"Aling Rosa," I called her.
I want to weep because of the guilt which I felt I really like to say I'm not even at fault, that I'm not at fault, but no matter what I do, it's still my fault. I didn't mean it, I didn't realize the medicine I was giving to her is for the stomach, I figured it wasn't for fever, cold, and cough.
My conscience is eating me, it's my fault why she's there in the hospital, on why her illness got worst—if I just gave her the right medicine her condition wouldn't worsen. That simple cough, it could be treated immediately, that simple cold could also be treated immediately, and that simple fever could also be treated.
If only I knew about stuff, I hope it didn't lead to a situation such as this one, like, it will not ended up getting worse.
I'm studying, but why don't I know the simple thing? Simple medicine—I didn't know. Do I know that medicine have a meaning that they're all have a stands for.
"Why?"
"I didn't mean it, really..." I said in a low voice.
"You're not in fault." she's trying to cheer me up.
"But... it's my fault,my fault." suddenly my tear fell.
She comes near behind me and then stroked my back, calming me down. "You're not at fault, it's just an accident. I am supposed to think about all of that, because I didn't bother to look about your sister's condition, and that's happened. I shouldn't have gone to town first to buy the supplies here in the kitchen."
"Aling Rosa, I'm afraid... what if the medicine I gave her has a side effect?" my voice trembled.
I feel the big sin I have done.
Just this afternoon I heard what happened to her that the medicine I was giving was wrong so instead of being healed, it only got worse and it was because of me. I ruined the health of my older sister.
Bioflu became Buscopan.
"Yaya Julie, they're not going home yet?" the next day, I asked her.
"Uh... Ma'am, they're not back yet—just ask Aling Rosa, because she's the one who speaks to Ma'am often." she excused herself.
"Oh... ok," I just breathe deeply.
Instead of eating breakfast, I just went back to my room to sleep again. I don't really have an appetite, if I eat, I might have been an idiot at the dining table.
'It's all my fault,'
I looked at the clouds that covered the tree because they were dusky, not too much, just enough not to see the sunlight.
There was a sudden knock on the door that I ignored. "Stacia.... stacia... you're not going to eat? The food on the table is going to be cold, get down there—eat your breakfast." she shouted out of the room.
With the back of my hand, I wiped away the tears that had been flowing as I gazed at the clouds. I really can't accept that I'm the reason that she had to be admitted to the hospital for days. I know I didn't mean what happened, but I just can't help but think I'm still to blame.
"Later, I was still sleepy, Aling Rosa." I shouted back.
Seconds had been passed before I heard her footsteps fading away. I cannot eat properly not until I have a single idea on her condition right now.
Gradually, the guilt consumes all of me, stating that it really is mine fault that I should be there, and not her—that I should blamed be blamed for what has happened.
I tweak my own hair. "Argh! Why did I give it instead of Bioflu?!"
I'm afraid not of myself, but of her.
It's been two or three weeks but she's still not home—both of them. There's not a day that I feel the worry or regret about it. I know they don't blame me for what happened, but I—I know what I did is wrong, so wrong.
"It's all my fault and I feel guilty about it." I whispered under the night.
Sadly, I watched the moon dance with the clouds and the stars. The form of its circle looked far away, but looking at it tried to remove a little of the emotion I was feeling.
Although I don't see the sun, I see the moon every day. Perhaps my sun is a moon, and even if I can't see that thing, it will show me how beautiful the moon is. But I can't help but wonder what the sun looks like, maybe in the shows that I've watched the sun can hurt the eyes because of it's too much brightness.
My conscience didn't let me fall asleep so my eyes were wide open until morning, and all the time I was awake because it was my guilt. Not even a single nap!
I might have done very much reason why it didn't let me to fall asleep. When I looked at the mirror my eyebags are spacious, I sighed deeply—helpless.
Guilt are eating me. And I don't know how to erase and replace it!
I was actually eating breakfast so they weren't going to be worried too much about me—not wanting to keep up with the problem. I don't have any news about her condition now. If she's all right—simple questions that are easy to answer.
"Oh... why are you gawk in there? You've been eating that a little while ago, but you haven't finished yet," Yaya Anny said when she saw me on the dining table.
I looked at her in surprise, grimace. "Uh... sorry,"
Just after I finished my meal, I decided to entertain myself while watching Netflix. I was searching for something to watch there when I noticed a Korean Drama called "The Legend Of The Blue Sea".
In the picture shown, there is a white-haired man who is quite tall, with a messy hair that fits his face—the build of his body is fine, like, he did some exercises. And the woman behind him has a blue tail, if you think of it as a fish, but there's something to call it—Mermaid! A mermaid, she's got a noal on her nose, she's also have a white skin, and her hair's a little messy, but it suits her.
'Maybe this is when you are Koreano or Koreana. Skinny and the white skin is all normal,"
Compared to me, they are whiter than I am, my whiteness is only moderate, unlike them, as if they were bathed in a bottle of milk.
At first, I thought there was no English subtitle, but there it was. I didn't made a mistake to watch it because from the very beginning the plot, story rather went well. Where the woman came in the world of people's. After that, she, then met a man, unexpectedly. It's a mixed story where a mystery and romance are all in mixed. Some funny scenes, bleak, and a little scenes of killing.
I've finished from beginning to end, unrepentant to watch and complete because you're going to be satisfied in the end.
It's worth to watched and to finished the whole episodes.
So satisfying.
"Ma'am," I heard Yaya Anny.
Suddenly, I turned to the door where Yaya Anny talking to Momma. I was surprised then suddenly I ran to her immediately, then hugged her, and she was startled at what I did, but later on she regained, and she hugged me, too.
I smiled and gazing up at her. Her entire face reveals exhaustion and lack of sleep due to the size of her eyebags.
"Momma are you ok?" I asked in a worried voice.
She forced a smile. "Of course my dear, Momma is ok—how about you? Aren't you naughty and hard-headed at home?" she asked in a strict voice.
I smiled and shook my head. "No, Momma... you know me, I'm a good girl," I laugh a bit.
"That's good to hear,"
I suddenly remember my sister. "Momma, how is she? Is she fine?"
She nodded. "Uhm..."
"I want to see her, Momma,"
"Children are not allowed in the Hospital and you might get there ill,"
I then pouted my lips.
She turned her head to her. "Yaya Anny, I'll just take a shower. Please, prepare the things that I'm going to bring, thanks." she said.
"Momma, your leaving again?"
"Yes, your sister needs me. Maidens and Aling Rosa are here to take care of you—I'm going to take a shower first." then she immediately went upstairs where her room was. My shoulders dropped as I looked at her and followed her.
I'll admit that I somehow enjoyed watching, but after I saw her haste, it was as if she was chasing something important that couldn't be postponed.
Suddenly, I felt the remorse that I've always felt. Maybe the feeling disappeared earlier—just came back because I could see her behavior, the way she acts it.
She said she was all fine, but why doesn't what I see seem to be? That she's hiding something from me, and I want to know what it's like, because I'm to blame for everything.
"Guilt are eating the entire of me, this is all my fault. None other than me,"