I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
All night, I tossed and turned, haunted and plagued by the conversation that I had with my family. I prayed that it was a dream, even taking it as a crazy hallucination would be better than accepting it as reality. I would rather pay regular visits to the mental hospital to check if I had a mental illness than believing my lovely family has practically sold me off for money.
Did it hurt? Yes, like a bitch.
After all these years of working my ass off to support them, the betrayal hurt like hell.
My whole life I've been taught that if I helped others, good things will happen to you.
But this scene wasn't exactly how I pictured it. Eh, you can't get too picky can you? If the incident taught me anything, it was that if this was the 'reward' that I would be getting for being a good person, I would rather blow all of my savings tomorrow on an awesome crazy and wild day out and be a lazy ass for the rest of my life like my two younger brothers.
To be frank, I know that I couldn't actually dub their actions as 'betrayal' because it was true that I would live a much more comfortable and luxurious life if I were to marry into the royal family and so would my family.
But honestly, I couldn't help but think that all this fiasco was happening because marrying into the royal family would mean that my family could finally settle their debts. To mention due to the great influence that being associated with the royal family brings, business would definitely bloom for my mother. After all, she was still desperately trying to salvage what remained of my father's business.
In the end, it was all down to money.
Anyhow, it was a great shock for me that my paternal grandfather was actually a long-lost descendant of the aristocratic Min family with historic ties to the royal family seeing that my father was actually a pile of no good crap (excuse my language), that had a crazy gambling addiction after he had flied for bankruptcy.
I could never expect that someone like him was related to the historic queens and ministers of the royal court back in the days. Seriously, the world works in mysterious ways.
I debated all night, weighing the pros and cons of accepting the marriage.
True, I was born into wealth back when my father's business was booming. But circumstances change, and people change. I saw what money got my late father. I saw his endless quest and his desperation to crawl of the poverty he had sunk into. I saw the scorns of my younger brother Ji Sung when he had to give up all the luxuries he used to enjoy.
I could change all that, I could accept this marriage. But I didn't want to.
I was battling a struggling inner battle with my shadow of my late father, I wanted to prove to him that we didn't need money to be happy. I wanted to prove that he was wrong.
Also, I am in love with Shin Donghae....
I sighed deeply as I looked at the home screen of my phone at a picture of him and I. Shin Donghae, my first love. I wonder what would happen if he actually found out that I am engaged to the Crown prince. He would probably beg for me not to go. I smiled softly at that sweet thought, he was always sweet, lovable and patient.
Man, I would even gladly refer to him as my soul mate, my one and only love. But if I were to get married... we would definitely not be an item anymore.
I heard the main door click shut outside and I looked at my closed door. I stared my digital table clock to see that it was 2.p.m, which meant that the house would most probably be empty as Ji Sung would be out. I had avoided going out of my room after yesterday night. The pressuring stares, the conceiving and hopeful words, the gentle grabs of my mother's that wrapped around tightly my hands – there was too much for me to handle at the moment.
I couldn't think straight.
They were so hopeful, begging me to save them from poverty...
I lifted up my hand and observed it. My mother's hands used to be as beautiful as mine, soft and smooth. Until my father passed away from a hit and run, those gentle hands had to carry the weight of endless debts and raising her three children alone. I gripped my hand into tight balls and my heart started to waver.
My beloved mother, kind and gentle; carrying the heavy weights of burdens, sacrificing herself for the sake of her children.
Shouldn't I be doing the same? For the sake of my family's happiness, shouldn't I be doing the same? But why did I have to selflessly sacrifice myself?
But it's my life and my happiness...
I groaned and grabbed my pillow, forcefully throwing it to the other side of the room in frustration. I bought my legs to my knees and buried my face in it. I couldn't think straight now. My mind was everywhere, like two fighting imaginary angel and devil on each of my shoulders, debating over and over again.
Do you really want to see me go to the palace, umma?
I could still remember her pained face when I raised my voice at her yesterday when she told me that she had consented to the engagement and she had just gotten back from the palace. When I spat out hurtful words towards my family, storm back to my room in unbelievable anger and slammed the door hurt from their betrayal.
Young Jae, Ji Sung and umma came knocking to my room many times. But I ignored them, burying my face into my pillow and hiding under the covers.
I thought of what my mother had said when she came knocking on my door – 'You still have a decision Kara-ah. You have been called to the palace, the queen wants to meet you in person and has she'd sent a car sunday afternoon. If you really decide that you don't want to continue on with the engagement, just reject it there. I will support you no matter what your decision.'
I hated it when people played the guilt card with me because honestly I was very soft hearted and the heavy guilt in my heart would just kept probing into my conscience.
Of course my lovely family would support my decision, but in all honestly, I knew that they wanted nothing more than for me to accept it.
I know that some people would call me absolutely mental for wanting to reject such an amazing once in a lifetime offer of marrying a prince (not to mention he is extremely good looking) and becoming the crown princess.
Wealth, power, and status, including a hot prince for a husband – who wouldn't want that?!
Well, I guess one of those odd people would be me.
I have no desire such things in my life, in fact I have never thought about it.
I have no qualms about throwing such things out of my life – after all, I had fallen from wealth to poverty in a snap. While my brothers were still dreaming about the past, I had already accepted the present.
I guess that's the reason why I would never fawn over the young crown prince like ever other teenage female like Chaerin would. Because I am easily contented. With the kind of greedy father I had, I was bought up with the thought that simplicity in life is the best. My mother thought so as well.
Who would have thought that same woman who had raised me with such a thought would suddenly persuade me to marry an unknown prince for power, wealth and status. Contradicting and painfully ironic if I would say so myself.
I sighed deeply and chewed on my lips. Now, I had never once held a very strong interest in the royal family of Korea. I knew a few basic things about them from conversation with Chaerin and the news; I knew they were very traditional. But who would have thought that they were so traditional to a point that they would honor a promise made almost 60 years ago!?
I know that people in the past got married young, but in this era, getting married at the age of 19 just sounded bizarre to me. There were so many things in the world that I wanted to do. I wanted to go on many more sweet dates before I think about marriage.
"ARGGH, THIS IS SO ANNOYING!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs at the height of my burning frustration and then slumped back into my depressed position on my knees.
Sighing, I thought about my future if I didn't marry into the royal family.
I would definitely have to work part time again to pay off the debts and feed my family. Even long before my father's death, I was the one who took his position to bring some extra income for my family.
I scrimped and saved, trying to muster up all the money I could for college. I had hopes of majoring in psychology. I thought it was the greatest idea to examine other people when even I had so many problems myself.
But after viewing my family situation over and over again, I knew that I was it was not possible. So I planned to stop my education journey after high school and work full time instead, I figured that if my dreams were impossible – I would give hope to my two younger brothers instead.
But if I were to marry pain in the ass Tae Hyun that would mean that I could continue my dream...
I saw my phone blinking on my desk and I raised my head out from my knees. It was probably Chaerin asking me why I took a leave from work today and if I was really ill. I couldn't tell her that it was because I am having a mental frustrating debate on whether to accept a marriage proposal from the crown prince. She would probably scream in astonishment and add on to my already burdened mind with all her questions.
I wasn't in a mood for any explaining.
I clicked my tongue, and grabbed my phone.
Pressing onto the button I watched it come to life with light. Nevertheless if I were to tell and explain someone right now, it should be the person that deserved to know the most – Shin Donghae, my boyfriend.