Never show your weaknesses. Never shed your tears. Because, if you do, it's another excuse for people to scorn you. Reign in and rule your emotions, hand no one the chains to them. After one too many instances, I tought myself. It came as a reserved , cold mask to others. A way to protect myself from pain, which I fear.
Today though my defences are crumbling. Am remotely aware of my family in the adjacent rooms, but that doesn't stop the rush of memories.
I don't wanna recall anymore. Remembering is reliving. Let me out.
All the unshed tears over the years are drawning my eyes. All the bottled up emotions weighing on my body. My shoulders hang down and my neck stoops. Am tired, it seems.
But my brain, like the unstoppable video recorder it is, keeps on whirling. Old scars. Rotten memories. Forgotten ( so I hoped) fights. They are being played for me; Taking turns, like a loud annoying old lady they asks, "do you remember me my dear ?"
Of course,I do. What a joke !
It never stopped. I never forgot anything, even when I hoped and prayed. I wished to delete or edit or rewrite the memories clouding my system. Do something about all these black phases of my life, crushing me from inside. But I, never get to have the fortune of forgetting things. what a good memory ? what a freaking, nightmare inducing, good memory ?
On the days when I near an unknown breaking point, and a rage rattles my insides, I shut down every other activity and recreate battle videos I've watched before. I be the protagonist, the antagonist also the bystander who roots for a good game. Just imagine !
But right now my practiced escape route has vanished without a trace. What fight, what escape, just succumb already, says somebody inside my head. I would love to, I wish to, stop and go with the flow. But does that mean I could just cry, for once ? Forget everything and start anew ?
I never gave up all this time. I fought the need to kill myself on every step I took, everyday of my life so far. I didn't give up during betrayal or loneliness. Endured through hurdles and humiliation. I never even seeked any company. So should I just give up the fight ?