Xavier
I can't help but be intrigued at the sight of Eri kissing someone with the same shirt as me. My eyes traveled to the car that just left. If I'm not mistaken it's Nick's car. I didn't want to think bad of Eri but I'm not that dumb to think that she's not up to something.
I coughed to get her attention, and they both stop kissing and look towards me. I can't help but to furrow my brows as I tried to hide my anger.
"Xavier let me explain, I was kinda of drunk and got caught up in the moment," she explained. I guess she didn't get what I mean.
"Really Ericka?" I heard the man hissed out of frustration and left.
"Don't be jealous Xavier, I was-- "
I cut her off before she misunderstand anything.
"Really Eri, you did stoop this low?"
"What do you mean?" she asked as if she knew nothing.
"The car that just left is Nick's. These clothes you gave me, you asked me to wear this. I know you let them see you kissing someone. Gab saw me tonight, it's too obvious that you wanted her to think that I was kissing you."
"But, she already have Nick. Why can't you just love me instead of her?" She asked.
"You know I don't like you, right?"
"I don't plan on loving anyone else, I belong to Gab, only Gab," I told her.
"She already have Nick, how many times do I have to tell you?" she insisted.
"For now, but I'm going to steal her back. I was not given a second chance to live just to let her slip away, " I said.
I went inside my car and drove it. While she was left there standing in awe.
***
Just when everything is going the right way, problems suddenly emerges. Why does it have to be like that?
"I regret to inform you,, but the results of the lab test is all positive. You're diagnosed with hodgkin lymphoma."
"What is that?" I ask with confusion.
"Lymphomas are cancers that start in white blood cells called lymphocytes."
The doctor is talking more about it but I can't hear him anymore. I was preoccupied with the word he said, cancer and I have it.
"Do you know what stage it is?" I asked.
"It's already in stage three," the doctor answered.
Shit!
I felt my knees go weak as I sit. I felt like all the blood in my body was drained. How should I deal with this?
How would I say this to Gab, I promised her that I will never leave her alone. I promised that we will face her fears together.
***
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, Doc."
I refused to undergo chemotherapy, I know the side effects of conventional, I chose alternative modalities. I want to live life as normal as possible. I don't want them to see me withering.
I didn't inform anyone about my condition, not even Gab.
I know I'm being unfair by keeping it from Gab.
I tried so many times to break the news to her. But every time I get the chance to tell her my condition, I back out. I'm scared to see that those smiles and laughter will turn to tears and sadness.
I'm not brave, I'm a wimp.
But as they say, you can't keep a secret forever.
***
There was something about that day. I felt like it will be my last day with Gab.
I invited her to the park and sat on a bench. I know she is wondering why, I can see through her facial expression.
"Bakit tayo nandito?" she asked, finally.
"Because this is where you acknowledge your feelings for me," I answered.
"Na muntik mo nang ma misinterpret, kung di lang kita hinabol." I know there is sarcasm in her voice.
"What urge you to come after me?" I don't remember asking her about it.
"To tell you honestly, I was scared of everything, I tried shrugging my feelings off but seeing you walk away with the sadness in your eyes, made my heart ache. I wouldn't be hurt seeing you turn your back at me if I don't have feelings for you," she said and I could feel her sincerity.
"You love me that much? for you to face your fears?" I asked. I don't know how to react.
"Yes, because I know I'm going to face them with you," she said.
It broke my heart, I know I will only have few days to spend with her.
I just grabbed her arm and pulled her towards me. I hugged her tightly as if it will be the last, then she hugged me back. I was rubbing my hands against her back and kissed the top of her head. It's my way of saying everything will be fine when I'm gone.
We stayed like that until I let her go. I saw uneasiness in her eyes.
"It's getting late I'll walk you home." I told her.
I was holding her hand with our fingers intertwined, I was holding it tightly and I look at her memorizing her every feature.
"Xi, pag ikaw natalisod sa kakatingin mo sa akin, ewan ko na lang," she said worriedly.
"I just want to look at your face longer," I said. Her face is the last thing I want to remember before I die.
"Ewan ko sayo, lakas man trip," trying to divert the topic.
"I miss you," I said. What I wanted to say was I'll miss her.
"Haay naku Xi, gusto mo ibulsa kita para di mo ko ma miss?" she offered.
I would love too, but she can't.
"As if you can fit me inside your pocket." I just smiled.
"Impakto ka talaga," she said irritated.
Once we were outside their home. I struggled to loosen my grip on her hand. Once I let it go, I felt like it would be the last. We stayed there standing while facing each other.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked.
"Ha? sira ulo ka! ano to landian sa daan?"
"Just answer me," It was a demand.
She was reluctant but then she nodded as an agreement.
I cupped her cheeks with both hands. I kiss her forehead as a sign of respect for her. I kiss the tip of her nose as a sign of my adoration for her. I grab her hands and kissed her knuckles and my lips reached for her. It was short but it was full of love and affection. We pulled away from each other, my eyes was not leaving hers.
"Go in," I told her.
"Hindi, mauna ka na," she refused.
"I don't want you to see me turn my back at you," I told her.
"Haay naku! sige na nga, Ingat ka," she said feeling defeated and went inside.
I turned my back and started to weep. I don't know why, but I felt like my heart is being crushed. I walked back to the park and sat on the bench where Gab and I sat earlier as if she was sitting with me. I realized that I can't just die leaving her clueless. I don't know why, but it was a heavy feeling.
I made up my mind, I need to tell her about my condition. I stood up but before I take my first step I felt my body lose it's strength until I'm laying on the ground. I struggled to move, even breathing was hard.
Everything went blurry and somewhat turned to darkness.
***
I scrunched my eyes from the light that is sipping through my closed eyelids. I felt heavy I can't even move my hand. I struggled to open my eyes and when I din I squinted my eyes from the light. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light I started to see where, am I exactly. Then I started to hear a beeping sound I didn't realize, I loss my sense of hearing a while ago.
What happened? Why am I here?
I stared at the ceiling trying to remember.
I recalled falling on the ground before I could even take a step.
'Gab' I need to see her.
I struggled to utter words. That's when I realize that I was wearing an oxygen mask.
I could see my mother sleeping on the sofa.
"Ma," I muttured, I don't even know if they heard a sound coming from me.
I heard the door open, and saw my younger sister coming in.
I can't hear what she said clearly.
My eyes met hers she hurriedly woke our mom. Never leaving her sight on me.
Mom was shocked and run towards me, asking me things I couldn't understand. I can't remember what.
I saw my sister left the room. She came back, with a doctor and a nurse.
They started checking my vitals. This is gonna be a long day, when will I be able to control of my body.
I just stared blankly, probably they know about my condition. I'm not that close to my family but I could feel they're worried about me.
They replaced the oxygen mask with a nasal cannula for me to be able to talk better. They adjusted my hospital bed so I could sit. When the doctor and the nurse left my mother and sister approached me and both hugged me.
They both started to cry, as if I came back from the dead. That's when I realized that maybe I did.
"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your mom," she asked.
I felt guilty.
"I'm sorry," I muttered.
"I will never know you're condition, until somebody found you unconsciously laying on the ground."
"Kuya, bakit ka ganyan? We are still family right. We may not in the same house but we are family and we love you."
"I love you too, Xindy." I softly patted her head.
"How about me?" my mom asked as if sulking.
"I love you too mom," I smiled.
"I'm so glad kuya you're awake, you've been unconscious for a week,"
That long?
"Now we could fly to US and we'll have you treated their," Mom said.
I creased my brows as a sign of disagreement.
"Xavier, please don't protest. Now that we know you're condition. We can't just sit around, do nothing and let you're illness consume you." I saw her holding back her tears.
I couldn't break her heart anymore, I've done enough.
I was about to ask for my phone, When my dad came to my room and walk towards my hospital bed. He was panting he managed to hug me.
"Where did you inherit such stubbornness?" he asked.
I chuckled. My dad is not usually like this. He gets pissed when things gets out of hand.He let go of me.
"We'll leave for US tomorrow. You must focus on your medication. I arranged everything in the office. I assigned Nick in your position. You're secretary will be there to assist him. If you badly want to go to work you should recover soon."
I couldn't protest, but I wanted to talk to Gab I need to say goodbye at least.
"Where's my phone?" I asked them.
"It was not with you when we checked," my sister answered.
Oh shit!
"Can I borrow you're phone?" I asked her.
" Who will you call?" My sister asked.
I don't want to explain it to them. I kept my lovelife private, real private.
"Ughh nevermind."
"Do you have a girlfriend Xavier?" My mom asked this time.
I kept quiet.
"You should tell her our plan, don't make her wait for you son." My dad tap my shoulders.
I nodded, before I fall to sleep I remembered what my dad said.
He is right, I shouldn't make Gab wait for me. I don't even know what the future holds. I don't know when will I recover or worst I might die in the process. I burst into tears again.
I don't know what's happening to Gab right now. I know she's worried not receiving any calls or message from me. She might think I just left her for know reason. I wanted to see her, but I couldn't. I don't want her to hold on to my promises. Maybe it's better if she thinks I'll never come, so incase I die, she already moved on. Imagining her with someone else makes my heartache. Imagining her laughing and smiling brings bolts of pain in my chest making it heart to breathe. Imagining her loving someone else makes me want to die for real.
But a part of me wishes that incase I'd live she's still there waiting for me. Loving me still even if a left without explanation.
***
I thought everything will be okay when we left and started my medication in the US, unfortunately it's worst.
The side effects of chemotherapy, is unimaginable it made me weak, I lose my hair, it made me weak. Even eating is painful. I had always had infections after because my immune system weakened. There's a week that I'm okay the next week I'm the ICU. It made me want to quit and wished I'd die already.
What kept me holding on to life is Gab. Badly wanting to see Gab's face, and hearing her laugh again made me live.
***
Three years had passed, I waited for 3 years to see her again.
After 2 years with God's Grace I recovered but my body still needs to recover from the weight loss. And I still need to be monitored.
I was walking towards the meeting hall when I unexpectedly saw her we were both shocked based on our reaction when I recovered and about to talk. When Nick held her hand trying to say Gab is his now.
"Let's go inside dear," he said and helped Gab inside the meeting room.
I could feel my jaw tensed. I was jealous.
The announcement has made my father made me the CEO of the company I'm amazed that no one has a clue about my condition. But the whole time I was looking at Gab. She changed she's already wearing make-up and decent clothes. She was uneasy the whole meeting like she wants to leave immediately.
I asked Nick and Gab to stay. There hands is still holding each other and I don't like it.
"How are you guys, so you are finally together I see?" he is wearing a smirk in my face.
"We are both okay, How about you?" Gab answered. I could feel that she's struggling.
"I'm doing great it's nice to be back, did you miss me?" I asked.
I know I'm being an arse but looking at the ring in her hand made me react like this. She smiled, but her eyes weren't happy. It was full of anger, uneasiness, and fear. She removed her hands from Nick, and walk towards me.
"Welcome back, I missed you to much that I can't wait to give you that punch,"
The next thing I know she was hurriedly running outside after her fist reached my face.
"That's a well deserved punch, does it hurt? Mas masakit pa rin ang ginawa mo sa kanya," Nick speak with dismay and followed Gab.
I just stood there, contemplating on my actions. I should not let our first meeting end that way. What did I just do, I left the room and started looking for her.
I did find her, I could see redness in her eyes. I know she just cried was she too upset I acted that way? I was about to walk towards her when Nick came.
He said something that made her smile. Then he kissed her hand. I clenched my fists out of jealousy but I couldn't do something. Feeling defeated I walked away from them.
Later that day I was just sitting on the sofa watching on TV when my doorbell rang. I stood up and opened the door. I was shocked seeing Gab in my front door. I was staring the whole she was looking down and can't see me. I could just grab her inside my house, but that's not good.
"Goodevening, kami yung kapitbahay niyo sa tapat. Nagluto ang kuya ko ng ulam pa-welcome raw," she started.
"Goofy mag-behave ka nga!"she was trying to calm her dog.
He's been a good boy for taking care of Gab.
"I think he wants to play," I said as I sit and pet him.
"Pasensya na baka excited lang siya," she explained.
"It's okay, I guess he missed me," I answered while standing up.
I smiled at her, she was not expecting to see me I could see it through her eyes.
"Binabawi ko na ang pag welcome ko sa'yo, di ka welcome dito." She sound irritated.
The picture of her Nick this morning popped into my thoughts.
"Is that your way of saying sorry for punching me?"
What I wanted to say was I'm sorry.
"No, I don't intend to say sorry for what I did to your face because you deserve that," she said a matter of factly.
"Why do I hear bitterness in your voice," I accused.
Me and my stupid pride acted up again.
"It's not bitterness, it's hatred towards you," she clarified.
It was hate she was feeling, not because she missed me but because she hated me.
"And why do you hate me?" I wanted to know why. I have a guess but I need to her it from her.
"You know what you did, isipin mo kung katanggap-tanggap yun," she said.
"I have my reasons."
"I know you have, but its to late too hear them out," she said as if she really mean it.
" Why? is it because you and Nick are now together?" I asked because I wanted to know.
I was hoping they we're just friends all along.
"Hindi ako estatwa na kapag iniwan mo, andiyan pa rin nakatayo pagbalik mo," she confirmed.
All my hope vanished in an instant. I was fighting for my life to see her again. I wanted to call her but I didn't I'm scared of how she will react. What if's bothered me.
What if she flew to the US and get tired of taking care of me. I don't want to see her cry everytime I had an infection. I don't want her to see me beg her to just kill me because I couldn't bare the pain anymore.
I don't want to lose her love because she got tired of me. I don't want to give her false hopes that I will be okay again when I'm not even sure I will be. What if I died?
It will be harder for her to move on.
I wanted this, for her to move on without thinking of me. That will be easier if she hated me. I know she felt abandoned, she felt alone, she felt miserable, she felt unwanted, and she felt unloved.
I've hurt her too much, why did I expect her to welcome me with open arms after leaving her with no reason.
'I know you have reasons, but it's too late for me to hear them out'
Those words resonated in my head.
Is it really too late?
I asked my self, while I watched her walk away.
***
I drove myself home and as soon as I went out of my car, I went straight to there house. I climbed outside to reach for her room. Like I used to I peeked at her window, but I didn't expect what I saw. I saw her with eyes closed passionately kissing Nick.
I hurriedly descended, and couldn't believe what I saw. I have my heart broken.
Little did I know that having your heart broken wasn't only metaphorical, but realistically bitter and painful in the extreme. My heart might not break for real... but my world did.
< End of Chapter forty-seven >