Tajima Sanzo, the 669th Demon King, marched into the forest, his first and only minion, Beelzecluck, strutting proudly beside him. His mission was simple: find food or starve like a pathetic loser.
Which, according to the system, was an actual quest.
[NEW QUEST: FIND FOOD OR STARVE LIKE A PATHETIC FAILURE.]
Tajima groaned. "I swear, this system gets sassier every time…"
The trees loomed over him as he stepped deeper into the forest, his eyes scanning for anything edible. The good news? The area was lush and full of potential food sources.
The bad news? He had no survival skills whatsoever.
"Alright, let's break this down logically," he muttered, rubbing his chin. "If I were a competent isekai protagonist, I'd know exactly which berries are edible, how to hunt, and probably even craft a full-course meal from scratch."
Beelzecluck clucked in agreement.
"...But I'm not a competent isekai protagonist."
Beelzecluck let out a long, disappointed bawk.
Tajima sighed. "Fine, we'll go with Plan B—foraging like a desperate raccoon."
Tajima crouched near a bush full of red berries. They looked edible. They smelled edible. But his instincts screamed "POISON."
He plucked one and held it up. "Beelzecluck, what do you think?"
The chicken took one glance at the berry, then slowly shook its head.
Tajima stared at it suspiciously. "Are you sure? Or are you just messing with me?"
Beelzecluck gave him the most serious chicken glare possible.
Tajima sighed. "Fine, we'll keep looking—"
His stomach growled like a dying beast.
"…You know what, screw it. I'm the Demon Lord. I shouldn't be afraid of a damn berry." He popped it into his mouth and chewed.
At first, it tasted fine. A little sour, but not terrible.
Then his entire mouth caught fire.
His stomach twisted into a demonic death spiral.
Tajima collapsed onto the ground, clutching his gut. "A-Aaaghh! Betrayal! Absolute betrayal!"
Beelzecluck stared at him with an expression that clearly said, I told you so, you idiot.
The system mercilessly chimed in.
[YOU HAVE INGESTED A FIREBERRY. EFFECT: EXTREME SPICE. SIDE EFFECT: INSTANT REGRET.]
Tajima flailed on the ground. "W-Water! I need water!!"
[NEW QUEST UNLOCKED: FIND WATER OR SUFFER.]
Tajima crawled forward on all fours. "I'm gonna… kill this system…"
After ten minutes of suffering, Tajima finally stumbled upon a small river.
With the grace of a dying man, he threw himself at the water and chugged like his life depended on it. Which, honestly, it probably did.
Beelzecluck watched from the shore, shaking its head like a disappointed parent.
Finally, after recovering, Tajima slumped back. "Alright… new plan. No more berries. Only actual meat."
He turned to Beelzecluck.
The chicken took a slow step back.
"Not you! I meant hunting something else!"
Beelzecluck relaxed.
Tajima stood up. "Okay, time to catch a rabbit, or a wild boar, or maybe even a monster. It's a fantasy world, so there's gotta be weak monsters, right?"
Tajima crept through the bushes, scanning for prey.
Then he saw it.
A small, plump rabbit-like creature nibbling on grass.
Tajima's eyes gleamed. "Jackpot."
He crouched low, moving silently. He had no weapons, so he'd have to pounce like a wild beast.
Beelzecluck watched in mild amusement.
Tajima took a deep breath.
And lunged.
His hands reached for the rabbit—
—only for the rabbit to turn its head, revealing sharp, glowing red eyes.
Tajima froze mid-air.
The rabbit snarled.
Then it drop-kicked him in the face.
Tajima was sent flying backward, crashing into a bush. He gasped for air, struggling to process what just happened.
The system delivered another insult.
[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE DISCOVERED A FERAL KICK-RABBIT.]
[DANGER LEVEL: MODERATE. BATTLE EXPERIENCE REQUIRED.]
[UNFORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE NONE.]
Tajima groaned in pain. "I hate this world…"
The Kick-Rabbit charged again.
Tajima barely dodged as it spun through the air like a furry ninja, delivering a barrage of drop-kicks and spinning roundhouses.
"This isn't a rabbit, it's a goddamn MMA fighter!!"
Beelzecluck squawked aggressively, as if saying "Fight back, coward!"
Tajima scrambled to his feet. "I can't fight! I don't have any weapons—"
He paused.
"…Wait."
His eyes widened.
He did have a weapon.
A Gacha skill.
It was humiliating. It was embarrassing. But right now, he had no choice.
He took a deep breath and spread his arms dramatically.
"OH GREAT AND MIGHTY GACHA GOD, BLESS THIS PATHETIC FOOL WITH POWER!"
The air trembled. The sky glowed.
Something materialized before him.
Tajima braced himself.
This was it—the moment of his counterattack!
The light faded… revealing…
…a rusty spoon.
Tajima stared at the spoon.
The Kick-Rabbit stared at the spoon.
Beelzecluck slowly facepalmed with its wing.
The system delivered the final blow.
[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE OBTAINED: "SPOON OF SLIGHT DISCOMFORT."]
[EFFECT: DEALS -0.5% EXTRA DAMAGE. MIGHT GIVE THE ENEMY A MINOR ITCH.]
Tajima's eye twitched violently. "Gacha God, you absolute bastard."
The Kick-Rabbit charged.
Tajima raised the spoon.
A battle for the ages was about to begin.
To be continued…