Getting to the class I put on my signature smile and walked majestically to my seat ignoring all the eyes that were on me as I walked. As a tag along you had to pretend to be on the same level as your leader although I knew as every one else that we were on a different level, hence never on the same level.
I inhaled and exhaled continuously for a good one minute just so I could calm myself down. I knew that no matter how I tried I would never truly be calm because anxiety had become a part of me. But still I had to try to calm myself? again and again and again.
When I was finally a little bit calmer I sat down properly on the chair and adjusted my bag so it rested on my chest. The fluffy nature of the bag gave me a little bit of peace.
Freya and Sofia kept talking ignoring me like I didn't exist but then I didn't blame them, I ignore myself too.
Sofia was supposed to be my best friend but ever since she knew Amaya our friendship has taken a drastic turn for the worse seeing that she had a lot in common with Amaya than I did with her.
They both were something, they both came from a rich home they both were beautiful and they were not victims of rape.
I was nothing that they were, I had too many scars in me and a broken spirit. My family was not rich but we survived with what we had, their families didn't just survive they enjoyed. I didn't care about the? money though all I needed was love and friendship but sadly I couldn't even have that.
You know what they say, Two is friendship, Three is a crowd.
Their similarities went as far as with boys many boys had a crush on them but not on me.
Which boy will crush have a crush on me? They could only crush on something that existed and I didn't exist. They could only crush on Something that lived and I was dead.
I was dead, alone, depressed and rejected.
If I were a boy I wouldn't crush on myself.
I touched an ant that freely moved on the top of my desk and then I smiled at it, it smiled back or so thought my twisted, lonely mind. When you are lonely you become friends with the insects and non living things become your comforters.
"Eh he, now I remember, you can't guess who talked to me yesterday!" Amaya said to Sofia with a high pitched voice that called my attention and the attention of those around us. I fought the urge to hit my head on my desk and just die.
I wondered if they had forgotten that we were in class and the lecturer was still teaching.
Didn't they know that it was totally rude to talk in a high pitched voice when the lecturer was in front sweating his ass out just so we could learn something.
Well even if we didn't understand a thing of what he was saying it didn't mean that we should disrespect him by talking out loud. Did it? Oh good God!
I tried my best to hide my face, I didn't want to get in trouble with any lecturer. I wanted to remain unknown, I didn't want them to know of my existence. I wanted my GP to remain high and my presence low. If he should look towards our direction I was sure to faint.
Under normal circumstances I would have left the seat but I couldn't leave my friends even if they would leave me if they were in my shoes. I just couldn't leave them, leaving people was not me.
I did not leave people unless they left me, and I did not give up on anyone except their was nothing to hold on to. So far the only person I had given up on was me. Because there was nothing to hold on to.
"Wait don't tell me yet let me guess. From the way you are so excited I think it's Harry, is it?" Sofia asked guessing, she had her hand on her head in a mock gesture. Harry was the schools Playboy, rich as you know and fine as hell.
I was happy that Sofia at least lowered her voice.
"No" Amaya said blushing at the sound of his name, she was all smiles now. "Common he won't make me this excited. Cute or not he is a jerk! I can't even stand him!"
"Ohhh, ok calm your titties let me guess again. Is it Sean?" Sofia guessed smiling. Sean was Sofia's crush. He was almost the most important person in my faculty. He was the Lawsa president. (Law student association, president)
"No" Amaya replied giggling. She liked to tease Sofia on her crush on Sean. "Why will I be this happy because I saw your crush? You already have him na!"
"Ohh! Just tell me I can't guess again, " Sofia pouted.
I chuckled. I knew she was going to give up in the end. Amaya could be very mischievous no one could be certain of exactly what was going through in her head.
"No I'm so not telling you yet keep guessing. Shey you wanted to guess! oya guess."
"But please now it is not fair. Sorry na. I'm seriously going to cry tell me please." Sofia pleaded. Her pout was so cute that I knew Amaya would give in.
"Ok fine. Stop making your face like pussy the boot you little sly. Fine! One more trial and I will tell." Amaya joked tickling Sofia. "Smile now. Just one more trial and I'll tell you who he was I promise."
Sofia chuckled and mumbled something towards I hate you amaya. Then she guessed again, "ok, Daniel"
"Yuck who is Daniel he is a nobody, " Amaya said rolling her eyes disdainfully, she hated Daniel so much because he was the only boy who didn't treat her like a goddess.
It always amuses me the way she gets so irritated whenever Daniels name was mentioned.
"He is the son of a senator Amaya and he is cute, please don't say that again we both know that he is very important." Sofia clarified face palming at Amaya's stupidity.
"And so what!" Amaya snapped. "Important or not I never want to talk about him."
"Ok ok just tell me who spoke to you and spare me the drama already." Sofia said rolling her eyes.
Amaya smacked Sofia at the back of her head causing her to yelp, Sofia slapped her back and they both laughed it off.
Amaya returned back to her cheerful self immediately.
"Anyway Adam spoke to us, Adam Jerome spoke to us! Can you believe it." Amaya squealed excitedly rubbing both her hands together. Sofia went silent.
On hearing the name Adam I shifted my entire attention to there conversation while I prayed that my name would somehow not be mentioned. I have never before this day wanted so much to be invisible but then again I shouldn't have wished because I never got anything I wished for.
I'm even a danger to those around me because mother earth wants to punish me for a sin I don't even know I committed. I never learn, when will I learn, just when.
Oh lord