I don't remember it, really. It isn't something I had ever thought to be traumatic. Not until they told me. Momma said things. But she's always said things. A lot of opinions. Sometimes I wish those opinions were say nice things. Maybe I wouldn't be like this. Maybe I could still feel things.
Momma said things that night when she saw it. She saw my life. My reason. My escape. Momma said she knew it. She knew I was sick.
Sick.
They always tell me that. I don't feel sick. I feel lonely. I want to hold out my arms, and be held in an embrace. I want to depend on a heart that isn't mine. Mine is too broken to help me. I write these things down sometimes. I write so that I don't have to turn to it. What mamma saw. It's dangerous. I'm dangerous. I'm not stupid, or oblivious. I'm not a little kid. But I'm also scared.
I know I'll get hurt. I know it will leave scars on me, and cause me pain. But there is something so satisfying about having the power to get rid of everything you can't stand to see.
To watch it burn before your eyes.
Pyromania-
an obsessive desire to set fire to things.
This definition could come with many different circumstances. Maybe it's because you're suicidal. Maybe you like watching others suffer. Maybe you enjoy seeing yourself in pain. But I don't want that. I want to end the pain. End the suffering. So I end everything that reminds me of that.
I turn the knob on the bathtub off and sit in silence. I don't like silence, I've decided. I just breathe slowly, basking in the feeling of cold liquid surrounding me. I miss Seokjin. Kim Seokjin. My best friend. Only Jin hyung understands me. He doesn't live with me anymore. I live alone.
I shouldn't live alone. I think too much. I shift my position in the tub so that I'm hugging my knees close to my chest with my fingers intertwining around them. Some days I think that it will go away. That the voices will stop. Or that I wont spend every waking hour of my dragged out life thinking solely about burning the remains of my brokenness. Of my broken past. But it never does.
I'm still here.
"GiGi... come back."
(A/N)
While this story has strayed quite far from my usual writing style, I can't help but think it fits much better.
I purple you! <3