~~~~~
In my almost twenty-four years of existence so far, I could swear that my life had never been this asungot-free.
Tatlong linggo na ang lumipas mula nang tuluyang umalis si Zen sa bansa at magpakalayo-layo. Nakumpirma kong hindi lang siya nagdadramanoon sa Chateau nang mag-iwan siya ng goodbye message sa'kin sa Messenger. He'd never done something so dramatic before so I was convinced.
/
So long, beautiful Rain. Until we meet again. At ayusin mo lang na may jowa kana sa susunod nating pagkikita kung ayaw mong pagdiskitahan na naman kitang pormahan x500 the effort next time. Will try not to miss you too much. Oops, char lang! Mwehehehehehe
Take care bitaw. Sayonara! :')
/
Tapos may gif pa ng kumakaway habang humahagulgol na bunny rabbit.
Pshh. OA guy. I swear, hindi ako napangiti nun. Mga one millimeter lang.
Another confirmation that he was really true to his words was when Kuya Blithe himself brought it up during our traditional first Sunday lunches at the manor house. Safe to say, naging topic namin (actually, nila) si Zen at ang pag-alis nito for the good part of the meal. Ako ay nakikinig lamang sa isang tabi at nagfo-focus kuno sa pagnguya ng masarap na roasted beef specialty ni Mama. I tried not to butt in because, really, I didn't have anything good to say. Mukha kasing ako lang ang masaya dahil hindi ko ito makikita sa matagal-tagal na panahon. Eh kung maka-react ang pamilya ko, parang anak at kapatid ang nawala at hindi na babalik.
Mama was so sad she almost looked like she would cry anytime soon. Papa had stopped eating and wore this thoughtful look on his face as he listened to Zen's plans through Kuya Blithe's intelligence. Kuya Civil and Ate Van seemed to be in their own private bubble, but their faces visibly fell at the news. And lastly, Kuya Blithe shot narrow-eyed glances at me all the while, giving me the feeling that he thought all this was my fault.
Hindi ko siya pinansin kahit deep inside ay gusto ko siyang dambahin at pugutan ng ulo gamit lamang ang spaghetti noodles.
Like what the eff! It was Zen's life! Masyado nang matanda ang taong iyon para ibase ang mga desisyong gagawin sa ibang tao, lalo na sa tulad ko lang na never naman ito tinrato ng matino. Isa pa, kahit iyon ang gusto nitong palabasin, I had a feeling Zen's leaving wasn't completely for the sake of appeasing me. There just might be a bigger story behind it. Malay mo naman, may pinagdadaanan yung tao na wala naman palang kinalaman sa'kin at kailangan niyang magpakalayo-layo.Such as . . . the worsening economic crisis in the country that was negatively affecting his family's business so he thought he needed to do some soul-searching to find some peace of mind. Di ba? Di ba?
Syempre, hindi ko na problema iyon.
Ang kaso ay napilitan pa rin akong makisawsaw sa usapan ng matatanda nang mauubos ko nalang ang aking dessert na leche flan ay wala pa ring nagme-mention kung saan nga ba talagang kontinente ang ugok magpupunta.
But wait. It didn't mean I cared, okay? I just wanted to be aware which country not to go to in case I suddenly decided to take a vacation one of these months. Yun lang.
Predictably, though, Kuya Blithe quickly swallowed the food he was chewing just so he could answer me.
"Bakit, sis? Susundan mo siya? Ikaw naman ang maghahabol ngayon kasi sa wakas ay tinantanan ka na?" Iwinasiwas niya ang hawak na tinidor sa ere. "Naku, wag na! Maawa ka sa tao. Hayaan mo na para naman makaget-over na iyon sa'yo! Wag mo nang alamin. Lalo mo lang siyang sasaktan, sinasabi ko sa'yo."
I cast him a mortified look. Pinagsasasabi nito?!
Tapos bigla nalang tumawa si Kuya Civil sa kinauupuan kaya napabaling kaming lahat dito.
"Aba, imposible 'yang sinasabi mo, 'tol!" malakas na kontra nito bago ko pa man masinghalan ang isang kapatid naming bugok. "Bakit naman maghahabol ang batang 'to sa ibang lalaki, eh, nandito na sa Pilipinas ang totoong nobyo niyan? Sermunan pa si Rain ng selosong iyon, magkagulo-gulo pa." Nakangising bumaling ito sa'kin. "Di ba, little sis?"
Muntik na akong mabulunan sa kinakain.
What on the freaking earth did this other dingus just say?!
Sisipain ko na sana ito sa ilalim ng mesa nang umalingawngaw sa buong hapag ang kalansing ng mga kubyertos na nalaglag sa babasaging pinggan.
"Ano? May nobyo si Arrain?" Papa demanded all of a sudden, an amazed expression on his face as his eyes traveled back and forth among his three children, before settling on the eldest one. "Kailan pa, Adam? Bakit hindi namin alam ang tungkol diyan? Ano'ng pangalan ng lalaki? When can we officially meet him?"
Hayun nga, tuluyan na akong nabulunan.
Si Mama ay walang imik na nakatingin lamang sa'kin mula sa kabilang panig ng mahabang mesa at nakaangat ang dalawang kilay na tila sinasabing, Ows? Talaga? Hindi nga?
Si Kuya Blithe naman, halos lumuwa ang eyeballs at esophagus sa laki ng pagkakabuka ng mga mata at bibig. "Holy fu. . . Kuya, don't tell me . . . ? Oh shit!"
"Andrew Blithe! Language!"
"Sorry, Pa. Na-shock lang. Hehe. Peace. Pero di nga, Kuya? Totoong nagbalik na s-siya? Kailan pa? Bakit alam mo pero di ko alam?!"
Cue, my whole family moving on to this new topic and forgetting about Zen's existence (or absence?) completely. I should be relieved, only that this topic was a thousand times worse.
The moment everyone's eyes turned to me when Kuya Civ refused to give any more information, I immediately escaped at lightning speed to my room to avoid the line of fire that would surely destroy the last of the working brain cell that was keeping me sane. I didn't unlock the door until it was time for me to go back to my condo so no one could corner me. No comments allowed. I got nothing to say.
My mouth remained shut for the whole day, except when I was shoving spoonfuls of cookies and cream while silently fuming in front of theTV on my own living room at 12-freaking-AM.
Nobyo? Nandito sa Pilipinas ang "totoo" kong nobyo? At magkakagulo kung pagselosan niya si Zen?
Aba't pakisagot nga kung who what when where how why?
Pahamak na Adam Civil Lechugas Aldejar at mga ideya niya sa buhay.
At saan naman kaya niya napulot ang mga kasinungalingang iyon? Ang tinutukoy ba niya ay si . . . ? Oh my gosh. Did he know about what happened between me and . . . No. Imposible. He couldn't have. Or I'll have been locked away in the basement to prevent any more indecent acts. Pero kahit pa nalaman nga niya, paano naman niya naisip na nonobyohin ko ang isang taong hindi na muling nagpakita o nagparamdam for three straight weeks matapos akong bitinin sa ere at bilinan pa ng matatalinghagang salita? Did he think I was that desperate?
'Whenever you're ready to bare your heart and soul to me, my naughty little Arrain, you know what to do,' Ysrael had said before leaving me to stare at his retreating, sexy back half-naked, openmouthed, and murderously frustrated.
Lechugas talaga.
Mali ako. I wasn't asungot-free just yet. Nakaligtas nga ako kay Zenith pero may mga naiwan pa palang mga asungot sa buhay ko sa katauhan ng dalawa kong magaling na kapatid. Idagdag pa ang talipandas na si Ysrael the seducer and problem-maker, I was well on my way to my early death and I wasn't even twenty-five yet.
Pagbuhulin ko silang tatlo, eh! Grrrrr.
And speaking of Mr. Gallardi. Nag-flash na naman sa utak ko ang imahe ng ipinatong niyang mga bagay sa ibabaw ng aking nightstand ng gabing iyon. The princess-cut diamond ring he'd offered me before but I heartlessly rejected, and the keycard to his penthouse. Ever since those objects came to my possession, I've been drifting in and out of reality. Palagi na akong nadi-distract sa trabaho at hindi ako makatulog ng maayos.
'You know what to do.'
A lifeless chuckle escaped my lips as I stared unseeingly at my computer screen. Right. If I knew what to do then I shouldn't be feeling like nothing was making sense at all. Well, actually, may ideya ako kung ano ang ibig ipahiwatig ng loko sa sinabi niyang iyon. Duh. Nga lang ay hindi pa kayang i-confront ng aking isip at kaluluwa.
Ysrael had just found out that I wanted him back. And also he'd admitted, in both words and actions, that he still wanted me. Na ako pa rin daw hanggang ngayon. Emphasis on "daw."
Butt.
Ah, I mean, but.
I think the decision was up to me. If I wanted us to be together, I was going to have to . . . marry him first. Syet na malupet. Hindi ko ma-imagine na nakasuot sa aking daliri ang singsing, leche flan! I was too young to be called a married woman! Isang Mrs! Yikes. Hindi ba pwedeng jowa muna? Bakit ba nagmamadali ang lokong lalaking iyon? May hinahabol ba siyang deadline or something? Hindi ba babae dapat ang nagproproblema tungkol sa 'paglampas sa kalendaryo'? Masahol pa siya sa'kin.
Napasabunot ako sa sariling buhok at impit na umungot na parang asong gutom. Naramdaman kong may kumulbit sa aking braso.
"Huy, R. Okay lang you? Having trouble with your manuscript or something?"
Doon ulit ako natauhan at naalalang nasa opisina pala ako at office hours pa. Medyo nahihiyang binalingan ko ang aking dakilang seatmate at nag-peace sign.
"Nah, I'm fine, Freyah babe. Hindi lang ako makapaniwalang na-interchange ng author na ito ang 'stationary' at 'stationery.' Hehe. It's all good. Don't mind me." Nginisihan ko pa siya ng pagkalaki-laki.
"Uh," hindi naniniwalang sambit ni Freyah. "You look like a creep with that smile, girl. Stop faking it and fucking tell me what's been bothering you lately. I can help."
Dahil sa sinabi niya ay hindi na ako nakatiis. I really needed to talk to someone, badly. Watching the wall clock across the room, I waited until the time said 4:15 PM, our break time in the afternoon. Saka ko lang iniharap ang swivel chair sa katrabahong kaibigan at itinukod ang isang siko sa desk. "Okay, fine, I'll spill. May tanong ako sa'yo," seryoso kong panimula.
Freyah became attentive at once. "Sure, fire me. Basta ba hindi lang iyan tungkol sa pulitika or I'll walk out of here."
I almost snickered at that. This girl hated talking about the topic. "Hindi tungkol sa pulitika, pramis. Ahm, ano . . . ano ba ang target age mong mag-asawa?"
"Ayy, dzae!" she exclaimed. Napatalon pa ako nang bigla niyanghampasin ang kanyang mesa. "Walang edad-edad sa akin! Kahit ngayon pa mismo may mag-alok ng kasal, eh, hala bira!" Humalakhak siya nang mapamulagat ako. "Bakit? 'Kagulat ba? Hahah! Pero I'm serious, though. Jowa nalang ang wala sa'kin kaya hanggang ngayon ay literally single pa ako. Hayy, kung may magkakamali lang sana . . ."
"R-really?" I shot her a dubious look, though she looked like she really meant it. "Ready ka na? Twenty-five ka lang, di ba?"
"Girl, wala iyan sa edad. If you feel in your bones your readiness to become a mother and a wife, then it's time to take action before it's too late." She wagged her eyebrows once. Then her face suddenly became super curious as she spun her swivel chair so now we were facing each other. Nilapit niya ang upuan at pinakatitigang mabuti ang aking mukha. "Why why why are you asking such an unusual question, though? May nag-propose ba sa'yo at di ka sure kung approve or reject?"
I sighed. She caught me very easily. "Parang ganoon na nga."
"What's the issue? Love ka pero di mo love? Pera lang ang habol sa'yo? Companionship? Katawan? Sex? Ano? Tell me, dali!"
"H-ha? Ah, eh." Saglit akong hindi nakasagot at mayamaya ay tila ako nauupos na kandilang sumandig sa upuan. "Ewan ko, Frey. Siguro hindi lang ako ready. I—I think I'm too young."
I didn't sound convincing at all even to myself.
"Okay, ganito. Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with this guy, whoever he is? Do you think magiging masaya kayo together 'pag nagkasama kayo sa iisang bubong as husband and wife?"
Husband . . .and wife? Me and Ysrael?
Oh my gosh. Why did that suddenly sound so . . . nice?
"Um, I think so?"
"Har har. Di ka sure." Frey shot me a grimace but then immediately became serious again. Mukhang nararamdaman niya kasi ang mood ko kaya naging matino rin ang mga sagot niya. "Anyways! Sabihin na nating sure ka. You want to be with each other, and now he proposed to you. Isa lang ang sagot diyan. Say yes, girl! Ano ngayon kung hindi ka ready sa marriage life? Di naman ibig sabihin 'pag umoo ka, eh, deretso kayo agad sa simbahan, di ba? Being engaged and being married are two different things, R, in case you didn't realize. You'll have to set the date first. And depending on when you feel like it, it can even be a year or two from now. Pwede ring ten o twenty, basta alam mo sa sarili mong ready ka na.
"Kasi kung mahal ka talaga ng kung sinong lalaki man iyang pinoproblema mo, hindi ka niya mamadaliin. It's just that, by being his fiancee, you will be giving him enough assurance that you're also dreaming of a future together with him, so it's important that you give him an answer, ASAP. The real question here is whether or not you love him enough to give him the said assurance."
Napaisip ako. Hmm. Amazing. May sense siya. Engagement pa lang naman pala, hindi kailangan ikasal agad. Medyo napahiya tuloy ako sa sarili ko dahil pagrampa agad sa simbahan ang naisip ko. Yet that image of me, in a pure white wedding dress as I walked down the aisle towards the man I'll spend the rest of my life with. . . six years ago it had scared me shitless, enough to give me the courage to hurt Ysrael with my words. Enough to send me scuttling away.
Now, though, it was giving a strangely warm feeling in my chest, and I couldn't get it out of my head.
I wanted it. With Ysrael. And this time, I was sure. Kasi mahal ko siya. At gusto kong kutusan ang sarili ko kung paanong umabot muna ng ganito katagal bago ko nagawang aminin ang bagay na iyon.
Though there was still the matter of the "real question."
"What if he hates me because I hurt him before and he still hasn't forgiven me? What then?" Mariin kong tinitigan si Frey para sa kanyang sagot.
"Hates you? Huh? Saan naman nanggaling iyan?" She looked baffled. "Did he tell you that?"
Napatigil ako. "N-no, not exactly."
"Ganoon naman pala, eh. And why would he ask to marry you if he hates you, right? That wouldn't make sense at all."
"No, it wouldn't." I let out a forlorn sigh. "But I have this feeling, Frey. Nag-aalala ako na baka hindi naman pala talaga siya seryoso. That maybe he's out to take revenge after all. Oh my gosh. What if may balak pala siyang hindi ako siputin sa araw ng kasal para mapahiya ako sa mga tao? I'll be humiliated for the rest of my life! And my family too! Kawawa naman sila . . ."
Yikes.
Katulad nga naman ng ginawa ko sa kanya dati. That, indeed, would be just the perfect form of retaliation. Hindi ko nga lang sigurado kung may kakayahang gawin iyon si Ysrael, who had always been a nice and warm and kind human being, especially towards me. But who knows what's going on in his mind nowadays?
Who knows?
Napatalon muli ako sa gulat nang bigla nalang padapuin ni Freyah ang kanyang palad sa aking hita. Nang malakas. Aray! I glared at her but she just beamed hugely at me.
"Just stop overthinking and say yes if you want to, will you? Ang mga revenge-revenge na ganyan, R, ay sa mga libro at palabas lang nangyayari. They don't really happen in real life. Masyadong magastos." She gently patted the thigh she just slapped as if to soothe it. "Kung mayroon man kayong mga hindi pagkakaunawan in the past ng boylet mo, whatever it is, obviously the only thing to do is talk it out with him. Get answers. Clear the air. Settle what needs to be settled. Close what needs closure. Saka ka lang makakahinga ng maluwag. Nothing beats the power of communication baya. Beinte-tres anyos ka na, geng. Kaya dapat alam mo na iyan."
Alam ko naman. Pero 'ika nga, easier said than done.
Iningusan ko nalang si Frey kahit na sa totoo lang ay labis-labis ang nararamdaman kong pasasalamat na nariyan siya at pinakinggan ang mga hinaing ko sa buhay ng walang panghuhusga sa kanyang mga mata. With matching matinong advice pa. Tama lang talaga ang desisyon kong mag-confide sa babaeng ito na minsan akala mo baliw pero may sensitive at rational side naman pala.
I should do this more often. Open up, I mean. It felt calming. Magaan sa pakiramdam at utak.
"Yeah, whatever," sabi ko nalang saka pumihit sa upuan paharap sa aking desk. "I'll think about everything you said later. For now, let's get back to work. Break time's almost over."
"Yiiieeee!" aniya mayamaya sa tonong nanunukso at tinusok-tusok pa ako sa tagiliran. "Wala raw jowa haaaa. You little liar!Kakalbuhin ka ni Sir Cris 'pag natuklasan niya ang kasinungalingan mo!"
I slapped her pesky finger away. "Wala naman talaga! Eh, may bigla nalang sumulpot at nag-offer agad ng singsing, so . . ."
A miscalculation. Six years ago pa, actually, noong unang inialay niYsrael ang singsing. But it's not like I could spill all the dirty details at once. Where would be the fun in that?
Still, Freyah persisted. "Okay, sabi mo, eh. But do tell me, darling. Who's the lucky jackpot winner that is your soon-to-be hubby?"
Hubby.
I hid my blush and pursed my lips together when Ysrael's handsome face flashed in my head at the term. "Secret! Di ko musaba."
"Fine! Basta ako ang maid of honor sa kasalan!"
"Neknek mo."
~~~~~