Different-Part 27
Selena's POV
I opened my eyes to see I was still in the same position as I was. I couldn't help but groan as I felt as if I slept for a long time but I was still really tired. I let out a sigh as I tried to get up but I groaned in pain as I felt a cramp in my neck instead.
I don't even know how long I was out. I didn't even realise I had fallen asleep. But I haven't been releasing I've done a lot of things recently.
So many thought were in my mind. So many thoughts about Jace. About my dad. What he would think of me, about the thoughts going through my head. And Pattie, what she was thinking of me knowing how much shit I've Jace is, how I've hurt her only son in so many ways. How I've hurt my mum and brian for so long who didn't even deserve my hate. It took my love for Jace to realise that if I'm going to be honest.
Jace.
He was my medicine and solution for everything and that idiot didn't even realise it. But it was my fault because I'm the one that keeps hurting him. The one keeps fucking shit up. The one that keeps confusing his already confused brain so many times.
I got up and felt my back starting to form a cramp as well causing me to hiss in pain. I really need to sleep in more comfortable position. But I honestly didn't mind because the way I've been acting recently, I don't deserve to feel good.
I ignored the pain and went to the bathroom as I really felt disgusting inside. I looked at myself in the mirror. I noticed how expressionless I looked. I was lifeless. I didn't look like a human right now and it was my fault. I'm the one that sucks the life out of myself because I don't deserve this life. I looked at my eyes which were puffy and red from all the tears I let out yesterday.
I didn't even realise I had cried that much. It just felt endless. I couldn't stop crying but I honestly didn't mind as well. I hadn't cried in ages, especially a couple of years after my dad died. I thought I honestly ran out of tears. But being with Jace, I learnt how to feel sad again. Instead of feeling nothing and being numb.
I thought back to all the memories between me and Jace.
The first time I saw him. I found him cute but I forced my emotions back in the walls I built myself. I remember my mum being excited to see her best friend and she jumped on top of them causing Jace and Pattie to collapse on the ground causing me to laugh my head off. Eventhough it caused Jace to cry his eyes out. God he was completely the opposite of me at that time. He cried more tears that it made up for mine thorough out the years.
"Pattie!" My mum screamed randomly and all I catch is her pushing me to the side into the wall before seeing her literally jumped on top of this Pattie causing both of them to fall to the ground.
As well as the boy with them.
I hear to see them groan with the boy luckily suriviving and escaping from under them.
I couldn't help but burst out laughing like there were literal tears coming out from my eyes.
Fuck that probably made my day and decreased the chance of potentially killing our new guests.
A laughter that was real. That felt real. At least I think it was.
I don't really know what's real or fake anymore. Especially myself nowadays.
But I felt some type of realism with Jace. Some type of emotion that didn't make me feel numb.
I slowly washed my face as I watched in the mirror. It burnt a little but as I used soap. The dark circles seemed like they weren't going to be disappearing any time soon.
Neither was the puffiness from my eyes.
I was surprised my stomach wasn't groaning in hunger by now as I hadn't been properly eaten for the last couple days.
I was fine before. With Jace.
I think those were the times I actually didn't lose my appetite.
Except for when I pissed him off or made him feel like shit.
I could never eat when my heart was already full from all the selfishness and pain that was being fed to me.
But I decided to go downstairs anyway not bothering to take a shower as I felt too tired to do anything.
I mean I showered yesterday so I didn't stink or anything which I was glad about.
Usually when I become like this, I have the urge to pee or shower or just have something important to do.
But today, I just felt like I was allowed to be sad.
Allowed to feel all the negative feelings that were building up.
And it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to be honest.
Sometimes feeling shit makes me feel normal. Like I'm human again. I hate it when I feel numb. Sometimes I want to go in front of a car and stay in front of it till my mind tells me to move. Sometimes I do that when I feel numb.
So that I can feel.
When I'm happy, I always worried about when I'm going to have my next panic attack or become sad again.
It's funny that people love being happy. I don't understand it. I don't know how to he happy anymore. I really dont understand people or emotions.
It felt hourglass glass, with the sand representing my happiness running out as time past. But I couldn't see the sand.
"Selena" I heard Pattie call my name causing me to snap out of my thoughts and I quickly got out of the bathroom.
She gasped quietly because beause of my puffed up cheeks but I ignored her and went straight to the kitchen.
"Are you okay" I heard her asked but I didn't have any effort to look at her, to communicated, to be human. I just nodded sitting down at the table doing nothing.
I couldn't speak or just do anything.
It's like my lips were sealed shut.
Maybe it was better that way.
Usually when I'm sad, I would laugh and just say stupid comments because sometimes it's just easier to laugh about it.
And with Jace here, he became my punching bag and I shouldn't have. He already was dealing with shit and I just made it worse for him.
The amount of times I've snapped at him.
"Hey Jay, you need to stop dancing OK, cmon let's give you some water," I said placing my hand into and he groaned shaking his head as he pushed him away.
Ugh, he was getting in my nerves.
"It wasn't a question" I snapped at him causing him to jump up and he looked at me with a frown. I sighed before stepping closer to him and he jumped back before hiding under the bed.
Shit scared him again. Fucking bipolar much.
I was a shit babysitter and friend as well to him. Even to Pattie as well because she trusted me with him and I fucked up multiple times like at the party. I felt him with a fucking stranger and got him drugged up.
I pushed Jace towards her which was a little difficult since he was like glued to me and he let out a groan once he immediately detached himself.
I sighed. "His name is Jace and he's all yours but also he's a little shy" I fake smiled before sitting back on the sofa and Jace let out a whimper fiddling with his hoodie, looking down.
Hmm, should I tell her that he has autism or Nah?
Nope. The less she knows about him, the better.
Who knows, maybe he'll go off on her and cause the party to end without me having to do it myself.
Brittany ignored me but took Jace anyway.
I saw her mouth open to say something but I felt like I lost my appetite and started walking out of the kitchen.
Suddenly, I felt myself bang into something,ng. "Ow" I groaned rubbing my head. I looked up to see Jace looking at me with no expression.
I couldn't see him right now.
Just not right now.
I shook my head and walked past him going back upstairs and lying in my bed ignoring the rumbling in my stomach.
"Selena" I heard my name being whispered but I couldn't tell who it was.
I had no effort to respond.
"Selena, wake up" I heard the same voice call me and I finally jumped out of bed annoyed, only to be faced with a shocked and slightly frightened Jace.
"What the fuck are you doing here" I asked with a groan rubbing my eyes to adjust to the fucking light.
"D-dinners ready" Jace stuttered looking down like he was afraid of me.
Ok yeah, he thinks I'm just like his, father doesn't he?
I mentally shook my head in disappointment before walking out of bed and going downstairs to the kitchen leaving Jace alone.
"I'm not, hungry" I said to my mum and Pattie as they looked at me in shock.
"What, why not you haven't anything today or yesterday?" mum asked but I ignored her and went back upstairs. I didn't want to talk to her right now.
She was supposed to be my mum. She was supposed to understand me better than I understood myself yet she's making me break my own heart.
Actually I'm breaking my own heart.
She's showing me the truth about myself. She protecting Jace because I'm harmful for him. I do remind him of his dad and that might be because my mum already knew that would happen.
I shouldn't have ever even talked to him. I should've just babysat him. Fed him. Watch him. Let him watch porn and allow him to learn about things through there or got him to learn about him online about puberty and everything but no.
My fucked up brain decided to tease him, to teach him, to feel him, to love...
I suddenly snapped our of my thoughts as I saw Jace looking at me confused on the stairs.
If I made him think about his dad, then I'm not going to see him.
I decided to pass by him without looking at him and go back to my room instead. I couldn't see him. I shouldn't hurt him more than I already do. My presence shouldn't affect him at all.
I felt my stomach grumbled but I ignored it and slid into my bed covering my body with the sheets.
I didn't know why I wasn't eating but everything that's been going on has just make me lose my appetite.
Maybe I could die of starving myself.
Does it really matter to anyone if I die?
At least, for Jace, if I die, it would be like his dad had died.
That's what he said about apologising to me, didn't he?
That saying sorry to me is like apologising to his dad.
So my death would be like his death.
....,
Sorry this was a short chapter but an important one.
I tried to get deep into my saddest side lol which wasn't too hard but yeah so hopefully this made me cry lol, not in a bad way because there's nothing wrong with crying and yeah. I try to read over the chapters to make sure everything makes sense and nothing is left out.
But comment if you do feel like I have things left out or of there's any old cliff hangers that haven't been solved.
Comment and vote.