappear. And I couldn't help but wonder the same thing about himself. If he was going to leave me. Disappear.
I brushed Jace's hair back as he didn't speak for a while. His eyes were stick to one place but I didn't rush him because he never rushed me. He gives me time and I need to do the same thing.
"My daddy didn't wuv me" Jace said suddenly letting out a sigh as he laid his head on my lap and he stared at the wall. I watched as his face was serious but it had hints of sadness and I gulped, trying not to have too many thoughts in my head that I wouldn't listen to Jace properly.
I didn't say anything as I could feel him wanting to carry on but he didn't for a second and I just keep bursting his hair back. His eyes suddenly closed and he fiddled with my legs instead.
"He called me stupid and was mean to me all the time" he spoke biting his lip harshly and I frowned placing my thumb in between his mouth to stop him from ripping it open. He let out a sigh. "He hated me cause he said I act like baby, when I don't and he slap me and tell me act normally which I do and I hated him" He said as tears slid down his face into my lap before he suddenly got up and wrapped his arms around my waist as tears slid into my neck.
He hit him. He hit Jace. Like fully abused him. How could a dad do that? Actually he wasn't even a dad, no dad could ever do that to a child. He was a pathetic excuse of a dad and a human instead.
I bit my lip harshly as I couldn't believe he had a father like that. And I can't imagine how Pattie must've felt.
I really wanted Pattie to tell me about before. To tell me how much pain Jace was in. About his past. That he had nightmares. That he had been abused before. That he was hurt. That he was in pain. I really wanted her to tell me everything about Jace, so that I was nicer and didn't remind him of his dad, which I know I did.
But I couldn't help but sigh in frustration because I know it hurt Pattie as well. And it was Jace who should tell me in the right time.
"Hey, Jace," I said as his lips quivered. "the bright side is that he isn't here and will never ever be here" I slightly laughed trying to soothe him by rubbing his back but it didn't seem to work.
He shook his head, getting up. "BUT HE STILL ALIVE, HE CAN HURT ME ANYTIME" Jace snapped at me pushing me away which made me tumble to floor with an 'umph' noise and I hissed in pain at his new aggressive side.
"Jace" I groaned rubbing my butt but I tried to ignore it as I know he was just angry and his emotions were unstable right now. I looked at Jace to see him rocking back and forth with his hands wrapped around his knees making me worried.
My heart started to beat faster. So fast that it started to hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should help or not. I didn't know if when he looked at me, he could see his dad. I didn't know.
"He's not going to hurt you" I whispered approaching him as I was glancing at the door, wondering whether to call Pattie instead. I didn't know how to handle him like this, I haven't seen him like before so I didn't know if I would say the right thing. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to make shit worse. Which is something I've always done for Jace.
Shit I really need Pattie.
"NO, YOU HURT ME JUST LIKE HIM" He screamed and I moved back jumping at his voice. I looked at him with my eyes widened and my mouth slightly ajar in shock. My heart seemed to stop as my head started to ache at his words.
I did remind him of his dad. I reminded him of the abuse. The bullshit manipulated into his brain. I reminded him of an abusive fucked up shit. I reminded him of pain. I was the that reminded him of all of that. Me.
I mean I get that I'm sometimes mean to him but I don't psychically hurt him. I couldn't.
Could I? Have I? I shook my head as I thought back to all the times with me and Jace and tried to think of there were any times that I've hurt him, like physically because I didn't want to be like his dad. And now have saying that I was, I couldn't help but lose it slightly.
"Jace you really think I'm like your dad, do you?" I asked choking on my words as I looked down and he suddenly grabbed my arms tightly making me groan in pain.
I closed my eyes tightly as his grip tightened and I pressed my hands against his chest.
Okay, now it started to hurt.
"What's going on here?" I heard a voice ask and I opened myself to see Pattie looking at us confused while rubbing her eyes realising she woke up from her sleep.
"MUMMY" Jace suddenly cried and quickly loosened his grip before pushing me away so he could hug his mum.
I felt tears fall down my face as I looked down at my arms that were slightly red. I reminded him of his dad. His abusive dad. He was alive but he wasn't here and it didn't even matter because I was here as a reminder of his dads presence as well.
I glanced at Pattie who looked at both of us confused and I shook my head at my thoughts before wiping my tears eventhough they kept spilling out after they wipe.
"What happened here, Selena?" Pattie asked worried as Jace held her closer and she rubbed his arms up and down trying to calm him down.
I opened my mouth to say something but I felt like the air had escaped from my lungs.
"She's just like dad, SHE'S MEAN AND DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME" Jace shouts causing Pattie to let out a gasp as she glanced at me before glaring at Jace. I looked down instead hearing a high pitch sound in my ear.
It's like a bomb exploded near me. Or maybe it was my heart due to how quick it was racing right now.
"Jace, Selena is nothing like that man, apologise this instant" Pattie scolded Jace with a slightly shocked look maybe because of Jace's outburst but honestly I felt too hurt to care.
I watched as she had a pained look in her eye as if she was imagining Jace's dad as well and I couldn't help but bit my lip, feeling a little bit of metallic taste in my mouth.
I reminded her as well of him. And I didn't even try. Is that how I'm seen now. By Jace and Pattie. By the both of them.
"It doesn't matter, I'm leaving" I mumbled with a slight whimper but Pattie stopped me.
I mentally screamed at her as I couldn't last a second with Jace.
I couldn't deal with this right now.
I couldn't deal with myself right now.
I didn't even hate him.
Like I understood where he was coming from. I tried too hard to be normal around him.
To still be a balance of making fun out him and making him happy.
But I fucked it up.
Just like with my mum and Brian.
I fucked it up again.
"You need an apology which Jace will give you" Pattie said with a frown pushing Jace slightly towards me but I shook my head feeling so many things cross my mind all at once.
I rolled my eyes trying to pretend that I wasn't on the verge of tears right now.
"I'M NOT SORRY," Jace snapped with his arms crossed glaring at me while I did the same just with a pained expression.
I tightened my fists digging my nails into my hands which seems to feel bloody after a couple of minutes.
It started to happen again.
"Jace" Pattie snaps at him and he jumped up a little bit, the same as I did as I've never seen her mad before until now.
I caused her to become mad at Jace as well now. I keep making his life worse. I keep missing his life up day by day.
He took deep breaths before mumbling something 'it's like I'm apologising to dad' making my heart pain even more and I couldn't do anything but to run out the room.
I ran to my room and stayed inside making sure I locked the door before my knees pass out and I fall to the ground.
I roll into a ball and sobbed into my knees.
I didn't mean to turn out like this.
I didn't mean to become like his dad.
It wasn't ever my intention.
After my dad died, I had built walls around my heart that was so high that I couldn't even tell who I was trying to protect myself from.
Maybe I was trying to escape from myself.
My cold heart.
My selfishness.
Maybe I don't deserve love. Jace deserved love and I couldn't even give him that.
I was trying so hard to be normal, to be the same person that had met him the first time because I couldn't deal with these walls being broken and feeling vulnerable.
Because the last time I was vulnerable was when my dad was alive.
But he's not.
"It should've been me" I whispered to myself over and over again.
......
This was a hard chapter to write because I tried to get really deep into my depressing side and write how I feel as well when I'm sad. Because I want to be able to relate to as many people as I can. You don't have to have abusive parents to relate to this. I'm really sorry if you guys do though. No one deserves that and I hope you guys find happiness in your hearts.
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