~~~~~
I let three more days pass before I finally made up my mind.
'You know what to do.'
Finally, I did. And for the whole day today, my heart never ceased its beating of a hundred-mile-an-hour.
Sa tatlong araw na iyon ay napag-isip-isip kong tama si Freyah. Saka lang ako makakahinga ng maluwag kung masagot na ang lahat ng mga katanungan sa isip ko: kung ano ba talaga ang totoong pakay ni Ysrael sa'kin, kung bakit siya bumabalik ulit sa buhay ko, kung ano'ng trip niya sa pagsulpot-sulpot kung saan ako naroroon kagaya ng dati, kung kumusta ba siyang talaga, kung kinamuhian niya ba ako sa nakalipas na mga taon at kung napatawad niya na ba ako, pero kung hindi pa ay kung bakit niya ibinigay ang singsing na para bang ipinapahiwatig niyang gusto niya pa rin akong . . .
Pakasalan.
Eherm.
The thought quickly brought a strange warmth to my cheeks, and I bit the inner part of my lower lip. Ysrael's perspective, as Zen had said. He was curious? Well, I was more than just curious. Mula sa "I would like to know" ay umabot na ako sa puntong "I badly need to know what the hell was on Ysrael Gallardi's mind before I go insane." So before any baring of my heart and soul whatsoever, I would first demand answers until the last of the question marks in my head became periods. Until I was satisfied that I wouldn't be making any more mistakes that I would regret for the rest of my life.
Kaya ito ang napagpasyahan kong gagawin. Pagkauwi ay dederetso ako sa penthouse para harapin si Ysrael. At ipinapangako ko sa sarili na hindi matatapos ang gabing ito na hindi kami nagkakaliwanagan ng lalaking iyon. And after that . . .
Well, bahala na si Bangtan—este, Batman. I'll just let the chips fall where they may. For now, I'll have to get through this celebratory dinner first.
I took a sip of my watered down iced tea and looked around the happily chattering and munching people with a small smile on my face.
The whole copy editing department was here at J-Park Hotel's famous seafood restaurant, care of the company, to celebrate the successful publishing of twenty-nine books for last month and finally releasing them to the market today. Syempre, ang ibang departments ay nasa ibang restaurant dahil malamang hindi kami magkakasya kung dumito ang lahat ng empleyado ng AuthorWorks. Sa team pa nga lang namin may halos dalawampung tao na. And it wasn't all we were celebrating. We all received bonuses too. But that was not because were a lucky bunch; we all worked very hard to earn it.
Hayy.
It's good to at last feel that everything we did at our respective work stations every single day and night could affect real people's lives at this capacity. Our clients were over the moon and sending us nonstop love and thanks that really touched our hearts. Sobra raw ang kaligayahang naramdaman nila na matatawag na silang "published authors" ngayon, lalo na yung mga first timers. I could only emphathize. Kasi ako man ay muntik nang mapaiyak kanina nang bigyan kami ng sarili naming kopya ng mga libro at makita ang aming pangalan sa Acknowledgments page bilang copy editors ng mga iyon.
There was no way to explain the accomplished feeling in words, seriously. Kung hindi lang sana distracted ang utak ko sa ibang bagay ay mas mag-eenjoy ako sa masarap na pagkain at pakikipagchikahan.
"Sayang, wala si Mel, noh? Siya pa naman ang nakakuha ng best performance prize sa team natin. Five thousand pesos. Hayy, I should've stolen her ATM card when I had the chance. Siguradong limpak-limpak na salapi ang laman ng account niya ngayon. `Kainggit!"
"Buang man ka, Frey!" Binatukan ito ni Jaina ng marahan. "As if hindi rin nag-uumapaw ang pera mong kuripot ka. And give Mel a break, okay? Five years na siyang nagtatrabaho pero never pa niyang ginamit kahit isa sa mga vacation leave niya. The woman's brain deserves one whole month of peace and quiet. Kahit nga isang taon pa ang hiningi niya I'm sure i-a-approve pa rin ni Miss L with no further questions."
Okay. Napasabat na ako sa narinig.
"Wow, five years without a break. That's hard to imagine." Hindi ko makita ang aking sarili na ganoon kasipag at ka-dedicated, pramis. "Eh, saan naman daw siya magbabakasyon, Jain? Dito lang sa Pinas o somewhere out there over the rainbow?"
"Sa Netherlands." Si Freyah ang sumagot. Napanganga ako. Wow, that was my dream destination someday. Nginisihan nito ang namamangha kong mukha. "I suggested it, actually. At first she wasn't sure because it's too far away, but good thing Xyler was able to convince her in the end. Maganda sa Netherlands. She'll become a new person when she comes back. I know, `coz I've been there."
I raised an eyebrow. "Who's Xyler?"
Freyah blinked. "Oh. Uh, he's Mel's older brother. Someone who's not really important—"
"Weeeh?" Jaina grinned teasingly, poking Frey on the arm. "Not really important pero siya yung date mo nung anniversary? Denial ka girl?"
My mouth formed an 'o.' "Ah, that's his name. Xyler."
I vaguely remembered the handsome face of the guy who came with Frey that night. Nakatatandang kapatid pala iyon ni Amelia. Sayang at hindi niya naipakilala sa'kin since nasa stage ako buong gabi at busy sa pag-e-emcee. Apparently, Jaina already knew who he was. And it seemed she also knew something else that had everything to do with our friend over here who couldn't hide the redenning of her cheeks as she innocently tried to avoid our gazes.
Hmmm. Uusyusohin ko na sana ito nang marinig kong tinatawag ang aking pangalan.
"Rain! Come here, girl! May chika si Miss L sa'yo, dali!"
Nanggaling ang malakas na boses ni Sir Cris mula sa kabilang table. He was seated with Miss L, Rei, and Prince, and they were now all looking at me with various mysterious expressions on their faces.
Agad na bumangon ang aking pagtataka sa sobrang excitement na maririnig sa kanyang tono. Napalingon tuloy ang iba naming kasamahan kaya na-conscious ako ng bahagya. Nevertheless, I still stood and went over to my seniors, both curious and apprehensive.
"Come sit." Miss L patted the vacant chair beside her with a smile. She looked normal enough to me, neat and put-together and nice and expensive-smelling, except for the gleam in her eyes that wasn't usually there—oh, wait, let me rephrase that—that was only there when an idea was brewing in her head. I gulped.
I hope I was just imagining things. Miss L and her ideas didn't usually mean good news for the recipient. Like that one time she set up Clarence on a blind date in the guise of a potential client meet-up. Safe to say the girl was traumatized for life. Anti-relationship kasi iyon dahil sa hindi magandang history ng mama at papa nito. Pero ang sinabi lang ni Miss L?
"Oh ,well. Maybe he's not her type. I'll just find someone better then. Next time."
See why I was feeling apprehensive?
Pero naupo pa rin ako, syempre. Kahit papaano ay boss ko pa rin siya kaya katulad ni Clarence ay hindi ako makakatanggi.
"Thanks," sabi ko saka nginitian silang lahat na nasa table. "Hi, guys! Enjoying the champagne?"
"`Naman! Nothing but the best for the team," sagot ni Sir Cris sabay taas ng kanyang flute. Rei and Prince both grinned, but didn't say anything. Then they all turned expectantly to our boss who was taking something out from her Prada bag. Binalingan ko rin siya, para lang masorpresa.
"This is for you," Miss L said, handing to me a book that was already opened on a certain page. With a manicured nail, she pointed at the lower-left portion where my eyes automatically fell. "Surprise!"
Oh. My. God.
I gasped softly. "This is . . ."
"Yes, dear. It's my dear nephew's autograph. And I can guarantee you that it's true and genuine because I made him do it myself," ani Miss L na mariringgan ng self-pride sa kanyang boses. "Hayy, kahit pahirapan, mabuti nalang at nakumbinsi ko sa huli ang batang iyon. I had to use all kinds of methods just to get him to sign it, you know? You should be proud of me! Nalabanan ko ang kasungitan ng aking pamangkin. I deserve a Nobel award dfor this!" Miss L giggled as she probably remembered that particular scenario with her nephew. Then she gave me a meaningful look when I raised my eyes filled with tears of gratitude to hers. "I know, I know. You're welcome. No need to be so emo."
"Miss L. I love you," tanging nasambit ko saka agad na ibinalik ang tingin sa sulat-kamay ng author na si Ezra Kade. His very own signature. I actually had it in my hands, even before I could ask for it. Even when I thought it was never happening anymore. Wow.
Just wow. My heart was definitely very happy.
Kanina kasi nang nagdo-door to door ang ilang staff galing sa printing department para i-iisue sa amin ang aming mga kopya ay hinintay ko talaga ang libro ni Mr. Kade, ngunit aalis nalang kami para sa celebratory dinner ay hindi talaga ako nakatanggap. Just the children's book, an autobiography, and a young adult novel about a guy and his bitter ex. None of it was the book of heartbreaking poetry, and I was almost heartbroken because I really thought that for some reason I will never be able to receive a copy.
Iyon pala . . . Si Miss L talaga, may pa-surprise surprise pang nalalaman!
Uulitin ko lang, ha? Best. Boss. Ever!
"Someone loves her present," Sir Cris said in a sing-song voice. "Uy, Rain! Nagha-heart heart na mga mata mo, girl. Juice ko `day! Hinay-hinay lang sa pagtitig baka mabutas yung buong libro, sayang naman ang effort ni Madam!"
Snickers erupted around the table, and even from the nearby tables when the other editors overheard. I barely gave anyone any attention because I was too busy admiring the strong and manly strokes of the black marker on the page. Ang gwapo kasi ng penmaship, syet! Kahit na cursive ang pagkakasulat sa initials ay lalaking-lalaki pa rin. Napapaisip tuloy ako kung gwapo rin kaya ang sumulat.
Say, would it be wrong of me to ask Miss L about her nephew that way? Pero baka bawiin sa'kin ang libro kung isipin niyang may crush ako sa penmanship ng kanyang dear nephew. Never mind. Ise-search ko nalang mamaya sa internet si 'Ezra Kade.' `Tutal, isa na naman akong self-proclaimed na tagahanga kaya may lisensyang na siguro akong mang-stalk.
Di ba? Di ba? Hehe. Babasahin ko ulit ito mamaya. Kapag makaget-over na ako sa autograph, that is.
But then my brain clicked and I noticed something strange. My mouth slowly parted. Teka. Bakit parang may mali? Bakit . . .
Biglang bumangon ang kaba sa aking dibdib nang pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga letrang nakasulat. An image flashed in my head. A maroon jacket, and the letters embroidered on the left chest pocket. They were the same initials. Why were they the same initials?
Could it be . . . ?
"Miss L." Medyo nanginginig ang mga kamay na ipakita ko sa kanya ang signature. "What does this mean?"
"Hmm? Alin? Ahh, 'Y.G.'? They are the initials of Ezra's real name. I guess he's not used to using 'E.K.' yet so he used that one." Miss L leaned towards me and spoke in a low voice that was only meant for me to hear. "Okay, fine. I'll only tell this to you because you're adorable, Rain. And I like you." The corner of her eyes crinkled as she grinned conspiratorially. "'Ezra' is actually my nephew's nickname, and 'Kade' is the second name that he only uses whenever he feels like being mysterious, hence, the pseudonym Ezra Kade. Haha! Weird af, right? Anyways, that 'Y.G.' right there stands for 'Ysrael Gallardi.' But don't tell anyone, okay? It's his secret—Rain? Are you okay, dear?"
I froze like I've been iced. The book fell to the floor with a thud.
Ezra Kade . . . was Ysrael?
Syet!
I have to get out of here. Now.
-----
Ilang beses ko nang in-imagine ang araw na gagamitin ko sa wakas ang penthouse keycard ni Ysrael, pero ni sa hinagap ay hindi ko nakinitang ibang-iba pala sa inaasahan ang magiging dahilan ng biglaan kong pagsugod sa kanya.
Fracking writers and their thing for pseudonyms!
Well, granted, I was already planning to go to him in the first place. But this was regarding a whole different matter altogether, because I was the foolishly clueless fan idolizing his poetry and he was the author in disguise who might have been laughing at me behind my back for knowing something I didn't all this time. The thought brought a wave of nauseating embarrassment to my whole being, yet I still needed to confirm Miss L's absurd claims with Mr. "Ezra Kade" himself. Para sa ikatatahimik ng aking kaluluwa.
And this didn't have anything to do with the unresolved issues between the two of us at all.
Or, maybe it did. I just didn't know how exactly.
Pigil ang aking hininga nang magsimulang umakyat ang elevator.
I'd never been so moved by the cryptic and deeply embedded meaning of the lines of a poetry before. I found them boring to read and too much hassle to interpret, to think I was a book lover who was supposed to be interested in reading anything and everything. Until that freaking manuscript came along and made me shed tears as early as the first few lines. Nagbago ang tingin ko sa mga tula simula ng araw na iyon. And it was only now that I could see why.
Kaya pala ganoon ako kaapektado. Kaya pala nasaktan ako sa mga salitang iyon, hindi dahil sa tinamaan ako kundi dahil tumatagos sa'kin mula sa mga pahina ang sakit na gustong ipahiwatig ng sumulat niyon.
Kung kanina ay excited akong basahin muli ang mga nilalaman ng libro, ngayon ay parang natatakot na akong buksan ito ulit. Because the poems might have been Ysrael's messages for me over the years when he'd been away. And he might have pulled some strings, like taken advantage of his aunt's position in the company, for that manuscript to land on my lap. Para mabasa ko. Para maipamukha sa'kin kung gaano ko siya nasaktan. Para makaramdam ako ng ganitong pagsisisi at sobrang guilt.
Giatay.
Humigpit ang aking kamay sa librong hawak-hawak habang pinakakatitigan itong mabuti.
The cover page was a painted picture of a misty sunset outside an open window. Pero kahit na black and white ang color scheme ay pamilyar pa rin sa'kin ang view ng mga puno at kabundukan na matatanaw sa malayo. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay ito ang makikita mo kapag dumungaw ka sa labas ng bintana doon sa rest house ni Sir Raganas, where we had that rainy team building back in high school. Then my heart started to pound. Because on the lower right corner, a diamond ring, so small you would miss it at first glance, was lying on the windowsill, looking so sad and abandoned. It had the very same design as the ring that Ysrael left on my nightstand many nights ago. And to make me feel even worse about myself, there on the centermost part of the cover, written in elegant cursive font in blood red, the title said: Lost in Rain.
I . . . was Rain. And he'd been lost. For the past six years. Because I couldn't love him enough.
Because I was selfish.
The squeezing pain in my heart came all too suddenly that I clutched at my blouse and rubbed at my chest in an attempt to alleviate it. But it didn't work. Huh. I deserved it anyway. It wasn't even revenge, but it was certainly enough to make me feel like karma has just bitch-slapped me in the face. Now I could only take it without complaints.
God.
What have I done to that poor boy's heart?
Noon ko lang napansin na umiiyak na pala ako nang maramdaman and pamamasa ng aking mga pisngi. Syet, and drama ko! Agad kong pinalis ang mga letseng luha, at eksakto namang bumukas ang elevator.
Okay, Rain. Nandito na tayo. Wala nang atrasan pa. No matter how painful this was going to be, remember that even the worst of storms passes too, and in its wake follows eternal calm.
We are going after the eternal calm. So change of plans.
Tonight I was going to ask for his forgiveness. Not answers. Not explanations. Forgiveness. It was long overdue anyway. Bahala nang lumuhod ako at magmakaawa. Ngayon ko napagtanto na mas mahalaga sa'kin ang closure. At higit pa roon, mahalaga rin sa'kin na malaman ni Ysrael kung ano talaga ang totoo kong nararamdaman para sa kanya. Noon at ngayon.
And I will tell him to his face. It was high time I bare my heart and soul to him, just like what he's always done for me. Para patas kami.
Taking a huge, steadying breath, I stepped out of the elevator as ready I can be. Ngunit ilang hakbang palang ang aking nagagawa ay nakita ko ang isang matangkad, balingkinitan, at napakagandang babae na naglalakad mula sa loob ng penthouse at papunta sa aking direksyon. Sa sobrang ganda nito ay akala ko isang aparisyon ng dyosa ang aking nakikita. And it looked like this goddess was just with Ysrael a few seconds ago because I hadn't even blinked two times yet and he was already walking out right behind her, and he was in the middle of putting on a shirt.
Halleluia.
Napaatras ako ng isang hakbang.
"All right, all right. Ihahatid na kita," Ysrael was saying in an appeasing tone. "`Wag ka nang magtampo, it's not like this is the first time I refused to—what the fuck?"
That was when he saw me. Our eyes instantly met. His arms fell limply to his sides and his shirt dropped to the floor, along with his jaw.
What . . . on the freaking earth did I just walk into?
~~~~~