Life, for Nidhi was a journey from one mask to another. She was happy or cold, crazy at times, reckless at others, funny and talkative or silent and broody, indifferent or charming, juggling across names and personas. She walked on and on, but ended up at the same places, only to realize the path was one big wide circle.
One of those days, the fine thread that held , everything she deemed unrequited, locked away, snaps. Time to face herself.
This is Nidhy's journey through self deception, identity crisis, depression, failures, towards reality, dreams, success and love. She sets out to see the world, meet people, to share, to learn, to rebel, to redeem, to find, to create a space and an identity for herself.
....... excerpt......
I was craving some grilled sandwich, since afternoon. So, as soon as the clock struck five, I set out , to my newest favourite sandwich shop in the city. I was the first customer of the day. The owner along with her friends who were having a conversation welcomed me and I placed my order. They decided to invite me into the conversation and I decided to play my usual game. Lost Tourist :)
" your name ?
"Anjana" I flashed my most innocent smile. They all introduced themselves.
"so, are you from outside Kerala ? "
You see, my accent is the biggest aid to my disguises. No one, ever, believes that I understand and speak Malayalam, even though am a native who never even travelled outside the state.
"no. am from Mumbai" I lie easily.
"oh, where in Mumbai ?" the handsomest hunk
"ahhhhm, Andheri ??"
"that's great" says the owner who goes straight into the kitchen to bring the chef back with her.
" he is also from Andheri "
Am already struck in the head. What's the possibility of meeting a person from a place you randomly choose ????
"aha...!" I give him a stiff smile. No, don't ask me questions. I would never say Andheri in this lifetime, I swear!
"Andheri West or East ?" now the chef.
Can I take it back ? Can I ? How would I know if Andheri has west , east, south or north...? I mean, generally there are four directions,,,,,,sigh,,, let's take a pic.
"Andheri west"
"awesome, I was born and brought up in there . So where exactly in Andheri west ?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
walking on the footpath sidelined on both sides by sky-high buildings, I felt so tiny, like am just a blackmole on the surface of the earth; something between an atom and an amoeba. The buzzing traffic and the busy populace escalated that insignificance; tired but have no place to belong, hurting but can't stop taking the next step and then the next, fed up and frustrated but utterly helpless! Am silent; but this place is a sea of whispers, chatter, shouts, honks,vehicles; NOICES. I wonder, can I be more silent, tread more carefully that my footsteps make no sound much less leave any mark ??
In the next moment, I accepted the shadow that loomed amidst everything; it wanted a space, I needed a space, and a darkness enveloped me. I was sucked into a black hole, but strangely I felt a belongingness In the darkness, a space of mine, a cubicle of dear silence, a peace of mind like nowhere else: of course, I just made a choice.
I need to persist in here, keep myself sane, survive.
