~~~~~
Papasara na ang elevator nang maulinigan ko ang malakas na boses ni Ysrael na tumatawag sa'kin.
"Where do you think you're going? You don't have your key card! Arrain! Come back here—!"
Tapos sumara na nga ang elevator. Mabuti na lang at hindi niya ako naabutan, kung sinubukan man niya akong habulin. Napasandig ako sa gilid ng malamig na pader at saka ko lang pinakawalan ang pinipigilan kong hininga. I ignored my fast-beating heart and tried to calm myself.
Dammit!
What just happened?
Sa lahat ng pwedeng mangyari tuwing nakakainom ako at nawawala sa tamang huwisyo, bakit kailangang ang makasapakat pa talaga ang lalaking ayaw ko na sanang makita pa? The last time we saw each other had been awkward enough! Tapos may ganito pa? And, what was that? We slept together in his bed?
And I groped him?
I?! Me?! Ako?!
Ilusyonado naman yata niya! Eh, kung ginawa ko talaga yon, kung hinimas-himas ko talaga ang katawan niyang walang saplot ng nagdaang gabi, sana ay . . . sana ay naaalala ko pa ang pakiramdam sa aking mga palad. That damn chest and those abs looked damn delectable in the damn morning! And hard. And firm. And supple. Some part of my brain should have stored the memory of being able to touch that magnificent art sculpture. My hands should be tingling with the phantasm.
More importantly, I shouldn't be this disappointed that they weren't.
"Fuck," sambit kong muli sa kawalan saka natutulalang napatitig sa aking mga kamay. Funny why they were trembling instead.
Ysrael, that douche. How easy it was for him to get me on his bed, huh. Nagbago na talaga siya. Ni hindi ko man lang nakitaan ng pagkapahiya o pag-aalangan ang kanyang mukha habang papalapit sa'kin. He used to blush profusely before, mapalapit lang siya sa'kin ng kaunti. He used to tell me before that me looking back into his eyes was his weakness. Hindi niya raw kayang makipagtitigan sa'kin ng more than five seconds dahil hindi raw siya makahinga sa sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso niya.
*
"Ganito talaga siguro kapag in love, ano?" ani Ysrael sa mababa at medyo nahihiyang boses isang araw habang magkasama kaming naglalakad pauwi.
Katatapos lang ng band practice namin noon, at kahit na kanina pa ang uwian ng mga graduating students ay hinintay niya pa rin ako para sabay na daw kami. Paano ba naman ay sineryoso niya ang banta ng mga kuya ko na babalatan siya nang buhay kapag hinayaan akong umuwi mag-isa, lalo na kapag past six PM na.
Ganoon daw kasi dapat kapag nanliligaw. Protective at maalaga sa nililigawan. Kaya heto si Ysrael ngayon, nire-redefine ang salitang "gentleman" at kina-career ang pagiging "masugid." On a daily basis, walang palya.
Sapatusin ko sina kuya, eh.
I needed to have a word with my brothers soon, by the way. I needed to stop them from encouraging this guy any further. Baka lalo lang itong ma-infatuate sa'kin at bigla nalang akong pakasalan. Malilintikan talaga sina Kuya Civ at Kuya Blithe.
Pero saka ko nalang sila sesermunan. Kapag maka-timing na ako.
"A-ano'ng 'ganito'?" tugon ko sa sinabi nitong kasama ko, kahit ang totoo ay ayoko tuwing nag-oopen up siya tungkol sa feelings niya. Pero as usual, nananaig na naman ang aking kuryosidad kesa pagkaasiwa. Nilingon ko siya sa aking kanan at nahuling matamang tinitingnan ang gilid ng mukha ko.
And as usual, namula na naman ang magkabila niyang pisngi at nagyuko siya ng ulo. But he did answer my question.
"G-ganito. Na, as in, wala kang magawa sa puso mo kapag tinamaan ka na. You just—" He broke off, then chuckled breathlessly. "Well, you just let it beat its crazy tune, and let it be. All you can do is hope and pray that in the end, the person it's beating for will hear the message and reciprocate it . . . eventually." Then he added as an afterthought, "If you're lucky, that is."
Hindi ako nakaimik. A strange ache in my chest started to swell. And for some unknown reason, ibig kong maiyak.
Ysrael, of all the girls out there, why me? Hindi ko iyon magawang itanong. Hindi ako handa sa maaaring marinig.
Nag-angat siya ng ulo. At dahil nakabaling pa rin ako sa kanya ay agad nagkasalubong ang aming mga mata. The expression on my face must have looked hilarious because when he grinned, it was huge enough that the sides of his eyes crinkled adorably.
"Hey, don't look at me like that," aniyang natatawa. "I think myself lucky, Arrain. I get to be with you like this and freely tell you how I feel. So considering everything," shyly, tentatively, he reached out a hand to brush away a lock of my hair that had strayed from my messy chignon, "that's enough for me."
*
Ugh!
Lecheng mga alaala.
Look how the tables have suddenly turned! Now I was the one who couldn't stand his piercing gaze. I was the one whose heart couldn't calm the frack down when he was too near. I was the one who's blushing at the simple sight of those impossibly broad shoulders and strong arms and that scandalously low-riding sweatpants, for goodness' sake! Agh!
Hindi na talaga ako maglalasing ulit. Promise.
Bumukas ang elevator sa ground floor at nagdere-deretso ako sa front desk na hindi maipinta ang mukha. I had a keycard to retrieve and, more important, a tiny bit of information to confirm with Ms. Receptionist. Di baleng alam ko na ang sagot. Kailangan ko pa ring makasiguro.
-----
Sa huli ay nakapasok naman ako sa aking unit, salamat sa tulong ng isang staff gamit ang master key card. And there, on top of my coffee table, I found my purse and phone, along with a note that my sister-in-law wrote for me.
/
Rain, dear.
It was all your brother's doing. Blame Adam Civil and not me, okay? Wala akong kinalaman sa nangyari. Love you! Mwahhh!
-Van
P.S. At least gwapo naman si schoolmate, sis. Parang crush ka rin niya. Hihi! Kilig ako yieeeeh! ♡
/
Mga sampung beses ko munang binasa ang nakasulat bago ko iyon iniitsa sa basurahan at galit na nagmartsa patungong shower. Sabi ko na, eh. Hindi panaginip ang mga boses kagabi. Kuya Civ really did "hand me over" to Ysrael at the parking lot.
How dare he!
I would call him just to scream in his ear at the top of my lungs, but later. Right now, my brain had a more pressing concern to stress about.
Dahil nalaman ko mula sa receptionist na, oo, si "Mr. Ysrael Gallardi" nga ang umookupa doon sa penthouse, at take note, hindi lang ang penthouse, kundi ang buong building pala na ito ay pagmamay-ari niya. Three years na.
Hinayupak na iyan.
Eh, ako pala mismo ang kusang tumapak papasok sa lungga ng kalaban, eh! Imagine my shook face when I realized that!
Tapos tinanong pa ako ni Miranda the Receptionist, "Would you like to schedule an appointment, Miss Rain? Okay lang naman, tumatanggap minsan si Sir Ysrael ng guests sa penthouse, basta nagpapasabi lang in advance. I can go ahead and check right now if he's up—"
Agad kong itinaas ang dalawang kamay para pigilan siya. "No no no! No, thanks, Miranda! I was just, uh, curious, that's why I asked. Hehehe! Um, yeah, that's all. Have a blessed Sunday! Bye!"
Kumapiras na ako ng takbo palayo dahil baka madulas pa ako na kagagaling ko lang mag-sleepover sa penthouse with "Sir Ysrael" himself. Baka himatayin si Miranda girl na halatang may crush sa boss niya dahil sa pamumula ng mga pisngi at pagningning ng mga mata kada binabanggit ang pangalan nito.
Or worse, baka hindi niya ako paniwalaan. Better keep it to myself, then. Mas nakakahiya nga naman iyon.
Pagkatapos kong mag-shower ay wala na akong ibang ginawa kundi ang mag-isip nang mag-isip. Pero imbes na pumunta ako sa Starbucks, which was my usual routine on Sundays, nagkulong na lang ako sa kwarto. Ayokong lumabas. Ysrael might find me. I might find Ysrael. We might find each other.
I might make a fool out of myself again.
Hayyyy.
Maybe I should move out and find another place to stay. Sayang nga lang. Gusto ko pa naman dito dahil hindi masyadong malayo sa trabaho, sa city proper, at sa manor house. Aside from that, they also had great service here, amazing sunset view in my bedroom's glass wall, and sophisticated pool area and state of the art gym. This was actually the best choice among all the other condo buildings in the area that's why I picked this one. I had all the advantages and none of the disadvantages. Until now, that is.
Kung hindi ko nalang sana nalaman ang mga nalaman ko. Ignorance is bliss nga naman.
But, rationally speaking, if I could manage to avoid running into Ysrael then I wouldn't have any real problem. Iyon lang naman talaga ang inaalala ko, eh. Pero kung pwede namang maiwasan iyon, mapagtitiisan ko naman. I mean, I could just choose not to go outside too often, only when it was completely necessary, like when going to my job, or going for an emergency ice cream run. Or if ever man na magkasalubong kami sa daan, o magkasabay sa elevator halimbawa, I could always ignore him and pretend I didn't notice him.
After all, he didn't have any reason to talk to me after what I'd done six years ago. He was supposed to hate me. Therefore, he must ignore me too. Then we could go back to how we started, pretending to not be aware of each other's existence. That's how it was supposed to be, Kuya Civ and his meddling be damned.
Thankfully, though, Ysrael and I never ran into each other again after that. I could always assume it was because I was so good at avoiding him, but it could also be because he himself was avoiding me. Ipinagkibit ko nalang iyon ng balikat. It was for the best, to be honest. Di ko na kailangang maghanap ng malilipatan at nakakapaglakad na rin ako sa lobby nang hindi nagpapalinga-linga na parang pugante na nagtatago sa batas.
It really was good.
Then a few weeks later, it was time for our company anniversary.
Everyone at the office had been very busy these past few days preparing for today, but our department was the busiest. Mula sa venue, catering, hanggang sa kaliit-liitang detalye ng motif ng mga lamesa ay sa amin nakatoka, kaya nang dumating na nga ang araw na itinakda ay hindi kami mapakaling lahat. There were intermissions, special presentations, awards, speeches, and the most-awaited raffle. Everything had to go smoothly and perfectly. Lalo na ang importanteng task namin ni Jaina.
"Ready ka na, Rain?" tanong niya limampung minuto bago kami sumalang sa stage. Nasa harapan kami ngayon ng malaking salamin at sinisiguradong maayos ang mga buhok, make-up at mga suot naming gown. Jaina herself looked marvelous in her backless, all-black ensemble.
Ewan ko lang sa itsura ko. Medyo masikip kasi ang suot kong kumikinang na floor-length scarlet dress, lalo na sa may parteng bewang. Pinaliit nun ang aking waistline, which looked all great in the mirror pero sa totoo lang ay mahirap huminga, syet. Isama pa ang slit na hanggang kalahati ng aking hita ang naghe-hello world at ang sweetheart neckline na pinapangalandakan kung gaano ka-cutie pie ang cleavage meron ako, well, masasabi kong this gown was supposed to be worn by a really, sexy and confident woman.
Not me, though. I felt dressed to be killed instead, not to kill. Ewan ko talaga bakit ni Mama pinili ito sa dinami-raming choices doon sa boutique ng best friend niya.
"I'm super ready, girl. Ilang beses ko na 'tong nagawa kaya wala na 'to sa'kin," sagot ko nalang kay Jaina sa pina-excited na boses. 'Ika nga, di ba? Fake it til you make it. Tiningnan ko siya via the mirror. "Ikaw? Musta?"
She sighed dramatically. "Heto, medyo kinakabahan pa rin. Pero keri lang, hindi ko naman first time mag-emcee. At least di ba, di natin kailangan kumanta tulad ni Mel." She laughed in relief, then shot me a threatening look all of a sudden. "Basta tumawa ka sa jokes ko kahit corny, ha? Dahil kung hindi, itutulak kita sa stage para pagtawanan ka nilang lahat!"
Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. "Oy! Subukan mo lang, Jaina Toribio! Isasama kita sa pagbagsak ko, I swear! Alalahanin mong kasama sa audience ang jowa mo, dzae. Wag mo akong subukan kung ayaw mong mapahiya." May idudugtong pa sana ako nang bigla akong may maalala. "Ayy, oo nga pala!"
Umangat ang kilay ni Jaina. "Ano'ng 'oo nga pala'?"
"Di ba may sampung special guests tayong ipapakilala mamaya bago yung intermission ni Amelia? Tingin mo, girl," tinaas-baba ko ang mga kilay, "sila yung sekretong in-invite na international at local authors ni Miss L? The one you overheard in her office a few days ago? Do you think they came?"
"Ah! Oo nga, 'no? Hindi ko na-realize iyan. Possibly!" She squealed and clapped her hands together. "Oh, my gosh, Rain! If that's the case, then we'll finally get to meet them in the flesh. The genius brains behind the manuscripts! Oh my gosh, nakaka-excite naman! Makakapagpa-autograph tayo! Ahhhh!"
I nodded enthusiastically, gushing along with my colleague as we waited for our cue to emerge from the curtain. Nakaka-excite nga iyon. Fan pa naman ako ng iba sa kanila. But in the back of my mind, there was one particular author I was curious to see.
Si Ezra Kade. Ang pamangkin ni Miss L na sumulat ng paborito kong book of poems so far. Did she ask him to attend tonight? Sana. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to connect the person with the masterpiece he wrote with his broken heart. I wanted to see in his eyes if he was okay now. Or if not, I wanted to at least tell him in person that I really liked his work. In a short span of time, I became a fan.
Hindi kasi ako ang tipo na mahilig sa poems, pero dahil sa manuscript ni Mr. Kade ay unti-unting nagbago ang isip ko. It's been a few weeks since I finished editing that one so I knew it was on its way for printing in the next department now. At alam ko na ang gagawin oras na ma-publish ang libro. Bibili ako ng kopya at magpapa-autograph, care of my boss.
Hah! Para ano pang sinabi niya sa'kin yun, di ba? You gotta use your cards when you have to, or else, you'll lose the game called life.
"Miss Jain, Miss Rain, please standby," sabi nung isang backstage personnel na agad nagpaayos ng tayo sa amin ni Jaina. We both looked at each other, grins huge and eyes alight, and got ready to step out into the spotlight. And then the personnel said again, "In three, two, one . . . "
And finally, it was showtime. Jaina and I did our best to make the evening as entertaining and enjoyable as possible. At tama nga ang hinala ko. We had ten authors as our special guests, but I tried not to be too disappointed when none of them was Ezra Kade. Well, maybe next time. Not everyone was lucky enough to meet their idols in person.
At least sa libro niya, pangalan ko ang nakasulat bilang copyeditor. That should be enough for me. For now.
Nine-forty five.
Malapit nang matapos ang programme nang kinulbit ko si Jaina at sumenyas na naiihi ako. She gave me a thumbs up and I immediately got up from our emcee's table and headed for the restroom. Nasa hallway na ako at natatanaw ko na ang signage na hinahanap nang biglang may humawak sa braso ko at pumihit sa'kin paharap.
I came face to face with the person I least expected to see. My mouth dropped in disbelief.
"Z-Zen?" I muttered, my eyes looking him up and down to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.
The familiar idiotic grin he wore and the warmth of his hand on my bare arm told me he was real. "Hello, Arrain," he said in greeting, his smile growing. "`Missed me?"
Marahas kong binawi ang aking braso at umatras para lagyan ng distansya ang pagitan namin. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito? This is a private company event. Paano . . . Bakit ka nandito? Are you stalking me?"
He scoffed softly. "Always so quick to judge, aren't we? Stalking you? Paanong nangyari iyon, eh, ngayon ko nga lang nalaman na dito ka pala nagtatrabaho nung nakita kita sa stage. I have a friend who works here, you know. I would've come visited you sooner had I known."
Pinaikot ko ang mga mata. "Tss. Fine. What are you doing here, then?"
He shrugged. "I came as someone's date. A favor for a friend."
Oh. I didn't expect that.
"Ah, gano'n naman pala, eh! Then you should be with her and not following me around like a creep. Ano nalang ang sasabihin ng date mo?"
Hindi siya nakasagot agad. Humalukipkip ako dahil medyo naiilang ako sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa'kin. Especially when his eyes fell on my exposed collars, then he subconsciously bit his lower lip.
I gulped. Damn this over-exposing dress!
Annoyed and a little tensed, I snapped my fingers in front of him. "Hello? Naduduling ka na diyan, Mr. Manyak! Eyes up here or I'll gouge your eyes out!"
Zen blinked, refocusing his gaze where they should be. Ngumisi na naman siya nang makita ang iritasyon sa aking mukha. "Woah, sorry, babe. I got distracted by your beauty back there." He cleared his throat, then took one step closer. "So, uh, actually, may gusto sana akong sabihin sa'yo kaya kita sinundan. I wanted to know if you're free on Sunday next week. I'd like to take you out for dinner."
I barked out a sarcastic laugh. "Really? What made you think I'd say yes?"
Zen smirked. "What about . . . I promise to stop calling you 'Arrain' and hitting on you altogether?" He wagged his eyebrows mischievously. "That enough for you?"
Syet. Dammit. He had me. He had me right there. That was as good a deal as I could get, especially coming from Zen. That was the best ever! So before he could take it back, I immediately agreed to a dinner with him on Sunday.
"As long as you keep your promise," mariin kong paalala sa kanya.
Ngumisi naman siya. "Well, as long as you show up. See you then, Arrain."
With a wink, Zen turned in his heel and walked away, leaving me to stare after him and wonder out loud, "Ano'ng nakain nun?"
"Bakit, sino ba iyon?" a voice said out of nowhere, making me jump in fright. I turned, and found a scowling Ysrael leaning on the wall behind me, his hands in his slacks pocket.
"You scared me!" I accused, absently walking towards him and returning his gaze with my curious one. I noticed he wore a formal, except his bowtie was askew. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito? Ba't ka nagtatambay sa may CR?"
By any chance, was he also someone's date to this event, just like Zen? Wow. Small world.
Hindi na ako nasorpresa na nakita siya. It was bound to happen sooner or later anyway. Kumbaga, napaghandaan na ito ng aking subconsciousness. Tsk.
Inirapan niya ako. "Wala ka na don. Ang tanong ko ang sagutin mo." He motioned with his chin at Zen's retreating back. "Who the hell was that fucker? How could he make you say 'yes' so easily?"
I stared at Ysrael's pinched expression for a long moment. Was that . . . jealousy I see? Maybe.
Maybe not. Regardless, it made my heart skip a beat.
Inirapan ko na rin siya para patas kami. "Wala ka na don."
And just like that, his frown disappeared, replaced by an easy grin that almost reached his eyes. "Fair enough," he said, then walked away too, leaving me by myself again.
And so I wondered again, "Ano'ng namang nakain nun?"
~~~~~