ATHENA
"It feels like it's our first time" he whispered. Napangiti ako. "Love..." hindi ko parin minumulat ang mata ko kaya hindi ko alam kung nakamulat na ba siya o hindi pa.
"Hmm?"
"Are you happy?" Am I happy? I slowly opened my eyes and there I saw him, staring at me with overflowing emotion. "Yes, I am happy" mahina kung sagot.
I thought he would smile but the opposite happen, he sighed. "I'm glad then" walang kabuhay buhay niyang sabi. "You look like you're not" kunot noo kung sagot.
"I'm really glad that you're happy-" tumigil siya sa pagsasalita. Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko bago tinuloy ang sinasabi niya kanina. "I'm just worried" he sigh and close his eyes.
Bat naman siya nag-aalala?
"Why are you worried?" I whispered. "Because this is too good to be true. You, being with me, being mine and here near me. It's just too good. You're too perfect and I really don't deserve you. There are so many other men that's better than me, that deserves you more but fuck it because I don't want to see you being with them, being not with me. Hindi ko kakayanin, Athena. Hindi ko kakayanin" he stops for a moment before he continues.
"Hindi ko kakayaning makita ka na masaya sa piling ng iba. Hindi ko kakayaning may ibang lalaking humahawak sa kamay mo. Hindi ko kakayaning may ibang yumayakap at humahalik sayo. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang makita ka na tignan ang ibang lalaki na parang napaka importante niya sayo. I want it to be. Only me"
Uminit ang gilid ng mata ko. Hindi ko alam na may iniisip pala siyang ganito. Kaya pala parang lagi siyang takot pag may ibang lalaki na lumalapit sa akin. Kaya pala ganon na lang ang reaksiyon niya ng makita si Gio. He should have tell me earlier.
"I never been this scared. I've been in hell so many times pero ngayon lang ako natakot ng ganito. I'm scared, Athena. I'm so scared to lose you" tuluyan ng tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ko. Maybe he felt that I'm crying kaya minulat niya ang mata niya. Ngayon ko lang nakita ang emotion na 'to kay Cyril. He do look so scared. "I don't want to lose you" huling sinabi niya bago niya ibaon ang ulo niya sa leeg ko at niyakap ako.
"Cyril" is all I managed to said. This is too much to absorb. Hindi ko alam na may iniisip palang ganito si Cyril. He always look so confident and cool pero hindi ko alam na may takot pala siyang tinatago. I should have notice.
"Bakit ngayon mo lang sinabi? You should've told me earlier na may ganito ka palang nararamdaman. And you don't have to be scared, you should never be. I know this is too early to say but you managed to creep into my heart and get a big piece of it. Hawak mo na ang kalahati ng puso ko, Cyril. You own my heart, mind, soul and maybe later, my body. I should be the one to be scared because you can break me into pieces. You can break my heart really really bad" I managed to say it without stammering. I'm actually shaking.
"You're the one who can make me so special and important. You changed me. Ayaw ko ng pinapangunahan but you can easily do that. I hate to be called by my second name but when you're the one saying it, if feel so great. I'm a bitch and savage, I know that but you can make me shy and speechless. You're the only one who can make those things to me. Only you, Cyril. So please don't be scared. Ayaw kung nagkakaganyan ka" nung una, nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung sasabihin ko ba talaga lahat ng 'to but when I started, it just came out of my mouth uncontrollably.
Hindi nagpapapigil ang bibig ko at dire-diretso itong nagsasalita. I just want to say everything.
"I think I'm falling for you- no, scratch that, I already fell for you, really really hard" everything. Mamaya ko na iisipin ang kakalabasan ng sinabi ko. Ang mahalaga ay nasabi ko na rin sa wakas ang matagal ng gumugulo sa isip ko.
He's about to pulled away from the hug but I didn't let him. Now, I feel scared. Natatakot ako sa sasabihin niya. What if hindi niya pala ako gusto, what if napipilitan lang pala talaga siya...
What if this is just one sided love?
Parang gusto kung umiyak pag naiisip kong baka hindi kami parehas ng nararamdaman. Nakakatakot pala 'to. I really hates to be rejected. Ayaw na ayaw ko ng nirereject. Paano pa kaya pag si Cyril? Baka di ko kayanin.
CYRIL
S-She fell for me? Does that mean she loves me? Does she loves me or just like me? Damn! I should feel happy but why do I feel scarier?
This time, natatakot ako hindi dahil baka iwan niya ko kundi baka may mangyari sa kaniyang masama. I have a dangerous life and I don't want to pull her into it. Natatakot ako para sa kaniya. I know I can protect her but there's still the feeling that someday she will be put in danger because of me.
I want to be fucking selfish. Gusto kung sagutin siya. I want to shout in the whole wide world that I fell inlove with the most amazing woman alive. I want to say to her that I'm so lucky to have her as my fiancée. I want to hug and kiss her until the day ends. I really want! I fucking want to tell her how much I love her!
But how can I do that if its exchange is her safety?
For the once in my life, I don't want to overthink. Gusto kung kalimutan lahat ng masasamang bagay na nagawa ko at ang mga consequences niyon but I can't do that.
Ngayon lang ako nagsisi sa lahat ng ginawa ko. For once, I felt guiltiness. Can she still accept me if she finds out the truth? That I already killed a thousands of people that I don't even know if innocent or not. Dati wala akong pakialam. I don't fucking care if I kill a battalion not until she came into my life.
Ng dumating siya sa buhay ko, I seldom drink nor smoke. Madalang na rin akong pumunta sa Underground Battles. I never killed a human being since she came. She changes me. She makes me better.
But will that last long?
Ano kayang magiging reaksiyon niya pag nalaman niyang wala akong kwentang tao at masama ako. I know she's savage but that's different from me. Even though she's bitchy, she's still fragile. Malambot parin ang puso niya lalo na sa mahahalaga sa kaniya.
How about me? Do I still have a soul?
Sa lahat ng nagawa ko, may karapatan pa ba kong tawaging tao? I'm evil and have no mercy lalo na pag nakikipaglaban.
Never leave a single person breathing.
I'm a monster so how can I deserve her?
"Cyril..."
I love you, Athena! I fucking do!
"Love..."
Don't kill me like this, please! This is too much!
"Wala ka man lang bang sasabihin? I just confessed"
Mas niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. This is the only way to say to her how much I love her. I don't want to speak because I might not stop. I do love her, so fucking much!
"So this is how it feels. Ang walang matanggap na sagot sa taong mahal mo. Shit! Isn't this too much? Ang sakit pala" I heard her sob. Naramdaman ko ang mga luha na tumutulo sa aking braso.
Fuck!
I can't help myself to let go of her and wipe her tears. It's killing me to see her like this. "My love..." mas lumakas ang pag iyak niya. Mas nag unahan ang mga luha niya sa pagtulo.
"T-This is too much, Cyril. Hi-Hindi mo ba ko mahal?"
Hindi ako sumagot. I just stared at her as I continued to caress her face. Mahal kita, Athena. Mahal na mahal.
"Tell m-me, don't you love me? Hindi mo b-ba ko handang s-saluhin?"
I love you so damn much! Too much that it hurts! It hurts me to see you crying. Masakit sa aking hindi ko masabi sayo na mahal kita. But I don't care about myself. Handa akong masaktan para sayo basta maging ligtas ka lang.
If Diablos knows about you, I don't know what will happen. They should not see you as my weakness. Hindi ka nila pwedeng gamitin dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na titiklop agad ako pag ikaw ang pinag uusapan. You're in peace before I came into your life and I don't want to get that from you. Wala akong karapatang ilagay ka sa panganib.
In a chees, they usually sacrifice their queen just to win. But if I'm the king, I would never sacrifice my queen.
I would never sacrifice you. Never.
I rather lose than to see my queen hurting.
So please forgive me.
Mas maganda na yung wala kang alam. It's better for you to think that I don't love you, even it kills me inside. Ako ng bahala sa sarili ko but you comes first.