i want to be king!
here.....
(a week spended just like blink.. when am with him time runs marathon )( i feel wierd guilty mix of emotions when every day I feel him touching my feets and thanking me. i dont worth of this respect )
(i shouldnt but i fall for him more.. i thought him bad but nah his not....the fears i was holding always thinking what if he turn to be bad... what if that one for me not as i wish...i must be crazy to think like that.... my one is just pure i never saw person like him.
whole week he take my care. like mothers care about baby.
he also respect me.. trust me .
yah but their is prevertness exists.. but who dont like cute preverts....he wakeup me, he bring me to ddoctor jin. to chrck on my leg, he keep me with him.
he show every care in actions... and i do like to feel love from actions..instade of words.
taking me college bring me back making food, sometimes tricking me to eat doctorr recommended food. showing little cares... but his actions and whole he scares me good way.. he seems intemediting... i mean look when he glare or stare into eyes.. or i found him staring, his surprise back hugs.. and kisses on cheeks...
his that baring my swag and complete my wishes. acting like parents, sometimes his that clingy quotes.. on me. eveything is just like dream. he has prevert mind.. but as a leady he respect me so much, his keeping tht maids.. and on right problems told thrm to help me. every action of his makr mr more fall for him. no one ever loved me why you do my love no one cares and hate me why you love me? no one try to understand me why you wanna know and understand me? no one want to be with me why you choosing me? ain't you scared of world? it's funny that getting loved finally feels so diffrent. so i desurve this! i must had done something too good to get this love. if its dream just dont wakeup me. let me be in fairytale for moments..
i open eyes.....but i feel heavy pain in abdomen..i close eyes baring all of it... i look around his not here he must be in kitchen.
i get up taking supports (grab pads packet from bag get inside washroom lock door. (ahh its my red days)
i heared door opening sound.
he: angel look what i bring today to ea-he stoped...
he: babe!.. hey girl! were are you!
i hate myself! why i cant do anything bymyself! fu-that perdiod ain and this leg pain, how i suppose to takr anyones help.. i need to do by myself...i changed and again about to stand.. but door opened from outside.
i fall in bathtub behind me. ahhh! why everything happening with me like this.. i close eyes.. bathtub was filled with water.
he try to step towards me with anger but worriedness..
all bad thoughts coming, what if water turn red... what if he pick me in this state..
i scream dont come near me! he take back but again comr close,
little bit water turn red inside bath tub.. i wanted to cry!... as hr grab me i push him side. (he fall down staring at mr shoked (his hand get a wound .)
me: dont help me! i dont need your help! maids! maids! help me!
picking me up... my cloths were wet.
( he stand)
he: babe are you ok-
me: please leave room.
he: but-
me: I SAID LEAVE!. ( he leave room)
i close eyes (tears role down. he leave room shoked sad but angry)
m1: mam are you okey what happen.
m2: dont cry shh!
m1: did he hit you? why water is red. i look down nodding in no.
me: periods occurs... water is red.
if he had pick me you know next...
his a boy...help me. please..
m1: you need to take bath.
m2: i will bring the chair.. bathtub need to be clean. she can takr shower bath right?
m1: yah and i bring pads.
m2: mam lets take off cloths..
i nodded.
m1: you look young. dont be worried. i know it might be embarrassing you let anyone see you even thought we are womans.. but its fine, and natural. okey?
me: dont tell him anything.
m2: as you wish.
they both help me...
m2: take rest we will bring something to eat. i nodded.
(i squize myself as close..
i am worried for next, i shouldnt had shout on him... i know... when my red days occurs, i turn so angry, even humans breaths bother me. as pain increase i turn angry and and scilent.. very scilent.
i avoid everyone around me and if someone come to me i throe all anger on him.. it cause conflits.. and am unable to control over me like demons in my head. still i am most emotional girl on planet on this days.. i will be the one who hurt and feel hurted....AGH! I HATE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM. WHY WHY WHY ON EARTH GOD MAKE ME LIKE THIS!. i start cry... i dont know.... why am even like this.
here...
maids come down. just to found him crying sitting with blanck eyes. he look up at them they takr step back aware if his questions.
he: how's she? everything is right?
did something happen to her?
they nodded in no staring at each others faces.
he: good.. ( he get inside room and saw her crying )
he: babe?
she turn back still lyeing. (his eyes are blanck. i cant define his emotions... everything is mixed.
he come close.
he: lets talk. ( sad voice)
i nodded in no.
he: but i want. (little firem)
me: said na dont.
he:( crushing teeths grab wrist pulling me upbto him) but i wanted to talk. give me answer what i done wrong to behave like that to me.
me: leave my hand ( glaring into his eyes, said in threatening voice, cause my pain increase)
he: ( complete angry voice) i dont!
me: ( crushing teeths still glaring)LEAVE I SAID!
he: TOLD YOU DONT! NOW ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME OR SWEET WAY DONT WORK HUH!.
me: what THE HELL YOU ARE GOING TO DO IF I DONT TELL HUH! JUST GO AWAY I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU! UNDERSTAND! LEAVE!
HE: I WILL CUT THAT TOUNG OF YOURS IF AGAIN DARE TO YELL ON ME! DONT BE SO FISTY! I AM BARING YOU CAUSE I LOVE YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD CROSS YOUR LIMITS
me: WHO'S ASKING YOU TO BARE ME. AND LOVE SOMEONE A GIRL LIKR MR ON EARTH. TOLD YOU DONT FALL FOR ME, ( i push him away from myself he was about to fall from bed. but he balanced himself glaring at me anger in his eyes. )
he: ( grab my brachiums.. pinning me under him in his grips tightly ahh i dont like anyone force on me.. i bite his hand. i getup standing with support ( but he throw flowerpot in anger side loud sound happen which scares me
he: YAH YOU ARE RIGHT! NO ONR CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH GIRL LIKE YOU! I WAS IDIOT! I WAS IDIOT TO FALL AND CARE ABOUT GIRL LIKE YOU! STILL ITS NOT LATE. RIGHT! GARDS WILL DROP YOU BACK THE PLACE.
YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME RIGHT, NOR I WANT TO!
he leave room slaming door behind him that loudly that whole things in room shake.
I fall down crying...i coverd my face with hands sobbing...
here...
his eyes turn teary.
he was crying now... ( he call)
he: hello? were are you?
???: are you crying? wait wht happen buddy?...
he: hum.
???: hey am at home come fast.
he leave while crying.
me: ( crying scilently sobbing,)
me: i shouldnt have done that, why am even like this, i dont want to say something like that... i was so stupid.. i kick bed... leg pain... i Yelp still crying more.. i hate myself, everyone hate me, now he to hate me, i never desurve love, why i was dreaming, he was right no one can love ever girl like me, why even am like this... ahhh..
suddenly door knoked.
gard: lets go mam. its order.
he gentaly grab my hand making me stand
but i push him.
me: i dont!
gard: mam its order.
me: i said i dont! leqve room before i cut my wrist!
gard: mam but-
me: but what huh
gard: ( grab me on shoulder throwing piece side )
order is order sir said..
me: put me down thats what your sir wanted huh. what he said.
he put me down.
me: what he said he never want to see me. he hate me huh,
gard look down nodding in yes. fine you dont need to drop. i can go by myself. all hr want that i dont stay here right!
gard: but mam
me: what he said exact i want to hear.
gard: mam sir said, he dont love you. he dont want to see you, nor he want you to stay here! he side me take her away. before he come.
i was about to fall but gard grab me.
me: as his wish. now I am free right?.. no one is there remains. tear fall down.
me: i will go myself bye.
gard: mam you are unable to walk let me help you.
me: WHO AR YOU TO CARE!
i said walking baring all the pain..
m1: mam.. stop your leg is bleeding
me: FUCK OFF! ahh.. oh ok let it be then
m2: mam were you are going
me: dont know. but not here.
i leave.
m2: mam this is not right time to go anywere that pain this pain.. please stay
me: i dont.. all i matter is this heart pain. i cant kill this heart.
m2: then get back to your friends mam.. can i come?
me:no need.
i start walk out. baring all pain who seems nothing compare to heart.