{[WARNING!!!] THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF INJURED SCENES! THIS MIGHT TRIGGER YOU, PLEASE STOP READING IF YOU FELT UNCOMFORTABLE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUED READING IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED. }
I dropped my whole body on the bed and sighed. What is this feeling? I sighed even harder. I felt sluggish and slumpy. My heart...it's clenching hard and throbbing. Is this what people call jealousy? But jealous of what? For what?
Ayden you jerk! You said you will be with me all day.
Ughh. This is stupid. I'm being stupid.
"I'm so dumb."
I sighed even harder when I heard someone's knocking. Let's just ignore it.
And they bang the door all of sudden. I sat up and frowned. The fuck? I glanced at the clock, it's midnight. That's so rude? Is it my neighbour again, that drunkard horny bastard. If he's not fucking someone, he would be like this, banging someone's door, drunk.
I was about to jump off the bed until the doorknob suddenly moved around as if someone was trying to open it.
I stopped moving, reflecting on the situation. It was as if the time was getting slower, and the whole room filled with the clicking sound and my heart started to beat faster.
What is this? What the fuck? I attempt to move but stop again when I heard the voice.
"Maddie. Open the door."
As the voice entered my ears, my whole world stopped moving. My heart, my breath, my brain. And for twenty seconds, I held my breath and slowly stood up and moved under the dining table and hugged my legs. Shaking. Hugging and curling myself, as if that would protect me. Maybe I just hearing things. Yeah, maybe I just...
I can hear him knocking again.
"Maddie, I know you're inside."
That voice. A very familiar voice. A voice that I will never forget. The amount of disgust and fear mixed up as the whole of my body started to tremble. Why is he here? My shaky hands slowly covered my ears.
"Open the door, Maddie!" He knocked on the door and tried to open it again. "Let me in!"
I scooted under the table even more and held my breath.
"Maddie!" He called. Knocking the door like a gentleman. I muffled my sound, and he started to bang the door. Deep in my heart, I hope one of my neighbours stop him. Anyone, just someone. I'm scared he would break into my house.
And he finally stopped.
One minute.
Five minutes.
Twenty minutes.
Forty-five minutes.
I glanced at the doorway. It's so quiet now. Is he gone? Is he? I wait for some more time, and I can't hear anything except dogs barking.
I slowly crawled out from the table and glanced at the door. Still quiet. I slowly crawled, reaching for my bag.
"Ah, I found you."
I stopped moving, all of my body stiffen and my heart once again stopped beating. No. It's wrong, it feels like it's stopped beating but the actuality is, it's beating hard as if it's almost coming out from my mouth. Cold sweat drops to the floor and I can't bear myself to lift my eyes off the floor. I saw the brown shoes in front of and he crouched down, patting my head. Like a dog. A stray dog. He patted me like that.
No…
My eyes started to burn as I could hear him laughing. I felt humiliated. Disgusted. Fear. Even the deepest memories that never shows up in my dream crawled out and plays in my brain like broken cassettes.
He tapped his fingers on the floor. And that finger slowly moved to my chin and he lifted my head with a single finger.
I was forced to look at him and he sneered at me, quickly, I averted my eyes off him. It's disgusting.
"I found you. And how funny, it's still the same house as before," he smirked and I gasped for air.
I can't breathe!
"You should move out if you hate me that much...but I guess it's the other way around, hm? You're waiting for me." It's not a question, more like a false statement that he think it's true.
"Perhaps, you miss me too, yes?"
Help!
Someone!
Help me!
I burst into tears and I'm choking. It was as if I was drowning. I cried hysterically and he smiled, wiping my tears off my face.
Someone, please…
God! Please.
"You can't run away from me, Maddie. It's either I will pick you up or you will come back, crawling to me."
-------
I started with my own hands. It's shaking. I slowly removed my blankets from me. And I unbuttoned Ayden's clothes from me and checked myself Nothing happened. Nothing happened. I'm clean.
Is it a dream? Just a dream?
I'm so tired of this. I laughed. And laughed and laughed. And tears fall.
"What did I do that I deserved this? What did I ever do? What did I do?!" I asked nobody. And tears stream down from my eyes.
"I'm sick of this. Just kill me already." I muttered. I curled myself as my heart aching so badly and I kept weeping and hoping that the pain would go away.
"I just want to be happy, and I want to sleep, I'm tired. I just...want to feel less pain." I sobbed, and my whole body is aching, shaking and I'm tired. "Did you hear me? I just want this pain to stop! Help me! If you heard me, anyone! Help me. I'm just so tired."
"It's hurt so bad, my head hurt so bad, it feels like it explodes! My heart, I can't feel it anymore. I just want to have a good sleep, for once. A deep good sleep, without a nightmare. God! Hear me out...please. Please...if you going to make me suffered like this, just kill me then."
I cried, begging, pleading, asking. I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm so damn tired.
"Would it be better if I just die?" I sat up and slowly got out of bed. I went to the kitchen, staring at the knife. It would end, as soon as I stabbed my vitality, right? Or maybe I should stab my own heart. Or maybe my head?
If I die, the pain will eventually die too. No more pain.
Ah...I don't care anymore. I'm exhausted.
With a shaky hand, I hold the knife. I held it near my neck where my pulse was beating. And I closed my eyes.
It will end soon.
I can feel the skin cut and a drip falling. A little bit more...a bit more...deeper.
But why did I see his face, smiling all wide, showing off his dimple? The voice, calling my name sweetly, as he looked at me with gentle eyes.
And I saw Jade and Diana's, mourning over me. The agony. The pain I cause to them would be greater than what I felt now.
My heart is aching even more.
I slowly sat down and leaned my back to the worktop, putting down the knife and grabbed my hair with both of my hands. I can't do it. I'm fucking can't do it. I can't even commit to one thing, I can't even take my own life.
What if I bring pain to them? I don't want that.
What if I hurt them?
And leaving them hanging with grief and agony? A never-ending heartbreak? Who am I to be the cause of their heartbreak? Why am I being such a burden?
I can't do it.
"Maddison!" I turned my head to my left. A tall figure, crouching down in front of me, clasped my neck with one hand and his other hand took off his jacket and pressed it to my neck. He's shaking.
"What the fuck are you doing, baby?" he harshly asked, and I could see his eyes start to tear. Trembling.
"Ayden…" I looked at him, caressing his face with my hand, and I realised that I smeared his face with my ruby metallic blood.
"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here. I'm here for you, baby…" his voice is shaking.
"I'm sorry…it's hurt, I just want it to stop."
"Baby, look at me." He cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. "You will be fine, I will help you." And he leaned forward and lifted me, hurriedly stepping outside of the house.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head to his chest, hearing his heartbeat, that thumping hard. And I see black, drifting off from the world. It's so cold, yet so warm. I could hear a faint noise but I'm tired.
And I've seen the most beautiful dream I ever had. It's just a wide-open sunflower field, as I wore a cream summer dress and he was there, wearing the same colour shirt, taking a photo of the scenery. And Jade and Diana are there too. With their beautiful children, one boy and one girl, playing tag.
It's so bright. It's so cheerful. It's beautiful as the sunset decorating the sky, and the colour is just warm and the laughter that fills my ears.
Is this what I want? Is this my subconscious mind, or perhaps this is what I dream my life would be?
The scenery, the sounds, the people. I want that.
I want to be there.
Can I make this a purpose of my life? I have none before, but can I make this as hope and my goals of life. To have a happy family like this?
I stared at the back of the tall figure as the wind blew, he turned around and smiled at me widely. It's so beautiful. It's precious.
And I realised that I love him so much to the point that I dream of this right now.
I slowly opened my eyes and covered my eyes with my backhand, that's so bright. Where am I? I glanced at my hand, there is a soft needle that is attached to a soft tube, stuck inside my skin.
"Baby?" I removed my hand and looked at my side, the man I love. He's there. By my side. Like he always does. He looked so worried. And there's a cut on his lips and a bruise on his face. I frowned.
his eyes are watery, red. He stood up and came closer, rubbing my face softly. He kissed my forehead softly and looked deep inside my eyes. Searching for me, conscious me. Not the one who drowns inside the past. The one that loves him.
"Never do that again!" He frowned as his tears fell on my face. "You should tell me if you feel sad or scared or you're in pain! You can do anything to me to make you forget about it but never hurt yourself, Maddison. Please don't harm yourself, darling. Please, I beg you. I'm here for you, I will do anything for you, I will even take a bullet for you, I will jump in front of the train for you, so please sweetheart."
He bumped his forehead with mine.
"Call me when you need me. I will come for you. I will be here for you. I am always here for you." he said with his hoarse voice, shaking.
"What happened to your face?" I asked and rubbed his face.
"Promise me, Maddison. Never do that again. Please...I'm so scared…" he hugged me tightly, and I could hear him sobbing. He's shaking and I cried too. This is the very first time I ever saw him like this. It hurts my heart, even more to the point I'm choking. I've hurt him, was I? And to think if that I almost cut my neck, and if I stabbed the knife even more, deeper, will he cry like this, or perhaps, he will mourn in a whole lot of agony, because it will break me, even more, to see him in pain.
"I'm sorry…" I muttered, sobbing.
"Please know that I'm here for you, and will do anything and everything for you. I will die for you if you want me to. Hurt me instead but not yourself. Please!"
"I'm sorry." I cried even harder, my throat.
"No, baby...I'm sorry. I'm an idiot who doesn't know that you're hurting inside and leaves you alone instead. I'm a foolish man, but baby...I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Please know that...I love you so bad that I can live without you. I can't even imagine a life without you, Maddison."
"I'm sorry that I make you worry." I pushed him a little so I could see his face. I wipe his tears off. What happened to his face?
"Who did it?" I asked him and he smiled at me. "Who did this to you? Did someone hurt you?"
"No one…" he said, as his eyes lowered to my neck. "Did you have another nightmare?"
I looked down and nodded. He looked so sombre.
"Can you tell me? About it?"
I closed my eyes. And he held my hands tight as if he was telling me that it's fine to tell him about it. It feels like he is sending some strength to me.
"I dream...that he was there, hunting me down, he said that I can't run away from him. It feels so real. And when I woke up, I was in pain. Unbearing and miserably painful. My body is aching and so is my heart. And my head is throbbing. And I'm scared. It's painful and I can't breathe and I just…" I started to cry again. And goosebump rose and the chill caught my nerve. I am shaking hopelessly.
I am hopeless and pathetic.
"Maddison, look at me." I slowly looked up and stared at his deep silver eyes. "It's fine. I will be here. No one can hurt you when I'm with you. I won't leave your side, and no one will come near you as long as I'm alive. I swear, and I will make you forget about the pain, but I need you to promise me that you promise yourself to help yourself too."
He caresses my cheeks with a weak smile.
" This is your fight, baby. I can help you, and I will do anything to help you, but you need to help yourself too. It's between you and yourself. In this fight, you need to fight your inner self, your past, the fear, and the misery. All of the agonies, if it's too much, you can always share it with me. I will be here to help you. But you need to know that your inner battle is yours to fight, I can give you all of my strength but only you can change the consequence. The outcome, the aftermath. Promise me that you will fight for your happiness. And I will be here, baby girl, to be your shield, knight, your strength. Use me. Use me...baby...please."
I averted my eyes and muffled my voice. And he cupped my face again to face him. He smiled wider.
"That doesn't mean you can't cry, let it out. Cry, scream, because that doesn't make you weak, not even the slightest. Just cry if it's too hard, but don't give up. At least for me."
I nodded slowly, letting out my voice and cried harder.
"I'm scared...I'm sorry…"
"You don't need to apologise to me, baby. I'm here, Maddison, and I promise you, that I will protect you, and I will stay by your side. I will chase away your nightmare, and protect you. I promise you." He hugged me tighter.
It's warm. It's comfortable. I'm not alone. I have him. I have Jade, I have Diana. And that's enough. I'm being wholly foolish. I'm being a fool. I never see that I am loved by everyone around me even if it's a small circle.
I cried again, and this time, because I regretted how to fool I am to ever think that I'm alone. When they are always here for me, care for me and love me.