"Oh really?" Freya asked blushing, I looked at them in mock amusement. I Giggled so that I won't have to speak or contribute anything to their discussion.
I wanted to beg her not to go back to him because the relationship had turned into a toxic circle of cheating-crying-begging-and taking back. But I dared not.
Oh I dared not. Lest I be labelled the jealous weirdo.
But then Amaya was so lucky her boyfriend loved her silly. Everyone loved her.
Sometimes, The pain of knowing someone loved her but no one loved me was too much to bear. I wanted to be absent but still be seen as present even in my absence. But instead in my presence I was absent and in my absence no one cared.
Wasn't I pretty?
Was I that disgusting?
Oh common you already know the answer to that. Pain laughed hysterically.
"Yes, I am serious. When we met yesterday he never stopped talking about you, the only thing we talked about was you! Freya! Freya! Freya! And nothing else. He truly is sorry." Amaya chuckled.
She loved love, she loved love stories, and she loved it more when she was a witness to such love tales.
But to me this wasn't a love story. I couldn't simply fathom how you could constantly cheat on someone you claimed to love. Was it even possible?
But maybe their relationship wasn't toxic maybe my envy was the toxic thing.
"Lora do you think so. Do you think I should take him back." Freya suddenly asked turning to me. She asked me like my opinion mattered to her when we both knew that in all honesty it did not matter to her.
She was never going to listen to my advice so I said what a normal uninterested person would have said.
"Awww, You know what I think you should follow your heart." I answered with a grin. Even my voice wasn't mine. I couldn't even recognize my own laughter.
Either I was becoming very bad at acting or I was finally loosing the ability to pretend that I was living. That I was Okay.
I ran my hands through Amaya's hair, soothingly arranging the strands of hair that scrambled out of her hair parker. I was still giggling even though tear drops stained my eyes.
"I just talked to him you know" Freya said laughing, she was blushing so much.
Her cheeks didn't show red but I knew from the way she looked and the smile she had on her lips that she was so happy. She wore the type of smile you couldn't suppress even if you wanted to.
Her happiness made me sad.
Did it make me a sadist that I wanted others to feel just what I felt even if just a little? Does it make me a sadist that I didn't want to suffer alone? I wanted Pain to whisper to them too. Pain was a lover that I was willing to share.
It just wasn't fair that he was fucking only me. I wanted him to fuck them too.
Why were they so happy why couldn't I be happy too? Is my sin the greatest sin, lord! or do you just hate me?
Is it that you hate the color of my skin or the way my teeth is arranged? But you created all of us in your own image, if truly you created all of us why discriminate on some? Why make some people happy and some others sad? Why me lord?
Why won't Pain leave me alone?
I am part of you now don't you understand? I am your lover! Common it hurts when you say things like this. I am yours as you are mine. pain whispered.
"He misses you na, thank God you have fixed your phone issues so he can stop calling me every time to ask how you are doing." Amaya sighed removing my hands on her hair like I was a leprosy patient.
I didn't mind, even I can't stand my own hands, more so I got interested in what they were talking about. What could have happened to Freya's phone?
Voicing out my question I asked, "They stole your phone?" I was curious.
Truly, truly I say to you, curiosity indeed kills the cat. I used to play with this saying you know I considered it a joke
But after today I knew it of it's truth, because I felt it Curiosity killed me and there was no satisfaction to raise me up.
"Yes, they even wanted to rape me." she said with a frown, but I noticed she wasn't sad.
How could she say the words rape so freely? I didn't move I stood still contemplating, confused.
They wanted to rape her but they didn't, why didn't they rape her?. I wanted to know why they spared her. Again I asked and curiosity killed me a second time, but wasn't I already dead can the dead Die over and over again you may wonder. The answer is yes, you can die a thousand times over.
What is dead can still die!
"Was it in school or outside school? what exactly stopped them from raping you?" I asked trying so hard not to show my obvious anger, sadness, and hatred towards the world and maybe towards her simply because she was saved and I was not.
"It was outside school", she replied paying me no mind. I didn't care if she ignored me, I didn't care if she considered me a nuisance because of my questions. I only cared for her answer and what she felt about me came second place as of now.
"You stay outside school now?" I asked probing further. I wanted to know!I wanted to know! I had to know!
"That was before but I'm in the hostel now. They wanted to rape me but I was like, no oh. you must kill me first" she answered me laughing.
I wondered how she could smile about rape, but then again she didn't really experience it. Did she? I scoffed.
I wanted to say sorry I wanted to keep up the act but I could no longer speak? because my voice was lost in sadness.
I didn't know if I was better of dead or alive. If your soul is dead and your spirit dead why should you remain alive? why not die with them?
Why does God let us keep living when we clearly no longer want to? Why didn't we die when we wanted to, when we can no longer live nor take the pain of living why?
I wanted to hate her for being saved, why was she saved? Still I couldn't, it was not her fault that I wasn't brave enough to fight my predator. It was my fault. I will forever hold my self guilty as charged.
I was guilty.
And pain was my personal bane.
I was guilty of a lot of things. Guilty of false hope in God, guilty of faith, and guilty of cowardliness.
I will forever hold myself guilty of all these things.
But a question lingered in my heart. If
God knew I wasn't strong enough and brave enough, why didn't he protect me like he has protected others before me?
Because he doesn't love you. You are only a part of his twisted game and he has sent me here to tell you this. Give in! Pain said.
Amaya again dragged me to a store nearby without noticing the change in my mood, either I was a very good actress or she didn't care.
"Let me get chocolates for my lodge mates. I can't believe I had almost forgotten." Amaya spoke on and on.
She didn't even notice that I was shaking.
But then I didn't blame her, who will care for me, a disease, a worthless piece of art, but a piece of art alright a broken art. I was nothing, if God didn't love me then how can humans do.
After she finished buying all she needed she asked me to walk her to her house which was far from mine but I didn't mind, walking helps me think.
While on our way she stopped to talk to other friends who were as popular and rich as she was and again she left me behind like they always do. They always leave me behind.
She didn't even notice when I moved away, she didn't notice that I no longer was walking with her because I didn't exist to her.
I soon became tired of being non existent. I wanted to give in now to pain.
Pain if you're listening to me I give in. I surrender to your desire.