Warning: Grief/parent's death
When Christmas Eve arrived, I only had two choices if I didn't want to spend it alone. But both also didn't work. My first choice was at Kazuya's. Early in the afternoon, I sent him several messages and came at night, he had only replied to my greeting. When I called his home, his mother answered and told me he was staying out with friends which his mother thought included me.
Oh, I thought. He was out with Tanaka-senpai. Obviously. It left with my second choice, Nanami. But it was Christmas Eve, and she was an angel. She'd let me crash her date and spending it alone was better than being a third wheel with Sano. In the end, I didn't bother her.
All alone in my apartment, I began wondering why I have little friends. Then I remembered I built impenetrable walls and why I had them. It also reminded me why I went on bad blind dates, why I needed a boyfriend, and why I accepted Kawashita. My shoulders drooped. Kawashita. He barged in my life like a bear and knocked down my several years of hard work from letting people in too deep.
At least the thought of him managed to keep the memories of my mother at bay. For now. But I couldn't—wouldn't risk it. Before I knew it, I changed clothes and I hurried outside the door with a small box of cake and a bucket of chicken which I reserved before I even asked Kawashita his plans.
Me jumping to conclusions. I really thought we would spend it together. I expected and got excited about it. I was an arrogant laidback fool.
Berating myself, swallowing the lump on my throat, I let my feet led me to a two stories narrow house with an ob-gyn clinic on the first floor at 22:00. I lifted my hand to press the doorbell and stopped. Flashes of Christmas tree, cakes, endless Christmas songs, and red dresses crossed my mind. A whip of apple scent filled the air. I trembled. A soft whisper of my name blew in my ear.
I closed my eyes and breathed. It was all in my head. But more flashed my mind. The laughter, the kisses, and those warm bear hugs my mother gave. My heart squeezed with longing, but it dropped all too sudden when the memories shifted. Dark with streak of red, a foreign man with no face, a rope, and the neverending silence.
I opened my eyes and pressed the doorbell twice, my breathing ragged. I pressed it again before the door opened. A straight face Tanaka Ren, Kazuya's boyfriend, appeared.
"I have chicken and cake!" I lifted the boxes and plastered him a big forced smile.
Tanaka-senpai sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he took the box of cake from me. Muttering sorry to disturb you, I followed him in and took off my shoes. The living room was dark which meant his mother, Tanaka-sensei, must be at the hospital.
The shadow of my mother slowly faded back into the background as my palms began to sweat. Guilt took over. I couldn't believe I intruded on them but the shame disintegrated when I noticed an extra pair of men shoes at the entryway. For the three years I'd known Tanaka-senpai, there was never a mention of his father. The pair must belong to a friend.
"I can't believe you two," he said, confirming my theory after he got plates from the kitchen. "You guys have the impeccable timing for someone who claims they're sensitive."
I just smiled at him sheepishly as I tried to come up with the list of their close friends who knew their relationship while we climbed up the stairs. A door to my left swung open as I took the last step.
"Then I'll ask Ren to buy so—"
"Tachibana-senpai." My voice rose, and I waved at him. "I should have known."
"Matsumoto?" His brows furrowed as he pointed his finger at me. "What are you doing here?"
"Matsumoto? As in Reiko?" I heard Kazuya's slightly high pitch voice from the room. Hurried incoming footsteps followed.
The four of us stared at each other. I forced myself to smile so big my cheeks hurt. I believed this was the first instance I was so glad I had friends and that I managed to talk to Kazuya during that orientation day.
For a moment, I thought what it would be like if my mother hadn't died or if my father hadn't remarried. Just like that, another memory resurfaced, the one I was trying to bury for years now. It was the one at the wedding and my aunt crumpled face as she realized what she said. My effort from before vanished. My breathing turned shallow and panic crept up. Shit. Shit. Shit.
A hand grabbed me. "Why don't we buy the beer, Reiko?"
It took a full twenty seconds and several deep breaths before my eyes focused. Kazuya was looking at me with concern. I just nodded, afraid my voice would croak.
"Did you and Kawashita-kun fight?" he asked when we got outside.
"No." I shoved my hands in my coat pockets. "He went home to Hakone. Something about his family."
Kazuya stared at me but let it go. A tension in my shoulders eased a little. Kawashita was helping even when he wasn't around. I was convinced now. Having a boyfriend was the perfect solution to my problems.
When we returned, the two upperclassmen had transferred to the living room so we could watch the DVDs that Tachibana-senpai rented. Kazuya headed for the sofa and sat beside his boyfriend while I joined Tachibana-senpai on the floor. Kazuya hit the play button and the movie rolled in as I passed him a can of beer.
"I can't remember why we are friends with these two," Kazuya said after the opening credits.
I took a sip and everything turned ultimately better. I gave my friend another sheepish smile.
"I don't have anywhere to go, and I'd rather bother you than spend the night alone," Tachibana-senpai grumbled as he stretched out his legs.
Kazuya shook his head, chuckling, leaning back on the sofa while Tanaka senpai pointed at me with a fried chicken leg. "Why are you even here, Matsumoto?"
"Yeah. I thought Akira must have invited you over," Tachibana-senpai added, turning to me.
"Why would he even invite me?" I replied without thinking, bitterness coating my words.
"Aren't you guys getting serious?" Tachibana-senpai smirked. "He's been going home late almost every day. You should let him sleepover sometimes."
I saw Kazuya opened his mouth, but I put a hand up, stopping him. "Come on, you guys, we've been only dating for a month, and he had to help out. Aren't you guys glad that I brought chicken?"
The three of them narrowed their eyes on me, but I ignored it, rolling my eyes at them. An explosion erupted from the TV which shifted the focus away from me. I already felt half-miserable. There was no need to throw salt at the wound.
After the first DVD and eight cans of beer, my thoughts of Kawashita Akira and my dead mother were far gone. I passed out as soon as Tanaka-senpai brought out the futons.