"The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions" – Dwight D. Eisenhower
September 26th 2013; 11:17am
I pulled my shawl tighter around my shoulders and smoothed down my wig as its strands were scattered because of the strong winds outside.
"Shay," I heard my name and automatically turned around, stuffing my hands in the pocket of the black hoodie I was wearing.
Rain, as usual, looked completely unfazed by the crazy winds she had just faced. Her plaid skirt was neatly in place, as was every strand of the shiny red bob on her head; she was wearing knee-length socks and a white silk blouse.
She looked like the perfect school girl.
I smiled. "Hey"
Rain smiled and hooked her arm through mine. I sighed and glanced at her with a smile, loving the familiar feel of her next to me. I had missed the company of Angel and Rain more than I knew.
Together, we walked down the hallway towards her next class.
"What's up?" she asked, glancing at me before adjusting her bag over her shoulder. I smiled and focused my attention on her.
"I'm supposed to meet up with Avian."
Late students raced to their classes and bumped shoulders with Rain and I, quickly apologizing before running off; others just chilled, leaning on lockers and chatting with friends.
They weren't staring at me and whispering. It felt good.
"Oh right, the supposed boy toy"
I just rolled my eyes and smiled, not even bothering to reply because I would only get teased some more.
"What's he like?"
I thought hard about the question, peeking to see if Rain noticed my hesitation in answering.
What was Avian like?
How was I meant to answer that? Avian was my escape and he made me feel like everything would be okay, even if I knew that it wouldn't be.
Did that sound cliché or not?
Alex flashed through my head and I groaned inwardly, trying to suppress my conscience that was subtly reminding me of the strong feelings that remained for my ex-boyfriend.
Rain nodded, as though she knew the reason for my silence.
"That bad, huh?"
My cheeks flushed even though I hadn't been thinking about what she thought I had been thinking, and I knew that she would be frustrated with me if she did know what I was thinking.
She laughed softly, shaking her head with a smile.
Naturally, that only caused my cheeks to flush a deeper shade of red.
"Shut up" I muttered, which only earned me a chuckle from her.
We were quiet as I walked her to her next class, Rain smiling quietly to herself but I was thinking deeply about what she had just said.
What did she mean by "that bad huh?"
I just met Avian, so it was next to impossible to have any strong emotional feelings towards him.
Or wasn't it?
I had always been the one that rolled my eyes when girls gossiped about boys they had just met, and how in love they were with them.
I mean, what kind of desperate girl falls in love with a boy after one conversation?
It was physically impossible and most of these girls were delusional most of the time.
Most of the time.
The other remaining percentage-based their feelings on 'love at first sight'. I think it's a myth.
The thing was, as I thought more and more about Avian and whatever the weird feelings I experienced meant in regards to him, the more I was reconsidering my theories about love and whatnot.
Alex flashed through my head again.
When we got to her accounting class, Rain turned to look at me.
"I'm happy for you," she said with a small smile "only if he's everything you think he is."
"I think so" I muttered, giving her a small smile. I sighed and glanced away from her, before murmuring "I hope so" to myself.
I wasn't sure if Rain heard the last bit but if she did, she didn't say anything. Instead, she smiled and nodded, before gazing absentmindedly over my shoulder.
"What about Alex?" Rain asked suddenly with a sad look.
I looked at her in confusion, until she jutted her chin towards someone behind me, so I followed her gaze and turned around.
Alex stood on the other side of the hallway, leaning against a row of lockers with his hands in his pockets. He was casually chatting with some of the guys on the football team and when he threw his head back and laughed at something Tony had said, a massive wave of guilt ran through me. I stared at Alex.
He was smiling carelessly, before saying something to Tony and scratching the back of his neck; in response, my heart clenched.
I slowly turned back to Rain.
"What about Alex?" I asked reluctantly, silently willing her to just forget about this conversation and get into her class.
She looked at me and sighed, before pushing her bangs out of her face with her fingers.
"You dumped him out of the blue," she shrugged with a sigh, "he thinks he did something wrong."
I groaned inwardly and let out a low sigh, before turning around and moving to stand next to Rain, instead of in front of her.
We both gazed at Alex.
"I understand you might have moved on but he hasn't."
"I haven't moved on per se."
Rain turned to me, wondering what I was on about, but I couldn't answer that question. I had yet to sort out my feelings for him myself, so it would be kind of hard to explain them to someone else.
"We broke up," I shrugged, slowly glancing back at Alex "there's nothing there."
Instead of nodding and mindlessly agreeing with me, she gave me a 'you're so clueless' expression.
"He's still in love with you and it's eating him up."
"How do you know?" I asked, crossing my arms against my chest.
"He's still my best friend Shay," she said matter-of-factly.
"Right," I muttered and turned my attention back to Alex "I just couldn't handle the questions, so I broke up with him."
"Do you still love him?"
"Maybe not love," I sighed and repositioned my bag on my shoulder "or maybe love, I don't know."
Rain nodded but didn't say anything, silently waiting for me to continue. I sighed and cursed inwardly.
She couldn't just leave the matter alone
"I care about him a lot but I don't think I'm ready to have that sort of talk with him yet," I said and avoided her eye. She was silent so I blew a strand of hair from my face and looked at her pointedly "Then there's Avian."
"Do you love him?"
"Who, Avian?"
"No, my grandpa" Rain said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and shifted my weight from one leg to the other. She raised her eyebrows emphatically, impatiently awaiting my reply.
I scoffed and crossed my hands over my chest.
"I can't love him, I just met him," I said and she stared at me as though she didn't believe a word that was coming out of my mouth "I mean, I admit that I have clear feelings for him."
"You do?"
"I guess, but not love. At least not yet."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, when he held my hand, I got butterflies."
"He held your hand?"
I groaned and snapped my fingers, asking her to pay attention and stop sidetracking.
"Sorry" she muttered with a cheeky smile, shifting the bag dangling from her shoulder.
I laughed softly, and then sighed before biting my lip nervously.
"Yeah, I like Avian and I may or may not love Alex," I said and groaned, realizing just how deep I had fallen.
Why couldn't I just have feelings for one person?
I had been fine being confused about my feelings for Alex, and then Avian had to show up with the really stupid cheeky smile and the habit of saving my drunken ass off the side of a grocery store.
I groaned and turned my attention back to Rain.
"What's wrong with me?"
Rain laughed, shaking her head in an 'I give up on you' fashion. I groaned and glanced briefly at Alex,
"There's nothing wrong with you, you're just confused."
I turned back to my best friend and frowned.
"Yeah well, I hate it"
"Of course you do," Rain said, rubbing my arm comfortingly "just know that whoever you choose, I'll support you"
I nodded with a smile.
"Thanks"
She hugged me then, totally taking me by surprise.
It took my brain a few seconds to register this action and to remember the familiarity of her hugs, before I returned the hug.
"I'm going to be late," she said eventually as she pulled away, a satisfied smile on her face, "say hi to Avian for me"
I rolled my eyes, not able to hide the blush fast enough.
"Whatever"
She laughed and walked into her class, and then with a small wave she was gone. I stood in front of the door for about a minute, before letting a small smile curve my lips.
I had my friends back and for real this time.
It felt great.
Slowly, I pulled my shawl tighter once more around me, before making my way to the library to meet Avian.
The boy who caused stronger fluttery feelings in the pit of my stomach than Alex, the other boy I was still infatuated with.
I groaned inwardly as I hurried towards the library.
Honestly, I needed to figure out everything that was going on in my life, and come to terms with a lot of stuff because the current headache that was building up in my head did not feel pleasant at all.