Kawashita ended up leaving at 4:00 when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Our two questions expanded into a dozen until we could no longer keep count. I couldn't believe his confession so he elaborated, explaining that his ex-girlfriend wasn't into it. Skeptic as I was, I didn't buy it.
Frustrated, he began to describe how they had sex and how infrequent it was because they were limited to her place. When he noticed I was still doubtful, he pulled out his phone. "Let's call her. You can ask her."
I thought he was joking but he began typing a message to his high school friends for his ex's number. Perturbed, I stopped him before it got messy. "Let's just talk about something else. Like what's your favorite…sex position?"
Kawashita scowled at me, and I nudged him, snaking my arm to his waist. With a sigh, he melted and gave in. "I like you on my lap, but there's still a lot of positions I want to try. How about you?"
"I like me on your lap as well." I grinned. "But I also liked what we did earlier except my knees protested."
A smile appeared on his face. Finally. The endless questions began there. We talked about our favorites—sexual and nonsexual, hobbies, our entrance exams in our own universities, my former apartment, and the type of people he lived with. None of it was too intimate but still felt personal. Some of it were things I wouldn't tell someone I barely knew.
By then, I knew something shifted between us. If I were to divide my defenses into three, two outer layers had been rendered useless. I knew I should stop or be more cautious, but gods, being with Kawashita was like a drug. I craved more and more especially after spending the night talking. It opened a gate to me and the flood of feelings I didn't linger on thinking came in, bubbling up, forming, unstoppable now.
We both had classes on 9:00 that following morning. I knew I was dead sleepy, but his messages and the thought of seeing him again survived me. It was like the spell of awkwardness had finally been broken. We began to talk more after sex almost about anything. We would also cuddle since it had gotten colder or that was the reason I've been telling myself. But deep inside, I knew my body would gravitate towards him like magnets.
Winter break started, and being with him became the norm. Everything was going smoothly until I got tripped by the reality. We weren't a couple. We never were despite being like one.
"What do you want to do for Christmas?" I asked. My eyes were fixed on the TV while I was curled on the sofa with Kawashita's lap as my pillow.
"I'm going back to Hakone," he said too quickly that I stiffened as he continued, "my brother's asking me to help out at home. You'll be going home for New Year's, aren't you, Reiko-senpai?"
"Um…" I sat up and smoothed my hair. "No."
He shifted and averted his eyes, clearing his throat. "Why? Are you going on a trip with your friends?"
I lay back, sighing, causing him to meet my gaze. I could tell it wasn't what he wanted to ask. He was just being polite, indirect, so I wouldn't have to feel offended.
Afraid his curious glance would be replaced with pity, I broke our eye contact. "No. My father doesn't mind. He remarried when my mother died when I was thirteen."
The unnerving silence followed, along with the indistinct sound of the TV, hum of the heater and the refrigerator. Instead of saying anything, Kawashita just began stroking my head. My throat tightened, beyond thankful that he didn't say the usual 'I'm sorry to hear that.'
For the small amount of time we spent together, we seemed to know each other pretty well.
"Last New Year's was an exception," I told him, needing to talk. "My dad asked me and Mina's—my stepmother's parents visited."
Kawashita let me talk. I told him about how I limited the times I came home to two without mentioning the reasons—Mom's death anniversary and Dad's birthday—since I moved out in the fall semester of the first year. It had always been that way. If Dad called me and needed to see me, I'd go to his shop—my home, my mother and me.