"IT WAS a gas leak from the kitchen. The fire started when..." Cristine took a deep breath and with a trembing lips she continued " W-when the leaked gas made contact into the candle... on the cake."
The cake that was for her.
Lancey closed her eyes. Willing herself to stop the tears from falling.
It really was her fault afterall.
"Are you okay?"
Lancey almost laugh out loud with the outrageous question. Is she okay? No.
She opened her eyes and looked at her friend. "I think I'll never be that word again."
Cristine reached out her trembling hand unto her, trying to comfort her. No, rather, she wasn't even sure if her friend is trying to console her or herself.
"Don't think that way Ance, everything is going to be alright."
She wanted to believe what Cristine said. She wanted to believe on her bestfriend. But she could only show her a bitter smile, because she know her friend will never understand what she's feeling right now. She thinks that no one ever will.
If your whole family is dead in just a snap, without any warning or whatnot. You were not ready, you were not ready because never in your wildest dream that a tragedy will happen. When you woke up one day and someone inform you that your family is all gone and was already buried six feet under the ground without you even seeing them for the last time, when you woke up with an amputated foot.
When no one is waiting at home.
If the only thing that you want right now is to be dead.
Will everything really be okay?
No.
Definitely not.
But she don't want to say those things out loud. Cristine will just continue worrying about her. She don't wanna be a burden any further. So she showed a resign smile to end the topic.
She just want to be alone at the moment. Or better yet, dead.
Cristine seems to understand what she intended so the girl got up to fix her things. "I think you need to rest. I'll just go home to check on my daughter." Cristine paused then wipe the tears threatening to fall down her checks "I'll be back." she said in a croaked voice.
She know that her bestfriend is crying, but she didn't say nor tried to comfort Cristine. She wasn't in a place to comfort somebody else when she herself is breaking inside.
So she just nodded her head to show that she heard.
Cristine picked up her shoulder bag and started to walk towards the door. She stopped in front of it and with a still tearful face that she is trying to hide from Lancey she said "Rest Lancey. Sleep and rest. And remember, I'll always be here. For you. Okay?"
Lancey just remained silent and stared at her friends back.
And without looking back, Cristine made her way out and closed the door after leaving.
Lancey stared at the closed door remembering the hurt figure of her bestfriend.
She almost laugh out loud for the lack of empathy as she continue to spiritlessly stared at it.
She already knew that. She knew she can depend on her. Cristine is trully a good friend. She have always known that fact.
But she doesn't need a friend right now.
She needs her family.
Alive.
Back.
- - - - -
Day 10
It's been 10 days since she woke up after the incident. Lancey is in her bed staring outside of the window.
The sky is specially blue for some reason. There are no clouds that can be seen giving light and warmth to everything under the sun. A bird landed on the window and pecked on it.
She could hear the footstep on the corridor busily moving around overlapping with the laughter of children playing. She could also hear the chatters behind the door as doctors continuously give orders to nurses and to other medical practitioners in the hospital.
It was a normal day.
People are doing what they normally do everyday. They continue living their lives.
The world relentlessly keep on going. As if nothing ever happened. As if everything is still the same.
Lancey unconsciously balled up her hands into a fist.
Why?
Why is everyone acts like nothing ever happened?
How can anyone laugh when she can't even smile?
Why do everybody seems so fine when she is dying deep inside?
Why does the world keep on moving as if it couldn't care less that her whole family died in a fucking fire?
Why do the world continues when hers already stopped four months ago?
It hurts her to see that everything seems fine with her family dead. As if the world had already forgotten about them ever existing.
Is it really that easy to move on?
She looked at the doctor in front of her that keep on spouting about something she doesn't even want to hear.
Doctors always see someone dying almost everyday. When their own patient dies, how can they just move on as if it was only natural? How can they tell to the family that their loved one is already dead and then move on to see their next patient?
Is it really that easy to move on and continue life when someone leaves and die?
Lancey gritted her teeth as she supressed the emotions that are building up inside of her.
If it is so easy, then... why can't she?
Why do she have to suffer like this to the point where it pains her everytime she breathes?
Like it is a huge sin to even breathe thinking that her family had stopped breathing because of her doing?
"-so we recommend for you to have a physical therapy and artificial foot." Lancey heard the doctor said before heaving a sigh "Ms. Arceo, can you hear me?"
She didn't answered him. Cause she knew that if she ever open her mouth, she might just have another breakdown.
The doctor seemed to give up ever receiving a response so he stood up and left.
And once she was left alone, tears poured down her still pale cheeks.
So many questions are circling on her mind that is kept unanswered.
Her family is gone, but why can't she let go?
How can she let go when she can still remember every single thing like it was just yesterday?
She started knocking her head with her clenched fists trying to stop the questions from continuously flowing but to no avail.
A massive headache is starting to build up.
Her breathing got ragged from crying. She felt like there was someone ripping her heart apart. It was so painful that she gripped her chest so tightly as she shout in agony.
She closed her eyes.
Why can't she just forget?