MJ's POV
DEPRESSED.
WASTED.
COWARD.
POLTROON.
EMOTIONLESS.
BROKEN.
Hindi ko alam kung ano pang mga synonymous words ang pwede ilarawan saakin ngayon. Magmula nung nabasa at narinig ko yung nilalaman doon sa email na natanggap ko, parang wala nang kakulay-kulay yung mundo ko. It feels like half of my body ngayon ay manhid na.
Ngayon na yung event na pupuntahan namin para magperform. Hindi ko alam kung makakaperform pa ba ako o hindi na.
"Best? Ayos ka lang ba talaga? Huwag ka na lang kaya tumuloy.." Sabi ni Carla saakin.
"Oo bakla. Mukhang hindi ka kasi okay, backout na lang tayo ano?" Dagdag ni Ben. I shook my head to them.
"No. Hindi ako pwedeng hindi tumuloy. Tatapusin ko yung nasimulan ko..Para kay Louie...." Sabi ko sa kanila. Ngumiti naman sila ng malungkot saakin.
Pagkatapos ay minake-upan na ako ni Ben at inayos na rin ni Carla yung buhok ko.. Nakablue na cocktail dress ako, naka-bun yung buhok ko at light lang yung make up.. I saw my reflection on the mirror, hindi ako to. Parang hindi ako ito. Kung dati napakaexpressive ng mga mata ko, ngayon, totally blank na. Emotionless gaya nga ng sabi ng mga tao
"MJ, we'll be performing in 5 minutes, get ready." Sabi ni Marco saakin..Tumango naman ako at muling tinignan ang reflection ko sa salamin at pumikit.
'You can do this.. Isipin mo lang andyan lang siya nakikinig, pumapalakpak, kasama mong kumakanta.. ' Sabi ko sa sarili ko.
Bumuntong hininga ako hoping na gagagaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit papaano..
"MJ, let's go na." Tawag saakin ni Angelo.
"Goodluck best! Andoon lang kami sa harap." Sabi ni Carla bago sila umalis ni Ben.
Tumayo na ako at naglakad papuntang stage.
With shaking hands and trembling knees, I managed to arrive where Vince is.
"Are you ready?" Tanong saakin ni Vince. He's in the backstage.
"Yes." I simply answered his question. "You can do this. Just think of him and express the song with your heart, and you'll be alright." Vince added and smiled at me. I smiled at me but not the real one.
"And now, ang namiss nating lahat, performing here tonight is no other than.... Ms. MJ Lewis!!!" Tawag saakin ng host. I can hear the thousands of applauses and cheers from the audiences.
Huminga muna ako ng malalim tsaka naglakad papunta doon sa Mic Stand.
Bago ako magsimula, nagsalita muna ako doon.
"Good evening. It's been a while since the last time na kumanta ako kasama ng banda, and you know what happened to my co-band vocalist, Louie Mendez." I said to them. Nanahimik yung mga tao sa loob ng stadium.
"To tell you honestly, hanggang ngayon, masakit pa rin. Hindi ko matanggap na wala na siya, it feels like in just a snap of my finger, he's already gone. Napakahirap, but I need to be strong. It's been a year mula nung mawala siya saakin, saatin, pero yung sugat sa puso ko, parang kahapon lang na nangyari..." I paused and heaved a sigh then I continued.
"Let me share you this, recently, may natanggap ako na email.. Inside of that email is a file containing two folders, the one is a letter and the other one is a voice record. I read first the letter, and kung alam ko lang na masasaktan lang ako ng sobra doon, sana hindi ko na lang muna binuksan yun. Kasi alam niyo kung ano yung sabi sa letter? He wanted us to get married kaya siya babalik dito sa pinas. He wanted to propose sa mismong araw ng anniversary namin, and habang kausap ko siya that time, he's already on his way to the airport. Natapos ang paguusap namin, at doon rin aksidenteng mahulog yung kotse niya sa cliff at biglang sumabog. " Rinig ko yung pagkagulat ng mga tao dahil sa mga sinabi ko. Nag-uumpisa na akong lumuha, pero pinigilan ko.
"Why am I telling you this? Because you deserve to know. You've become part of our journey and you also witness how sweet, and how our relationship grew each day.
Louie, My Love, wherever you are, kung natuloy man yung proposal mo saakin that time, I just want you to know my answer. I would always say, YES if it is you. " Sabi ko. And that's the cue. Nagbigay ako ng senyales sa mga kabanda ko sa likod na, 'I'm ready.' sabay tugtog ng kantang pinili kong kantahin.
Huminga ako ng malalim at nagumpisa ng kumanta.
Wish I could, I could've said goodbye
I would've said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew, it would be the last time
I would've broke my heart in two
Tryin' to save a part of you
Sana nakapag-paalam ako sayo, My Love. Sana ginawa ko pang mas meaningful habang kasama pa kita dito. Sana..
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
No, I'll never love again
I'll never love again, ooh
Magmamahal pa ba ako ng iba, My Love? Knowing that you took my heart with you at hindi mo ito binalik saakin kasi hindi ka na din bumalik.
When we first met
I never thought that I would fall
I never thought that I'd find myself
Lying in your arms
And I want to pretend that it's not true
Oh baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I'm not moving on
Napangiti ako sa lyrics ng kanta dahil bigla kong natandaan yung mga panahong una tayong nagkita, nung mga panahong nililigawan mo pa ako, never in my life na darating ka sa buhay ko, Ikaw na magsasalba saakin mula sa sobrang kalungkutan, My Love.
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
No, I'll never love
I don't wanna know this feeling
Unless it's you and me
I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you, ooh
Sayo ko lang gustong maranasan, at maramdaman yung mga bagay na pinaramdam mo saakin at yung mga bagay na hindi ko pa nararanasan at nararamdaman.
Hihintayin kita, kung hindi man dito sa mundong ito, maybe sa pangalawang buhay.
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
Baby, unless they are your lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
Oh, I'll never love again
Love again
Oh, I'll never love again
I'll never love again
I won't, I won't, I swear I can't
I wish I could but I just won't
I'll never love again
I'll never love again, oh
I'll wait for you, no matter what will happen. I'll wait for you...