"Never forget what you were saved from" - Jim George
October 4th 2013; 8:53pm
I sat in my window seat, with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream nestled on my favorite lilac colored fluffy pillow that Alex had given me almost three years ago before anything had gotten serious between us. My room was quiet, apart from the stereo that currently had Beyoncé's fourth studio album on replay.
Why was my life so complicated?
In less than one week, I had managed to piss off the two guys that I may or may not be infatuated with, and now they wanted nothing to do with me. Avian especially, who completely loathed me.
Sighing, I placed another spoonful of ice-cream in my mouth and glanced out the window at the moon. Tonight, the moon's lunar phase was something called a 'new moon', the hell if I knew what that meant. The moon was growing smaller and currently seemed to echo my mood.
"I don't need this bullshit" his voice still replayed in my head. I groaned and dragged my attention back into the room, to Lolita who was currently sitting across from me, eating out of her bowl of ice-cream.
"You know, maybe it's not as bad as it seems"
I looked up from my ice-cream to stare pointedly at Lolita, who was now licking the bit of creamy goo that had rolled down the side of her lips.
How could she even say that?
My life was a freaking disaster.
Lolita rolled her eyes at the glare I was currently giving her and shrugged carelessly before placing her spoon back into the bowl to scoop up some more ice-cream.
"Honestly, I think you're exaggerating" she crossed her legs and glanced up at me, before slowly placing her spoon in her mouth.
Lolita had always, well, most of the time, been right but what did she mean by I was over exaggerating? Didn't she understand that they both loathed my presence? One had said he didn't need my bullshit and the other just basically told me to "forget it", then walked away.
What the hell did that mean?
"I'm just saying you have a lot to figure out! Maybe adding boyfriends to the list may be too ambitious right now"
I stared at her, and then glanced down into my bowl; my ice-cream was melting so I scooped up the slushy part and lifted the spoon to my lips.
"Besides, Alex had you first. You complicated everything when Avian showed up" Lolita shrugged, and glanced up at me.
"You say it like I did it on purpose," I said defensively, glancing back up at the moon in all its pride and glory "I can't help it okay?"
"You need to figure out what your deal with Alex is before you involve Avian in any way"
"But I have," I said, placing the bowl down in front of me and folding my hands against my chest "he doesn't want to accept that we broke up okay? There's a reason for that"
"Yeah, a reason that you don't even know" Lolita said, pointing her spoon at me. I groaned and raised my eyebrows at her.
"Whose side are you on?" I asked with a frown, turning my attention back to my ice-cream; it seemed to be the only thing that made sense at that moment. A cold, sweet dessert that made life seem a whole lot better. Well, until it melted and needed to be replaced with yet another spoon of the dessert.
"Look, all I'm saying is that maybe you should not be complicating your life with two romantic relationships right now," She inched closer and gave me a small smile "there is a lot that needs figuring out. Just forget Avian and Alex for now okay?"
"I tried," I whined, shrinking my lips into a pout. I sighed, then ran my hands through my hair "I can't just grab a knife and stab my emotions okay?"
"I know that," Lolita rolled her eyes, before picking up her bowl once again "Just take baby steps! First thing, accept what happened that night"
I glared at Lolita, before placing another spoon of ice-cream in my mouth. Sighing, she dropped the bowl and shook out her hair with her right hand.
"We have to talk it out eventually Shay," she muttered, glancing up at me. I sighed and avoided eye contact with her, instead of glancing out the window "damn it, Shay, you can't keep doing this to yourself and me!"
I turned my head towards her sharply, jutting out my chin.
"I can't accept it because if I do you'll leave, and I'll be alone in this stupid house"
"You know that I'll always be with you Shay," Lolita said softly, placing her hands on my knee "I'm never going anywhere"
As I glanced at Lolita, I realized that I couldn't do it. No matter how many times she brought it up, I wasn't ready to confront the past.
I wasn't strong enough yet, and I wasn't sure I would ever be.
I wasn't even sure that I wanted to be.
"Do you want more ice-cream, mine's almost finished," I said suddenly, jumping up from the window seat. I grabbed my bowl and put my feet into my slippers.
"You're avoiding the subject, Shay"
"I'm going to go get more ice-cream" I said with a false smile, before shuffling towards the door and yanking it open. I heard her sigh and I turned back to look at her.
Was she that eager to leave me? What was I supposed to do or be without her?
She was all I had left.
I shook my head and slammed the door behind me before trudging down the stairs.
What did she know anyway? She wasn't the one that had to deal with not having a family. She wasn't the one that would be left in this world, wondering how to possibly move on after everything that had happened.
She wasn't the one that would be alone.
I opened the freezer and pulled out the tub of ice-cream I had gotten on my way from school, before reaching for the scoop.
She didn't care about anyone but herself.
I frowned, and placed a rather large scoop of ice-cream into my bowl. Closing the tub, I placed it back into the freezer, and then I picked up my bowl and dug out a large spoon of ice-cream, before placing the whole thing in my mouth.
Screw Lolita and her 'we have to talk about this' attitude!
I didn't need her! I didn't need anyone!
She could go for all I cared. Everyone always left in the end.
"We are all born to die" Avian's voice popped into my head, and I sighed, before running my hands through my hair.
What did any of them know anyway?
They were all just a bunch of stupid teenagers with problems no bigger than getting good grades and making it into college.
I frowned, before placing another large spoon of ice-cream in my mouth. Suddenly, the doorbell rang, causing me to jump slightly. I dropped my spoon then, before turning my head sharply towards the door.
Gritting my teeth, I picked up the spoon that had fallen to the floor, placed it in the sink, and then wiped my hands on my sweatpants as I edged my way towards the door.
Sighing, I peeked through the peephole, expecting to see my mother or one of her friends. If it had been Rain or Angel, I still would not have been as shocked as I was at who was standing on the other side of the door.
Taking in a deep breath, I opened the door slowly.
Avian glanced up then and shot me a small smile.
I caught my breath as I took in his appearance; the loose button-down shirt hanging out of the pair of scruffy jeans he had chosen. He scratched the back of his neck nervously, and I glanced up at his face.
He looked tired and weak; like he hadn't slept in days.
"Hi" he said quietly, before running his hands through his hair and staring at me expectantly.
It was only when he spoke that I realized I hadn't let him in yet.
Blushing discreetly, I stepped out of the way, backing up into the house. He took a couple of steps into the house, allowing me to close the door behind him, then stopped and turned back to me with the same small smile.
"Hi" I muttered, letting out a low breath I hadn't even realized I had been holding. I stood in front of the door with my hand still on the knob, contemplating whether I should yank the door open and run away, but then I wouldn't want him to think I was even crazier than he already thought I was.
We were both silent for some time, staring at each other as we waited for the other to say something. I took in a deep breath, opened my mouth to say something, but nothing seemed to come out.
What was I supposed to say?
He'd caught me off guard so I hadn't any time to prepare a long speech explaining why I had acted like such a nosy bitch the other day in the library.
"Can we talk?" he said then, beating me to it. I nodded, slowly running my hands through my hair as I glanced up to meet his eyes.
"You want to come on up?" I asked, tucking my hands into my pockets. He hesitated for a moment, before nodding slightly.
Slowly, I walked around him, trying carefully not to touch him because I honestly didn't want the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach to get any more aggressive than they were. He followed me up the stairs to my room, muttering something the whole way that I couldn't quite make out.
When we got to my room, I slowly opened the door, and then remembered Lolita was still in there. How was I meant to explain that to Avian, and there was the fact that I couldn't deal with it if he became all judgmental.
"Great," I muttered as I walked into the room. I glanced around, realizing that she had probably snuck out when she heard Avian's voice. I closed the door slowly behind him, then stood in front of it, watching him make his way slowly over to the chair in front of my vanity table.
I walked over to my bed and sat close to the chair after he was seated in; it was a birthday gift from my grandma a couple of years ago. There was silence then, much more awkward than the silent moment we'd shared downstairs, as I struggled to look anywhere but at him.
After a while, I heard him clear his throat so I reluctantly looked at him.
He was staring at me.
"Look, first of all, I just want to say I'm sorry"
I stared at him with my mouth slightly open.
Cute-guy-with-the-brown-hair-brown-eyes-and-orange-bracelet-with-an-unknown-reason-as-to-why-he-had-it said what?
Avian took in a breath as I looked at him, waiting for him to finish his statement.
Why was he sorry?
I was the one that couldn't control my nosy habits.
"I think I'm the one that owes you an apology" I said quietly, unable to take the silence anymore.
Slowly, I patted the space on the bed next to me.
He sighed then, and stood from the chair, before plopping himself on the bed next to me. Smiling sadly, he ran his hands through his hair.
"My whole 'I need to know' obsession must have freaked you out" I said with a small smile, glancing down at my hands. Avian burst into soft chuckles, before turning his head to look at me. I smiled and dragged my gaze from my fingers to also look at him.
"Yeah, a little bit" he muttered through a smile. I giggled, glad he was able to joke about it and shoved his shoulder slightly.
We were quiet for a couple of seconds, and I was glad the atmosphere between us wasn't stiff or awkward anymore.