Date : 27th November 2024
New Armsterdam Hospital.
Leonard sat at the waiting room. His brother Reid had just come out of surgery and was still comatose in the hospital.
" It will take a while my love, please go home and rest, i'll take it from here. "
" Okay love, thank you. I'll just finish the paper work at the reception, then rest. "
" It's been a long day."
Matilda, Leonard's wife, looked at her husband as a solemn look reflected on her face.
She and Leonard had just got married, and now they that to take care of the famous little brother.
She had heard a lot about him but never thought he was this shitty !
She could not believe what she was told and she wondered just how selfish one person could be.
She just couldn't accept how one would decide to go for surgery when it wasn't needed. How could one put such burden onto himself , onto those who await him to wake up.
But how could she understand, when even Leonard, his own brother and only family didn't?
" Excuse me, Excuse me? Are you Jane?"
'Jane'
Matilda had heard that name from somewhere.She tried to remember but could not .
"Reid's mother..? "
Matilda felt annoyed. How could she be mistakened for someone so old.
Then she remembered. Leonard's mother was already dead.
So what was this situation?
She wasn't given the chance to find out as the nurse forcefully handed a book with R$B initials.
She put two and two together and realized that it was indeed Reid's journal and that the nurse simply just wanted to give up on searching for Jane.
She looked at it with a dazed interest.
Wondering what goes on in the mind of a shitty, selfish coward turned brave.
Brave enough to do something stupid
So she opened.
.....
At the cover of the book, before reading the first entry, there was a note. A sticky note.
Mom, am seeing things again, I know, I know am sick and I know it's not real ..your not real but...
sometimes I see myself as a kid running from Leonard and his friends
sometimes I see you when it's raining and I get drenched as I try to talk to you
Just like the old times when you and pops used to hold me high by my shoulders as the rain dreanched us in our laughter.
Mom , I think am dying...no I haven't told lenord yet !
I think it's for the best
I just hope I get to meet you and Elliot and pops because I can't take this anymore.
***
Matilda looked at the sticky note. Her face expressionless, not knowing what face to make.
She thought twice before deciding to open the journal .
.....
Entry 1
At age 7
I used to dream of flying. Not in a plane, not in some machine, but truly soaring, like the hawks I'd see above the fields near our house. I wanted to be free,untethered, unafraid, unstoppable. Funny, isn't it? A boy who was terrified of even climbing a tree wanted to conquer the sky.
Back then, I didn't know what "fragile" meant even though I heard my mother call me that. I didn't understand the world's weight, the way it bears down on you. I thought I could float above it all, untouched.
....
Entry 2
Leonard is my older brother. He's everything I'm not, strong, confident, always charging headfirst into things. We've never really understood each other. I'd rather stay in my room with a book, while he's out playing football or wrestling with his friends in the yard.
But sometimes, I'd catch him sneaking glances at me during dinner, like he wanted to say something. And when I got sick that winter, he sat by my bed for hours, telling me stories about knights and dragons. He's not great with words, but I think that's his way of saying he cares. Although I still think he's an idiot.
.....
Entry 3
At Age 12 I met Elliot.
Elliot was the new kid in school, awkward, with a mop of unruly brown hair and glasses that always seemed to slide down his nose. He sat next to me in math class, and we bonded over how much we both hated fractions.
He was different, though. Where I was cautious and cowardly, Elliot was daring. He'd climb trees, sneak into abandoned houses, and drag me along, even though I'd protest the whole way. But somehow, he always made me feel safe, like he'd catch me if I fell.
Elliot became my best friend that year. No, more than that,my brother in a way Leonard never could be.
....
Entry 4
One of my favorite moments during my teenage years was when I was 15
It was a summer evening, warm and golden. Her name was Clara, and she smelled like lavender. We were walking home after a school play.She was the lead of course, and I was just the guy who helped with the lights.
We stopped under the lamp post at the corner of Oak Street. She turned to me, her eyes sparkling, and before I knew it, she kissed me. It was clumsy and awkward, and I'm pretty sure I stepped on her foot. But in that moment, I felt invincible, like maybe I wasn't so little and fragile after all.
....
Entry 5
17 was one of the worst years for me.
I was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels, when the phone rang. The voice on the other end was calm, almost detached. "There's been an accident," they said. My parents' plane had gone down somewhere over the Atlantic.
The days that followed were a blur. I don't remember the funeral, only the smell of lilies and the sound of rain hitting the church windows. Leonard didn't cry. He just stood there, stiff and silent, while I broke down.
For weeks, I felt like I was drowning, gasping for air but never quite reaching the surface. I kept thinking about how fragile life is,how it can shatter in an instant.
.....
Entry 6
Age 18
Elliot and I used to dream about going on a safari and helping the needy in underdeveloped countries.
He was always like that. Sympathetic ,caring and strong and that made me feel like he was my anchor, the one person who made me feel like I wasn't completely broken. We'd talk for hours about our futures, about the kind of people we wanted to be. I thought we had all the time in the world.
.....
Entry 7:
Three years later
It was a hit-and-run. A drunk driver, they said. Elliot was crossing the street, on his way to meet me at our favorite coffee shop.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
For weeks, I walked around in a haze, unable to eat, unable to sleep. The safari plans and dreams sat untouched in my drawer. I couldn't bear to look at them, even after having everything ready.
I tried to be strong, to hold onto the pieces of him that were left. But without Elliot, the world felt colder, heavier. I felt like a glass figurine teetering on the edge of a shelf, ready to shatter at any moment.
....
Entry 8:
Leonard and I never saw eye to eye. He thought I was weak, and I thought he was heartless. But after Elliot's death, he started calling me more often. He'd check in, sometimes showing up unannounced with groceries or a bottle of whiskey.
We still didn't talk much, but I felt his love in those small, quiet gestures. He didn't know how to comfort me, but he tried. And maybe that was enough.
.....
Entry 9: Tears
I've always felt fragile, like the world was too sharp, too loud, too much. Losing my parents, losing Elliot ,it's like the universe keeps reminding me how breakable I am.
And then came my tumur. It was malignant and untreatable. I was told I had less than five years.
I used to dream of flying. Now, I just dream of making it through another day without falling apart.
Elliot once told me that life is like a book. "Sometimes the chapters are good, sometimes they're bad," he said. "But you have to keep reading."
I've tried. I really have. But some days, it feels like the story's already over, and I'm just flipping through blank pages.
I miss him. I miss all of them.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
.....
I couldn't keep my illness of Leonard anymore. I just couldn't and thinking of all the crap I pu him through just made my decision firm.
But when it came to actually telling him ....I just couldn't, I couldn't tell him of my chances and Soo I lied.
I think I've always known that I'm not meant for this world. It's too heavy, too cruel. I've tried to be strong, to hold onto the pieces of myself that remain. But there's not much left.
Mom? If ever you find this journal, I hope you'll understand. I hope you'll forgive me for not being stronger.
And Elliot, if you're out there somewhere, I hope you're flying.
Goodbye.
....
Matilda closed her eyes , tears trickling down her cheeks after she saw Leonard approaching her after finalizing with the reception desk.