"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss" – Jonathan Larson
October 2nd 2013; 11:47am
Avian had not been in school for the past week and I couldn't shake the sick feeling that it was all my fault.
What was wrong with me?
He had been understanding when I told him that I was not ready to talk about what had happened the night I had called him to pick me up, so why couldn't I have been just as understanding?
My heart clenched and I dropped my head onto the table dejectedly.
Why couldn't I just have shut up when he said he did not want to talk about it? Why couldn't I just let go?
I repeat, what the hell is wrong with me?
I groaned as I gathered up my stuff, extremely glad to be done with my physics class. Honestly, I didn't see the point in learning how the speed of light affected its direction or how when you looked into some sort of glass, you could see the rainbow's colors.
At least not while I was a walking disaster.
I sighed, and put on my jacket, before placing my bag on my shoulder.
"You won't have homework today so just read the chapter on energy, time, and power for next class" our teacher called out as students shuffled eagerly out the door, clearly glad to be rid of the last two hours of torture.
Thank heavens.
I pushed my chair in and followed the rest of my classmates out the door, only going in the opposite direction. Instead of heading towards the cafeteria for lunch, where I probably had to explain to Rain and Angel why I had ignored their calls and text messages, I headed towards one of the school's exits that I knew would hardly have any curious people asking me questions.
I tucked my bangs behind my left ear and let out a low breath, before glancing out the large floor-to-ceiling windows that lined the hallway I was currently headed down.
Slowing to a stop, I gazed down at the large running track and patch of green grass used for sports.
The football team was on the field practicing; there were some people running laps, and some were throwing around the ball, practicing plays, or just fooling around.
I glanced at the sky blankly, watching the water droplets that fell from it stick to the window and roll down, as though the drops of water were trying to drag the glass down with it.
It was drizzling.
I glared at the sky in annoyance, trying to decide if the rain was a blessing or just another curse in very good disguise.
"Stupid rain" I muttered, blowing a strand of hair out my face, before crossing my arms over my chest and letting out another sigh.
"You never hated the rain before," I heard a voice next to me say. I turned quickly, half of me instantly regretting that decision, and the other half partially glad I had.
Alex stood there with a playful smile on his face and his hands tucked into his pockets. He was wearing a plaid sweater and a pair of black pants, complete with low-heeled dress shoes.
I had always wondered why he dressed so formally; maybe because it was just a part of who he was or it could be the fact that it was expected of the math athletes to dress that way. His hair had been tousled recently, probably one of his friends messing with him, and memories of my hands running through those same locks flooded through me.
I swallowed.
Either way, his entire look was one that I had once fallen in love with.
Now, I could not decide if I loved it or if I felt like stripping his clothes off of him and burning them.
Avian's expensive but worn jeans and t-shirts with band names scrawled across the front flashed through my mind.
I sighed.
"If I remember correctly, you love rain."
"I don't hate it," I said, slowly glancing back out onto the field to watch the team practice, even though they were getting drenched by the second. Wasn't there a possibility that they would get sick with the flu or something, after staying out so long under the rain?
They didn't seem to be bothered by it though.
I turned to Alex.
"I just don't see the point of it anymore"
Alex didn't answer but instead came to stand beside me in silence. I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes, before slowly trailing my eyes down his shoulders to his hands that were currently balled in fists as though he were fighting off some unwanted emotion.
The longer I stared at him, the stronger the urge to grab those hands and hold them in mine grew.
Instantly, I shut down any feelings towards the boy standing next to me and folded my arms against my chest.
"Remember that time we were dared to go skinny dipping?" Alex said suddenly, leaning on the glass we stood close to. He crossed his arms and turned his attention to me.
I dragged my attention from the football practice going on, to the boy standing in front of me.
I remembered that; the lake had been freezing but we didn't mind. I don't think we even cared. We swam for hours, completely forgetting the reason we had gone out there in the first place.
Smiling, I turned back to the football team that was still shoving each other and running around in the mud.
"We were at Justin's cabin up in the woods and it started raining" he muttered, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
I laughed at the memory, a wave of nostalgia hitting me then.
I remembered that the lot of us, including the whole football team and some of their girlfriends, myself, Alex, Lolita, Rain, Angel, and even Diana had gone up to Justin's family's cabin for spring break last year.
I also remembered that it had been one of the most fun and amazing vacations we had had together.
"We did it anyway," I murmured with a smile, and Alex broke into a huge grin, clearly glad I was reminiscing with him "we went swimming anyways"
"After a while, you decided that you did not want to get out of the water," he said, slowly running his hands through his hair, "you said that you just wanted to…"
"Stay in that moment forever," I cut him off and turned my gaze to him, before letting out a sigh.
He smiled then, not a happy this-is-fun smile but a sad kind of what-happened-to-us smile.
Slowly, he reached down, my eyes following his hands, and unlocked my arms from where they were crossed against my chest, before taking one of my hands in his. I stared at our hands then as he slowly intertwined them, a familiar feeling rushing through me.
My heartbeat sped up then, and the same warm feeling that I had gotten when Avian had held my hand surged through me as well.
I groaned inwardly.
How could I have butterflies for two different boys?
What did that even mean?
I looked up into his eyes, the same ocean blue eyes that I had once been completely vulnerable to, and probably still was, and wondered what on earth I was doing to both Alex and myself.
Why was I leading him on?
Rain had already told me that he still loved me, and even though for some weird reason I had been glad to hear that, I wasn't sure how I felt anymore. I wasn't sure if I wanted to love him the same way I once did.
A couple of months ago, I would have said that I loved him automatically without even blinking.
Now, I had the thing with Lolita, which I wasn't ready to talk about with him, and another boy I was currently infatuated with; a boy with dark brown hair and deep brown eyes.
A boy that was currently mad at me.
"I don't need this" Avian's angry voice rang in my head.
What did that even mean?
That he didn't need me? Or that he didn't need what we had, not necessarily me?
I yanked my hand out of Alex's grasp then, hastily tucking it into the pocket of my jeans, before glancing back out onto the field.
I needed to figure out my life and what I wanted out of it because the fluttering feeling at the pit of my stomach was getting old and rather annoying; especially since I didn't know exactly which boy made the butterflies flutter more aggressively.
I heard him sigh but I didn't dare look at him, partially because I did not want a repetition of what had just happened; also because I was embarrassed by my behavior.
Did Alex even know about Avian?
And if he did, what did he think we were? He must've seen us around the school, but did he care?
And why did I care what Alex thought?
Then there was Avian.
"I don't need this"
I flinched as the voice replayed itself in my head and sighed, before pushing my bangs out of my face.
Was there even still an Avian and I?
I sighed and shifted my weight from one foot to the other.
What was I even talking about?
There had never been a "we" in the first place and after my prying stunt, I could probably forget any thoughts in that direction.
All we were was friends; frankly, I didn't even think we were that anymore.
"I don't need this"
"I'm sorry," I muttered, wiping my hands on my jeans as they had become sweaty. I tucked my hands into my pockets and slowly turned to look at him.
He was standing there with an exasperated look on his face; as though he was wondering what on earth he had done for me to shut him out so suddenly and completely. When he registered the fact that I had just apologized, he turned his attention to me and sighed before running his hands through his hair.
The frustration he felt was evident in his eyes.
"I'm trying," he muttered, before letting out a shaky breath "I'm trying so hard, Shay"
My face fell as I took in Alex's uncomfortable façade. He looked so…so broken like he wasn't sure what to do to make himself happy anymore. Like he wasn't sure exactly what was going on between us.
"You and me both buddy" I muttered quietly to myself, before taking a deep breath and glancing at the grey clouds forming in the sky.
"You broke him" a voice muttered in my head and I tried to ignore it but it just got louder "make up your damn mind! It's killing him"
"I just don't know what happened" Alex said with a sigh and looked at me, completely dragging me out of my thoughts.
I opened my mouth, ready to say something, anything that would make his sour, solemn look go away but I wasn't sure what to say.
I wasn't his girlfriend anymore.
Did I want to be?
Avian flashed through my head.
"Make up your damn mind" my thoughts screamed at me.
Why couldn't I just talk to him about everything that had happened?
I mean, I loved him right? I had convinced myself that I had been in love with him so what was the problem?
If I loved him, I should be able to tell him anything right?
He stared at me.
After my birthday, I had tried so many times to talk to him about what had happened that night; I had started the conversation but always ended up concluding that I wasn't ready to accept it.
Frankly, if I talked to anyone about it, that would mean I was ready to accept what had happened and I wasn't.
I wasn't ready to let go.
I didn't know if I would ever be.
"Is it something I did?"
I shook my head immediately I heard that sentence leave his mouth. I knew he blamed himself for our breakup because according to Rain, he constantly blamed himself every day. It was eating him up inside and I was a cruel person for not telling him what was wrong.
If I told him, then I lost her.
For good.
I just didn't think I would be able to handle it.
I could not handle it.
"You didn't do anything, I swear"
"Then what's the problem?" Alex said his voice breaking. I sighed and uncrossed my arms, before pushing my bangs out of my face.
What was the problem?
"Alex, I can't deal with this right now?" it came out more as a question than a statement as I started rambling before my brain could process. He looked at me penetratingly, as though he had expected this reaction. I sighed as he took a step away from me.
"Yeah," Alex said bitterly, glancing away from me "you never want to deal with anything."
I stared at him.
What?
"It's true," Alex said with a shrug, seeing the shocked expression on my face "every time Shay, you avoid actual conversations, running away into your thoughts."
"That's not true" I said defensively, recrossing my arm against my chest.
"Then give me one valid reason why you broke up with me," he said, his voice still angry and sharp "just one"
I stared at him, not exactly sure what to say because frankly, I didn't have an answer to that.
"I love you Shay," – there it was – "and I know you love me too because no one falls out of love that fast" he ran his hands through his hair and stared pointedly at me "so give me one reason and I'll drop it."
"Alex I can't," I said, glancing down at my fingers.
He scoffed and I glanced up to see him nodding sarcastically.
"Right, you can't," he said, before running his hands through his hair and glaring at me "forget it"
With that, he stalked off in the direction he had come from, leaving me staring after him in surprise.
What the hell just happened?