Lora you have been crushed do you want to burn also, how much more pain can you inflict on yourself. Run please!
"I see nothing, Nothing, please let me be." I pleaded.
I was trying to be brave. I was trying as much as possible not to break in front of him. I was trying so hard to not hold his hands and beg him to strangle me till I feel my breath heave and finally stop. I was trying so hard not to beg him to give me back what he took from me, either with a sword or his hands.
Me pretending to be brave was the biggest deceit in history, I wasn't brave if anything I was the most cowardly coward. There was no bone of bravery in me and I knew it, but I was the master pretender and sometimes pretending you are who you are not was so much better than showing who you were.
Even if I wanted to show who I was I couldn't because I had forgotten who I was. Through pretence I had become another.
I was simply a broken piece
"What do you see, " he asked again ignoring my plea, this time he was pointing at his own reflection.
I wanted to say that I saw a perfect person, a beautiful person, a deadly weapon, a fine tempter. I wanted to say that I saw in front of me those intoxicating eyes that drives me to the brink of near crazy madness, but then I said, "I see nothing! Why won't you just let me be my God! Are you stalking me now?" I snapped.
He ignored my unruliness.
"Do you know what Catholics preach now about the golden commandment?"
I didn't answer.
"Now they preach that instead of you to love your neighbor as you love yourself, that you should love your neighbor as Christ loves you?" He whispered softly.
His voice was so warm and tender it could have put me to sleep. I remained silent because my silence could not be misinterpreted and my words would have made no meaning. I knew nothing because love doesn't exist.
Fuck love
I still kept wondering why he didn't leave me alone no matter how mean I was to me? Why was he trying so hard to save me when it was already too late? Is it that he chooses to be blind to the truth that I could not be saved?
"You do not have to answer me baby girl, I would answer for you. It is simply because many people do not love themselves, they loathe themselves, and if you hate yourself how can you love another. But then Christ loves us so much that he gave his life for us so that we might be saved. So that we might live as sons and daughters of God."
" Is there any greater love than giving your life for your brethren? The church will always ask you. Now I ask you this in the same vein. Is there a greater love than giving your life for your brethren?" he asked. His voice was so tender, so so tender but again I gave no reply.
What was there to say, if Christ loved me so much then why didn't he save me? Why does he let me suffer like this? Why did he send pain to me to torment me?
He smiled, then holding on to the small of my waist he continued speaking not perturbed by my silence, "I agree with the church you know why? If the church ask that everyone uses the love they have for themselves as a guide to loving their neighbours and to loving others how then will you condemn someone who hates his neighbor when he also Hates himself? How then will you condemn someone who kills his neighbor when he has killed his soul time and time again? How then will you condemn someone who steals from his neighbor when he steals his own happiness?.
"How then will you justify someone who sees another as nothing when he himself sees himself as nothing. How can you condemn mass treatment Lora if the tormentor also torments himself in the same vein. How then can you condemn a person treating another badly if he treats himself the same?"
"I don't know", I whisper screamed looking at the mirror, looking at his eyes that Pierced into me demanding an answer from me. "I don't know. Just leave_just leave me be." I stuttered.
My eyes were still focused on his reflection on the mirror, specifically his eyes.
His eyes were the sun and it blinded me now because I stared at it too much without protection. They were so bright and hot. But I didn't mind being blind you know as long as I no longer had to see the ugliness of this world.
"What do you know Lora, life or death, good or bad. Love or hatred." he asked holding my hands and rubbing it soothingly. I wanted to move away from him but i couldn't. it felt as though a mighty hand was pressing me down to the same spot and to add to my annoyance it felt like the earth fed on my feet for I lost all ability to stand up straight, I staggered.
The whole world was turning against me. Mother earth seemed to be giving me to Adam on a platter of Gold.
I wondered if he had bribed her, and if he had with what?
He held my shoulders tightly steadying me lest I fell.
He whispered in my ears, his breath on my hair, "Lora stay strong, don't fall, "
My eyes were shut tightly now and my mind shut down but Still his voice penetrated my senses, broke down the door that protected it and burnt the key. He entered my mind without a key and my heart made music with his words.
When I finally got myself I opened my eyes slowly, snorting I said, "How can I fall when I am already on the ground? When I am already buried in dirt? How can I fall when their is nothing below me again except my grave?" I asked turning back so I could look into his eyes and he could look into mine. I wanted him to see the pain in my eyes, maybe then he will understand.
"Then rise above the dirt Lora. I am begging you not to fall to your grave Lora. You know their is?this poem my mom used to make me sing anytime I was sad that was when I was little though."
When all hope seems nigh
And life feels futile
When your day is so distasteful
It leaves you sad
When you remember the past
And loose hope in the future
When you are depressed, And you loose all faith
Give life another chance.
He recited the poem with a smile as if he was lost in his own memory. It felt so dreamlike. Everything. The way he spoke softly, the way he smiled, it all felt dreamlike.
It reminded me of one of those dreams I used to have where God finally sends me an angel. But that was before. I no longer dream those dreams. I no longer need saving
"I tell my friends this whenever they loose something really important or they have a bad day. Life is meant to be lived, we are not meant to simply exist." He said touching my chin with his thumb.
"Sometimes we live to die, "I mumbled? sadly to myself as I felt tears gather in my eyes.
Sometimes we live to die.
"If so what do we say to the god of death?"
"Not today." I choked out.
He shook his head with a smile still plastered on his handsome face. "No, no, we do not say not today Lora, we say, not ever. For we are immortal beings. God has given us immortality it is only left for us to take it. I have taken mine, what about you, will you take yours baby girl?"
I chuckled sadly. "I do not want immortality and I still stand by my words. Most times our purpose for living is to die."
"No it is not your purpose Lora. It is not. Live. Live. Live Lora. Please. " He begged.
He said it with so much emphasis on my name it felt like he was worshiping it, adoring it, loving it.
"I already am and that's what I hate, " with that I pushed him aside and ran up the stairs with my heart pounding fast and tears falling freely from my eyes.
I couldn't take him being around me anymore. He was destroying my defenses. He was rebuilding me and it hurt so bad. I didn't want to be rebuilt only to be shattered again.
I was afraid. Afraid of being whole. Afraid of the effect of his voice and his?presence. I was so very much afraid.