AYA wanted to give up. Kahit anong gawin niyang pagpindot sa mga letra ng keyboard, wala siyang mabuo-buong matinong pangungusap. Writer's block was creeping into her system and she was having a hard time dealing with it.
Pagkatapos niyang marinig ang feedback ni Vince ay ipinasya niyang magsimula ng bagong kuwento. The last novel she wrote was already beyond salvation.
Inumpog niya nang tatlong beses ang noo sa mesa. She feigned weeping just to help vent her frustration. Then she heard a knock.
"'Di mo ba nakitang bukas ang pinto?" tamad niyang sabi.
"Are you planning to commit suicide na ba, Ate? Kung hindi pa naman, can you sign this permission letter first? We're required to participate on this tree-planting activity sa Mt. Banahaw eh. Since nasa abroad sina Mommy at Daddy, you'll have to sign this as my guardian."
Parehong OFW ang mga magulang nila, nagtatrabaho bilang nurses sa isang pribadong ospital sa Canada. Dalawa silang magkapatid at sila lamang din ang magkasama sa bahay.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa nakababatang kapatid para lamang mapangiwi sa mukha nitong nakababad sa face mask na itsurang putik. Maganda si Aubrey, curvy ang katawan, at katulad niya ay minana rin nito ang makapal at kulot na buhok ng kanilang ina. Mas sinuwerte nga lamang ang kapatid niya sa aspetong iyon.
Inabot niya ang papel at sandaling binasa iyon bago pinirmahan. "Kapag tinuluyan ko nga na magpakamatay, iiyak ka ba?"
Nag-pout ng lips si Aubrey. "I don't think so."
She was stone-faced but her tone was weighty. "Matapos kitang alagaan sa mga panahong wala dito sina Mommy at Daddy?"
Tumawa si Aubrey saka bumagsak ng higa sa kanyang kama. "Ang drama mo talaga, Ate. Don't worry, I know naman that you're not gonna end your life yet because you're still a virgin."
Nangapal ang kanyang mga pisngi. "A-Anong sabi mo?"
"Oh please, don't even try to deny it! Tignan mo nga itong buong kuwarto mo. Everything here is like a hallmark for being never-been-touched-since-birth."
Nakapaskil sa dingding ng kuwarto niya ang samu't saring posters ng 90s boy bands. May malaking bookshelf sa isang tabi na naglalaman ng iba't ibang klase ng libro—along with her pre-adolescent slam book and diaries. Her room looked the same as it was twelve years ago.
'God, I really am a virgin.'
May punto man ang kapatid, pinaningkitan pa rin niya ito ng mga mata. "Ano bang itinuturo ng school sa inyo?"
"Ahm, how to live a normal life?" Bumangon ito at malditang ngumiti sa kanya. "I socialize with people, big sis, in case you haven't noticed."
"You're just sixteen and you're not supposed to be talking like that. Sino bang nagsabi sa'yo ng tungkol sa pagiging virgin ko?" This was not the kind of conversation she was expecting to have with her little sister.
"Si Kuya Vince."
"T-That prick?!" Napamulagat siya. "Kelan at bakit niya sinabi 'yon?" And how the hell did he know she was still a virgin?
Nagdekuwatro ang kapatid at sinuri ang sariling mga kuko. "Hmm, there was this one time when I was hanging out with Miji sa house nila. I think that was last month. Kuya Vince was there, and also their cousin, Kuya Duncan. He's cute by the way. Nagtsi-check kami ng photos sa IG nang makita ni Kuya Duncan ang pic mo. The one where you were wearing a red dress. Then I heard him asking Kuya Vince in the kitchen kung taken ka na daw. Kung hindi pa, he would want to meet you."
"'Tapos?"
"Kuya Vince said you're single and available, but you're too old-fashioned and boring."
Dumilim ang anyo niya. "He. Said. That?"
"Yeah, and I agree with Kuya Vince, by the way."
Sumama ang tingin niya sa kapatid.
"Anyway, 'yon na nga, sabi ni Kuya Vince pine-preserve mo ang virginity mo hanggang sa ikasal ka na so hindi ka daw pwede kay Kuya Duncan. You're not fun daw." Aubrey looked at her as if there was something wrong with her. "Seriously, Ate? It's 21st century na, nagpapakadalagang-Pilipina ka pa rin?"
"Aubrey Savalle, hindi porke nasa modernong panahon na tayo ay basta na lang nating itatapon ang mga prinsipyo natin," may paninindigang wika niya.
"Oh boy, here comes the speech."
"'Wag kang gumaya sa iba d'yan na ginagawang excuse ang '21st century na kasi' para lang i-justify ang kagustuhan nilang maranasan ang sex unconventionally. And you know what's even more wrong about our society nowadays? Girls do it because more and more girls do it. It's not even about because they're madly in love with the guy anymore."
"So you're saying na kahit thirty years old na ang isang babae, she's not allowed to have sex until she's married?" her sister argued.
"That's not my point, Bree. I have nothing against adult women engaging in pre-marital sex. I'm talking about those girls, especially minors like you, who view sex as something to cross off a list just because everybody does it."
Tumayo na ang kapatid. "Yeah, yeah. I heard you."
Napatayo rin siya at hinarap ang kapatid. Mataman niya itong pinag-aralan ng tingin.
Ngumiti si Aubrey at tinapik ang kanyang balikat na para bang nabasa nito ang nasa isip niya. "You can relax, Ate. My hymen is still intact."
She sighed in relief.
"Wala pa kasi akong nakikilalang guy na worthy for my goddess-like body eh. Good night, Ate."
Bago pa siya makapag-react doon ay nasa pintuan na ang kapatid. Sandali itong nawala sa kanyang paningin saka ito muling sumilip sa kanya mula sa hamba ng pinto. "'Nga pala, Ate. Do you remember Steve, your college crush?"
Lumitaw ang mukha ng isang guwapo at tsinitong lalaki sa kanyang isipan. Patay na patay siya rito noon. Hanggang ngayon naman ay naiisip pa rin niya ito. Perfect boyfriend material kasi si Steve Avelino. Her ideal man. Sayang nga lang at nasa Paris na ito at nagtatrabaho bilang sous-chef sa isang five-star hotel doon.
"What about him?"
"I remember Miji telling me before na kinausap din ni Kuya Vince noon si Steve about you."
"What?"
"I think Steve used to like you pero siniraan ka ni Kuya Vince sa kanya."
Natulala siya sa kawalan habang sinasariwa ang frustrating niyang nakaraan. Graduation day nila noong ipinasya niyang magtapat kay Steve. She badly wanted him to become her boyfriend, at wala siyang pakialam noon kung lumabas man na siya ang naghabol sa lalaki.
But every time she would try to approach him, he avoided her as if she was carrying some kind of contagious disease. Now it made total sense.
'ZARONAAA!!!' Padaskol niyang dinampot ang cellphone at tinawagan si Vince.
***
ONE OF the most painful emotions known to mankind is the feeling of regret or having lost opportunities. Like you would tell yourself, "If that only happened…" For Aya, it was like her worst nightmare.
"It's almost midnight, Aya. Why are you still awake?" garalgal ang boses ni Vince sa kabilang linya, halatang nasira ang mahimbing nitong pagtulog.
"Totoo bang siniraan mo ako noon kay Steve?" seryosong bungad niya.
"Huh?"
"Anong sinabi mo sa kanya, ha? Kaya pala panay ang iwas niya sa 'kin noong graduation day natin. Alam mo kung gaano ko siya kagusto noon, and he probably liked me too. He could've been my boyfriend, you son of a devil!"
"You called me about a guy from four years ago?"
"Do you really love bullying me that much that you have to say nasty things about me?" She let out an exasperated sigh. Malapit nang maubos ang pasensya niya kay Vince. This wasn't really just about Steve. She felt like Vince was sabotaging her half of her life.
"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo."
She gritted her teeth. "Nagmamaang-maangan ka pa? Think about all those pranks you pulled on me. Lahat ng pananabotahe mo. Aubrey even told me something. Remember what you said to your cousin, Duncan? That I'm old-fashioned and boring?"
"You are old-fashioned and boring, Aya."
"How dare you?! Why do you keep meddling with my personal life? Ikaw ba, pinakikialaman ko?"
"Are you mad dahil hindi ko hinayaan na makilala ka ng pinsan ko?" he asked in a confused tone.
Hindi siya umimik.
"Duncan is not a relationship-type of guy. He's a douchebag."
"Oh, you mean like you?"
"Ouch. Pero kung 'yan ang gusto mong isipin, sure." He sighed. "The point is, paglalaruan ka lang niya. Alam mo, dapat nga ay nagpapasalamat ka sa 'kin eh. My cousin's a charmer. He would victimize you, play with your emotions until you lose your sanity. If I hadn't talked him out of trying to meet you, you'd probably be crying right now."
Iniinsulto ba siya ni Vince dahil sa pagiging inosente at fragile niya, o talagang concerned ito sa kanya?
"Ako lang ang pwedeng mam-bully sa'yo." She liked the sound of it. Pakiramdam niya ay biglang nawala ang lahat ng inis niya kay Vince.
"How about Steve? Katulad din ba siya ni Duncan?" she asked softly.
Tahimik sa kabilang linya.
"Vince?"
A brief moment of silence before he finally spoke again, hesitantly this time. "I kinda told him that you were sleeping with your married Ethics professor."
Umakyat ang dugo sa kanyang ulo. Humigpit ang kanyang kamay sa telepono at parang gusto niyang imagin-in na ang leeg ni Vince ang sinasakal niya sa mga oras na iyon.
"I'm gonna kill you, Vince," banta niya sa kalmado pero nakapangingilabot na himig.