~~~~~
Masama ang tinging ipinukol ko kay Zen na prenteng nakaupo sa driver's seat ng kanyang asul na Subaru BRZ. As usual, the prick only grinned at me through the open window of the passenger side.
"Just get in, girl. Alangan namang lakarin mo ang Chateau, di ba? O baka gusto mong mag-commute at makipagsiksikan sa mga pasahero." He swept his right hand in a grand gesture. "Then by all means. Pero ngayon palang sasabihin ko nang aabutin ka ng siyam-siyam 'pag nag-jeep ka. Wala na tayong maaabutang pagkain doon."
Well, he did have a point. With a huff of indignation, I opened the door and got in, smoothing down my iron-straightened hair and sundress with my hands as I sat.
I can't believe I dressed up for this. Actually, I would've just settled for the crumpled pajamas I woke up in this morning to go to dinner, para lang ipamukha kay Zen na hindi ko gustong makasama siya ngayon, bukas, kailanman at kahit saan man. Kung hindi lang sana five-star na restaurant ang pagdadalhan niya sa'kin at kung hindi lang sana ako nag-aalala na baka mawalan ng appetite ang ibang customers, eh.
Hayy. I hated social etiquettes sometimes.
"You look—" he started to say but I cut him off with a hand.
"Don't. Hindi ko kailangan ng papuri mo. Hindi ito date. I'm just doing this for your promise and nothing else," I reminded him icily, my back ramrod straight and my face straight ahead.
Yeah. Better set him straight early on before he got any ideas.
He burst out laughing. "Okay, chill, Ms. Hot and Feisty! Wala na akong sinabi! Geez."
He started the car and we drove to the famous restaurant in uphill Cebu in silence. Mostly. Maliban nalang sa music at panaka-nakang pagsabay ni Zen sa pagkanta. He had a nice voice, I admit, especially when he wasn't using it to spout nonsense remarks or unnecessary side-comments. The guy was surprisingly docile and tolerable throughout the car ride. But it was pretty obvious what he was trying to do. He was setting the mood to make me feel calm and relaxed so I would drop my guard.
Nagsimula tuloy akong kabahan at magduda sa kanyang tunay na intensyon.
Fifteen minutes later, lumiko ang sasakyan off the road at pumasok kami sa malaking puting gate na may nakasulat na Chateau de Busay. We were here. Akala ko ay maghahanap pa kami ng bakanteng parking slot dahil mukhang puno ito ng mga sasakyan, ngunit may isang security guard na lumapit at sinenyasan kaming sumunod. Then he led us to a reserved parking spot.
I scoffed to myself. Aba't pinaghandaan talaga ng mokong.
Wordlessly, Zen waited for the guard to remove the Reserved Parking sign then eased the car in in one smooth go. He killed the engine, and the sudden silence made my ears ring.
Hindi na ako nakatiis. Pumihit ako sa upuan at hinarap siya.
"What's this dinner really for?" I demanded, the tiny shrill of panic unmistakable in my voice.
Zen just shot me a half-smile. "Patience, babe. You'll see." Tapos lumabas na siya ng kotse.
Grr! May pa-suspense pa talagang nalalaman!
Agad ko ring binuksan ang pintuan ko bago pa niya ako maunahan. Hindi nga ito date, di ba? He should know better than to open my door for me dahil baka tadyakan ko lang siya.
Zen cast me an amused look then gestured with his hand in front of him. "After you."
Pumasok na nga kami sa resto at pinasunod ng nakangiting waitress sa nakareserbang pwesto para sa amin. Muntik na akong mapasipol sa kasosyalan.
It was a private spot, slightly farther away from majority of the patrons. Sa area na iyon ay may tatlong bakanteng table-for-two na naka-set, at sa amin ang nasa gitna. It was complete with a vase of white roses as a centerpiece, two lit candles, and a bucket of chilled wine. There was romantic music in the background too. How was this for a simple meal, right?
Anxiously, I chewed on the inner part of my lip. This guy was going all-out tonight. Kinukuwestiyon ko na tuloy kung worth it pa ba ang pangako niya para sa lahat ng ito. It was just dinner, yes. But it suspiciously felt like a freaking date.
Damn Zenith Revista!
"Hoy," tawag ko sa atensyon niya nang kumportable na kaming nakaupo at nakapili na ako ng o-orderin. We were sat across from each other so I saw when his eyes slid from his menu to me questioningly.
"Hmm?" aniya na tila distracted at may ibang iniisip.
"Hindi ito date, ah," mariing sabi ko. "Remind lang kita."
Bumuntong-hininga siya. "I never said it was a date, Arrain. Dinner lang talaga 'to. Purely innocent. No malice at all." Biglang itinaas niya ang kanang kamay na animo'y nagpapanata. "I swear it on the River Styx. Okay na? Now let's order, shall we? I'm starving!"
Syet.
Bigla ay ibig kong mapangiti ngunit nagpigil ako. Tinawag na niya ang waiter saka umorder. I let him do all the talking while I just sat there, watching him with a renewed sense of awe and awareness.
So it turned out that Zen had a side to him that was actually likeable. He was also a book-lover, and we shared an interest in the same genres. Iyan ay ayon kay Kuya Blithe nung binebenta niya sa'kin ang kaluluwa ni Zen for the first time, many, many months ago. I'd brushed it off as a load of bullcrap, of course. I mean, c'mon! Si Zen, na tagapagmana ng isang multi-billion-dollar investment corporation, mahilig magbasa ng libro in his pastime? Hah! More like mahilig maglaro ng computer games at mambabae. Mas maniniwala pa ako ron dahil iyon naman ang nakikita kong mga gawi niya palagi.
But the fact was, he just quoted Percy Jackson to my face without batting an eyelash right now. He didn't even seem aware of it, and the swearing action looked natural on him, as if he'd been doing it for a long time now. Hmm. Napaisip tuloy ako. Maybe Kuya Blithe had been telling the truth all along. Maybe Zen wasn't so bad after all. And maybe, I had been quick to judge him based on my prejudices in life. Kasalanan ko kung bakit hindi ko siya nabigyan ng pagkakataong ipakita sa'kin kung sino talaga siya.
Now it was probably too late.
Natigilan ako. Oh my gosh. Did I just seriously think about reconsidering my opinions about Zenith Revista the ultimate asungot in my life?
Crap.
It must be this place, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and making me think weird, stupid things. Marahas na pinilig ko ang ulo upang matanggal ang agiw doon. Wag magpapadala sa romantic ambience!
Pagtarong diha, girl! Ayaw ug pada jud!
About half an hour later, we were both finished with dessert and now enjoying a bottle of Merlot. Hindi kami masyadong nakapag-usap dahil pareho kaming na-busy sa pagkain. But now that our meal was over and alcohol was running in our systems, I felt the mood around us shift all of a sudden.
No more chewing as an excuse for not talking.
Someone cleared his throat.
"So how's work?" basag ni Zen sa katahimikan.
I placed my wine glass back on the table, rolling my eyes. "Really? You want to talk about my job?"
He inhaled through his teeth. "I know, right? Small talks suck. I'd rather you suc—"
"Finish that sentence and your eyeballs will feel my fork."
Nanghaba ang kanyang nguso. "Ah, you're no fun. Okay then, straight to the point it is." Agad namang sumeryoso ang kanyang mukha saka tumuwid siya ng upo. Sinalubong niya ang aking mga mata. "I'm leaving the country, Rain," dere-deretsong anunsyo niya. "For an indefinite period of time. Baka 'kako ma-miss mo bigla ang gwapo kong mukha at isipin mong inabandona na kita sa ere. Hindi naman makatarungan para sa'yo iyon, di ba? So I thought I should personally let you know." He paused. "I fly out tomorrow."
Ah . . . wait. Teka lang. Pause for a minute.
Pakiramdam ko ay nag-short circuit ang aking utak sa mga sinabi ni Zen. Hindi ako sigurado kung saan mas mabibigla. Kung sa balita ba ng kanyang pag-alis bukas (agad-agad?!), o sa pagbanggit niya ng aking palayaw sa wakas.
Alam ko na matagal ko na siyang pinipilit na huwag akong tawagin sa buo kong pangalan. Ngayong nangyari na nga ay parang may natanggal na tinik sa aking lalamunan. It was as if he was somehow telling me he was giving up on his pointless pursuit of me.
Finally.
Wow, it felt good to hear. Relieving. But at the same time it was weird. Siguro kailangan ko lang masanay marinig yon mula sa kanya. Two years din kasi na "Arrain" siya nang "Arrain." It kinda stuck.
But then again, there was the other thing . . .
I slightly leaned forward on the table, my face completely even and my eyes never leaving his. "So yung promise mo na tatantanan mo na ako—"
"Ay paniguradong matutupad talaga." He laughed, his face lighting up but his eyes dimming. O baka imahinasyon ko lang iyon. The lights were kinda dim, after all. "Sinimulan ko na nga," aniya. "I told you, right? Since you came with me here, I'll give you what you want now. Mula ngayon, 'Rain' ka nalang para sa'kin. But it doesn't necessarily mean I like you any less," he added oh-so-casually. "Let's just say, it's the first step I'm going to do so I can get over you."
"Zen . . ."
Iwinasiwas niya ang kamay. "Wag kang mag-alala. I can handle a little heartbreak." Nag-tch siya. "Hindi ako katulad nung ex mong marupok."
Nasamid ako sa sariling laway. "H-ha? Ano? Sino'ng ex?"
"Hala siya! Kung maka-'sino'ng ex' naman 'to parang ang dami nila. Isa lang naman ang napag-alaman kong naging ex mo." The corner of his lips turned up mischievously. "He goes by the name Ysrael Gallardi, if I'm not mistaken."
I was kinda expecting it already but my mouth still went dry. Napainom tuloy ako ng wine ng di oras.
"S-saan . . ." I swallowed. "Saan mo naman nakuha ang pangalan na iyan?"
"Well, I'm not sure if you're familiar but his name is Andrew Blithe Aldejar—" Zen broke off in a fake gasp then pointed at me. "Oh, wait! He's your brother! That's right. Siya ang nagkwento sa'kin. And I must say . . ." Umiiling-iling siya. "Damn, girl. You really have a knack for breaking hearts, don't you?"
"Wanna die?"
"What? It's true! Poor Ysrael guy." He smirked. "Kung ako siguro siya, I would have made sure first that the girl I like at least had feelings for me before I dropped down on one knee and asked for her hand. That was the stupidest proposal I've ever heard of! Hahaha! Pinahiya niya lang ang sarili niya sa sariling katangahan! I wouldn't have—"
"Shut up," putol ko sa kanya sa malakas na boses saka binigyan siya ng malamig na tingin. "Wala kang alam, Zen, okay? You only know the story from my brother's perspective kaya wala kang karapatang husgahan si Ysrael, who, by the way, is not my ex since hindi naman naging kami." Dinuro ko siya ng tinidor. "Don't ever call him stupid again. And quit imagining yourself in his shoes dahil hindi naman siya magiging ikaw kahit kailan. Okay?"
I exhaled in annoyance and snatched my wineglass again for a sip, longer this time. Sumandig ako sa upuan at pinakalma ang sarili. Kainis na Zen. Ang kapal ng mukhang manglait, eh wala naman siyang alam.
Ngunit imbes na humingi ng paumanhin gaya ng inaasahan ko ay ikiniling lang niya ang ulo at kuryoso akong pinagmasdan. "You say that and yet you started avoiding me like the plague because I remind you of him. You didn't want to risk making another Ysrael out of me that's why you never gave me a chance, remember?"
Napatitig ako sa kanya sandali bago humalukipkip at maasim na ngumisi. "Pati ang bagay na iyan pala sinabi ni kuya sa'yo. What a gossip! I'm never telling him anything ever again!"
Dalawang kuya na pala ang kikitlan ko ng buhay pagkatapos nito, humanda sila.
"Hmm, sa'yo ko narinig iyon, actually. Nung summer pa, sa Camotes beach house."
Napamulagat ako. "What? You were eavesdropping?!"
"Nope! I accidentally heard you guys. Ang lakas kaya ng mga boses niyo, lalo na ikaw. Nakalimutan mo sigurong hindi lang kayo ang tao roon."
I thought about all the embarrassing things I'd said that day with Kuya Blithe, then I cringed. "Well, shit."
"Turned out for the best, anyway. That's when I asked your bro what you meant by that and then he told me what happened." He winked. "From his perspective, of course."
"Tss. Of course." I narrowed my eyes apprehensively. "Ano pa bang sinabi niya?"
"Well, sinabi rin niya na hindi sila makapaniwala na nagawa mo iyon kay Ysrael, because everyone was under the impression that you were both in love with each other. Pero gaya nga ng sabi mo, perspective niya lang iyon." He leaned forward and put his clasped hands on top of the table, a sign of growing interest. "What about your perspective, Rain? Ano ba talaga ang totoo?"
Mahabang katahimikan ang sumunod. Then I just decided, right then and there, that I would tell him, this guy who had nothing to do with anything, what I've been dying to talk to someone about. For years, I've been bottling this up to myself. I guess it was high time I let it all out.
Kaya kinuwento ko ang tungkol sa amin ni Ysrael, lahat-lahat, as far as my memory could go. All my regrets, frustrations, thought and feelings I'd kept to myself. I told him. And Zen was suprisingly quiet as he listened, just nodding his head here and there and sometimes rolling his eyes or faking a shocked expression at the right moments, so I was also laughing and giggling while I talked. But mostly I was serious, especially as I recalled that blasted graduation day.
At para akong nakahinga nang maluwag pagkatapos.
Tumikhim si Zen. "Wow. So in the end, you were in love with him but you just didn't want to admit it to yourself because you're scared of being committed to someone at that age. Wow."
"I was not in love with him! Hindi ka nakikinig ng maayos, eh! I was . . ." I trailed off, scratching the side of my jaw while trying to find the right words to say. "I guess, I've come to like his company and became fond of him over time. Ayokong masaktan siya, at ayoko ring mawala siya sa'kin. Either rejecting him or being honest with him would have meant both." I blinked rapidly to stop the tears from coming. "A-ayoko naman nun."
"So you chose to string him along instead."
"Gano'n na nga siguro. But at that time, I was thinking, the moment I'm sure I can't return his feelings for me, I'll tell him then." I sighed, suddenly emotionally tired. "It took a lot longer than I expected."
"Four years." Napainom si Zen sa kanyang kopita saka tinapunan ako ng hindi makapaniwalang tingin. "I'm gonna have to say it again, Rain. That poor Ysrael."
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "O, kampi ka na sa kanya, ganoon?"
"Aba natural! Because now I'm curious about his perspective. I'm pretty sure you must have told him you love him at some point, or that you like him, at least. Kasi imagine, nagawa niyang mag-hold on sa'yo ng ganoon katagal. Girl, come on!" He gestured with his hands wildly. "That's a fucking long time for a courtship! Siguradong may pinanghugutan yung tao, lalo na kung ang unang naisip niyang gawin pagkabalik niya ay alukin ka ng kasal." Zen fixed me with an incredulous look. "You must have been a heavy paasa back then, huh?"
Ngumiwi ako. "I might have, uh, told him I loved him too, once. Or maybe that was twice," I amended sheepishly, "when he was still in the States. M-malay ko bang may balak pa siyang bumalik dito."
Naihilamos ni Zen ang mga palad sa kanyang mukha. "God, I knew it," he mumbled in a defeated voice.
I rolled my eyes at his dramatics though my cheeks felt warm. "So—" I cleared my throat. "Siguro naman gets mo na kung bakit heavy maldita ako sa'yo. Ayoko nang magpaasa ulit ng ganoon."
Nagpatango-tango siya. "Gets ko na, oo. Pero yung part na kailangan mo pang laitin yung tao, yun yung hindi ko ma-gets." He let out a sigh. "You should have just been honest in the first place. The dude would have understood if he really cared for you. Why did you have to say those very demeaning words, though? At sa harap pa talaga ng mga magulang niya, ha."
Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin. "I had to. Merely telling him wouldn't be enough because he would have just said he'd wait for me until I'm ready or something. Ayokong gawin iyon sa kanya, sa'ming dalawa, dahil wala namang kasiguraduhan. I needed him to let me go completely so I chose to use that card."
"Well, do you regret it?"
Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga ngunit hindi sumagot. Hindi ko rin sinasalubong ang nagtatanong niyang tingin dahil alam kong may makikita siya sa aking mga mata na hindi dapat. Nagkunwari nalang akong interesado sa mga puting rosas sa gitna ng mesa.
"Fine," ani Zen. "At least answer me this last question, Rain."
"What now?" I asked impatiently.
"Do you want him back?"
I had to snort out a sardonic laugh. "So what if I do, right? He hates me now. As he should."
"Regardless. Do you?" he persisted. "Or do you not?"
I stared at the white tablecloth blankly for a long moment. Then without really thinking, I blurted out, "I do want him back. So much that it hurts thinking about how he used to be every night and how different everything is now between us. Whenever I see him these days it's like a huge wrecking ball of regret running me over, you know? Di ko dapat siya sinaktan noon. Alam kong mali, pero at the same time, I know it was for the best.
"I regretted hurting him but I don't regret pushing him away. Kasi alam ko na kung hindi ko ginawa iyon, we wouldn't be who we are now, and I happen to like who I've become. I'm sure ganoon din siya. So despite the guilt, I feel relieved at the same time because it was the worst yet the best decision I've ever made in my life, at hindi ko babaguhin iyon kahit bigyan man ako ng pagkakataon." Miserable ang mukhang binalingan ko ang kaharap. "Naiintindihan mo ba ang sinasabi ko, Zen? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense right now."
"Don't worry," sagot niya makalipas ang ilang segundo. "I understood you clearly enough." Sumilay muli ang mapanglokong ngisi sa kanyang mga labi. This time, however, his eyes twinkled. "Okay, then. My work here is done. Thank you for humoring me to dinner, Rain. Good talk. Uh, CR lang ako sandali. Wag kang aalis."
Hindi niya ako hinintay na makasagot at tumayo na siya saka mabilisang iniwan ako. I stared after him with my mouth partly open. Huh? Hindi ba dapat linya ko iyon?
Nagkibit nalang ako ng balikat at sumandig muli sa upuan. Then I replayed everything I just said a few seconds ago. I felt myself blushing.
I want Ysrael back? Talaga? Mamatay man? Mapunta man sa impyerno?
Dahan-dahang iniling ko ang ulo bilang pagkaila. It can't be. Nadadala lang siguro ako sa aura ng restaurant na ito. Indeed, it was the perfect place to make someone feel special, to make someone confess. It makes you want to talk feelings, even those that were buried deep, and make a fool out of yourself like a class A idiot. I can't trust this. It was just nostalgia and a little bit of wine speaking for me. It was just—
But then a voice spoke.
"Totoo ba ang lahat ng narinig ko . . . Arrain?"
I gasped.
~~~~~